Check Your Facts, Not Beyoncé

Last week I read an article on The Root entitled “Beyoncé’s Incredible, Miraculous Pregnancy,” in which the writer basically assailed my lord and gyrator under the false allegation that she was shoving her pregnancy down everyone’s throat and that she needed to quit acting as if she’s the only person in history to be with child.

Part of the piece included jabs like this:

I’m happy for you, Bey, but the joy growing inside your womb is not the blueprint, and it is not biblical. It isn’t the Visitation; nor is it the dawn of a new epoch in the human calendar. It’s a baby.

Not to mention a subheading called “A Mom-To-Be Who Knows Her Place.”

Now you know I had to write a response to that. In my latest essay for The Root, “It’s Not Beyoncé, It’s You” I hit back at all of the author’s off base accusations and remind her and others that it’s none of our places to tell a woman to tame her excitement about becoming a mother. You can click here to check it out.

Feel free to hit like, tweet, and email the piece around. You an also hit your sexy and slow stanky legs, too. And remember: Watch you what you say about the Queen. The hive ain’t having it.

Baby, Get A Grip

I wanted to call this post “Conspiracy Cunts,” but I figured that might not be the best thing to have on my Twitter feed and Google index. I blame the Puritans. That’s still pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous story about Beyoncé faking her pregnancy all the same.

I noticed on the very night Beyoncé casually announced being with child that the headmistress of online sensationalism quickly barked that it was all a farce. That was to be expected if you’ve ever read the blog. Unfortunately, I gave other people the benefit of the doubt. I never learn, damn closet idealism.

There are people who actually believe Beyoncé is fronting about her growing fetus. And not just fronting: She’s cut her fancy pillow up into the shape of a prosthetic belly, which folds in front of foreign journalists. This video is tagged as “Best Proof Ever Beyonce is faking her pregnancy!! But Why? What u think?”

I think an insanely sad number of people are fucking morons.

I’m only getting started, too.

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Baby Bey’s

You’ll have to forgive my ignorance for not knowing that there is a show called Toddlers & Tiaras on television. I’m obviously not a member of the target audience. I realize this clip is about a week old now, but there was no way was I going to turn down doing a post about a little white girl yearning for brown skin. And not just any girl either. This adorable child wants to look like my lord and gyrator, Beyoncé!

Heavens to Murgatroyd! That is amazing. The press always belabors the point that little black girls don’t like themselves and want to look like Malibu Barbie. That’s why we get black women surgically transforming themselves into Mrs. Potato Head and reality stars rocking their homeroom teacher’s eye color (you’re too pretty for that Jennifer Williams!).

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

It’s about time we get a story claiming the opposite, giving black girls and white girls alike a different perspective. Bless this little girl’s heart. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if I did I would say that little pageant child has been possessed by Teena Marie. Wait, that’s not how reincarnation works, huh? Well, is Remy Shand still around? If not, well…there you go. If so (damn, I checked and he is), just find somebody for me and fill it in. Thank you.

Anyway, hopefully this little girl finds her rhythm in the coming years. I’m sure if she watches enough Beyoncé DVDs she will. TLC should also do her a solid and link her with Heather Morris. The kid isn’t that bad. Hell, she’s already trying harder than Britney Spears has been lately. There’s hope for that little girl, I just know it.

Beyoncé To The Rescue

Fear not, fat children of America. The queen has come to save you.

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She Runs The World, You Run Your Mouth

There’s always going to be silly criticism about Beyoncé, but sometimes I wish I could borrow her fan to blow some of your asses away.

I have longed accepted that not everyone will like Beyoncé.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I think people like that suffer from some sort of personality disorder. Be that as it may I respect people’s right to deny greatness and available medication from their virtual pharmacist, iTunes.

What I don’t cut for her is the notion of coming for the Queen’s throat over an unfinished demo.

Such is the case for Beyoncé’s new single, “Girls (Who Run The World).”

The version that was leaked yesterday is not the finished product. Not surprisingly, that fun fact hasn’t stopped people from writing soliloquies about how it’s time to lock Beyoncé out of the studio based on what they’ve heard.

I don’t really care if some folks don’t like it ‘cause everyone else will.

What does irritate me a bit, though, is one aspect of the criticism largely centered on the idea that her single and its lyrics aren’t “deep enough.”

If you’re looking for the meaning of life from Beyoncé I need for you to go and let your forehead kiss the sidewalk.

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So I Finally Met The Queen…

If you’ve read this blog for a while then you know Beyoncé is my beloved Lord and gyrator.

You also know that I’ve long felt like I was the only one I knew who hadn’t met the Queen. I would run into the other members of Destiny’s Child through work or just being out, but every time I was supposed to meet Beyoncé it fell through. My unlucky streak ended on Saturday after I finally – finally, finally, finally, finally – met her.

I have been smiling ever since.

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Love This Now

I’m trying to type this without sounding like I’m filled with tang, but dammit, why don’t some of you like this video? What’s wrong with you? What is there not to like about this video?

It’s weird? It’s Lady GaGa. Stop it. It’s too long. It’s a mini-movie, enjoy the production value you attention deficit disorder suffering doof. OK, that was a little mean, but well…ten minutes isn’t going to kill you.

I also stumbled along up this opinion via MTV News:

However, Jess Wachtel had a more cynical view of the nearly ten-minute long video. “Looks like Beyoncé and her put together a video to sell some records,” he said.

Oh my God. A pop star is trying to sell records. The world is changing so drastically. I don’t feel like I belong anymore.

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Kid Fierce

Judging from some of the comments I’ve read in recent months, there are a few readers here who seem to have a problem with ‘the ghey.’ Being the kind gent I am, instead of being mindful of some people’s sensitivities (or prejudices) and avoiding the topic at all cost, I’d rather post pictures like this and cause some to go blind — or at least cockeyed for an hour or so.

Anyhow, Beyonce has finally landed the cover of Vogue. I don’t read Vogue, but I know only the White House and broadcast television best this magazine in the age old American pastime, “Who Wants to Avoid A Negro?” So, two back-to-back Black covers is a big deal, so go you, Beyonce.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, this post isn’t really about her. It’s about the kid who clearly stole her shine in the above shot.

Lil’ homie is giving it, ain’t he? I didn’t even notice Beyonce at first. Folks can keep pretending gay people weren’t invented until 1996, but there’s no way you can convince me that “bitch please, this is my shot” posture isn’t innate. Not every gay is that way, but I don’t expect this kid to get married to a woman and coach his son’s football team — although he may have tackled a Keri Hilson fan recently.

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

As the kids are being put through their paces by a choreographer, Beyoncé makes a surprise entrance in a full-length purple gown. It slowly dawns on them that Beyoncé is standing right in front of them, and their faces are like little contained explosions. One of the only boys, Chris, actually fans his face with his hands as if he is about to faint.

Who wants to guess which kid is Chris?

Beyonce Stans Go Hard

If you’re wondering, no I haven’t been hanging with Mathew planning revenge against Keri Hilson. I’ve been busy, jack. I actually planned on a bunch of updates for today and yesterday, but I kept getting sidetracked — some of it blog related. I finally decided to get a dotcom and in trying to switch over to WordPress, I’ve run into a wee bit of problems with the template. I like this layout and I’m hard pressed to keep it as close to this as possible.

So, hopefully within the next couple of days, I’ll be pointing you over to the new version of the blog. If it looks a little janky at first, that’s ok — it will get better.

Speaking of which, I hope this stan in the video finds the hug and prescription he’s evidently going without. I still think no matter who the song was directed at, R&B beef is pretty corny and doesn’t really help an artist in the long run. It certainly doesn’t help a newbie to take on argubly the biggest crossover R&B female out and ignite a stan war.

Keri, you seem nice, and you can write a catch hook and carry a tune — but there’s no stoping the voodoo of B-Unit. Buy a clue and file a restraining order against Mr. Grits on Toast.

P.S. If you’re going to broadcast from your kitchen, try cleaning it first.

Good News

Not that I ever believed her, but for several years now, Beyonce has been talking about wanting to retire at the age of 30 so she can settle down and have some big head babies. I tend to never believe artists when they talk about retiring, though for a second there I worried she might scale back after marrying Jigga. One kid alone could spread those hips wider than the Mississippi — and we all know our girl loves her some Popeyes. He done a put a ring on it, so the fear that after a two piece of chicken and kids she might up and decide at 29 1/2, “Let Rihanna have it” started to feel real.

Thankfully, Beyonce has come to realize retirement is for quitters.

She told Ebony: “I’ve worked so hard on my craft, and I will never stop. I will never retire. I love it way too much.”

That’s right. Don’t you ever leave me, Beyonce. I don’t know what it’s like to live in a world without Beyonce p-poppin’ all over it, but that is not a world I want to ever come to learn anyway. Not now. Not ever. Especially now that’s she’s back to wearing hair that’s not straight and blonde.

When she told me she wanted to record a soul album, I was so geeked. When I heard “Work It Out,” I fell in love. She looks amazing in this photo. I swear I would run barefoot down MLK to get her the Tuesday special at Popeyes — two piece for .89 cents. You know what? Fuck it. I would get her the family special. She’s that wonderful, which is why sometimes I get disappointed that she doesn’t live up to her full potential. I want the soul album she promised me.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and Beyonce basher who claims I never say anything bad about her. If you read this blog, you know that’s not true at all. I’ve virtually handed her a muzzle, expressed disappointment in her stagmatism both musically and visually, so it’s not like I compliment every single thing she does. Me thinks this person doesn’t really think this, but I will say this: If you don’t like Beyonce even a little bit, something must be wrong with you.

There I’ve finally said it. I can understand why you may wish she go a little deeper, have a little more substance, or push herself harder, but how can you not like Beyonce at all? Seriously. If you don’t like her at all, what’s the matter? Have you been treated for this condition, and if so, what did the doctor prescribe? Better taste? I’m intrigued.

I’ve noticed online – typically from message boards – that Beyonce brings out the insecure little girl in people. Is she the best singer in the world? No. Is she the best dancer in the world? Nah, but I certainly appreciate a good twirker. Is the the best we have in the industry overall? Hell yeah.

She is leap and heads above her peers, and while I hate when people get accolades for being so good because everyone else is so bad, I don’t place Beyonce in that category. She would be killing it in any decade.

That is why I am so glad she has no plans of ever leaving me. I want us both to be getting it in our walkers until we’re over 100. If that thought makes you queasy, take a Tums. You’re not living right.

Stanism aside, how can you not find any redeemable qualities in Beyonce? Yes, she seems to be a part of Dr. Suess’ book club, and yeah she’s pretty vapid in most interviews. Alright, she acts like she molded and shaped the Earth herself some \times, but a lot of big artists can be described this way. I happen to think most celebrities are pretty boring in general. But as long as you can deliver at your job, I’m good.

Have you watched an awards show without her? I rest my case.

I’ve heard different theories about why so many can’t stand her. Some say you’re likely a loser, or you’re ugly…maybe a combination a both. When people grip about so many people fawning over her, it usually comes across as some petty high school jealousy. Hey, I ain’t have those issues, fam.

So, if you’re a hater for any other reason besides Beyonce stealing your stuff (which she seems to do on the regular), explain yourselves.

It’s not normal to not like her.