Sean Spicer often looks guilty of something. He looks like the person who went into the work refrigerator, saw the juice with your name on it and drank it anyway—and put it back with not the slightest ounce of shame. Spicer also seems like the driver you end up cursing out on the freeway because he sees you trying to get over to make an exit but speeds up to block you from doing so. For no other reason than he can and he likes to inflict pain on others. The man looks salty as hell at all times.
In his debut, Spicer did not take questions. Instead, Spicer berated the press for correctly reporting that the crowds for Minute Maid Mao’s inauguration were pathetic, or “Sad!” as some wannabe dictators would say. Evidently the man was sent out by his new boss to play into his delusions of grandeur and incessant need to be liked. After Spicer finished, he stormed off. Sadly, no reporter shouted, “Sashay, Shantay” as he exited the building—proving once again why more media outlets need to be more inclusive in their hiring.
Spicer is quite the reflection of the man he works for, though. He lies like hell. He’s harsh in his delivery. He speaks with a strong sense of entitlement. He wears suits that are way too big. He’s infuriating to watch. Most of all, Spicer is incredibly embarrassing.
During a press conference Monday, Spicer was addressing Minute Maid Mao’s executive action that restructured the National Security Council. While doing so, Spicer held up a printed tweet. Why? Because Spicer wanted to drill home the point that there had been “misreporting” on this issue.
Cast members on shows like The Real Housewives of Wherever and Love & Hip Hop: Anywhere don’t even print out tweets at reunion shows. Spicer is out here holding White House press conferences that come across as live re-enactments of posts from the Shade Room. Yet for Spicer it gets much, much worse.
Heaven, I need a hug, and God, I need to borrow your trusty lightning bolt.
“That’s why we slow [the process] down a little,” Spicer explained. “To make sure that if they are a 5-year-old, that maybe they’re with their parents and they don’t pose a threat. But to assume that just because of someone’s age or gender or whatever that they don’t pose a threat would be misguided and wrong.”