Celebrity Roundtable: New Year’s Resolutions

Are you planning to join the gym and hoping you don’t quit within six weeks, like you’ve done the past two years? Pushing to get your credit score above “LOL” levels by next Black Friday? Working on finally getting closer to that dream that you constantly allude to on your Facebook feed?

While some of your more annoying friends bemoan the fact that January 1 is the day millions choose to make pledges they could technically begin on any given day of the year, the rest of us are too busy jotting down our New Year’s resolutions hoping for the best. The stars are no different; and in this week’s roundtable, we get an inside look into some of their lofty goals for 2013. Wish Trey Songz, R. Kelly, Missy Elliott, and others the luck they’ll need, y’all.

Shawty Lo: I’m going to use the checks I’m going to earn from my new reality show to buy a lifetime supply of condoms and morning after pills.

Evelyn Lozada: Or you could just get that thing sawed off and allow some other people the chance to help repopulate the Earth.

Frank Ocean: I promise to stop sounding like a freshman philosophy major. I know everyone expects me to be deep, but I’m beginning to drown in my own kiddy pool of bullshit. The more I think about it, I can let my music speak for itself. It’s not like I’m the one singing “Bottles Up,” right? Folks should know I have some sense.

Trey Songz: Watch it, Raphael de la Ghetto. We can’t all create love songs based on a fictionalized love affair between Forrest Gump and Bubba, the shrimp fiend. Anyway, my New Year’s resolution is to stop drawing so much inspiration from 12 Play. Instead, I’m going to start borrowing more from Musiq Soulchild.

Frank Ocean: That seat is taken, sir. Try again.

Trey Songz: Uh, Prince?

Miguel: Mine.

Trey Songz: Usher?

Miguel: That’ll work. Not like Usher is even doing Usher anymore.

Read the rest at The Shadow League.