Too Old To Be Misplacing Your Tits

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I hope this doesn’t come across as ageist, but considering Lil’ Kim is about to run wig first into the age of 39 in a couple of months, why is she getting drunk with Hannah Montana? And isn’t she too old to be misplacing her breasts? I just feel that certain point in life you either learn how to hold your liquor or you keep it light and tight with white wine. Not to mention, Kim purchased those melons so I’m sure her surgeon doesn’t appreciate her treating them like Chapstick.

Sadly, that line isn’t even the worst part about Tiffany Foxx’s aggressively awful track “Twisted.” Make no mistake, I think Kim sounds juvenile as hell on this track and it pains me to see her turn into the auntie you have to flee as she goes to take a piss before she tags along with you and your friends to the club. My, my have doth fallen the fuck off.

Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories of the way we were.

She looks like an old pro who should’ve cashed in long ago. In my mind, Lil’ Kim should either be still be signed to a major label, dropping a hot single here and there while having other revenue streams in the entertainment industry, or at the very least, rapping sparingly yet remaining undoubtedly rap royalty — while living in Dubai on some oil man’s dime. Or her own ’cause she got it. Girl power.

She was supposed to be Tweety who flies off into the sunlight not stubbornly stumble and end up like Foghorn Leghorn.

And I say, I say we all know that she for damn sure doesn’t look the same anymore, but Kim doesn’t even rap the same either. Are her vocal chords being dragged to the floor by the weight of her hip and ass injections? What is the problem and can we get together and pray about it?

This is worse than Jay-Z spraying Old Spice all over Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie.” I will give one thing to Hov: As much as people give him grief for becoming the Pop-Pop of rap, a few offenses here and there aside, he straddles the line between aging gracefully and being current without being that old nigga in the club better than the bulk of his peers. See LL Cool’s J “Ratchet” and Kimberly in the posted clip.

And what really goats me is that of all people to co-sign, this is who Kimberly finally attaches her name to? Let me get something straight. Lil’ Kim had Nicki Minaj paying her constant homage in the earliest parts of her career. She obviously botched that, but you she got another chance when rising rap star Azealia Banks went out of her way to try and include Lil’ Kim on a track for her mixtape. A track that would go on to be used in an Alexander Wang ad. Yet, she did not pass go and collect $200 on either renewed cultural relevance by way coattailing opportunity, but she co-signs Keys The Problem and the child Jamie Foxx apparently abandoned.

Umm, you need to go look at yourself in the mirror like “What the fuck?”

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