Here For Hip Hop Hannibal’s Harem

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It’s nothing like the excellence served on All My Ratchets starring the greatest to ever slur it, Joseline Hernandez, but I’ll be watching the new season of Love & Hip Hop, which I’ll now be referring to as Hip Hop Hannibal’s Harem. Full disclosure: In all likelihood, I was going to watch the shit anyway, though at least now I know I’ll be entertained. Much of that has to do with the joy that is Tahiry, but first, let’s begin with Hannibal himself, Joe Budden.

Don’t let his three days after Thanksgiving dry turkey delivery confuse you, Joe Budden is a walking one-man play. He is an Evil Geppetto of Emotion. He literally creates situations where he gets to play Dr. Phil for his own amusement, God complex. I’m so fascinated.

When he purposely riled up Tahiry mere minutes after she sat down for their lunch with no food, I thought, “Ugh! I know sum’bitches like him!” Folks love to get a rise out of me and I absolutely hate, but stupidly give in every single time. As the homie told me via text last nite, “We have all dated a Joe Budden.”

True, but he speaks like prep school Steebie J and gives way too many Silence of the Lambs teases. I’m intrigued, though I want to warn all of the readers: When someone tries to rile you up via a carefully planned mind fuck, raise your two fingers like Celie did Mister and tell that person, “Don’t you Budden me, bitch.”

I’ll chronicle more of Budden’s Jedi dick tricks in the week’s ahead. Dude is far worse than Steebie, whose issues appear sourced in mommy abandoned issues whereas Mr. Budden is kind of like the villain Tyler Perry wishes he could write convincingly. Not sure if you can get that from this interview, which is cool but continues to leave me wishing I had sprinkle it with horseradish mustard, spinach leaves and cranberries for added flavor and a boost in presentation.

Meanwhile, I would like to declare my love of all things Tahiry. She is beautiful, thick, will curse you out if you get out a line, and based on the way she went for Raqi’s head on the season premiere, apparently can kickbox. Some good man needs to wife her now. Of course, if she wants to be married. Not everyone does, you aspiring Tyreseians.

One thing I’d like to say to those of you who shaded her for being a waitress: Shut up.

Being a pinup opens doors, but not necessarily ones to the bank. Publishing remains in a volatile state as it were. And as you can tell from this interview, if she co-signed for things for Budden and  left with the bill, well, a girl’s gotta keep her credit in the Black if someone’s Black ass acts up. Let that be a lesson to us all: Don’t co-sign anything but the hook in that SWV song.

I hope this show opens up more doors for her. Tahiry is like Joseline after she got her self-worth out of layaway and got Rosetta Stone for Christmas.

Also, thank you for introducing the phrase “tweet the cheeks” into my lexicon, Tahiry, xoxo and shit.

Oh yeah, Olivia is still here, largely for decoration. I don’t care for Erica Mena so in all likelihood I’ll use her airtime to go to the bathroom or check on the wings I’m sure to be cooking in the oven. As for Olivia, she hasn’t let go of her entitlement, and I’m caring less and less. I’ll look out for the single, but the show was never carried by her — even less now with the new folks.

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