Jesus Christ Is Not Your N*gga

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As a bunch of rappers channel their inner butch queens to bitch and moan about their placement on MTV’s Top 10 Hottest MCs, I’m just now discovering Thelma and Vint Harper’s attempt at gospel rap. I don’t know how old this is. On one hand they use the word “swag” which makes me wonder if this is semi-recent. Then again, they reference Biggie so this could’ve been shot before broadband and pre-YouTube. However, if they live in Kentucky or some shit this might’ve been shot two hours ago given out there they’re probably only now discovering Christopher Wallace and are still at least seven months away from finding out 2Pac didn’t survive.

Whatever the case, Opie and Andel got the game wrong all the same. First of all, Jesus will never be their nigga. I’m not even sure if I can get away with saying “My nigga, Jesus” in conversation. Not that I haven’t tried, mind you. Secondly, I know Lecrae just won a Grammy for his rapping for Jesus music, but everyone knows more times than not Christian rap is corny. I imagine Lucifer created it as a sick joke at JC’s expense.

Meanwhile, Mary Mary and their “Blame It On The Jesus” record proves you can get the heathens to jig for the Lord without losing the melody.

So, thank you, Two-Too Old Crew for the awkward laughs, but fuck y’all all the same. And I hope your hell is full of angry, overcompensating mulattos ready to pounce on the first sight of someone melanin-challenged. Plus, may you two endure a live Decoded-inspired conversation between Flavor Flav and Chuck D on the lyrics encompassing their iconic album It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back. On top of that, may Minister Louis Farrakhan take it back to his Calypso Louie and days and play a new gem I wrote for him entitled, “I’m Gon’ Haunt Your Racist Sum’Bitch Asses In Your Dreams.”

He’s pretty good, you know.

Now that we’ve settled that, readers, I’ve got to say to you fine folks: You all have really got to stop keeping stuff from me. Yes, I just committed two geriatrics to hell, but I did engage in some uncomfortable laughter. That’s what we’re all here for, no?

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