Ray Lewis, The Lord, Rhythm & Beef

As Chris Brown awaits word on whether or not Frank Ocean will formally file charges related to their reported fight in and outside of a Los Angeles area studio, this week’s fictional roundtable looks at their Rhythm & Beef, and what if any consequences should the channel ORANGE creator and his “channel RAGE” counterpart face.

Ray Lewis: Before we get into this, can we start off with a prayer?

Colin Kaepernick: Oh, boy.

Bobby Brown: Tom Brady wouldn’t have wanted to lead with a benediction.

Ray Lewis: Yes, yet as the man upstairs will tell you: “I never will take you through hell without bringing you to triumph.”

Bobby Brown: Are you saying that it’s going to be hell having a conversation or what? I’m confused. And before you ask, I’m completely sober this afternoon.

Ray Lewis: What I’m saying is that it’s the God in me, which is why I’m sitting up here now and not your losing-ass quarterback. Now can I get an amen?

Lil’ Wayne: Young Moolah, baby!

Colin Kaepernick: Same difference?

Drake: Speaking of the Lord, I wish he’d answer my prayers and music would find Chris’ replacement already.

Bobby Brown: Ladies and gentleman, MC Spin The Bottle is in the house!

Drake: Watch it. Don’t you want me to sample “Rock Wit’Cha” so you can buy yourself a new ride and relevance?

Bobby Brown: You’re two sarcastic comments away from me misplacing your two front teeth.

LL Cool J: Yo, don’t let that stomach fool you. Bobby’s still got the swing. Now for Canada’s safety, can we get back to Chris Brown being a b!tch?

Bobby Brown: How do we know that Frank Ocean didn’t start the fight, though?

Justin Timberlake: He’s a lover, not a fighter; as opposed to Christopher who is…

LL Cool J: A biter, antagonist, and…

Ray Lewis: …a damn heathen! That Meteor Man villain looking fool compared himself to Jesus the Christ. Not my Jesus! A pop and lock is no match for what my Jesus did for me and my Ravens.

Colin Kaepernick: Well, what he did for you until this Sunday,anyway.

Ray Lewis: Stand back, Satan.

Read the latest Celebrity Roundtable at The Shadow League.

Breezy Reading

Christopher Maurice Brown, why must I always read about you being involved in a fight?

I see that you’ve invoked the passion of the Christ in defense of yourself, but Negro, you’re going to mess around and have God smite thee with all Thy might. And so we’re clear, Jesus, as legend has it, died for our sins so that we could be forgiven and go find out whether or not heaven has a ghetto. He wasn’t crucified for beating up R&B singers, male, female or otherwise.

Okay, enough with the small talk, let’s get to the matter at hand.

Admittedly, there are some discrepancies regarding who started this apparent fight between you and Frank Ocean. Some say you swung first, others claim it was Frank who let his New Orleans out of the cage. I don’t really care who initiated the brawl on this week’s edition of The Real Husbands and Parolees of R&B. I’m more concerned about the lingering pattern here with you.

As much as you hate being reminded of your transgressions, there’s your horrific beating of Rihanna in 2009. Your deadly assault of a Good Morning America window in 2011 inspired by questioning about the aforementioned incident of violence. There’s also that reported scuffle between you and Drake last year, although in your defense, it was apparently Aubrey who channeled Ms. B’Havin’s “Bottle Action.”

Then there are your antics on the Twitter, which is true root of your beef with Frank Ocean. I know parking in LA is a hassle and I’ve been tempted to go oops, upside someone’s head over a stolen spot once or twice, but we both know the issue between you two is bigger than that.

In addition to your social media tiff with Frank, you’ve had Twitter fights with the following: rapper/producer Tyler The Creator, WWE performer CM Punk, country singer Miranda Lambert, walking sob story Raz-B, internet troll Jenny Johnson.

You did not start most of these volatile exchanges, but they each highlight your inability to ignore the nonsense, instead opting to highlight your rage issues. Speaking of, while I’m aware it’s currently trendy to dismiss any constructive criticism as “negativity,” maybe, just maybe it’s time you start listening.

You can read the rest of the latest “The Weekly Read” at EBONY.com.

Plus:

Nicki’s Rockin’ ‘Idol’…Who Knew? (via EBONY.com)

T.I. On Gun Control: ‘If Illegals Have Them, Legals Must Have Them’ (via NewsOne)

In Memoriam: Oh, Drama

How many of you remember that BET show that looked as if it was shot in somebody’s southern auntie’s house called Oh Drama?

I remembered the name of the show, but not much else until I watched this video. Then it hit me. Say, oh yeah, “Kym Whitley was loud as hell on this show; Vanessa Bell Calloway was sort of like a real-life Dee from Moesha on here; oh yeah, they were bilingual with the casting.” After that, I wondered just why in the hell did this show air at night?

Or at all, depending on your preference.

I will say that even if they shot the show with a Tuesday two-piece special at Popeye’s and Church’s budget, BET was onto something with their original programming bloc, particularly when it came to the notion of a morning talk show. The same can be said of all that Tyrese-level interpretations of Oprah’s self-help shtick. Nonetheless, my goodness, this show sure gives much public access realness, doesn’t it? Whereas Mo’Nique’s late nite talk show on BET was essentially an on-air fish fry, Oh Drama reminds me of a telethon. You know, a not as good version as the one on A Different World where Kinu gave it to you in her majorette outfit.

That is overall, because in this episode I’m getting The 700 Club with Mary J. Blige talking about getting an impromptu visit from Lucifer. I do miss hearing her speak this candidly, though. Her thoughts on not going bonkers over finally getting the fanfare from white folks at the expense of the fan base that made her was refreshing to hear. She values everyone’s dollar equally, as Capitalist Jesus originally intended.

Don’t let Oprah catch this clip. I reckon if she did see it she’d scoop up all these reruns and air them on OWN following Tyler Perry’s Whatever and Iyanla, Yell At Me About My Life Like My Overbearing Nanna. After all, it’s the Blacks driving ratings growth. Well, until we’re no longer needed and given the WB-CW boot, but I digress.

So, uh, enjoy this? Or try. Or not. Whatever.

Meanwhile, I’m about to go back and watch the Faith Evans interview that made me fall in love with her all over again. Mary is Queen, but this sure was some pauper-ass programming.

Destiny’s Freak

It was love at first pop when I heard Kelly Rowland’s new single, “Kisses Down Low.” Unlike Ciara, who once again managed to hop on the trendy train and derail that sucker for a hot second, Kelly had an easy, breezy ride with the beat supplied by Mike Will Made It. Speaking of riding, perhaps some people might object to Kelly’s full out embracement of sexually-charged subject matter, but I am in complete cheerleader mode for it. Yes, Kizzy, when it comes to selling crass and cakes, be aggressive, be, be aggressive.

Admittedly, “Commander” was cool for what it was, but with the European Union going the way of F.U.B.U., mama had to bring it back home. R&B is slowly but surely creeping back, so now is the time for Kelly to find herself a nice little niche. With LeToya Luckett providing comic relief on BET, Kelly’s snatched up the resident southern rap hook girl title, too. Like, will she finally release an album that won’t piss me off and put Beyoncé to sleep? Kidding, you know Beyoncé is benevolent so she’ll force herself to enjoy whatever her sister in Destiny releasers. You get it, though.

Between this and reading that she is working with Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis I can honestly say I am curious to hear this new Kelly album. I’d say excited, but that would be pushing it. As much I love “Ice” and adore “Kisses Down Low” because it’s a fine tribute to fellatio, I think I need one more dope song to get me to that place. However, this is progress i.e. I’m making baby steps with an energetic bop.

After that grammatical error of a first single “Stole” and so-so releases such as “Like This,” “Ghetto” and “Down For Whatever,” it seems as if Kelly’s finally gotten what works for her. Yes, give me those midtempo sex songs and every now and then serve me lovelorn sprinkles ala tracks like “Bad Habit” or your duet with Avant (“Separated” remix). Throw in works on par with the underrated gem of a Destiny’s Child bonus track, “Game Over.”

As a lover of the janet. album, Madonna at her most whorish peak, and the days when Adina Howard was crooning about loving her while she rocked items from the Hanes Her Way collection, it’s about time R&B had its female Trey Songz.

Now, there are a few things we still need to work on moving forward.

I love the energy in this performance on Leno, but yo, towards the end Kelly sounds like she’s got a can of Wolf’s chili cooking in the back of her throat. She tends to sound better when with Destiny’s Child, but since that hasn’t been a thing for years now, c’mon nah. You’ve got to make sure your voice is in as tip top shape as that body roll. You can do that. You know Beyoncé. On that body roll in question, please, oh please keep on dancing, Kelly — preferably with your harem of homeboys and homothugs. Madam, I have seen you on tour and you can go.

These few notes aside, seriously, go you, Kelly. It took Tity Boi years to arrive by way of a name change and several years and you’re not even close to 40 the way my play uncle is. You can do it! One head anthem at a time!

Thou Shalt Not Slut-Shame My Favorite Singer

Beyoncé recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with the question, “Can I live?” Can you blame her? The backlash against her after it was revealed that she lip-synched the national anthem at President Barack Obama’s inauguration last week has been swift and brutal. And it seems to be neverending.

The Root‘s political correspondent Keli Goff argued in a recent blog post titled “The Real Reason Critics Target Beyoncé” that Knowles is known more for her skills as an entertainer than for her singing, and that her use of the prerecorded track should come as no surprise. Beyoncé is really getting all the flack, Goff writes, because she was not an appropriate choice for an inauguration singer due to her “hypersexualized persona” and her Pepsi endorsement deal. Goff’s not alone — the Internet has been dotted with similar criticism, ranging from knocks on Beyoncé’s vocal talent to suggestions that she was never the right choice to grace the inaugural stage.

Let’s get these misconceptions straight once and for all.

When I read arguments that Beyoncé’s talent is confined within the limits of her onstage shimmy, I often question whether those stressing that fallacy are arguing it from 2003 — before she formally shoved Destiny’s Child to the side to launch her solo career.

Fair enough if songs such as “Love on Top” — at the end of which she breezes through four key changes — and “Speechless” never made it to your iPod, but the perception that Beyoncé isn’t celebrated as one of the premiere vocalists of her generation is one that only exists to those who haven’t been paying attention. A cheap nonstory about Beyoncé singing over a track of her own voice doesn’t alter that fact. And make no mistake — if she does it again this weekend for her halftime performance at the Super Bowl, the fact will remain that her vocal ability is just as celebrated as her value as an entertainer.

The premiere vocalists of the generation before her – Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey – have each praised Beyoncé as a singer. The same can be said of other legends, such as Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Prince, and Bette Midler, and of her contemporaries, such as Alicia Keys, Emeli Sandé, Monica, Justin Timberlake and Leona Lewis. You can add Madonna, Lauryn Hill, Martha McBride, Björk, Plácido Domingo and White Rabbits, too. Throw inAmerican Idol judge Randy Jackson, The X-Factor judge Simon Cowell and celebrated songwriter Diane Warren.

Read the rest of the essay at The Root.

Plus: Check out my essay for Ebony.com, “Why Are Texas Schoolchildren Being Taught ‘the Curse of Ham?”

Let Brother Coca Cola Find You Love

By now you’ve come to hear stories chronicling how Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is either a cynical, sinfully ambitious media whore or a bumbling idiot who should’ve taken his socially awkward self to ChristianMingle.com if he was about that online dating life. Both angles are entertained in this week’s celebrity roundtable where celebrity relationship advice experts such as Steve Harvey and reality stars like Tami Roman, who has had relationships with professional athletes, offer Te’o some advice on the best way to seek companionship post-controversy.

Steve Harvey: Nobody is going into a relationship that looks like it’s nothing but trouble. That’s normally what I tell the women, who for one reason or another, watched The Steve Harvey Show on the WB and thought, “Yeah, that brother knows a whole lot about love! Let me buy his book.” But in this instance, the same rules apply. Women are going to look at Te’o and think, “That’s not good.” So I say, it’s time to get rid of your baggage. Donate it to Goodwill, if you can.

Tami Roman: First of all, that’s some bull. Women are not going to look at Manti Make Believe and say, “Oh, girl, I can’t date him. He’s got baggage.” They’re going to think,  “well, he’s still going to get drafted.” Well, a certain type of woman anyway. He can have all the baggage he wants; they’ll be too busy thinking about the Louis Vuitton baggage they’re going to buy with his NFL and dating site endorsement money.

Steve Harvey: So you don’t think he needs to get himself together first?

Tami Roman: Oh hell yes. I didn’t say he wasn’t a damn fool, I’m just saying that’s not going to stop him from getting girls. Not that I really believe him for a minute. What kind of college football player you know, that doesn’t know how to get girls? Better yet, what man in 2013 into meeting chicks from the Internet doesn’t know about Skype, Oovoo, Instagram, Facetime, and Gchat with video?

Steve Harvey: You got me there. It’s very simple, really. How many times does a person have to say “My camera broke” before you begin to wonder whether you’ve been Catfished with a side of yams and macaroni and cheese?

Read the rest at The Shadow League.

Beyoncé and Thirst Bucket Journalism

Like Anderson Cooper, who is the vanilla spice latte to my caramel macchiato, soy with sugar-free vanilla sweetener, my nerves were also on swole following the manufactured controversy his network has since christened “Beyoncé-gate.” There are only so many varying ways to say to the simpletons and sensationalists “I hate you, Jody,” but thankfully, I have a troubled childhood and a silver medal in shade (we can always be better) that helps in moments such as these.

Please, please get into my latest column for “The Weekly Read” over at EBONY.com entitled “To Those Baffled Over Beyoncé.” Part of this is just your garden variety Beytheists being typical losers, but it’s more so the 24-hour news cycle that’s at fault. Hate it all with me by clicking here, why don’t you?

Who Gon Check That Clinton, Boo?

This morning certified goon and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appeared on Capitol Hill to testify before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about the September 11, 2012 attacks on the American diplomatic mission at Benghazi. If there’s any basic cable channel that’s comparable to the political theater on display, I’d say the hearing was reminiscent of Bravo on a Sunday night when The Real Housewives of Atlanta was airing. There were side eyes, rolling eyes, yelling, and a few tears from Hillary that illustrated both her remorse and thug passion over the loss of lives in that terrorist attack. However, I get the feeling that at a few points, Hillary wanted to go full VH1 and jump over the table in which she sat — going straight upside the heads of the sucker ass Senators who tried to read her with a book full of blank pages. I don’t blame her: Jerk men are the absolute worst.

For some reason, a few Republicans assumed that Hillary Clinton traveled to Hollywood and learned how to fake a fainting to avoid speaking to them. That’s a testament to their stupidity and delusions of grandeur as it was quite clear from the start of the question and correcting period that Hillary was far more informed than any of the people trying to play her for a fool. Case in point, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.), who attempted to “mansplain” matters to Hillary only to be verbally smacked like the haughty sum’bitch that he is.

Other noteworthy jackasses include the orneriest man in Washington, John “Get The Fuck Off My Lawn, You Bitch” McCain, and Rand Paul, otherwise known as “What a dipshit?” As McCain blabbed out his talking points angrily, Hillary sat there and looked as bored as she could be. Likewise, she smirked as Rand Paul recited the monologue he worked on for several weeks, presumably thinking to herself, “Dear, God. This motherfucker is dumb as the ground I fell on.”

The thankfully not dumb Democratic Senator Dick Durbin amused me by essentially saying in political terms: “Who in the hell are they to try you and Barry, Hill, when only a few years ago were they force-feeding the world fables to start the Iraqi War? Conserve these nuts, conservatives.”

Okay, he didn’t really think that last sentence, but someone on that panel had to have had (likely Barbara Boxer).

All of it reminded me of why I don’t think I can enter political office. Well, not until I reach the “Al Franken” stage of my life anyway. The older I get, the less inclined I am to entertain morons who have no idea of what they’re talking about. I mean, unless they’re signing a check I need to cover a student loan.

Hillary is a trooper, though, and while I maintain that only masochists want to entertain thoughts of the 2016 presidential race this early, I couldn’t help but think to myself while trying to watch the hearing: “Damn, her scream off with Chris Christie is going to be everything.”

Oh yeah: I wrote about Bill O’Reilly opining that President Obama “hates” Republicans because he sees them as the “purveyors of white privilege” over at NewsOne. Click here if interested.

I Need Answers

1. Now that Kelly Rowland has released a new single, it’ll only be a short while now before Beyoncé drops her new song, yes?

2. Do you think VH1 has already offered Shawty Lo another chance at reality television?

3. Did Mandeecees’ mama really name him Mandeecees?

4. I don’t care if she remixes it to “Obama On Fire,” can someone inform Alicia Keys that she must stop trying to make “Girl On Fire” a thing?

Lol. No more singles! Album not selling good enough.RT @amerikanskitzo: Okkkkkay @keyshiacole im waiting for some … tmi.me/HCCEI

— Keyshia Cole Gibson (@KeyshiaCole) January 21, 2013

5. Can y’all go buy Keyshia Cole’s latest album so she can release “Hey Sexy?”

6. See why apologies and paying people on time matters?

7. Does André 3000 realize how hurtful he is with his constant reminders that OutKast isn’t coming back?

8. When is someone going to tell Chris Brown to stop walking around looking like he’s on that Heisenberg?

9. Who is responsible for booking Lupe “Obama Is A Terrorist, Plus I Don’t Vote” Fiasco for an Inaugural Ball?

10. Why am I not surprised Keri Hilson said the following: “Don’t get too wrapped up in baby world that you forget about Keri Hilson because we make great music together so let’s do it?”

11. How has Erica Mena managed to go through life without wearing a straight jacket and catching a weekly fade?

12. At least Robert Kardashian knows, right?

13. Do some of the people upset about Kanye West knocking up his longtime fetish realize that he was never going to produce anything for their uterus — real or imagined?

14. Am I supposed to not see through this habit of screencapping people who ‘like’ your photos as just another way for people to virtually masturbate?

16. Considering that even with declining ratings it’s still the top show of its format (as opposed to where she is musically), isn’t it a bit odd for Jennifer Hudson to be suggesting to American Idol that they bow out now?

17. Can people stop with these cut and paste posthumous Aaliyah releases?

18. So I am to believe that Manti Teʻo never thought to Facetime his virtual girlfriend at least once so he knew it was real?

19. You understand why Nicki Minaj cursed out Mariah Carey now, don’t you?

20. Can you guess what was Chuck Schumer’s favorite moment from Inauguration?

It’s A Party

Can you remember the last time you’ve watched American Idol regularly after Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barrino won? Well, after watching Jennifer Lopez the first few episodes in which those missing at least three of their senses foolishly try to sing? Yeah, I can’t either, but with the additions of Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey, Idol has become must see TV – even for other stars.

In this week’s roundtable, the stars bring the wings, the drinks, and let the shade pour for a star-studded viewing party of American Idol’s 12^th season opener.

Ashanti: No disrespect to Nicki Minaj, but I don’t understand why she’s there. She’s been a big star for like four minutes and at least two of them were singing all off key. Who is she about to counsel on the makings of a star?

John Legend: Well, will you look at that? If I had known Ashanti was going to bring the pot to the party, I would’ve made sure I had a kettle delivered.

Mary J. Blige: I see someone’s upset their singing career is stuck at the intersection of You Tried Blvd. and Yet, It’s Still Over Lane.

John Legend: Aww, baby.

Rob Kardashian: Ooh, baby.

Ashanti: Hold up. Who let the Unemployed Kardashian in? Or better yet, how were you able to steal Bruno Mars’ invitation? Shouldn’t you be somewhere singing “One Last Cry” over that Rita Ora chick?

Nas: Let’s focus on the show, y’all.

Mary J. Blige: Yo, why did the show take 10 minutes to get to the auditions? It’s already two hours, no need to stretch it out and make it feel even longer.

Rob Kardashian: What’s the matter, Mary? You got some crispy chicken waiting for you in the oven?

Mary J. Blige: Dude, try me again and you’ll be auditioning for a paramedic’s care and attention.

Brandy: This show is way more interesting than sitting around waiting to see if Britney Spears is gonna have a panic attack on X-Factor.

Read the rest at The Shadow League.