My Gift To You

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In honor of the most wonderful time of the year for consumers, credit card companies, and churchgoers, this week’s celebrity roundtable tackles the biggest holiday of the year. The stars exchange Christmas gifts and explain the thought behind each gesture. From English lessons to muzzles to anti-depressants, see how the famous get festive.

Ice-T: Rick Ross is as much a trap star as a snotty nose kid wearing a plastic Burger King crown is the heir to England’s throne. Here’s a bootleg copy of all my episodes on New York Undercover. Watch and learn how to really play a gangster.

Rihanna: I used to think she was me with a penis, but after watching a few more episodes of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, I know Joseline Hernadez is really just me with a premium Gold’s Gym membership. Although I may live for her, I have a hard time hearing her and comprehending. From one strong accent to another, you’re a star, but you can be an even bigger star once the Americans understand you a little better. So here’s a copy of Rosetta Stone. You’ve already got the body, looks, and fan base. All you need now is subject-verb agreement and the world is yours, baby girl.

Ne-Yo: I got my man Chris Brown a journal and a muzzle. With all due respect to my fellow Michael Jackson enthusiast, if you’re trying to stop controversy from following you, you’ve got three options: Learn to channel your rage on a therapist’s couch; stop popping off on Twitter and Instagram and try jotting your thoughts down in a journal; and, for real, stop talking, seriously, dude.

Trey Songz: I’d like to get Ne-Yo some business, since he’s spent so much of this year speaking on everyone else’s.

Bow Wow: Since Rihanna is saying she’s single, I’d like to volunteer my services. You know, my gift to you, girl.

Omarion: Well, I had these Air Jordan XX8’s for you, Bow, but I guess I’ll take them back and exchange them for a clue.

Read the rest at The Shadow League.

See also:

My Grown Up Christmas List

If I Were A Claus


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