Beyoncé’s About To Snatch Your Lunch Money

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…Beyoncé is ready to usher in 2013 with a new album. Already she’s announced a gig performing halftime at the Super Bowl, plus an HBO documentary and a $50 million dollar deal with Pepsi that will see the soft drink company paying her to…be Beyoncé.

All before we’ve even heard the new single.

It’s clear someone wants the top spot back, but is she about to make it hard for the other R&B singers trying to breakthrough? In this week’s roundtable, singers not named Beyoncé debate whether Beyoncé is about to be way too overbearing.

Keri Hilson: When I said that heifer needed to go have some babies and sit down, I should’ve been more specific. Like have a baby, sit down and don’t get up until the kid starts kindergarten. Already she’s starting her usual antics. Brandy drops an album, she wants to announce she’s going to do that same booty pop at the Super Bowl. Someone else releases a new video, then she throws out a 30 second trailer for an HBO doc about how great she thinks she is. I bet the day Jesus decides to come back she’ll drop a sex tape with his daddy to steal his shine.

Frank Ocean: You sound mad, my love. You’ve got remember: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you’re going to get.

Keri Hilson: What in the hell is that supposed to mean, you R&B fortune cookie?

Frank Ocean: It means chew on Beyoncé’s chocolate covered…

Miguel: Wait, cut that out. We are R&B singers. Peace, love, and press and curls, remember?

Keri Hilson: That reminds me, Michael with a G. Why haven’t you returned my calls? You’re too busy with her highness to record with me now? How are you going to hit me about my beautician, but duck me when I want to book studio time?

Miguel: I’m sorry, Miss Keri…

Keri Hilson: …baby!

Miguel: Right. It’s just that, you know, when Beyoncé calls you just…

Keri Hilson: Don’t you say her name to me. Don’t you dare say it anymore. One too many times and she’ll appear out of the ground like Beetlejuice and take my mic away. She’s used to hogging one.

Rihanna: Poor dat. For the record, I don’t have a problem when big sister Beyoncé drops a new album. That Rihanna reign won’t let up so that sounds more like a personal problem for you and…what’s the other one’s name?

Read the rest at The Shadow League.

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