As promised the week prior, the KevLita baby shower was tacky, self-indulgent, and had very little to do with an actual baby. But hey, it had a red carpet so I imagine most of the attendees didn’t mind. Kevin Hart and Selita Ebanks’s shower was also a relentless infomercial. The corporate sugar daddies were the honored guests and the distributors of the KevLita baby-orientated products – KevLita baby food and KevLita baby bonds, respectively – were their plus-ones. The way Kevin hawked that stuff and stressed the importance of only opening up the gifts from sponsors was reminiscent of Star Jones’s behavior onThe View when she was due to marry Al Reynolds.
Not everyone shared Kevin’s excitement, though. Kevin was none too thrilled about Nelly, J.B. Smoove, and Boris Kodjoe each opting not to wear the suits provided by one of the shower’s sponsors, Armani. Kevin should consider himself lucky that the men even showed up. I only go to baby showers if there’s alcohol provided and I’m guaranteed that I don’t have to play any baby games not centered on drinking or eating dessert.
As for the other honored guests – Tisha Campbell Martin, Kevin’s ex-wife Bridgette, Kevin’s ex-boo Nadine Velazquez, and Eva Marcille – they were a little more jovial about the celebration as contractually obligated. Nicole Ari Parker was unable to attend owing to an impromptu hospital stay. Tisha got back at Nicole for exploiting her shellfish allergy by toying with her nut allergy via an almond-butter-cookie bouquet.
Nicole sent her regards to Tisha via the following statement: “I swear fo’ God Imma fuck you up.”
Such sabotage restored Tisha’s hosting duties as she along with Mr. Eloquence, who should’ve just been called Mr. Big Gay Stereotype, led the group activities. This included a bunch of sexually suggestive baby games (“Man in the hole” and “Grab some, get some”) that I suppose were a tribute to the child-creating process.
Then came a little dancing. Selita hopped on the dance floor and started twerking something while shouting, “LOOK BACK AT IT. LOOK BACK AT IT.” If you’re unfamiliar, that’s the title of one of my all-time favorite songs from rapper Trina. Instead of following Selita’s instructions, Kevin wanted to act all “concerned” about a pregnant woman daring to body roll in her last trimester. What a bore. I mean, he acted as if he’s never seen a pregnant woman at the club before. I’ve spotted plenty and so long as they stay away from the bar and the smoking section outside, everything is usually fine.
Since Kevin didn’t want to dance, Selita scurried away. Nadine swooped in right after, whispered sweet nothings into Kevin’s ear and the two of them quietly went away into a room. Kevin thought he’d be doing the nasty, but instead Nadine was trying to recruit him for the Church of Scientology.
Bridgette made her warning clear: “We gon’ get out of here and if you follow us, I’mma have seven Jehovah’s Witnesses at your doorstep by 4 a.m. I put that on Kwanzaa, don’t you try me.”
Read the rest at Vulture.