They’re So Thankful

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As everyone gathers around to bask in the American pastimes of gluttony and gratitude, some of your favorite stars want to share what they are most thankful for in honor of Thanksgiving. The sentiments may not appear genuine, but the shade is real.

Pat Houston: I’m thankful for the gift of opportunism. Some people may look at the Houston Family reality show and say, “Pat, you ain’t worth a damn.” But you know what? The check Lifetime cut me goes much further than your two cents. Yeah, Whitney’s ghost will probably be haunting me on Christmas Eve, demanding I change my waves and give to the poor, but I can afford a prescription drug to drown that noise out. Can these critics say the same?

NeNe Leakes: Well, hunny, I’m just happy to be rich. Very, very rich, child. I ‘member those days when I wanted a fancy bag and I’d have to whisper in my uncle-ex-husband’s ear, “Buy mama a bag, bag.” Then do something a little strange for some change. Not anymore, sugar. Guess who’s got her own, now? Yes, hunny, I am Miss I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T., do you know what that means? And shout out to all my haters. Be mad if you want, buy I’m getting Anglo money, flexing my bill collector accent. BLOOP.

Rihanna: As I celebrate my 12th number one hit , “Diamonds,” and put a deep fear into the heart of Mariah Carey that I’m going to snatch her treasured all-time singles record, I would like to thank my fans, the Navy. Not only do they support me, but they love me unconditionally. I can show up on stage and say, “What’s up, bitches?! I am gonna half sing & quarter twirk and all y’all gonna love it.” And you know what? They’re gonna love it. It’s like I passed them the blunt. As much as I love Beyoncé, I’m so glad I don’t have to sweat out my press like her and still make enough money to buy Mariah Carey a new jaw after, again, I snatch that sales record.

Ciara: I’m thankful that Beyoncé hasn’t dropped a new album, this year?

Rihanna: Why? We’re both still doing better than you. Can someone pass the mic to someone with reasons to actually be thankful, this year?

Read the rest at The Shadow League (and Happy Thanksgiving, y’all).

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