I haven’t actually seen any of those I used my birth canal before I was economically or emotionally ready to do so shows on MTV, but I do know the network that I used to worship for their music coverage makes far money on those than they do airing videos we only will watch once on YouTube. Most of you have known this, too, for quite some time. So if that is common knowledge why do we collectively feign dismay over the Video Music Awards?

I am guilty of this personally, as I wondered aloud why the cast of Jersey Shore (another show I have never watched) were the first guests for the pre-show. I know that one of them is a DJ for the robot formally known as Britney Spears, but I suppose if she has so little to say about her own music these days why should he even bother? Then came all of these random people I’ve never heard of sounding like strep throat, moving like pharmaceutically-enhanced dick stiffness, or being all around underwhelming.

This is the new tradition of the show, though, which is why I don’t blame MTV for changing their post-VMA show twitcon to an image of Beyoncé clutching her newly confirmed baby bump. If you can’t get music right you might as well highlight a pregnancy. Especially if that’s what your network is increasingly known for anyway.

But alright y’all, I will try to recap this show as best I can because memories of it sleep as I shift my interests towards something items like getting my life together and deciding what items from the Popeye’s menu I shall order in celebrating of Beyoncé bringing new life into the world.

1. Lady Gaga needs a friend to tell her to sit her overly excited ass down somewhere sometimes.

I say this from a place of love, because honestly, I do enjoy Stefani a lot. Over the course of months, though, she’s been acting on parch levels rivaling a real life non-ring wearing rascal posing as a wife on reality TV. Really, could someone inform this woman that sometimes less truly is more? What was with her playing the role of a man for the entire night? We got it the first five awkward minutes of her confusing opening performance. In the end, Gaga  looked like LaToya Jackson after Chastity Bono’s surgery doing a John Travolta tribute with the enthusiasm level of a bratty and attention starved only child. If I were Madonna, I would’ve slapped my own ass in celebration of my legacy being even more difficult to touch.

2. MTV will shamelessly bop like hell.

To not have a host, the network sure did utilize the host of BET’s last awards show in similar fashion. I’m not mad at Kevin Hart. One doesn’t turn down a check like that. And they are sister networks after all. More like wicked step-sisters, but they’re kin on paper either way. MTV doesn’t get a pass for trying to act like they put Chris Brown. Really, y’all?

3. People love when you back flip for your life.

That’s my review of Chris Brown’s performance. Yes, he can dance. He has energy levels best describe as, “What if ADD could climax?” I get it, but I actually didn’t get into this performance as much as I did some of his previous ones lately. My very part of the act was Jay-Z’s facial expressions and sips of tea. Oh, and don’t bother with the mic anymore, Chris. Just perform. It’s a total waste of prop that’s the wrong kind of distraction.

4. Adele’s big Texas hair and even bigger voice are so necessary.

I have to be honest: A few weeks before Amy Winehouse died, I actually tweeted that as much as I love Adele’s voice, whenever I try to listen to her material I end up wanting to hear Amy. Adele doesn’t always move me because I tend to like my artists a little gritter if they’re doing introspective music. Still, the girl has her moments and last night was certainly one of them. She sounded just as beautiful as she looked.

5. Britney Spears truly doesn’t give a single damn about anything anymore.

My level of love for Britney Spears depends on whether we’re talking about Britney of yesterprescription when she was trying really, really hard to show us what she learned from Janet Jackson or the Britney of now that’s like, “Uh, let’s get this bullshit over with so I can go home and eat my fish tacos and watch Bravo with the boys.” Even though much of what she’s celebrated for happened in a five year span, it was a pretty damn good couple of years. That said, I can understand why she would get the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award considering she helped keep the network and their biggest award’s show as musically relevant as possible. However, I’ve given sweet potato fries bigger tributes than what MTV gave her. To top it off, her acceptance speech for MTV’s greatest honor to an performer was used to introduce Beyoncé. It shouldn’t work like that. I love that Lady Gaga can salute Britney who in turn can salute Beyoncé, but a smoother transition wouldn’t have hurt. Then again, Britney Spears likely couldn’t wait to sit down and let Beyoncé do all of the work. Pregnant or not. Maybe MTV’s way was for the best.

6. Beyoncé is pregnant.

In the end, the 2011 Video Music Awards is about Beyoncé being pregnant and still outshining her peers no matter what’s going on with her uterus. Keri Hilson is probably busy cursing out her mirror, mirror on the wall for saying pregnancy or not Beyoncé’s the fairest of ‘em all.

By the way, shout out to Adele for singing along and shimmying to “Love On Top.” And yes, the Queen, for giving me New Edition with a slight nudge to Michael Jackson.

7. Jessie J. needs to reevaluate a lot of things.

Clearly injured but very much styled after the idea of, “What if a cripple still wanted to dress like a hooker?” the other British import got her Deloris van Cartier on as she served as MTV’s official lounge singer for the evening. Granted, she did sound better singing Katy Perry’s song than Katy Perry did, but you know why Katy Perry doesn’t care? Because she could’ve had a VMA performance not interrupted by an add for a .99 cents burrito available to select drive-thru restaurants until 3:00 a.m. on weekends if she asked for it.

Jessie J., you can sing, but you better croon some curse words into the ears of your team.

8. MTV doesn’t really care about tributes anymore.

I had high expectations for the Amy Winehouse tribute. Much of that had to do with it seemingly being a no brainer.  You book Adele, Jessie J., Duffy, and whatever other post-Amy British import trying to cross over and get them to cover a few of the classics. I suppose that was too much like right, which meant instead we got Bruno Mars doing “Valerie.” It’s one of Amy’s nicer songs when heard live, but not exactly the first song you really think about when recalling Amy’s catalog.

All these folks had to do was ask Adele to do double duty and perform “Tears Try On Their Own.” Adele didn’t seem into the tribute. I don’t blame her.

9. Corny kids ruled.

Katy Perry is cute, but what that blob of cheese on her head looked like a small towner from the mid-west dressing up like Lady Gaga for the church Halloween party.

Drake gave Bill Cosby a better tribute in that sweater wore while ovulating over Lil’ Wayne than MTV did to Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

Lil’ Kim’s exposed tit in 1999 totally rocked the carpet more than Nicki Minaj’s contraception of an outfit did last nite. You all know I love Ms. Minaj, but she, too, looked like she was trying to out Gaga Gaga. Knock it off already as in this instance, you’re acting more like her son.

10. Lil’ Wayne sounded like “Gargamel goes R&B.”

That’s all I have to say about that. Wait, that’s not true. Uh, as wrong as this sounds he’s proving himself to be more entertaining as a D.A.R.E. don’t. He should give those leggings back to Lenny Kravitz, Anthony Kiedis, or Regilyn. That and if Jay-Z ever wanted to record a diss record, Wayne give him a whole lot of material to work with. There. I’m done now.

P.S. Yes, I saw Tyler, The Creator, and his mama. No, I ain’t got nothing. Nah, really. I don’t.

Much of this criticism to me is the verbal equivalent of perpetual jock itch. Seriously, folks, if the show is that cheap, so unbearable, and damning to your race do yourself a favor and don’t bother watching. Yes, that is a trite solution but no less trite that what the comments it’s in response to.

Just so we’re clear, though you can find my name around those online parts it doesn’t sway my opinion one way or the other. Trust me. That said, I didn’t find the show to be bad. Initially I held off on doing a review as I wondered whether or not it more enjoyable to me because I was at the venue.

Then I thought about it. and realized some people just like to complain. Sometimes fair, other times because everyone else is doing it. Most know damn well the VMAs haven’t been consistently good since Lauryn Hill cared what you thought and all the other ones aren’t usually worth mentioning at length. Which leaves us here. So everybody, let’s gather ’round and discuss this, shall we?

1. The BET Awards will not force you to sit in the back of the bus or ride in a specially designed colored lane on the freeway.

I came across some article entitled “BET Has Become The New KKK.” With respect to Dr. Boyce Watkins, that was the stupidest shit I have read in a long time. In fact, Delores Tucker’s spirit called and it wants it’s superficial bullshit argument back. I loathe inflammatory titles (especially when editors do that to my pieces) and I despise ones that don’t even argue their point well even more.

I considered dedicating a post to the piece, but if I want a headache that desperately I could just go plank on hot cement. These holier than thou hip-hop articles are a complete waste of time. BET, rap music, and all pop cultural art forms are nothing more than a mirror.

It’s an inconvenient truth that some ought to fucking accept already. Watkins is upset BET featured Lil’ Wayne and Rick Ross an awful lot. Alright, so Wayne’s line about killing babies is sounds like some shit Satan says after freebasing. Point taken. However, let’s get real for a second.

You wanna know why Biggie was more articulate than Soulja Boy when he was that young? Public education has gone to shit. It started with President Clinton’s cuts in education and then worsened even more when President Bush’s education policy emphasized test taking over critical thinking. It’s something President Obama currently further perpetuates.

As for Lil’ Wayne, would you like to figure out why  he is so desensitized? He’s from the former and soon to be again reigning champion of U.S. murders. The same city that for decades was left to struggle because it was overly populated with blacks. Po’ blacks at that. Yes, the city they let drown so they could come in and take it back through gentrification. I could go on, but it doesn’t matter. People like to look for surface level excuses to evade tackling real issues at hand.

Using an awards show to make some silly played out point about music is intellectually dishonest and deflects from much more engaging conversations about the show like my next note.

2. Trey Songz should never wear shirts.

Kevin Hart did well last night, but one thing I disliked about his opening was him telling Trey Songz that he’s too scrawny to let that sweet and sour chicken recipe on his chest get a close up. Maybe some of you men and women take issue with the sexier members of Team Slim flaunting their bodies, but y’all can shut your thinphobic asses up and let the people who do dig it enjoy the view while fantasizing about digging in.

Yuuuuup.

I will join folks in wishing Trey would pretend his last album never happened and proceed to stop performing selections from it, though. Compromise.

3. Rick Ross is Fat Man Chic personified.

2Pac may not be truly back, but the Notorious B.I.G.’s summer wardrobe surely is. Was Officer Ross rocking the fashions from the “Hypnotize” video? I’m not sure, but it’s a nice look on him. He still doesn’t make my body feel anything but fear whenever I skip out on the gym on a given day . Still, one has to acknowledge that Ross’ man boobs looked better than usual in that jumpsuit.

Insert your Rick Ross grunt here. I’ve been doing it non stop for the last five days.

4. Alicia Keys needs help.

Let’s be honest: The main reason Alicia Keys is even doing this ten year tribute to an album that wasn’t that great to begin with is that she needs to remind us of why we ever gave her the time of day. Her last albums weren’t good and Mashonda had a legion of women wanting to hand her some Vaseline so she could handle that alleged homewrecker.This is all damage control.

While she gets an A for effort, Sunday night’s performance earned Alicia Please a D for, “Damn, why can’t you sing?” Bruno Mars out sang Alicia on her own song. Also, please note that Beyoncé has been singing a lot longer than Alicia has and she wasn’t doing old material during her set. Yeah, I said it.

5. Chris Brown must make Sisqo cry at night.

Not only did acrobatic Brown shimmy, shimmy, coco puff all over the damn stage last night, but he had the nerve to do it in Sisqo’s old track suit. Yeah, I know you did it in black, Chris, but I know a Dru Hill piece when I see one.

6. It ain’t her fault. Did she do that?

Speaking of tears, God bless this poor child that got booed at the awards show last night and cyber jumped by angry teenage girls after she read somebody else’s mistake on live TV. I hope BET bought her some Rihanna concert tickets or something.

7. All you bitches is they grandsons.

Anita Baker may still walk on stage as if she just threw on a dress she found out of a box marked “1988″ and fussed at her comb for 15 minutes for refusing to work with her, but she sure can sing better than most after all this time. I’d like to also congratulate Cherelle for achieving her goal of trying to look like Beyoncé’s great aunt.

As for Ms. LaBelle, all I have to say is:

8. Loosen up.

Cee-Lo’s tribute to Patti LaBelle was fun. Perhaps his outfit looked more like an homage to Liberace, but he got the wig right. The same for his key. That’s more than I can say about a certain singer who looks like her first words were, “Not the mama! Not the mama!” I mean, Marsha’s portion was cool but a few notes seemed off. Sometimes when she sings she sounds as if she’s rushing underwater to save King Triton from certain death.

I’m pretty sure KeKe Wyatt pulled out a butter knife in anger. I don’t blame her considering her rendition of “If Only You Knew” is fantastic. If KeKe couldn’t travel across state lines to take part (or they just forgot she was alive), Ledisi could’ve done double duty.  Her Teena Marie tribute was excellent.

9. Gon’, lover.

I had two prayers for Kelly Rowland: Please do a pre-recorded live vocal, please pop it like you’re worried you might not make rent on the 1st. Mission accomplished. Now, I will say that Kelly needs to learn to do her ab libs live or at least lip on cue. But, I don’t want to pick apart what is genuinely Kelly’s best solo televised solo performance. I am sure Miss Jackson is proud and Mister is wishing he didn’t tell Harpo that Celie can’t perform at the juke joint. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, watch her performance again and get into that hat. Round of applaude for Rowland.

10. You know what it is.

It says a lot that the most anticipated performance was from someone not in the building. While I actually enjoyed Beyoncé’s performance, I’m not sure it should have closed the show considering she wasn’t there. Then again, I liked Mary J. Blige’s opening so I don’t know where else they could’ve placed her. Oh well, the children of Destiny gave the best performances of the night.

In conclusion, let us pray Beyoncé is in the building next year; Alicia stops taking singing lessons from Newports; Trey Songz forever stays shirtless (and passes on pants next); Patti LaBelle never leaves; Mary J. Blige keeps that bop going; Oh and those who don’t want to see any of this next year, may they find a book to read or a new show to watch during the telecast.

There comes a point when you have to stop feeling sorry for someone and speak plainly. To wit: Britney Spears the performer sucks now and I wish the mainstream press would give up the act about her already. As soon as I heard word that she would be performing at the Billboard Music Awards, I knew how the post-show headlines would look. Bullshit headers like, ”Britney Sizzles With Rihanna on Stage.” If by sizzle you mean draw blank stares from people who can remember Britney before she succumbed to sedation, consider my eyes set ablaze.

Rihanna looked amazing as usual and sounded okay at best per usual. She still danced like she was ready for her shift at the Puss and Boots to end, but at least she sang live. And you know, at least she bothered to move her body at all. Whatever, by now we know what to expect. Loud knocks and that’s enough for me.

Still, Britney Spears made Rihanna look like Tina Turner after being hooked up to an IV of Red Bull by comparison. I like her and find her to be sweet, but seriously what is the point of Britney Spears anymore?  If you can’t dance, you should at least sing. And if you can’t swing a pillow with energy maybe it’s best you just go lay on one.

Britney made Ke$ha and her awkward p-pop look amazing by comparison. I’m still not even sure what to classify the Ultimate Warrior’s daughter as. Whatever it is, it proved itself to be more entertaining than Britney Spears — and I’ll never forgive Britney Jean for it.

Or round two.

Does Britney Spears even know who Nicki Minaj is? For a good thirty seconds during this clip, I’m convinced Britney hadn’t the slightest clue as to who that black girl with her nana’s old wig was. Bless her heart.

I salute her loyal fans still willing to shell out a lot of money in order to see their girl on stage. Couldn’t be me, though. I would pay plenty to gain access into Britney Spears’ mind while she’s on stage, though. I imagine she’s thinking about honey buns and that episode of Roseanne she’s still gotta watch on her DVR.

As for Nicki, y’all I’m a fan but I wish she’d give up the lap dancing bit already. She gives lap dances as if she’s promoting chastity. And why won’t her ass bounce? Nevermind, I already asked. She’s not a natural performer, but she’s trying. Maybe a little too much, but she will figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll take it over walking around looking lost while badly mimicking your own song.

Wait, I have to say something positive about Britney: She looked good and her hair didn’t look like it was made of discarded cat hair. There, two compliments. Watch me work.

As for the other set of performers:

1. Ne-Yo always looks like he’s performing “Smooth Criminal.” I don’t know who Khloé Kardashian’s cousin on stage with Ne-Yo The Negro and Pitbull was, but she was feeling herself.

2. Mary J. Blige’s new single is as memorable as a 2011 Britney dance move. I’m waiting to see what else she’s got.

3. Only our mamas get geeked about a Black Eyed Peas performance.

4. Cee-Lo does Liberace and Elton John better than Lady GaGa.

5. I had my TV on mute while Keith Urban performed, but I do know he’s a middle aged warning to Justin Bieber’s hair obsession.

6. Snoop would perform with a hobo under the highway if the check cleared.

7. Is Taio Cruz just Tracy Chapman after a fade and a shot to the face? For the longest time, I just assumed he was a myth. Like the Big Foot of Pop, if you will. I couldn’t name a Taio Cruz song if you paid me.

I’m sure there were some other acts who performed, but I don’t remember any of them. Chances are you don’t either. Now on to the main attraction.

Before this performance, there was no one singing and dancing at Beyoncé’s  level male or female. After watching her last night, it’s apparent that she’s only getting better. This was probably one of her best performances ever. I did see the clip of the Japanese artist the performance was inspired from. But since I didn’t hear Beyoncé say, “I originated this,” I refuse to donate a damn to talking about it any further than the end of this sentence.

That said, she deserved every amount of praise she received last night. It was also really nice to hear her publicly say the names LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson. I can’t remember the last time she has said them. I would love to see the original four and Michelle altogether. One day.

I’m particularly happy when people from Houston succeed and my favorite example of that is Beyoncé. All of her accomplishments were achieved before she turned 30. Doesn’t it just make you wanna go run a few extra laps, plug yourself into that Red Bull IV and get to working?

I cannot wait for the new album and tour.

Unlike some people, I know she’ll be giving her all.

That is, if you are to believe the self-appointed oracles of music that took to Twitter to convey the less than subtle message: “Hip-hop don’t win shit ‘cause you Negroes with an igga don’t buy music.”

The sentiment bears about as much honesty in it as the tapped down crotch of a drag queen, but what does it matter given the Grammys only handed out about 3.5 awards in what felt like a 5.5 hour-long telecast anyway?

If the National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences didn’t want to focus on who won what, why should I?

Let’s just move on from that and go straight to the performances.

The Aretha Franklin Tribute

A lot of you all are under the impression that I absolutely hate Christina Aguilera. Well, maybe I kind of do and just never wanted to admit it. I used to adore her, though, and her music. Then all of that adoration started to dwindle as the years went by and I noticed how much of a miserable, self-important jackass she appeared to be.

Despite all of this, I always kept an open mind to continue buying her music because of the voice she used to deliver it. Unfortunately, her voice has been hit or miss in recent years. Even if she didn’t flub the lines at the Super Bowl, she still sounded like Heathcliff battling hemorrhoids.

But last nite I was reminded of why I ever gave a damn about Christina Aguilera. I loved her cover of “Ain’t No Way.” She sounded absolutely beautiful. Christina Aguilera is capable of delivering some really great covers. Like her rendition of “Run To You” at the 2000 BET Awards and “I Loves You, Porgy” at a Pre-Grammy Awards special on CBS a few years back.

This is the Christina I enjoy and I’m glad she’s gone back to that. It made perfect sense for her to do “Ain’t No Way” given her song, “Impossible,” jacks from it heavily without giving partial credit. Hello, Alicia Keys.

Yes, she might have looked as if she’s been using Paula Deen’s cook book as a treasure map to find all of the weight Aretha has lost — but that’s between her and her dietitian and/or plastic surgeon.

By the way, everyone sounded great, too. Jennifer Hudson didn’t howl as long as she normally does, Martina McBride sounded lovely, and Yo-Yo Adams always brings it on home. Her subtly should be a note to singers who typically follow the “shout it out” guide to singing (two of the four performers included).

I will say, though, I wish Yolanda had performed “Call Me.” I’m pretty sure Jesus understands how amazing that song is and would’ve given her a pass the way he has with other tributes.

Lady GaGa

Full disclosure: I fucking hate “Born This Way.” Not only is it a rip-off of like three Madonna songs, it is beyond patronizing. I believe her intentions are genuine (I’ve written praise of her efforts to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), but this second tier version of “Express Yourself” that offers lines like “don’t be a drag, just be a queen” makes me consider ditching the gay community and applying for asylum inside of Rihanna.

I will say, though, that the song is less annoying live than it is on track. Still, the song sucks and will likely only help those only one Glee episode away from admitting that they masturbate to Matthew Morrison out loud.

For everyone else who is gay and doesn’t want to be a queen and dance around to disco with a glow stick stuck to their pants (take that however you want), this song probably push them four feet back in the closet.

And I still don’t get why no one told her that it’s probably not a good idea to include a term like “Orient” in a song about tolerance. I know in the end, the song is still helpful but blah all the same.

By the way, it won’t be long before Madonna and Grace Jones link up on Skype and devise a plan to take a black skillet and smash her and the egg they carted her ass to the show in.

Bruno Mars, B.O.B, Janelle Monàe

Okay, so in theory I know I’m supposed to be a fan of Bruno Mars. He has a nice voice, is a good songwriter, and can make a love song that doesn’t include any bullshit lines that point more towards materialism than actual affection. Yeah, I’m not a fan.

He’s sort of like the Tylenol PM of music to me. I think the problem is his voice is kind of soulless. It’s very clear – which makes it easy to listen to his voice and record successful pop songs, but not really feel anything he’s saying.

I’m a bit indifferent to B.O.B., but I get the appeal and he I can’t say I’ve ever heard a bad song from him. He gets two points for simply not being just another typical rapper.

Overall, I really appreciate their performance because it shows there are young people who are talented, who make music that is substantive and don’t need bullshit gimmicks to deliver a quality performance.

Of course, my favorite among the three is Janelle. I know some of you wish she’d wear her hair a different way or stop dressing like she’s ready to bring you water with lemon on command. Oh well, as long as she’s singing that strong and performing this well with music this interesting I’ll show her to her own damn table. I don’t really care what she’s wearing.

She also deserves to be much bigger than she is. I want people to catch up. This performance may have helped.

Justin Bieber feat. Jaden Smith and Usher

First, stop giving Usher scripts. Sometimes you need to be the bigger person and say, “I love you, but you deliver lines about as well as Waka Flocka scores on book reports.”

Not only that, their banter was weird. Stop it. Right now.

Second, I’m not 12 so I barely remember anything Justin Bieber actually said. I don’t think I will care until he’s officially Justin Timberlake’s replacement. Any day now, sir.

Third, I owe Jaden Smith an apology. On Twitter I asked if he started rapping three hours after seeing his sister Willow’s video. Apparently he was rapping before her. My bad, lil’ man.

I don’t remember anything he said either, but I do recall the tweets about his leopard pants.

Look, if that lil’ boy wants to dress like his middle name is Simba and his parents are fine with than then let Jaden live. I saw comments about what he and Lenny Kravitz had on and it has makes want to consider starting a charity for men who can’t fathom anything beyond the basic criteria to determine one’s manhood.

Prince wears Halle Berry’s hair better than her and your mother still wants both his dick and his stilettos. Some of you need to shut your homophobic asses the fuck up long enough to get some damn perspective. Shit.

My profanity latent-rants aside, the only other thing I have to say is Uncle Usher really needs to step it up. After watching Chris Brown shine on SNL I think it’s time R&B’s new favorite Unc realizes that same ole’ two-step from ’01 isn’t cutting it anymore. This is coming from an Usher fan.

Oh, and I never want to hear “O.M.G.” again. Ever.

Lady Antebellum

This sentence about their tribute to Teddy Pendergrass lasted longer than the actual tribute. Next.

Cee-Lo feat. Gwyneth Paltrow

He might have been dressed like an obese version of the NBC peacock, but Cee-Lo’s continues to serve as a careful reminder of howy the Atlanta music scene became so popular.

As for Gwyneth, I see what she means when she says she’s been studying Beyoncé in order to step her cookies up on stage. It worked, because she was actually kind of entertaining. Not entertaining enough to launch a music career – but fret not, I’m assuming she will anyway.

The only other note I have is for Cee-Lo: Watch your back, pimpin’. Elton John is not as forgiving to copycats as Madonna is. You’re never too old to give someone the clap back.

Katy Perry

Yeah, I turned to The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion came on when she took the stage. I just thought you should know that.

Rihanna featuring Drake

This was practically the exact same performance from the American Music Awards, only the very beginning reminded me of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s performance of “Crazy In Love” at the BET Awards. Only sadder.

However, I’m still glad Rihanna is improving. She’s no longer dancing like the stripper on the last 15 minutes of her shift. She’s now the new and still uncomfortable stripper who realizes her rent won’t kept paid if her pussy isn’t popping.

Way to go, girl. I’m rooting for you.

As for Drake, did anyone else noticed how goofy he looked grinning after grinding on Rihanna? That’s exactly what I do when a chick tries to break me off at a party. I’m grinning because despite my hips suggesting otherwise, my dick isn’t the least bit interested in this sort of extracurricular activity.

Drake shouldn’t have that same grin. And after listening to him talk about how it’s a honor to perform with his friend, whom he loves with all his heart it’s no wonder Rihanna hasn’t invited homeboy for an all access pass to her California king bed.

As for the other performances:

Either I was bored, afraid, or wishing I could be the Sandman.

Alright, folks. That’s all I got.

Until the next show….

And if you want my Grammy commentary in real time, check the Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/youngsinick.

Fortunately, up until a few days ago I had forgotten all about the Video Music Awards, which meant I didn’t even bother taking the time to feign excitement or optimism.

I will give MTV some credit – last year’s show was pretty good. It’s just too bad it’s not last year.

To that end, let me make one thing clear: This shit was awful. There were some good things – like, uh, the stage crewmembers set up – but overall it was a very dull event and I’ll likely forget most of what I’ve seen tonight six hours after this post is published.

I do have one good thing to say, though: I actually learned a few things from watching this. And when you really think about it, shouldn’t we all take comfort in the fact that I can still learn from a network that’s now known for some loudmouth dwarf named Snooki?

The answer is no, but I’m going to share my musings on this show with you anyway.

Okay kids, let’s dive in so I can off and dream about chicken wings and the death of Sallie Mae.

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1. Nicki Minaj would rather be BEP than Lil’ Kim.

Let’s get this out of the way, because I know each of you Nicki Minaj naysayers who like my work and tolerate my adoration for Head Barbz are curious to know what I made of her network debut solo performance.

Uh, does “the hell if I know” suffice as an answer? No? Ugh, fine, let me try to sort my feelings out.

I got confused about thirty seconds into Nicki’s set. She looked like a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger who stole from Pebble Flintstone’s closet. And to be a rapper, there was nothing remotely hip-hop about that performance.

I was dead silent for a good two minutes after she finished. I literally was speechless and didn’t know what to make of it. I do know I instantly started laughing mid-way, but I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing at the time.

But, after watching it some more I realize it wasn’t completely terrible. It was memorable, which I gather was the goal. It was certainly different than anything I’ve ever seen from her. Yet, I would not object if she decided to never ever do anything like that again. It was the kind of performance I would expect from a person who tapes their dick down and collects tips while covering Patti Labelle.

The thing about Nicki Minaj is she’s made it very clear that she doesn’t want to be your typical rapper. She wants to wants to crossover as much as possible .I understand that, but I think one thing many younger artists fail to understand is that you don’t have to be so pressed to assimilate.

I noticed some said that blacks “didn’t get it.” Oh, I get it. It’s just that I also get Jay-Z gets more love from non-black audiences making hood records. Meanwhile, Kanye West dabbles in everything and practically begs for the support and still doesn’t enjoy the kind of broad appeal Hov does.

That said, if this is lively, cartoonish, singing, dancing, Samurai Barbi thing is something Nicki Minaj truly wants, then okay. As of now, though, I hear “Monster” then see this and it all seems kind of schizophrenic.

I don’t mind Nicki Minaj being so fun, but I don’t know, this was a lot and I’m not convinced it’s necessary.

Is that what happens when ADD goes untreated?

If nothing else, though, she’s trying to be a better performer. And if you didn’t know it yet, for my over 25 crowd the times are a changing. That’s the future. Get with it or sob in a corner – the kiddies don’t care either way.

Sidenote: I have nothing to say about Will.I.Am. Well, nothing besides massa gon’ get him for playing in his paint.

2. Katy Perry doesn’t like to lose.

Katy Perry and Ke$ha were clearly irritated by Lady GaGa winning best person to ever live in a post-Madonna career peak world. Those two should council with all of the R&B singers not named Beyonce and start a support group.

Oh and I saw someone retweet a comment from Nivea saying Katy Perry copied her look. Nivea, you can sing, but Katy Perry doesn’t know who the fuck you are Smurfette. Besides, she’s good friends with the girl currently taking hair color cues from Big Red. What makes you think she didn’t grab a couple of Kool-Aids packs from her and got it popping? Shouldn’t you be writing apology letters to Sade for that ill-advised cover of “Stronger Than Pride” anyway?

3. Ciara will never stop.

I was recently telling myself that I was perhaps too harsh on Ciara last year. Then I watch her performance with N.E.R.D. and revisit that position.

Ciara has a great body, but seriously, why is her crotch always in my damn face?

We get it, girl. You’re a woman. The porn industry is making it known that the profits aren’t what they used to be so why aren’t artists realizing sex alone doesn’t sell?

I’m tired of the Matrix. I’m tired of seeing her crotch. I’m tired of her trying so damn hard when she really doesn’t have to. She needs a hook, not an extra Pilates class.

She looks thirsty as hell. Somebody hand her a glass of water.

4. Kim Kardashian is a fashion icon.

I like Kim Kardashian, but did anyone else hear the announcer say that and stifle laughter?

5. Jason Derulo is a real person.

I still don’t know what he looks like, but they kept repeating his name so I assume that he is an actual human being and not some tone-deaf cyborg sent to the world to do battle with my eardrums.

6. Taylor Swift is still annoying.

While as intriguing as it was to discover what country shade sounds like, I am sick and tired of Kanye West talking about this incident from last year and I am tired of Taylor Swift acting like ‘Ye played her the way we found out Bill messed over Sookie in the season finale of True Blood.

Girl, he snatched your award. Not your virginity. Shut up and move on. You, too, Kanye. I am mad you’re the one who brought the bullshit up again.

7. Chelsea Handler is a punk under pressure.

Shout out to Katey Red for inspiring this number. Anywho, Chelsea Handler is funny albeit kind of racist. And no, I’m not that sensitive about racial humor. I just think Chelsea purposely pushes for cheap jokes sometimes. She’s kind of like that cool white chick who you have occasionally say, “Alright, not too much” to prevent yourself from grabbing a bottle of Luster’s and channeling your favorite reverend with an agent but no home church.

I don’t know what Chelsea was on last night, but many of her jokes came across as dated and flat. What a pity because for those who don’t watch Chelsea Lately, they probably think she’s as funny as a boil.

8. Kanye West dresses the way I envisioned my gay uncle to have rocked it back in 1987.

I don’t think he’s gay, but it’s just an observation. He gave me gay v-neck remix of one of Richard Pryor’s old suits.

As for the performance, eh, I guess it was cool. The thing about Kanye is I like him, but sometimes he attempts at being “avant garde” come across as forced and unnecessary. I didn’t need the ballerinas. I just needed him to give me a song that made me feel so strongly about him in the first place – which he really hasn’t done thus far with the recently leaked tracks.

Last night was every 808s and Apologies.

9. Eminem needs to lose his plastic surgeon’s number.

His face looks as snatched as Cher’s ass last night. He looks more like Lori Petty than Lori Petty does. That ain’t it, homie. Also, I stopped caring about Eminem several years ago. I’m glad he’s happy and relevant to some, but all of his recent songs sound formulaic as hell.

10. Drake’s body should be jealous of his right hand.

It’s seriously the only entertaining part of his body. I like Drake in my head phones, I don’t really like him on my television screen. I see he’s trying to improve but overall he’s a rather lackluster live performer. Thank God Mary J. Blige decided to be Beyonce in Drake and Swizz Beatz interpretation of DC3.

Oh and Drake, man you ain’t Frank Sinatra. What is it with Black people forever jocking The Rat Pack and/or the Italian mob? Ya’ll too good to be a fake ass Billy Dee Williams?

11. Lady GaGa embraces the cliché.

The pre-show was about Nicki Minaj, everything else was about Stefani.

She definitely deserved every award she got, but I can’t take GaGa seriously when she talks about [now] being one of the “cool kids” given she was popular at her wealthy and well-to-do Upper East Side high school. The thing about GaGa is that for all of her talent, she’s transparent as hell.

She says she’s broke because that’s what pop stars say. She says she was uncool because that’s the common narrative among many famous entertainers. She cries because well, that’s what a lot of them do, too.
I truly appreciate her and her contributions to contemporary music, but she is a manufactured personality. But, then again, most pop stars are and if it’s her actually pulling the strings – which I think it is – then I guess it’s fine. For me, though, when you know someone is telling you what they think you want to hear, it can sometimes teeter on patronizing.

While I think GaGa is an amazing talent and one of the best things to hit pop music in an extremely long time, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if one of her previous stabs at a successful music career would’ve worked out. You know, like that Norah Jones thing she was on a few years ago. If that stuck, would she be hugging her piano tight in a potato sack instead of dressing up like an Apache drag queen?

I can’t see Madonna being any other variation of herself as an artist than what she is now, but with GaGa, sometimes I think she’s just clever enough to realize what did work for – thus allowing it to consume her for the greater good of fame. Sort of like Nicki Minaj. I don’t actually think that’s a bad thing per se, but it’s a wee bit cynical – if true, anyway.

Still, predictable or not, Lady GaGa still far more talented and interesting than then three other actual celebrities who bothered to show up to the arena this year. And I’m buying her album when it drops so she wins.

As for this show, not so much.

P.S. There’s a place in my heart that holds a special resent for all of you that have made these people on Jersey Shore bigger stars on a music channel than actual musicians.

Edit: Oops, I forgot about Uncle Usher’s performance. Well, that basically sums up my feelings about it, now doesn’t it? He doesn’t seem to care as much as he used to. It’s kind of sad he’s still able to do well half-assing it, but oh well most seemed to love his tribute to 2008 stage set ups so different strokes. Meanwhile, I’ll continue clinging to the old days when the choreography was fresher and Tameka Raymond dressed him.

I don’t think Mo’Nique ever had a problem with being honored by the Academy. It seemed to be more of an issue of whether or not she would bend over backwards to be honored for something she felt should be solely based on merit. She chose not to and based on her comments in recent and not so recent interviews, she’s admittedly about the bottom line. To some people you have to give a little to get more in the long run. To others they want all that you can give them from the jump.

As I contemplate driving up the block, turning on “Toss It Up,” and pop-pop-pop that thang for student loan cash, I can’t be mad at those who select the latter in hindsight.

She made her intentions clear and in the end she won anyway. Good for her. I’ve noticed some people argue against her politics comment during her acceptance speech and have sought to flip her words into something that more so mirrors their intentions. I think what she meant was some people – white film critics – called for her to be put in her place.

Most notably Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere, who previously wrote, ”Deny her a nomination and teach her a lesson.”

Call it racist. Call it classist. Call it neither. Call it whatever you want, but know that’s exactly the sort of “politics” Mo’Nique was talking about.

This is evident by her breaking protocol last night inside of the Oscar press room by choosing to speak with people who she said had her back from the very beginning. I don’t fall into the theory that her “non-campaign” was her method of campaigning. I believe there was so much spin on it because the establishment was baffled that she openly boasted about not caving into what they wanted from her. Everyone else but her made it an issue.

I didn’t really think it was necessary to demand $100,000 for an appearance but as of March 08, 2010 Mo’Nique’s money runs marathons around mine…and most of the people who talked about her.

So bravo to her and I’m happy that she won.

One thing I’m not happy about, though, is a sentiment I read on Twitter yesterday. I’m paraphrasing but in short, someone spoke ill of Mo’Nique’s kind words towards Hattie McDaniel by jesting that she’s thanking a woman who played a maid so she could play an abusive mother.

To that I say: Shut your silly, bougie, ridiculous ass the hell up.

Moreover, see Hattie McDaniel’s own words to the NAACP in response to their criticism at the time: “I would rather make 700 dollars a week playing a maid than seven dollars being one.”

Hattie McDaniel did the best she could with what she was given. I don’t think it’s right to disparage her for it.

That said, I do get why some people feel the way they do about Mo’Nique and Sandra Bullock winning.

I wrote about The Blind Side previously based on the trailer and now that I’ve actually seen the film my feelings are not all that different.

But, I’m personally not mad at Sandra Bullock winning. I like her. Does that take the sting away from the film? No, however, the movie does pull from a true story. Did the screenwriter and director perhaps take away some of the nuance from the book? It seems that way, but I’d have to read it to know. I can only speak on what I’ve seen or read. Imagine that.

Had Avatar won Best Picture, while I would’ve potentially gritted my teeth, I’d understand why the movie would have won. It’s a technological feat and as the highest grossing movie of all-time (thanks, inflation) it’s a cultural movement that cannot be denied — no matter how anyone feels about its script.

Yes, it’s very much Dances With Blue People. Or Smurfs Save The Day. Pocahontas With Freestyle Braids, for sure. And there’s definitely quite a few underlying racial overtones that made me want to call one of my homegirls to whoop Sigourney Weaver’s Blue Bo Derek looking ass in the film out of spite.

Yet sigh, the movie made a lot of money and people like pretty stuff with happy endings. It wouldn’t have been shocking if it won.

It’s an unfortunate reality that despite all the time that has passed white audiences still like to honor us for the best portrayal of our worst, but it’s even more unfortunate to me that some people can’t ever see a silver lining.

Last night the first female director won an Academy Award for Best Director and Best Picture over a monstrous film with a huge name attached to it. And although he didn’t win last night, Lee Daniels is the second black film director to be nominated for Best Director. Chances are he’ll likely be back in contention for that award for the upcoming film, Selma. As will Mo’Nique if her plans to develop a biopic on Hattie McDaniel come to fruition.

As a writer, I take great comfort in Geoffrey Fletcher becoming the first black screenwriter to be honored by the Academy. Also feel inspired by Mark Boal’s win as he’s a freelance journalist and the script for The Hurt Locker was his first. My dream is to one day follow in their footsteps.

Some of these movies employed themes and imagery that could stand to take a beat seat for a couple of decades, but Fresh reminded me this morning that I’ve seen far worse:

Gabby Sidibe didn’t back hand a hoe last night while on stage. Be grateful.

If I sound a bit hypocritical, I can’t help it. I do get some of the criticism and I’m guilty of leveling some of it myself; but, last night I didn’t want to completely dwell on any of it.

No, everything is not perfect for minorities and women, but little by little progress has been made. I’d rather focus on that than on something I won’t be able to change. Not today anyway.

Rihanna has a history of performing at the same energy level as a sedated Britney Spears. But, to her credit I think she’s trying to do better as evidenced by this performance at the Echo Awards. Has she completely succeeded yet? No, not really, but in this instance I think we should give her an A for effort. If an A is too much, just don’t give her a D for deportation.

Before your eyes shift sideways, let me make my case.

Look at how she opens the performance. She’s actually moving, ya’ll. Like, not just her lips but her actual body. Granted, she’s bending over and busting it open for a Transformer, but I’m sure Jimmy Neutron is somewhere smiling because of it. She gave robot boy hope and potentially a hard on, folks. Does that count for something?

More times than not Rihanna simply stands there, looks pretty, and tries her best to sweep you off your feet with her vocals. This time she’s trying to shake a tail feather and those bad nerves that used to shake her. How ’bout a round of applause?

I didn’t mention it when it dropped, but I love her video for “Rude Boy.” So much that there’s one move I already hope to duplicate in the club soon. I get that most of her videos are going to be nothing more than self-indulgent odes to how sexy and well-styled she is, but at least in videos like “Rude Boy” she can also show off her playful side in addition to all of the ass and tags present.

I mean, I dig the Elvira meets Elkeisha angle she has going to push Rated R — so much that I scooped her album for .99 cents when it was on sale (I bought the one that dropped before that for full retail price, so there). Unfortunately, others chose to use that money for their value menu selection at their fast food restaurant of choice. That’s probably why Def Jam has seen the quick success of this song and has already started writing the narrative that her next album (which will likely drop in three days) will be more upbeat and fun.

And if that truly is the case it’s good that she’s trying to step it up as a performer. I’m sure an employer waving your work visa in front of you will motivate anyone to get on the job training.

Just so we’re clear I’m not saying this performance is the greatest thing ever. It is an improvement, though.

Look at where she used to be:

This sounds like her introduction ceremony into the Illuminati. Her voice is doing the ratchet throughout the entire performance. If nothing else I said was convincing, do we finally have an understanding now?

I don’t think I’ve ever said this on the site, but I do like the idea of Rihanna and I appreciate what she offers musically and aesthetically as it relates to what it means to be a pop star. She’s necessary because she has that sort of polish even some of my favorites don’t have.

I just wish she had the other important element of being a pop star — performance skills. But, she’s trying. I have to keep saying that to myself.

I genuinely hope she starts watching MC Hammer and Madonna clips to boost up her stage act. She looks like she’s actually having fun on stage in this clip. If she could get the audience to join in on the fun more often she’d be a lot better off professionally.

With that said, do you all think I’m caught in the wave of Rihanna or maybe, just maybe the girl really is improving?

Interesting enough to get me to break down the three or 15 hour broadcast? Not even, but I can break it down in ten.

And we’re off:

1. Beyonce is everything, deal with it.

Truthfully, I would have never guessed “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” would net a songwriting award let alone the biggest one of the night. But it did, which just goes to show you how effective both a video and a catchy hook can be. And that Beyonce is respected.

As far as Beyonce’s performance goes, she sounded great and I appreciate her hiring Blackwater troops to back her up for the performance. Better them in LA than Iraq. I’m a bit surprised she worked in the Alanis Morrisette cover from her tour into the act, but she can do whatever she wants. She obviously wants to sing angrier songs sometimes. Why didn’t ya’ll let “Ring The Alarm” be great?

I get a lot of flak from the more sanity-deficient members of B-Unit for not drinking her bath water all the time, but I’m elated the girl scored Best Pop Vocal Category (quite the cue for a black girl) and made Grammy history last night with her six wins.

I know Beyonce still seems to bring out the insecure high school girl in many people, but if the thought of Beyonce winning so much pisses you off to that great extent, grab an ice tray and hit yourself with it.

…now cool off, cool off.

2. Pink and her husband are jackasses.

Here’s Mr. Pink on how to properly convey that you’re jealous and bitter:

The demanding stunt did not impede her singing, she said, adding, “No one ever has another excuse to lip-sync.”

With her tour over, Pink said, “I’m going to go home and cook and get fat.”

Hubby Carey Hart, meanwhile was quick to chime in with a few words of support via Twitter. “Though Pink wasn’t the big winner tonight, she stole the f*ckin’ show! 150 dancers don’t compare to her alone on the stage. Ask the crowd.”

He later added: “Pink, you were amazing, and EVERYONE knows it. No gimmicks [sic], just talent. I love you baby.”

I prefer Pink when she was singing Linda Perry’s life story, but she obviously still knows how to churn out a hit. That said, while I appreciate her trying to be different than her peers I hate the condescending attitude she has towards them.
For her and her husband’s information, giving yourself a bath in a leotard before you swing around an arena like an extra from Cirque du Soleil is just as gimmicky as hiring a bunch of background people for your performance.

Not to mention her incessant need to remind us that she’s completely antithetical to the cookie cutter pop stars of the world makes her seem just as contrived as the people she constantly lashes out at.

From Britney Spears calling her out for sending her flowers one day and thrashing her the very next years back to the way she made it seem as though Kanye West skinned her damned puppy with his bare hands in front of her – Pink can be really bitchy at times.

She sounded good last night and her performance was fine, but just so we’re clear Beyonce sings circles around Pink. Homecoming is over, Pink. You lost. Accept it and move on.

3. It was good to see Rihanna on stage accepting an award.

Last year was Rihanna’s year and it’s sad it was taken away from her. Fortunately, while this year wasn’t as big for her as last year it was good to see her back a year later in good spirits.

See how nice I sound? And I bet you were expecting me to throw an eclipse her way.

4.  Michael Jackson Can Outsing You Dead

The tribute was nice and Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson sounded lovely, but that performance reminded me of just how good a vocalist Michael was. I was never a huge fan of “Earth Song,” but he sounds amazing on it. Bless Usher’s heart for trying to hit those high notes.

When he got down to the ground as if he was doing something in my mind I imagined that was simply Michael kicking him.

I still felt it, though.

5. Leave Disabled People Alone

I am still confused by Jamie Foxx’s performance last night, but I do know talking about people with disabilities is not the business. It’s actually a good way to get a stamp and wrist band for the VIP section of Club Eighth Circle. That’s the hottest spot in Downtown Hell for those who aren’t up on game.

6. I Appreciate Country Music Artists

They provide great bathroom breaks.

7. The Grammys still don’t respect hip-hop.

No offense to Stephen Colbert, whom I love, but best comedy album can be presented on-air (which is very rare), but best rap album can’t?

As for Drake/Eminem/Lil’ Wayne’s performance, it could best be described with three words: Beep, beep, beep.

Damn, FCC. Why so serious?

8. Ciara is relentless.

I see this girl will not rest until everyone calls her a fashion icon and sex symbol. Can someone hurry up and tell a white lie so she can go back to doing what made her popular?

9. Lady GaGa was wronged.

Not robbed because she did kick off the show with her long lost aunt and did win two hours, but I didn’t like the fact that GaGa didn’t accept an award on television. She was a main draw to the show so I think it made sense for them to make sure she’d get a chance to win something while the show was airing. They’ve done it countless times in recent years so why not do it for her?

Sidenote:

I loved her showing up to the show as Judy Jetson. Look and learn, Ciara.

10. Taylor Swift wants your award…and will get it.

How in the hell did she win Album of the Year? Better yet, how sad is it that they kick off the presentation of the award noting that ten years prior Carlos Santana won the same award ten years prior before handing it to Taylor Swift?

That girl is nice (although I’m over the whole “I’m so shocked I’m still winning every damn award” thing), but I’m just surprised that she’s managed to become as much a critical success as a commercial one.

Before you even say it again, I don’t think Kanye has much to do with it. Yes, he got a large percentage of black people to learn her name and the sympathy of people with every other hue, but she was already slaying the competition in sales so that can’t be it.

You all are so fixated on Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Rihanna kicking it with the demon down under that you might have missed out on the real conspiracy.

That’s why no matter how many times she calls it the “most personal album she’s ever done,” I Am…Sasha Fierce is nothing more than a continuation of the same format used to create her solid debut album and even stronger sophomore offering. Try as she might to parade her catchy and often clever songs as something innovative, her sound is usually a representation of what’s hot at the time – only executed better.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but the methodology won’t get Beyonce the respect she wants. Neither will it make the schmaltzy acoustic-driven ballads found on the first half of her double concept album seem any less impersonal than they are.

And last night I find out she nets an Album of the Year nomination for my least favorite album of her collection. Along with nods for Record and Song of the Year, therein getting the respect she wants.

She told me.

Let me just admit this now so I might be spared from the wrath of stans and the poisons that come with a root box: I was wrong. I will recite the lyrics to “Ave Maria” three times as soon as I learn them, and order up a chicken strips combo and order of onion rings from Popeye’s in penance.

If you don’t know how serious B-Unit is, see below:

I don’t need my baby picture inserted into car that blows up in the “Crazy In Love” video, ya’ll.

I can’t say that I’m completely surprised by the nomination. Although the album isn’t my favorite (I prefer she sings with soul), the album has just enough vanilla to appease widespread audiences. She knew what she was doing when she split the record in half and pushed the songs with obvious more potential to crossover. So, I’m not mad, but I’m betting Alicia Keys might be given she employed the exact same strategy with As I Am…which I hated to the core.

Oh well.

My only worry is that this will only encourage R&B singers to make everything but R&B music. Hopefully Maxwell’s multiple nominations (including one for Record of the Year) will remind people that if you want to do R&B music, you can do so and still sell and be recognized for your work. Likewise, I think the success of Rihanna’s of the world prove that being black shouldn’t limit you to R&B, which is not what I’ve advocating in this post.

I don’t mind singers exploring different avenues. I think Rihanna’s voice fits perfect for pop. Alicia Keys pretending to be singing U2’s B-sides not so much.

I get the feeling many people feel that if they sound like they have too much color they’ll miss out on a certain level of success. That in turn leads to people recording music more inspired by focus groups than genuine interest in a given genre. I just hope Beyonce’s success doesn’t encourage a bunch of singers who don’t sound good singing pop doing so in order to “crossover.”

Like Melanie Fiona and Jazmine Sullivan. Two great soul singers who squandered an opportunity to build on the audience that actually likes them with genre-leaping selections on their respective debut albums. Jumping from sound to sound isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes it just makes you the listener confused and ultimately, uninterested.

That said, as a stan I’m still inclined to go:

And say yay, Beyonce for getting so many nominations.

But do I still like the album?

I mean, it’s alright though I still find it to be a bit too bland for my liking. I know some of you might assume based on some of the songs I’ve highlighted that I only listen to music that’s fit for a room with a cover charge, but if that were true I’d probably talk like Lil’ Boosie or somebody. You’ve seen the video blog. I don’t do, I? C’mon nah. I can read. I can’t always be jiggin’ to ignness.

In fact I’d likely quit life if a song like “That Obama” were ever recognized by Grammy voters.

As for Beyonce, I’m still waiting for that soul album she promised, but I imagine I won’t get it until she’s sharing diet tips with Chaka Khan.

I’ll keep holding out hope, though, and in the meantime, let Beyonce pimp these folks with her well executed foray into the world of schmaltzy music. I just won’t necessarily enjoy it.

Now about those snubs, to Whitney, Kanye, Ryan Leslie, and Dream, I’ll let ya’ll good folks speak on it in the comments.

1. Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em

Although she hadn’t danced that hard since the Wayans family signed her checks, J.Lo busting her ass while performing a song rejected by Brandy is a sign that maybe it’s time to for her to reconnect with the film world. She’s still in shape, she can still dance, but really, “I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS. I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS.” I vote no, and apparently so did the shoe that led to her falling on her ass.

P.S. Dear broadcasters, there is no point in trying to edit things out when in the world of instant YouTube recap videos.

2. Some People Will Never Have It

I swear you could bring out Jesus to cover Chris Brown’s portion of the “Umbrella” remix and Rihanna would still find a way to kill the excitement of the performance. To her credit, on the new album she sings with more confidence and judging by her stage attire is still very confident with herself aesthetically. But unless you’re on a pole, in some editorial pages or someone’s bed chances aesthetic beauty only entertains for so much. There are slight improvements, but just not enough yet. It’s been years now. The songs are there but memorable performances are not. When is she going to step it up?

3. You Don’t Have To Sell Ass To Get Asses Out of Seats

Mary J. Blige has never sounded better and she didn’t need all of the theatrics to give a decent performance.

4. But Don’t Trip, If You Shake Ass Correctly It Still Works

I know Damita Jo is in her 40s and last nite’s performance doesn’t move you the way she did a decade prior, but she still did alright and she’s still embarrassing people twenty years her junior. I don’t know if I should be proud about that or start planning a vigil for the recording industry. Better yet, I might just pray for Janet. I know she’s tired of performing these same set of songs. I didn’t need to watch eight minutes of hits to know she hasn’t had a hit in eight years.

5. If You Can’t Dance, Don’t…Please

This means you, Alicia Keys. I don’t know why she’s so adamant about two-stepping and body rolling. She’s not particularly good at either. I’m not even saying that to be mean (no really, not this time). I just don’t find it necessary to see Alicia and her girls dancing like Ciara on a brick wall to a ballad. Hasn’t Mashonda suffered enough?

6. Crazy People Rule The World

Lady GaGa may seem like the type to use WiteOut as her own personal hot sauce, but as long as she can sing and entertain, happy sniffing.

7. Black People, Like White People, Need To Get Over Themselves

I get irritated as hell when those from paler pastures act as if no person exists until they realize who they are. Likewise, I’on particularly care for it when my cousins in colored do the same thing. As for Taylor Swift winning Artist of The Year, yeah, I wouldn’t have given it to her either but based on all that she’s accomplished this year it makes sense. I first learned about Taylor because I wanted to know who the hell was this random girl outselling Beyonce and Britney last year. Then I figured out that she was some teen country star who basically makes more money in an hour than I doall year (for now anyway).

Kanye West brought her to you all’s attention, but look at it like this: Why did Kanye get mad again? Because he beat out Beyonce for an award. The VMAs, like the AMAs, are now voter driven so evidently, plenty of people already knew she was alive.

And with respect to Michael Jackson, what new album did he come out with this year again? I’m not even sure he would want all of these posthumous awards if they weren’t related to  new product.

8. Actually, Some Gimmicks Do Get Old

We get it, Hov. We really do.

9. As You Get Older, You Start Becoming Confused

What is a Glorina? When did Shakira become the Columbian Creole? And as far as Adam Lambert goes: Why?

10. Most Artists Really Suck Now

I think I answered my own question as to why Michael Jackson got nominated for artist of the year.

Now if you want a more detailed recap of the show, check my Twitter timeline. Make note of the contributions from Mama Sinick.