Bill Cosby Wants To Strangle Shawty Lo With A Sweater

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The one-hour special won’t be premiering until spring, but, already, Shawty Lo’s All My Babies’ Mamas has generated an ample amount of press – though largely linked to protest from upstanding Negroes and the Parents Television Council, who use phrasing like “grotesquely irresponsible and exploitive” to describe the Atlanta rapper’s Oxygen reality series. Will it really be that bad? Should we send a preemptive iMessage to Jesse?

In this week’s roundtable, we get some of hip-hop’s best-known dads and a few other outspoken stars to weigh in on the fertile – not at all condom-friendly – southern emcee and all his babies’ mamas.

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Ice-T: First off, is it me or does this dude sound like he’s waiting for Django to unchain him, too? Not to already get off topic, but ever notice that ATL natives call it “Alannah.” And did that man just say “mi-nay” instead of money? This show shouldn’t air, if for no other reason than it’ll short-circuit thousands of TVs overworking to provide closed captioning.

LL Cool J: Funny that you’re here, Ice, ‘cause, while watching Shawty Lo’s trailer, I noticed how young his kids’ moms are and thought: “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered … these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad called the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.”

T.I.: Aye, T, don’t be like that, pimpin’. A little twang never hurt nobody, ya dig? As an intelligent man such as myself sees it, I think we as a community are making this show out to be more than what it is. The producers of this television special have released a statement in the protest in which they do declare that Mr. Lo’s special is – and I quote – “Oxygen’s one-hour special in development is not meant to be a stereotypical representation of everyday life for any one demographic or cross section of society. It is a look at one unique family and their complicated, intertwined life.”

Diddy: In other words, y’all motherf**kers on Twitter and on the blogs need to live and let live. Shawty Lo’s high sperm count doesn’t mean every Black man is out here making babies with multiple women.

T.I. Indeed, good sir. Now, Shawty and I have had our issues in the past, but even I worry about this being blown out of proportion. I suggest we move on to more pressing matters worthy of our attention – and we should go and do it expeditiously!

Diddy: Tip, it’s been so long since I’ve heard that word. Say, after we end this roundtable, you want to go and talk about doing a remake of Lean on Me?

T.I.: Fo’ sho.

Jada Pinkett Smith: Unless you find a way to work in my man or Madea, that project probably won’t get green-lit. Anyhow, since we’re talking about high sperm counts and Black people making babies all over, how many children do you have, Puff? And how many mommies are there again?

Lil’ Wayne: That ain’t even right, Mrs. Fresh Prince.

Jada Pinkett Smith: Neither is getting two people knocked up at the same damn time, Weezy Makes Too Many Babies.

Diddy: Shouldn’t you be somewhere wiping Willow Smith’s tears?

Ice-T: Yeah, why is that kid so damn sad, anyway? She thinks those monsters in the sky you all worship now – forgive me, allegedly worship – are hiding under her bed or something?

Jada Pinkett Smith: Can we focus?

Bill Cosby: I would just like to highlight that I warned you uneducated, buffoonish Negroes about your wayward ding-dongs. I told you about them. Standing on the corner, not speaking anything that sounds close to English. “Why you ain’t? Where you is? You know what I’m saying?” How in the hell would I know, unless I forgot everything I was taught starting at age seven.

Ice-T: Aww, hell. Sweaters is in the what, LL?

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