This Girl’s Throat Sounds So Bothered

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As I started watching this Alicia Keys performance I couldn’t help but start singing “W-W-W-W-W-W-B.” After the laughter the anger surfaced. I absolutely hate “Girl On Fire,” y’all. Like, I don’t understand how this song gets any airplay besides the fact that the person behind the monstrosity is Alicia Keys. It’s not catchy, it’s not at all interesting, and yo, Alicia sounds so bad throughout it.

Who in her circle heard this song and went, “Yeah, baby! That’s the move! You’re about to win the world over with this one!?!” I assume the person leading the charge vacations inside her regularly, which would explain the inclination to not share the harsh truth. Whatever, when you love someone you tell them to toss that track in the trashcan at the bottom right of your screen and move forward if compelled. Love is blind, but it damn sure isn’t deaf.

I won’t pretend to be the biggest Alicia Keys fan around. I mean, I’ve seen her in concert multiple times and have purchased three out of four of her albums. Sidenote: I want my $4.99 back for that last mp3 download of The Elements of Freedom, Alicia. You suckered me with that sale and I could’ve gotten some chicken strips with that money and been far more satisfied.

Anywho, somewhere along the way Alicia abandoned what made her worth giving a chance.

Say, gems like “You Don’t Know My Name.” To me that’s one of the best R&B singles to drop in the last 20 years or so. I don’t even mind the way she spit that stud gave heavy to that nigga named Michael (no relation) in the middle of the song. It is a gorgeous, gorgeous song. The follow up “If I Ain’t Got You” was cool, too. It gave you Natalie Cole realness or whatever. So I was here for her soul-lite works, but then she started hollering at me like a banshee owed back child support.

Enter the eternally terrible “No One.”

Now take this in and see why I don’t listen to her as much as I used to. I sent this to a friend of mine and she said in response: “I’m so mad a her. Like I used to be a really big fan. Now she could be singing outside my window and I wouldn’t even peek out the blinds.”

If Mashonda put a root on Alicia’s vocal chords, Disney needs to make a new movie based on her level of sorcery. If not, homegirl needs to call her vocal coach and make amends. Try whatever person had Keyshia Cole sounding so lovely on Black Girls Rock.

Yes, many of us have highlighted how often Alicia plays the fool during a life performance, though I have to admit I’ve seen her twice in concert several years ago and she sounded fine. Get back to that, please. Also, return to jacking melodies from James Brown and Aretha Franklin (debut album). If you want to stop dressing like you keep a strap on by the nightstand, so be it. I never cared that much. But what you’re on now — that new wave sound and the wobble, wobble, shaky shaky way of singing all the songs that come from it – you gotta cut that shit out.


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