The 2010 Grammys In 10

I never get why people insist on repeating every year that the Grammy Awards are boring. That information is about as new as the second letter of the alphabet. Having said that, for a show known for putting people with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder into a mental coma I’d say this year’s Grammys wasn’t all that bad.

Interesting enough to get me to break down the three or 15 hour broadcast? Not even, but I can break it down in ten.

And we’re off:

1. Beyonce is everything, deal with it.

Truthfully, I would have never guessed “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” would net a songwriting award let alone the biggest one of the night. But it did, which just goes to show you how effective both a video and a catchy hook can be. And that Beyonce is respected.

As far as Beyonce’s performance goes, she sounded great and I appreciate her hiring Blackwater troops to back her up for the performance. Better them in LA than Iraq. I’m a bit surprised she worked in the Alanis Morrisette cover from her tour into the act, but she can do whatever she wants. She obviously wants to sing angrier songs sometimes. Why didn’t ya’ll let “Ring The Alarm” be great?

I get a lot of flak from the more sanity-deficient members of B-Unit for not drinking her bath water all the time, but I’m elated the girl scored Best Pop Vocal Category (quite the cue for a black girl) and made Grammy history last night with her six wins.

I know Beyonce still seems to bring out the insecure high school girl in many people, but if the thought of Beyonce winning so much pisses you off to that great extent, grab an ice tray and hit yourself with it.

…now cool off, cool off.

2. Pink and her husband are jackasses.

Here’s Mr. Pink on how to properly convey that you’re jealous and bitter:

The demanding stunt did not impede her singing, she said, adding, “No one ever has another excuse to lip-sync.”

With her tour over, Pink said, “I’m going to go home and cook and get fat.”

Hubby Carey Hart, meanwhile was quick to chime in with a few words of support via Twitter. “Though Pink wasn’t the big winner tonight, she stole the f*ckin’ show! 150 dancers don’t compare to her alone on the stage. Ask the crowd.”

He later added: “Pink, you were amazing, and EVERYONE knows it. No gimmicks [sic], just talent. I love you baby.”

I prefer Pink when she was singing Linda Perry’s life story, but she obviously still knows how to churn out a hit. That said, while I appreciate her trying to be different than her peers I hate the condescending attitude she has towards them.
For her and her husband’s information, giving yourself a bath in a leotard before you swing around an arena like an extra from Cirque du Soleil is just as gimmicky as hiring a bunch of background people for your performance.

Not to mention her incessant need to remind us that she’s completely antithetical to the cookie cutter pop stars of the world makes her seem just as contrived as the people she constantly lashes out at.

From Britney Spears calling her out for sending her flowers one day and thrashing her the very next years back to the way she made it seem as though Kanye West skinned her damned puppy with his bare hands in front of her – Pink can be really bitchy at times.

She sounded good last night and her performance was fine, but just so we’re clear Beyonce sings circles around Pink. Homecoming is over, Pink. You lost. Accept it and move on.

3. It was good to see Rihanna on stage accepting an award.

Last year was Rihanna’s year and it’s sad it was taken away from her. Fortunately, while this year wasn’t as big for her as last year it was good to see her back a year later in good spirits.

See how nice I sound? And I bet you were expecting me to throw an eclipse her way.

4.  Michael Jackson Can Outsing You Dead

The tribute was nice and Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson sounded lovely, but that performance reminded me of just how good a vocalist Michael was. I was never a huge fan of “Earth Song,” but he sounds amazing on it. Bless Usher’s heart for trying to hit those high notes.

When he got down to the ground as if he was doing something in my mind I imagined that was simply Michael kicking him.

I still felt it, though.

5. Leave Disabled People Alone

I am still confused by Jamie Foxx’s performance last night, but I do know talking about people with disabilities is not the business. It’s actually a good way to get a stamp and wrist band for the VIP section of Club Eighth Circle. That’s the hottest spot in Downtown Hell for those who aren’t up on game.

6. I Appreciate Country Music Artists

They provide great bathroom breaks.

7. The Grammys still don’t respect hip-hop.

No offense to Stephen Colbert, whom I love, but best comedy album can be presented on-air (which is very rare), but best rap album can’t?

As for Drake/Eminem/Lil’ Wayne’s performance, it could best be described with three words: Beep, beep, beep.

Damn, FCC. Why so serious?

8. Ciara is relentless.

I see this girl will not rest until everyone calls her a fashion icon and sex symbol. Can someone hurry up and tell a white lie so she can go back to doing what made her popular?

9. Lady GaGa was wronged.

Not robbed because she did kick off the show with her long lost aunt and did win two hours, but I didn’t like the fact that GaGa didn’t accept an award on television. She was a main draw to the show so I think it made sense for them to make sure she’d get a chance to win something while the show was airing. They’ve done it countless times in recent years so why not do it for her?

Sidenote:

I loved her showing up to the show as Judy Jetson. Look and learn, Ciara.

10. Taylor Swift wants your award…and will get it.

How in the hell did she win Album of the Year? Better yet, how sad is it that they kick off the presentation of the award noting that ten years prior Carlos Santana won the same award ten years prior before handing it to Taylor Swift?

That girl is nice (although I’m over the whole “I’m so shocked I’m still winning every damn award” thing), but I’m just surprised that she’s managed to become as much a critical success as a commercial one.

Before you even say it again, I don’t think Kanye has much to do with it. Yes, he got a large percentage of black people to learn her name and the sympathy of people with every other hue, but she was already slaying the competition in sales so that can’t be it.

You all are so fixated on Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Rihanna kicking it with the demon down under that you might have missed out on the real conspiracy.

Beyonce Beat Me

When I wrote my review for I Am…Sasha Fierce, I pointed out how skeptical I was about Beyonce’s sincerity over how much she really opened up with her third solo offering, writing:

That’s why no matter how many times she calls it the “most personal album she’s ever done,” I Am…Sasha Fierce is nothing more than a continuation of the same format used to create her solid debut album and even stronger sophomore offering. Try as she might to parade her catchy and often clever songs as something innovative, her sound is usually a representation of what’s hot at the time – only executed better.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but the methodology won’t get Beyonce the respect she wants. Neither will it make the schmaltzy acoustic-driven ballads found on the first half of her double concept album seem any less impersonal than they are.

And last night I find out she nets an Album of the Year nomination for my least favorite album of her collection. Along with nods for Record and Song of the Year, therein getting the respect she wants.

She told me.

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The American Music Awards In 10

I anticipated the American Music Awards to be an entertaining show given the lengthy list of performers. But, anyone who’s been watching award shoes all decade should know that’s usually nothing more than a set up. Most award shows that don’t feature a performance from Queen Creole usually suck. That’s  my story and I’m sticking to it. Still, you can learn a few lessons from last nite’s show…and I’d much rather focus on those than write about every single boring performance shown last nite.

1. Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em

Although she hadn’t danced that hard since the Wayans family signed her checks, J.Lo busting her ass while performing a song rejected by Brandy is a sign that maybe it’s time to for her to reconnect with the film world. She’s still in shape, she can still dance, but really, “I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS. I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS.” I vote no, and apparently so did the shoe that led to her falling on her ass.

P.S. Dear broadcasters, there is no point in trying to edit things out when in the world of instant YouTube recap videos.

2. Some People Will Never Have It

I swear you could bring out Jesus to cover Chris Brown’s portion of the “Umbrella” remix and Rihanna would still find a way to kill the excitement of the performance. To her credit, on the new album she sings with more confidence and judging by her stage attire is still very confident with herself aesthetically. But unless you’re on a pole, in some editorial pages or someone’s bed chances aesthetic beauty only entertains for so much. There are slight improvements, but just not enough yet. It’s been years now. The songs are there but memorable performances are not. When is she going to step it up?

3. You Don’t Have To Sell Ass To Get Asses Out of Seats

Mary J. Blige has never sounded better and she didn’t need all of the theatrics to give a decent performance.

4. But Don’t Trip, If You Shake Ass Correctly It Still Works

I know Damita Jo is in her 40s and last nite’s performance doesn’t move you the way she did a decade prior, but she still did alright and she’s still embarrassing people twenty years her junior. I don’t know if I should be proud about that or start planning a vigil for the recording industry. Better yet, I might just pray for Janet. I know she’s tired of performing these same set of songs. I didn’t need to watch eight minutes of hits to know she hasn’t had a hit in eight years.

5. If You Can’t Dance, Don’t…Please

This means you, Alicia Keys. I don’t know why she’s so adamant about two-stepping and body rolling. She’s not particularly good at either. I’m not even saying that to be mean (no really, not this time). I just don’t find it necessary to see Alicia and her girls dancing like Ciara on a brick wall to a ballad. Hasn’t Mashonda suffered enough?

6. Crazy People Rule The World

Lady GaGa may seem like the type to use WiteOut as her own personal hot sauce, but as long as she can sing and entertain, happy sniffing.

7. Black People, Like White People, Need To Get Over Themselves

I get irritated as hell when those from paler pastures act as if no person exists until they realize who they are. Likewise, I’on particularly care for it when my cousins in colored do the same thing. As for Taylor Swift winning Artist of The Year, yeah, I wouldn’t have given it to her either but based on all that she’s accomplished this year it makes sense. I first learned about Taylor because I wanted to know who the hell was this random girl outselling Beyonce and Britney last year. Then I figured out that she was some teen country star who basically makes more money in an hour than I doall year (for now anyway).

Kanye West brought her to you all’s attention, but look at it like this: Why did Kanye get mad again? Because he beat out Beyonce for an award. The VMAs, like the AMAs, are now voter driven so evidently, plenty of people already knew she was alive.

And with respect to Michael Jackson, what new album did he come out with this year again? I’m not even sure he would want all of these posthumous awards if they weren’t related to  new product.

8. Actually, Some Gimmicks Do Get Old


We get it, Hov. We really do.

9. As You Get Older, You Start Becoming Confused

What is a Glorina? When did Shakira become the Columbian Creole? And as far as Adam Lambert goes: Why?

10. Most Artists Really Suck Now

I think I answered my own question as to why Michael Jackson got nominated for artist of the year.

Now if you want a more detailed recap of the show, check my Twitter timeline. Make note of the contributions from Mama Sinick.

WHY WON’T YOU LET THE VMAS BE GREAT?!

I feel bad for Janet. I can only imagine how many catfish po’boys one of my favorite people in the world passed on just to get close to her normal fighting weight in time to pay tribute to her brother. Yet despite as great a job as she did in honoring the King of Pop she’s since been overshadowed by the Queen of Copping An Attitude.

Do I even have to write yet another soliloquy on why Kanye ain’t shit for pulling this stunt? Like I tweeted yesterday, ya’ll know how queens get about Beyonce. But let this be a lesson to you:

Brown will cause folks to frown. If I were Diddy, last nite I would’ve got on stage and told folks that’s why ya’ll shouldn’t drink brown liquor as I held a bottle of Ciroc close to my heart.


Though the apology has since been taken down, at least he was quick to acknowledge his wrongdoing. Still, this really didn’t change my point of view about him because of this statement:
“I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL.”

And in turn a bunch of his stans/enablers respond with, “He just said what we all were thinking.”

So? That doesn’t mean we should jump on stage and steal someone’s moment away when we feel a certain way about it. A teenager’s moment at that.

I’m really tired of people who feel they can excuse their antics by claiming to be overcome with emotion. If you have that great a problem containing yourself it’s time to look into seeking professional help. Seriously. Get a hug, get some God, get a prescription — whatever you think will prevent you from looking like an erratic jackass.

‘Ye’s second apology is much better:

I feel like Ben Stiller in “Meet the Parents” when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave… That was Taylor’s moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry.

This guy is a character. But, he did say he was a pop culture enthusiast, so I’ll let him be great…even though he couldn’t afford Taylor that same luxury. Shade.


Speaking of shade, didn’t Lil’ Mama scold that tranny on Dance Bitch Dance (I don’t remember the name of the show, sorry) for not being lady like? What’s lady like about hopping on stage during someone else’s performance like you belong?

This is probably why Bow Wow’s parents left his long lost twin sister on that stoop in Brooklyn (ya’ll can’t convince me those two aren’t related or the same person).

Now on to the people who didn’t embarrass anyone.

That is, at least not for pulling any dumb moves on stage. Look, I’m not here to try and justify Lady GaGa killing a vulture and demanding that her stylist put it around her neck so wouldn’t be able to move it until the next outfit change. Say what you want about her choices in fashion, but the woman can perform.

She is by far the most interesting pop start to come since Madonna. This is exactly why I blogged about her. She’s refreshing. She might dress up as a pre-op tranny in a cat suit at the next big award show, but as long as she’s singing, dancing, and offering an elaborate stage set up such as the one last nite I’ll hand her my pair of socks.

That blood flowing from GaGa can either represent the death of Christina Aguilera’s career or my interest in Britney Spears as a performer. Your choice.


As usual Beyonce killed it. I don’t care if this is the millionth + seven time Beyonce has performed “Single Ladies.” She continually puts her all into her stage act and is by far the best entertainer of the year. And her performance was recession-friendly. No major theatrics, no fireworks — just hot choreography, a great face, and lots of energy.

I’m also thrilled that she continues to dispel the myth that she is the biggest bitch on Earth. I don’t know why people continue to project their own insecurities onto her, but Beyonce constantly reminds people that she is a class act. It’s becoming less common for videos to make a fuss in pop culture, so for “Singles Ladies” to dominate the way it did it’s only right Beyonce be awarded Video of the Year.

Earlier in the night Beyonce said if she wanted any award it was that so for her to give up her time to let Taylor have her moment says a lot.

And if you don’t like well, here you go.

Before we close it out:

Perez has some nerve. He spends day after day throwing salt on Beyonce’s name, yet here he is in his mama’s old curtains grinning like a fool when in front of her.

Where is that Tyra Banks episode of her wearing her real hair when you need? I thought this girl was making Euros now? That’s OK, Kelly. I love you…even if your weave lady doesn’t.

I know a Selena sequel is out of the question, but what will it take to get her back to the J.Lo of 2001?

Joe Joe, who this woman?

I initially thought Madonna’s intro was a little self-indulgent, but I was honestly paying too close attention to the Tweets. Upon looking it over again, I enjoyed it and I appreciated her sharing something so personal. One thing threw me off upon the second viewing:

Yikes. I don’t mind her dressing like an extra on True Blood, because all black fits the occasion, but what’s good with her hands? Those are the hands of a woman who helped built the Arc. It’s Madonna, though, so I suppose I’ll let it slide and look away…fast.

All and all this was the best VMAs in years. I’m not sure if they’ll be able to top this considering I didn’t know who in the hell half the people nominated for VMAs were and I doubt MTV did either. But let’s give them credit where credit is due.

Now let me stop typing before Lil’ Mama shows up in my room and hops on my keyboard.

The Ciroc Awards

Just a few observations about the BET Awards:

D.L. Hughley was about as funny as constipation last nite. He had a few moments, but overall it was like his old shtick from a decade old edition of Comic View only not as good. But hey, if he’s still getting hosting gigs, he must be doing something right. That or Mo’Nique asked for a break.
Also not funny was the award show banter — minus Niecy Nash, of course.

Where were all the winners? For the few awards they actually handed out at the BET Concert Awards, most of them didn’t seem to show up. Did folks wake up Tuesday morning and say, “I ain’t going to that shit?”

Everyone needs to give it up to Michael Jackson, because even when he’s not there he’s still the star of the show. Ne-Yo needs to send Michael a check for recreating the “Smooth Criminal” video last night.

Negro Please Quote of the Night: “We’re blessed to be in T-Pain’s presence.”

Someone should ask Kanye what it tastes like. Probably beef flavored Ramen noodles, weed, red Koolaid, and bad breath.

That other comment he made: “I’m one of the king’s right now, so my opinion counts” – there’s so many different reasons to laugh at that.


This is “Generation Next?” Should I take a deep sigh now or at least be grateful that Soulja Boy plans to vote (take that, Nasir)?

Keyshia Cole looked great, but sounded like Frankie fresh off a pipe run. And she was doing so well lately. No Longer Lil’ Kim was irrelevant – and didn’t they bring her out with Keyshia last year?

Alicia did well. One of the highlights of the night. Lil’ Wayne seemed timid for him. I enjoyed “A Milli,” but overall very average for him. Same for Jill Scott.


Yay. It was good to see SWV, not necessarily hear them. I loved the group, but Coko was not on it yesterday. T-Bone looked like she had just woken up. Chilli looked so happy to be on stage. Enjoy it while it lasts, Frosty.

Usher: Oh how the mighty have fallen. Whatever that odd note was at the end sounded like back pain. I enjoyed Old Jeezy more. I hate “Love In This Club” now, by the way. He should look into a retirement villa. Bring Nelly.

Rihanna sounded really good. Go her.

No disrespect to T-Pain, because I applaud his hustle, but am I the only one who finds him incredibly corny? He still reminds me of the oldest Gummy Bear/an Ewok.

And now for the best of the night:

I am so glad that John Legend didn’t take part in the Al Green tribute. If he was that boring just standing on stage, I can only imagine his performance. Whatever planet Maxwell flew in from, revoke his visa and force him to stay. He killed it!

Last but not least:

I have nothing bad to say about Chris. Absolutely nothing. He and Ciara did very well. Speaking of Ciara, can someone please tell her she’s sexy so she can stop trying to bounce her muscle butt on stage to prove that she’s ultra-feminine and sexy. Y’know, because selling sex is what makes you oh so different.

As for that post-show goes: That’s the best Ciroc commercial I’ve ever seen. As a matter of fact, this blog entry is brought to you by the great people at Ciroc Vodka.

Yeah, I’m done now.

Grammy Awards

In an era of music where success can now be determined by how many ringtones you sell, I wasn’t entirely excited about “the biggest night in music.” It’s more like, “Oh. That still comes on?” Nevertheless: Hey, ya’ll, it’s Grammy time!

For days there was word of a “big surprise” performance at the beginning of the show. That turned out to be Alicia Keys looking like the lovely Lena Horne performing a ‘duet’ with the dead Frank Sinatra. Though it was really awkward and almost laughable to hear Alicia say, “Yeah, uh huh. Sing it, Frank. Yeah!” to the ghost of Grammy past on video, she did well. Sleep-inducing, but she did well.

Prefacing the performance with a montage honoring the Recording Academy’s 50-year-old awards ceremony, I imagine the bigger surprise is that we’ve gone from Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald as nominees to Soulja Boy.

The minute they gave Alicia Keys an award for vocal performance for “No One,” I knew this was going to be a long night. Hate aside, it says a lot of last year’s music scene when an artist that isn’t nominated in any of the major categories performs twice. Get the ratings how you can, CBS!

Speaking of multiples, must we honor the Beatles every year on some award show? Don’t ask me how the tribute went. I went to bathroom.

While it’s no “Achy Breaky Heart,” I’ve warmed to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” It sort of reminds me of the white woman’s answer to “Not Gon’ Cry.”

Best Duke Kit honors no doubt go to Morris Day. His hair seemed fresher than most of the female performers — but I wouldn’t expect anything less from anyone affiliated with Prince, a man who should have thought of “Stilettos (Pumps)” first.

It was a somewhat random segue from “Jungle Love” to “Umbrella,” but the performance was cool. Am I the only one who thought Rihanna looked a lot like that androgynous villain in Ghostbusters? You know, the one that asks Peter Venkman, “Are you a God?”

Yes, she looked great on stage and the red carpet, but c’mon nah. Doesn’t she look a little bit like Zuul?

Oh yeah, another thing: Tell Morris to slow his role. She’s old enough to be his great grandson’s first wet dream.

I really want Aretha Franklin to get to a healthy size. The front of her neck looks like Oscar, the back Meyer. I read that she’s working to drop those excess pounds, so good luck Re-Re! Be healthy!

I pretty much laughed the first two minutes of the Tina Turner/Beyonce duet. Granny is not playing with ya’ll. The performance was fine, though I was really hoping they would switch from “Proud Mary” to “Get Me Bodied.” I so wanted to see Tina do the scissor leg.

So this is what he meant by Glow in the Dark tour, eh? Sometimes when I look at Kanye, I think of queens and extasy. He just seems to be on some “LOOK AT ME! BITCH I SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID, LOOK AT ME” type shit. But hey, folks seem to dig it, so it obviously works for him.


Having said that, it was nice to see him perform something for his mother. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for him.

Who told Cuba Gooding Jr. it was acceptable for him to say “know what I’m saying?” Let’s all remove it from our vocabularies.

Well, she certainly dances like a crackhead. And either she had that crack itch, or she was about to masturbate on stage. Don’t worry, dear: Blake will be out soon.

It was good that she was given the chance to perform. It’s a shame what should have been the biggest nights of her life couldn’t completely come to fruition because of her addiction. Hopefully she pulls together. The shout out to her Bobby Brown, Blake, somewhat worries me.

As for her acceptance speech: Ray Ray and Joe? Shouting out her main in jail? Big ups to London? Didn’t I tell ya’ll she and her husband were the white Bobby and Whitney?!

Sigh. My people, my people. Who invited them?

Edit.

As for the awards, which seems to be the backdrop of the show these days:

Record of the Year: I gather the votes must have been split, because I know I heard “Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh” and “To the left, to the left” more times than I can count. I like “Rehab,” but that’s actually not one of my favorite songs from the Wino. Rihanna and Beyonce had the biggest songs of the year, so maybe it’s time people who actually have the biggest songs of the year finally win an award for it. I still feel Beyonce was robbed for “Crazy In Love.” This is the first time Beyonce hasn’t won a Grammy just for showing up. Someone’s wind machine is broken right now.

Album of the Year: In typical NARAS fashion, the members of the Academy voted for the oldest name on the ballot. Out of all of the awards Amy Winehouse was nominated for, that was the one award I hoped she would have won. That was a superb album, and one of the finest R&B/Soul offerings to be released in a long time. It’s a shame she didn’t win that award, because I would have loved to hear her shout out Junebug and ‘nem.

Then again, the Academy seems to consider Amy’s music “Pop.” Now, I get “Pop” means popular, but this is a category Britney Spears has an award in. Why wasn’t Amy placed in the R&B categories? Her sound is more rooted in R&B than the likes of Beyonce and Rihanna, who arguably could be placed in the Pop categories themselves. Stop placing artists in categories based on race.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance: I know I’ve made my thoughts about Alicia Keys clear, but I genuinely don’t think she deserved that award. She won that award off of name recognition. Like Beyonce, Alicia Keys benefits from the notion of name factor. It’s when uninformed voters look at the ballot and say to themselves, “Don’t know her. Not a clue. Ok, who are these people? Oh wait, I know that one. Winner!” Alicia Keys sounds awful on that song. Now if we were talking about “You Don’t Know My Name” then I would say yes, she deserves it, hands down. But on “No One” Alicia is straining throughout the entire sing, and even if that were the intended goal, it’s not the best vocal performance. Chrisette or Fantasia deserved this. It’s not like Alicia isn’t going to win 80 more Grammys next year.

I was talking to someone last night who pointed out that Jodeci and En Vogue have never won Grammys…not even for their vocal performances. Isn’t that ashame?

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: Prince won this because they know his name and NARAS loves the oldie but goodie (to them). Love Prince, but “Future Baby Mama” is no “Adore.”

Best R&B Performance By A Duo or Group With Vocals: You mean T-Pain and Akon didn’t have this one in the bag? :|

Best Urban/Alternative Performance: Well it’s cool that Lupe Fiasco can call himself a Grammy winner (and Jill Scott at least won something), but I really love Alice Smith’s “Dream.” If you haven’t heard it, find it. Now.

Best Contemporary R&B Album: Frankie ought to look into shanking someone because Keyshia Cole’s Just Like You deserved this.

Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: UGK and Outkast should have won this. R.I.P. Pimp C.

On that note, after watching this, I have to go work on my beats. I have to make sure Young Sinick wins Best New Artist in a year or two.

The American Idol Awards Show Featuring Beyonce

I have to be honest: I can’t remember any American Music Awards from this decade. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, considering this show was more or less promoted as the “music special that features a Special Guest Appearance by Beyonce.” Way to reel them in, Dick Clark.

Speaking of Beyonce, you know you’re the star of the show when you’re not even listed as a performer, though you’re still the night’s headliner.

The countdown to Beyonce’s special guest appearance show kicked off with Fergie doing yet another Gwen Stefani impersonation while performing “Fergalicious.”

Then she segued into her hundredth single, “Clumsy” but by then I already got up to get some more water. By the time I made my way back Fergie was wailing the incredibly annoying “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” I started to contemplate grabbing my blanket and sleeping through the rest of this show.

Producers, under the false impression that we needed even more Black Eyed Pea members to perform, decided to let Will.I.Am stay on stage to try and get his Timbaland on. I have no idea what song he was performing, but I do know it was everything like a Fergie performance: A bunch of props, and simple choreography to compensate for a performer without an ounce of rhythm.

After back-to-back performances, Will.I.Am still refused to vacate the stage, and why would he, when there was another rhythmless front woman to join. Nicole Whatchamacallit decided to give us another example of why she needs to give the Pussycat Dolls a call. She performed flopped single #2, “Baby Love” — a fitting title considering you have to love your baby to deal with the really annoying noises many of them make in the middle of the night, though none are probably nearly as annoying as whatever note Nicole thought she was hitting at the end of the song. I like her, but what was going on?

Just when I thought to hit the bottle of Nyquil, Jimmy Kimmel’s Writer’s Guild strike-approved opening saved the half hour. Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel for waking me up.

Faux punk rocker Avril reminded me of the reason I stopped paying attention to her years ago.

Ashanti gave me another reason to turn on Brown Sugar after she read the list of nominees for Best Soul R&B Male: Akon, T-Pain, and Ne-Yo. John Legend, Maxwell, D’Angelo, can we get it together with the new releases?

Up until this show, I had never heard of the Jonas Brothers, so outside of noting the kid in the white fell and tried to play it off, I have nothing to say. I take it they’re like the brunette version of Hanson?

I’m still not a fan of the song, but Rihanna’s performance with Ne-Yo was pretty good. She’s improving.

So the big “special guest appearance” that “audiences would be talking about tomorrow” was basically a carefully planned joint effort between Dick Clark Productions and Sony/BMG to get this show ratings and Beyonce even more crossover appeal.

Still, someone please get me the mp3 of the country remix to “Irreplaceable.” The lead singer of Sugarland was feeling that song wasn’t she? “To de leff, to de leff.”

Beyonce’s team is on a mission to push her to as many different audiences as possible. Expect a polka version of “Get Me Bodied” any day now. That or a zydeco version of “Freakum Dress.”

I would ask why Justin Timberlake won the Rock/Pop award and the Best Soul/R&B album, but I doubt I get a credible answer — ahh well.

Chris Brown’s performance had a lot of lights, acrobatics, energy, and the like. Kind of makes me wish I wasn’t so fat and lazy when I took gymnastics back in middle school. If there’s one thing I think he can add to his act, I think it would be to perform with pre-recorded live vocals just to add something fresh to whatever song he’s performing.

I was really hoping to hear Alicia perform “Like You’ll Never See Me Again,” but she instead went with the shouting anthem, “No One.” There was a lot of noise to process, but I did enjoy the break into “Murder She Wrote.”

I must say, Alicia dances a lot like Mariah Carey. She looked like she was having a lot of fun, though. I guess that’s the silver lining. She looked great, too. I wouldn’t be shocked if she went backstage and lit it up with her accompanying dancehall artists.

By the end of night, we found out how they got Beyonce to show up and why they kept bringing up Beyonce’s name every other minute besides the need to keep ratings: She won the biggest award of the night.

Did anyone peep her go the wrong way after accepting? I love her.

Mary J. Blige was killing ‘em on stage performing “Just Fine.” She looked a lot like old Mary, even breaking out the old What’s The 411? moves. I actually like the song a little more now. Rihanna singing a long was cute.

Wow I must be in a really good mood or something.

I also liked Khadijah’s performance. I knew she could hold a tune, but her voice seems to have gotten a lot stronger. Go Cleo.

All and all I probably should’ve been reading a book or watching something on bootleg (I mean authenticity-challenged) than watching this tribute to the American Idol franchise, but I wanted to look at Beyonce, so I stuck around. That makes it alright.

The BET Awards

Somewhere Jennifer Holliday is beaming with a painful expression that only she would classify as a smile as she was [finally] given the chance to remind audiences that she is the original “Effie White.” Performing alongside the 21st century’s “Effie,” Academy-Award winning actress, Jennifer Hudson, Ms. “And I Am Telling You I’ll Be Damned If You Forget About Me” Holliday was able to place fear in the hearts and minds of a new generation as she ferociously growled with a screaming Hudson on the musical’s most famous anthem, “And I Am Telling You.”

It was an historic albeit a fearful moment in the Dreamgirls saga. There’s something about the way Holliday fixes her face while singing that makes me think, “I see dead people.” It’s not polite to speak ill of your elders, but it’s also impolite to mock stroke victims while singing, J.Holli.

Still sticking with the multi-personality disorder angle for his new album, T.I. introduced his performance of “Big Things Poppin” with a video of himself having a conversation with his ‘spechul frand,’ T.I.P. T.I.P. must be a fan of Gilligan’s Island as he sprinted onto the stage in Thurston Howell III’s hat. As usual, T.I. represented for the thin man (don’t hate) by performing as if he weighed two-hundred and fifty pounds. I don’t think anyone enjoyed the performance more than Diana Ross. The 60-something supreme diva was caught on camera standing up jiggin’ along to T.I.’s — making her my new hero.

I couldn’t tell you what song Ne-Yo performed, because the last song of his that I listened to by choice was “So Sick.” But, since I’ve been advised to throw in a positive spin here and there to balance out the cynicism, I’ll say this: He did Michael Jackson’s old moves with fluency and he didn’t sound off key when he wasn’t singing over a pre-recorded track. Oh, and he gets points for trying to keep the energy up during Fabolous’ underwhelming performance of “Make Me Better.” Master Splinter would be proud (though Usher is probably somewhere laughing). Probably not as proud as The Hershey Company, though, given that Fab was dressed like the wrapping of a caramel-flavored Hershey’s Kisses.

Diddy, still clamoring for hope about that solo career, made the wise choice to lip sync his Prince-inspired single, “Last Night” featuring Keyshia Cole. Keyshia sounded a lot better than she did at church, though she still visibly had the ready-to-stab grimace she’s become famous for. Not so Lil Kim found her way back on to the main stage, giving Foxy Brown even more reasons to cry and lie to DJs.

Beyonce found inspiration in C3PO for the introduction to her performance of “Get Me Bodied.” The most shocking part of her performance was that it was used to introduce group mate and usual understudy, Kelly Rowland.

How great was it to see Kelly finally get her deserved share of the spotlight? Despite her voice sounding like it was possessed by the spirit of Barry White and Grandma Winslow, I think Kelly made up for it by exuding confidence, presence, and much more charisma on stage than she has in past performances.

It was also good to see Destiny’s Child on stage together. Not surprising that they managed to bring along their adopted third-cousin, Solange, on stage with them, but she out-twirked her big sister, so enjoy it while you can, Solange. It’s highly unlikely you’ll be let back on that stage anytime soon. And if you caught the split camera image on the right, you caught Michelle the Gospel Singer pussy-poppin’ her way out of an invitation to the next Stellar Awards. If it’s any consolation, Te-Te, I’ll invite you to the club with me.

I don’t remember much about Robin Thicke’s performance outside of I can now tell that he is in fact the son of that guy from “Growing Pains” by the way he tried to rock his hips, then wave and sip. Negative.

I can’t really mock a tribute performance, but I will say Patti Labelle looked like Glenda the Good Witch as she walked on stage to holler loud enough for everyone – including Gerald Levert – to hear her.

R.I.P. Gerald.

Shout out to the Wizard of the Oz.

So for about a minute and a half 50 just walked around with a big ass grin on his face, forgoing the actual point of him appearing on stage: to perform a song. Around the second verse, I guess he decided, “Hell, I ain’t that high!” and carried on with a performance of his current single, “Amusement Park.” The performance reminded me of the amusement park in Houston that I frequented as a kid: demolished.

R.I.P., Astroworld.

It was good to see Erykah Badu fly back from Pluto to take part in the tribute for Diana Ross. I miss you, Erykah. Fly home more often.

Next in line was Chaka Khan, who looked like she did Diana Ross the small favor of eating Mary Wilson. I don’t remember much of the performance outside of, “Ahhhh!”

Same goes for Stevie, only replace the screams with mumbles. “Zip, zop, do do dop, mumble, mumble, some Diana Ross lyrics, bop a do dop.”

And proof that there is a God, Ciara had a hairstyle that made her look less like a tranny. She can’t sing worth a damn, but who ever expects vocal theatrics from her? Typical performance, but good looks on reminding us all that Lil Jon is still alive. I was certain snap killed him.

Go Big Gul What Chu Gon Do?

The best part of the show for me was the host, Mo’Nique.

I love anyone that will call their 83-year-old grandmother and ask her if she’s been drinking.

If only she taught the girls of “Charm School” how to be that graceful while sweeping the flo’ with it.

As usual, she delivered, hopefully reminding people to never ever invite Damon Wayans to host the show again. Ever.

The 2007 Grammy Awards: In Cynical Form


The 49th annual Grammy Awards were held last night, and there’s no other way to sum up the show than by saying this: It encouraged illegal downloading.

I have been quickly reminded by my friends that the show was much better than last year’s. That’s not saying much, though, since I can’t remember one thing from the 2006 Grammys. Can you?

In any event, some of the lowlights include Beyonce’s underwhelming performance of her anti-”And I Am Telling You” song from Dreamgirls, “Listen.” I have never seen Beyonce that boring. Robot she may be, but the robot is always on come performance time. However, last night, ‘Yonce’s voice sounded flat and exhausted, she appeared stiff, and she was dressed like an extra from The Little Mermaid. Jennifer Hudson must have kidnapped Sasha.

Another performance of poor note is the tribute to R&B which featured three generations of R&B male crooners – including legendary songwriters and vocalists Smokey Robinson and Lionel Richie, along with the representative of the new generation, Usher 2.0 and tallest dancer in the world himself, Chris Brown.

The performance seemed like a visual presentation of the decline of R&B. Smokey The Green Eyed Monster began the tribute by singing his classic song with the Miracles, “The Tracks of My Tears.” Nicole Richie’s pops followed with a performance of his own classic, “Hello.”

And then came Chris.

For a minute, I thought someone slipped in a bootleg copy of Stomp The Yard into my DVD player, because Chris started stepping as if they were at his probate. Chris then proceeded to dance, do various backflips, jump and down, dance some more, and just incase we weren’t convinced that he tall do people do indeed have rhythm, danced again. I believe he was performing his hit, “Run It,” but he didn’t actually sing much of it. Thank God for backing tracks!

Mary was Mary. The Police’s performance was rather short, and with all due respect to my elders, forgettable.

Shakira performed “Hips Don’t Lie” — again. Hips may not lie, but I see they damn sure never shut up.

Justin pretended to be Elton John…again. As for that random close up towards the end of his performance of “What Goes Around,” I never want to see him that close again. Someone please break the camera he has attached to his piano. I was starting to think I was Cameron Diaz.

One of the biggest disappointing performances of the night belonged to a surprisingly subdued Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Sobriety and age have turned them into walking ads for Tylenol PM. Oh yeah, when did Will Ferrell start playing with the Chilli Peppers?

Ok, I know, you’re thinking, “Where’s the positivity on a blog called The Cynical Ones?”

Never fear, it’s coming.

Ten minutes later


Got it! Christina Aguilera! Minus that odd , dying cat-like note towards the end, I think “Miss I Can Sing, I Can Sing, Don’t Look at Britney, Look At Me, I’m Dirrty and I Can Sing” did a good job of covering the inspiration behind Alicia Keys’ first hit song, “Fallin’” (Yeah I’m saying it: Alicia is a biter and a thief!), James Brown’s notorious, “This Is A Man’s World.”

Of course, not everyone seems to agree about Christina’s performance. Granted, she oversang the song as usual, but with so many people undersinging, me thinks we ought to be happy with what we get.

Now, on to the real story of the night:


Ike Turner was awarded his first Grammy in 35 years. On winning his award, Ike said, “I’m scared to death.” Ike was probably afraid he’d get busted after the show by the po-pos, or someone possibly going upside his head for a change. In any event, he’s a pioneer in music, and it’s nice to be reminded when people you haven’t heard from in forever are still alive.

Somewhere Anna Mae Bullock is fuming.

The Cynical Awards

If you’re like me and Beyonce in this picture, you were bored out of your damn minds with nearly every award show this year. Here’s another edition of ‘The Cynical Awards.”

Best Advertisement for Homosexuality Award: Britney Spears’ Vagina

Saggier than the breasts of an eighty year old woman and more damaged than an Los Angeles freeway after a major earthquake, the once revered sex icon Britney Spears has definitely let herself go. Her gynecologists can’t be anymore disgusted than I am.

Click at your own risk.


Label Whore Award: Kanye West

It’s not enough that the self-professed “Louie Vuitton Don” spits rhyme after rhyme about the various designer clothes he’s accumulated over the years. To up the ante and prove to people just how oh-so-fly he is and that there is none flier, the Don himself decided to get the Fendi emblem etched into his head to match the backdrop for the event — and possibly his jacket. No word on whether or not the people over at Louie Vuitton are jealous.


Opportunistic Whore Award: Carmen Bryan

Though she claims to have began penning her book before Karrine Steffans released her New York Times best-selling (deep sigh) book, Confessions of a Video Vixen, Carmen Bryan can’t help but thank Steffans for making sordid tales of celebrity dick-sucking profitable in a new medium. Carmen’s book, It’s No Secret (clearly, Carmen) writes about fucking Jay-Z, Allen Iverson, and of course, her ‘baby daddy,’ Nas. This has led to Bryan dubbing herself, “Hip Hop’s Helen of Troy.” I personally like “Whores With Delusions of Grandeur” better, but different strokes for different folks. And before you ask, I think the men are whores, too. STDs don’t discriminate and neither do I.

Overrated Faux-Prince Music Award: Justin Timberlake

I like “Sexyback.” I enjoy the iTunes bonus track, “Boutique In Heaven.” I can tolerate “FutureSex/LoveSound” and “Until The End Of Time.” Three of the four mentioned are largely inspired by Prince, hence the mild enjoyment. I cringe whenever I hear “Chop Me Up.” The city of Houston should permanently ban Timberbitch for making reference to its beloved (by me and the other Houstonians anyway) sound of screw. I can’t remember anything else from the album, because I’ve tried to permanently block it from memory. On the first album he did a decent job of jacking Michael Jackson. On his sophomore album, he does a piss poor job of jacking Prince. I secretly hope Prince puts on his purple stilettos and gives Justin a swift kick to the balls. Prince says “Sexy never left.” Too bad originality has.

Best Transformation: Boyz II Men

Thanks to Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, the good people at Golden Corral, and trans fat, Boyz II Men has done what no other male R&B group has done: they’ve transformed into a completely different group. Meet the new O’Jays, folks. If they got “On Bended Knee,” do you think they’d be able to get back up?


Most Likely To Be Invited to the Next Edition of “Celebrity Fit Club:” The dude from Webster

It looks like Emmanuel Lewis has been sucking up whatever small bit of food Boyz II Men left on their plates. He looks like Bonecrusher’s Mini-Me.


Trillest Mama: Scrappy’s Mama

Last year I asked my mom if she wanted to go to TV Johnny’s and get matching grills. She told me no. This Thanksgiving, I told her about the 2-for-1 sale TV Johnny had going this year. Again she told me no. When I ask again (and I will), I can say, “Lil Scrappy’s mama would do it!”


Congrats, You’re Not Dead: Group of R&B Male Singers the 80s Threw Up

From the new jack swing era to now, it’s like nite and day. *mumbling mumbling ‘how I feel about you”* They look horrible, but hey they’re all alive (despite looking half dead).

Hammer Pants Award: Ciara

Like Waldo, I always wondered what Hammer did to those hideous, oversized, garbage bag-like pants. I see Ciara’s people scooped them up at Hammer’s third bankruptcy sale.

Swagger Jacker Award: Ciara.

She’s got Janet Jackson’s old choreographer, Aaliyah’s old weave, poses, and style, and Wanda Sykes’ face. When it comes to swagger jacking, no one is topping Ciara this year.


The A Lot on Her Mind Award: Rhianna

The size of her forehead makes me think she’s thinking about her problems, my problems, your problems, and the problems of people not even born yet. With a head that size I’m guessing her SAT scores are pretty high.

I’m Smart Enough To Cover My Dome With Bangs Award: LeToya Luckett

Hiram Clarke’s own ex-Destiny’s Child backup singer turned legitimate solo star LeToya Luckett preserves her sexy by making sure she hides her forehead from the eyes of the public at all costs. Rhianna, while you’re busy digging through Beyonce’s trash to learn about her as much as possible, take a lesson from one of Beyonce’s old bandmates.

You’re Probably Going to Hell Award: The Creators of This Shirt

I was almost certain I would have to give this award to myself, but in the bottom ninth some fool created this shirt. Blasphemous, but what do you expect from a man who calls himself “Hova.” Thanks for taking the heat off me.

You Can’t Fake Being Inebriated On Stage Very Well: Fergie

I don’t know what she’s on, but it looks painful. Like a walking advertisement for sobriety. So delicious.

Sexy No Matter What: Beyonce

Only Beyonce could look this good with that much hair under her lip.

Now if anyone wants to book me to host an award show next year, I’m available. I mean, I don’t have shit else to do.