As if Shereè Whitfield needed another reminder that she’s wasted her calling as the trap’s answer to Jeanette Jenkins, rising international superstar and television treasure, Joseline Hernandez, has revealed plans for a workout DVD. Do you hear that, Shereè? It’s a woman who can barely speak English yelling, “STEEBIE! We ’bout to make this monee!”
I am absolutely here for it. No shade to my Auntie Phaedra, but I’m not sure what prompted her to release a workout DVD with her husband. What is it called again? Tighten The Tush with The Trade? Something like that. Phaedra is indeed sitting on a Eeyore, but I would think her first reality TV fame spawned side hustle would be her serving as some southern Star Jones on morning YV — doling out legal advice. Oh well, squat your way to success, auntie.
Meanwhile, Joseline looks like Rihanna as a bodybuilder so I’d rather look to her for advice. I know she said ladies in the tweet, but most men would be lucky to have Joseline’s frame. I’m secure enough to ask Joseline to spot me.
Part of my efforts to delay the losing of my mind has been taking refuge inside of a gym. I’ve made some noted progress. I would post it here, but respectable writers would never do such a thing. Okay, that’s utter bullshit. I don’t care about that; I just don’t want to. My Instagram is here and if you scroll around there’s one photo that vaguely shows my growth.
Anyway, progress has been made but it’s like the fat of my past is trying cockblock a complete transition. Sometimes I look at the parts of my body that I don’t like and sing to them, “These niggas won’t hold me back. These hoes wanna hold me back.”
In Beyoncé terms, y’all know how she looked during the Survivor era i.e. getting it together yet there’s still some little blanket over one small but important area? Joseline, can you be my lighter and burn that bitch to the ground?
Then there’s solid food, which can be really annoying. I’ve never felt more closer to Mary-Kate Olsen. I’m playing; please don’t call a hotline on me. One of my friends used to say I ate like a white woman. That’s racist for really healthy. Unfortunately, I’ve fallen into “Negro, Who Doesn’t Listen To Their Doctor Enough” territory more times than I’d like to admit. It’s like I’ll put in all this work at the gym in the early a.m (I have evidence) and then I’ll smell Popeye’s at the gas station. Salmon, nuts, grilled chicken, vegetables, and protein shakes are cute, but you can’t put honey and grape jelly on them while you kiss a chicken strip dipped in sweet heat sauce.
I fight it as hard as I can. As I always say on the Twitter, you’ve got to make sure your body slays because you never know if you’ll need it to pay Sallie Mae. I’m pretty confident I could sell some ass to cover my government loans. However, I also have private, so like…I need to do better.
I have Insanity. I work out damn near everyday. But, I’m probably going to buy this DVD. Why? Because Joseline looks like fucking Hercules with ass shots. Minus the needles, I aspire. And don’t be bougie, folks. Some of y’all probably want to pre-order, too. Workout buddies?