‘Ye’s In Need…

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Dear Kanye,


Apparently, screaming like you’re Lion-O en route for battle with Mumm-Rana is your new thing so I figured it’s best if I greet you accordingly.

You know, Yeezy, many of your fans might be deluding themselves into thinking that your recent onstage volume-high diatribes are instances of you bucking the system, being a free spirit, artistic or some kind of nonsense like that. God bless the believer, but nah, don’t let them enable you.

First off, on you bashing Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z’s “Suit and Tie”: It’s typically considered in poor taste for a peer to publicly bash another. Besides, we all know if Hov hopped on stage and talked about what a huge disappointment Cruel Summer was you would’ve recorded at least six songs bemoaning how much he hurt you: “Lamborghini mercy, I thought my big brother loved me.”

Also, I find quite peculiar how you, man who consistently gets mushy with materialism, suddenly wanted to bash the very sort of mindset that helped make you a millionaire several times over.

Then again, I’m operating under the assumption that you’re in your right frame of mind when offering this commentary, which leads me to this proclamation you made in Paris: “I am Michael Angelo [sic]. I am Basquiat. I am Walt Disney. I am Steve Jobs. Of this music s**t? Please!?”

When I was 13, I walked around telling people – including my own mama – to call me Batman. Why? It felt right to me. I imagine in response my mom kicked up the number of rosaries she said daily out of concern for my well-being.

It may sound fun in your head, but please stop this, especially if you’re going to follow it all up with assaulting a microphone. You are 35.

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