Bring It Back, Jenny

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Jennifer Lopez and I aren’t on speaking terms. I don’t mean that literally as it’s pretty clear that Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t speak to B- list celebrities let alone regular people unless contractually obligated to. Still, I’ve been none too pleased with Lady Lopez in recent years.

It’s like after “Get Right,” J.Lo said to her producers, “Give me the saddest shit you can make in 15 minutes.” So when she started dropping songs along the lines of “Fresh Out The Oven,” I was preparing funeral arrangements for her music career (Mariah Carey was due to perform). However, let me just say in hindsight I was dead wrong about that song. It doesn’t beat anything on This Is Me…Then, but it’s more tolerable with time. Around 2011 “Fresh Out The Oven” randomly popped up on my iPod and I started pursing my lips and putting one hand on my knee. I usually recognize quality “dance like you have no self respect music,” so my apologizes on being off at the time.

I do maintain that her alter ego “Lola” was nothing more than an attempt to become Sasha Fierce’s Puerto Rican babysitter. And half most of her music in the last six years has been tragically bad. As happy as I am that she’s found a way to maintain musical relevance by essentially strapping herself to the heels of Pitbull and the Euro dance music, I miss old J.Lo. The one whose earlier works were a mashup of Ashanti B-sides, Paula Abdul throwaways, and Janet Jackson wannabe tracks. You know, the fun stuff.

I’m not here for what she does now: Bootleg Gloria Estafan meets cock-less Pitbull.

The only song of hers that I have adored was “Good Hit” and I will never forgive her for not releasing the full video. I can understand the appeal of “Get On The Floor,” but what feels like her 90th song with Pitbull is awful. Besides, isn’t that sound starting to lose its wane? Or am I just repeating that to everyone, hoping it comes true one day. Whatever the case, it sucks. I hate it. I want Jennifer Lopez to quit doing it.

I want her to call some rappers and do a few “I’m the same old J.Lo” songs, plus some dance songs that don’t sound as if they were made strictly for European gay clubs. I mean, J.Lo is out here dancing harder than most of the girls half her age. Why not sell yourself as Beyoncé’s tia while your knees can handle it, girl?

Speaking of Jennifer Lopez’s knees, get into her set at the Chime for Change concert. On top of slaying that stage in X-Men couture, Jennifer is singing live. Not only is she singing live, she sounds okay versus a damn fool. Won’t God do it?

I wouldn’t go to a Rihanna concert unless free tickets were provided, but I would consider paying to see Jennifer Lopes in concert. Me buying a new Jennifer Lopez album is another story. C’mon, J.Lo, I want that old thing back.

P.S. As a side note, I feel like Jenny used to throw Evelyn Lozada shade whenever she saw her. Agree?

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