I Need Answers

1. Did anyone from The Donda Project ever respond to your email?

2. Where is Michele Bachmann? (Don’t answer. Just relish in the fact that I even thought to ask.)

3. Isn’t Big Ang a joy?

4. Whatever happened to that Eve comeback project?

5. So Azealia Banks is like more hip-hop for hipsters, right?

6. Isn’t Oprah’s Master Class the best pep talk?

7. So are these two gonna be like Foxy Brown versus Lil’ Kim, only the version of Kim she imagines herself to be?

8. Isn’t it great to see D’Angelo back on stage again?

9. Why is Rihanna so damn pressed to show the world how bad she is?

10. When is the last time Jennifer Hudson had some Popeye’s chicken?

11. How about someone push Mark Oxner off the boat instead?

12. Why are there people in the world proposing marriage via Facebook walls?

13. Will Christina Aguilera be sure to wear panties to the next funeral?

14. High unemployment rates or not, isn’t it odd for select Detroit high schools to be teaching their students how to work at Walmart (with credit to boot)?

15. Anyone else notice how much Karen on Mob Wives looks like Mafia Miss Piggy?

16. What are the chances that this might be featured on a future episode of Keeping up with the Kristians Kardashians?

17. The next time Khia makes the news for being arrested for something like repossession evasion, is it fair to assume that someone defaulted on her pussy bill?

A spilled drink may have led to four people, including two innocent bystanders, being shot early Saturday at a Stone Mountain nightclub, police said.

18. Who do I have to shoot in the NRA to get them to lay off gun control laws?

19. Isn’t this trailer a bit extra for a show that’s mainly gonna consist a bunch of women throwing watered down happy hour drinks at each other?

20. If Marlo Hampton were a song, would it be Khia’s “Pussy Bill?”

I Need Answers

1. Did you all really expect someone named Beyoncé to give her child an average name?

2. Doesn’t the idea of Drake issuing threats on wax seem like a Pound Puppy trying to enter a dog-fighting match?

3. Of all of God’s wondrous creations, why in the blue-sky fuck do people think the deity is obsessed with the Denver Broncos?

4. Is that Shit ___ Says trend going to die soon or do we have to wait for “Shit Deaf People Sign When The Chinese Carry Out Gives Them Beef Lo Mein Instead of Chicken” first?

5. So if the stories of Chrissy Lampkin having a history of dating nothing but D-boys are true, does that make her the Evelyn Lozada of the kilo world?

Read the rest of this entry »

I Need Answers

1. Is this supposed to prove it’s real?

2. Am I wrong for looking at this picture and instantly hearing: “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories?”

3. In a screaming contest, who do you think has the biggest chance of busting your eardrums: Tasha Smith or Jennifer Hudson?

4. Who thought it was a good idea to schedule Michelle Obama to appear at a NASCAR rally?

5. Do you think Beyoncé knows just how much more powerful a lot of her stans are feeling after this?

6. When you really think about it, isn’t Toni Braxton just as extra as her sister, Tamar, only in a lower volume?

7. Did the back of Kimbella’s head deserve that train ride to the hotel room floor?

8. Do you ever think Lady Gaga stops and laughs about having all of these girls dressing like fashion victims from the future?

9. Since they’ve proven time and time again to be quite the hip-hop head, do you think Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift greet each other with a Rick Ross grunt?

10. Can we give Tina Knowles a round of applause for showing the best of jigs after 50?

11. If the Pine Sole lady isn’t causing social media network scenes over commercials, why won’t Tyrese let this go?

12. Will someone explain to Jackie Christie that only she can hear the villagers that live inside her head?

13. Is Christina Aguilera hiding Mandy Moore in her stomach?

14. Why is Lil’ Romeo telling us to go to trade school?

15. What is exactly is going on in Amber Rose’s Smirnoff vodka commercial?

16. Baseball Wives: Why?

17. What are the chances that on her sophomore album we’ll get the Nicki Minaj we knew before she started hanging out with Judy Jetson?

Florida police on Friday arrested a person suspected of administering dangerous and illegal butt-boosting shots – injecting at least one woman with a cocktail of substances including cement, glue and tire sealant.

18.  Is it ever that serious?

19. Are we really going to get that new D’Angelo album?

20. Is the miracle in these Dr. Miracle commercials supposed to be us pretending that we can’t spot the weaves in these hair ads?

I Need Answers

1. Doesn’t Herman Cain seem like the kind of person who finds a way to work in the phrase “boot scootin boogie” in his everyday speech?

2. When People magazine reports that Blanket Jackson inherited Michael Jackson’s dances moves, does that mean we’re supposed to still be pretending those lovely white babies actually came from his seed?

 On being hurt by Rihanna:

“At the time it hurt, but she didn’t mean to. I’ll never put that on her. I was hurt because I slowly started to realize what it was. I guess I thought it was more. That was the first girl with any fame that paid me any mind. You spend days reading about this person in magazines. All of a sudden you have this number-one song and you’re at some birthday party and there she is. And you’re just some naive kid from Toronto staying in some shitty-ass hotel who got invited to this party on a whim. That’s just how it happened.”

3. Can someone please tell Drake to hop off of Rihanna’s dick already and just be grateful to have had the pleasure?

4. Speaking of Rihanna, doesn’t it look like she wants to wage another witch war with Neve Campbell on her new album cover?

5. Isn’t this just the Christian equivalent of those little girls repeating Nicki Minaj lyrics on YouTube?

6. So this Chris Brown rapping thing, is that not ever going to stop?

7. Now do you see what the dangers are of letting your mama listen to the rap radio station for too long?

8. Will someone please go treat Trey Songz and his management team for sex addiction already?

9. How much longer do I have to put up with the phrase “that shit cray?”

10. Why is it so hard for some people to empathize with “Occupy Wall Street” considering…everything?

11. Although it’s nice for Ciara to have found another label home, could an album executive produced by Jesus even reignite her music career at this point?

12. What’s eating Christina Aguilera? The shit Jennifer Hudson threw out after joining Weight Watchers?

13. Would it be wrong to tweet and/or email this to some of the more embittered cast members of the Basketball Wives franchise with the note, “Hate on, hateful heifers?”

14a. If Vigo from Ghostbusters II had a son, wouldn’t he look like Kris Humphries?

14b. Who ya gonna call?

15. I know he’s unemployed, but am I the only one who looks at Rob Kardashian from behind and instantly hear Tim Gunn tell me to “Make it work?!”

16. If you’re already going to embarrass the race fighting over liquor in public, couldn’t you at least tell the world you settle your beef over fried chicken after the club let out?

17. Who’s Beyoncé’s surrogate: Betty Rubble, Puff the Magic Dragon, or Dwight Eubanks?

18. How many more accusations and lawsuits will it take to convince artists to branch out and stop working with the same damn people all the time?

19. Why do I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp when watching many of the recent black “comedies” on air?

20. Is there a special circle of hell for the color struck and if not, can we arrange one?

I Need Answers

1. Is it safe to say that Keri Hilson is the wicked stepsister of R&B?

2. Isn’t Sarah Palin basically, “What if Tracy Flick weren’t so smart?”

3. Can someone let Kim Kardashian (and select media outlets) know that while we’re happy she finally got married, she and her husband are not now nor will they ever be like William and Kate?

4. For a second there, doesn’t this concert sound like it’s for the Gay Male Chorus of Atlanta instead of one for Brandy?

5. Judging by Raven-Symoné’s subtle shade, how much do you think it sucks to be Ciara on the anniversary of Aaliyah’s death each year?

6. Must we make every natural disaster – especially those predicated in advance – out to be some threat from God?

7. Even if Meeka Claxton does need half the Indian Ocean to quench her thirst did y’all have to boo her like that?

8. Vocal talent levels of a cartoon bird aside, Cassie has some pretty dope songs on the low, no?

9. If you were Madonna, wouldn’t you have a bunch of young boy toys, too?

10. Why does it feel like Kelly Rowland promoting La La’s Full Court Life more than her own album?

11. Speaking of La La, do you think her life reality show makes some of those other “basketball wives” cry at night?

12. What in the fuck is this shit?

13. Katt Williams says he’s a Christian and proud to be an American, but how do you think a psychiatrist would describe him?

14. Didn’t Adele say she quit smoking?

15. What’s scarier: The idea of  “post-blackness” or the reality that there are still way too black people ready to to denigrante their own for own advancement?

16. How did J. Cole go from the hot wing of hip-hop to the Ambien of rap?

17. Is it disrespectful to already be pressed for Amy Winehouse’s posthumous album?

18. Isn’t this tweet the kind of stuff restraining orders are made of?

19. How soon should we expect Beyoncé to get back to work after giving birth? Or will she even stop at all?

20. What is wrong with Chris Brown?

I Need Answers

1. Does Anderson Cooper give the best reads in news?

2. Can someone kindly let Timon and Simba know that they will never be Beyoncé and Jay-Z?

3. Is Kim Kardashian supposed to be America’s answer to Kate Middleton?

4. Considering she’s done a fine job of appearing crazy on her own accord, was this Michele Bachmann cover necessary?

5. How many more films about white benevolence towards colored people does the world need?

6. So basically La La’s Full Court Life is the show we all thought Basketball Wives would be?

7. Even though this is the most she’s moved since giving herself a Caesar years ago, should I still just go ahead and stop saying my novena for Britney Spears to find her rhythm?

8. Name five celebrities who ought to delete their Twitter accounts and express their most random thoughts in a Five Star binder?

9. Now that Tia and Tamera Mowry have proven yet again that nice people can have popular shows can I go back to watching Royce Reed call Evelyn Lozada a dirty hoe in peace?

10. How much longer are people going to pretend Kreayshawn isn’t anything more than just a lamer version of Snow with a period?

11. Is it really that bad that we’re getting another Rihanna album already?

12. Will there ever be a tragedy Lady GaGa won’t manage to tie herself to in the press?

13. Does Nicki Minaj mean she’s going to like rap-rap again?

14. Why do people like Fantasia act like God personally hid the condoms in order to make sure she was pregnant?

15. If Nickelodeon is going to play cartoons and live-action series from the 1990s can we get the formally music channels to follow suit?

16. Will Drake ever release a first single that doesn’t sound as if its recording was preceded by a My So Called Life marathon?

17. Can you believe there’s now a little girl out there calling Bow Wow daddy without having to be assured she’ll get to star in his next World Star Hip Hop video first (congratulations, Shad)?

18. After initially wanting him deported (regardless of his citizenship), why can I now not get enough of Roscoe Dash?

19. Who are you happier to hear less of these days: Kat Stacks or Raz-B?

20. Who wants to bring this to me, minus the chives and plus two wonderfully frozen adult beverages to boot?

I Need Answers

1. Will this trend of people with no personalities trying to become one ever end?

2. Is a Lil’ Wayne collaboration enough for Ashanti to make a come back or will she need Lil’ Kim, Nicki Minaj, and Mary Magdalene on the remix?

3. Now that Bow Wow has confirmed he’s some little girl’s daddy where does one sign up to be fill in the role he left behind for Omarion?

4. Will someone alert Miguel that Zuul from Ghostbusters originated the hairstyle he thinks Lloyd copied off of him?

5. Does Stacey Dash have more than one expression?

6. Considering Clinton was branded a murderer, rapist, and impeached for a blow job while Bush II was long heralded as the fucking village idiot, is it fair to argue that President Obama is the most disrespected president in history?

7. Is it me or does Marsha Ambrosius sometimes sing as if she’s being chased through a haunted house?

8. Why is a Rick Ross grunt music to the ears?

9. As ecstatic as fans are to always get new music, nah, for real, what’s good on a sophomore album, Teedra Moses?

10. Can we get Tamar Braxton in the studio?

11. How many more of these “I’m going to behave even though I don’t think I did anything that bad” interviews is Lindsay Lohan going to give?

12. Which person has the bigger high: Britney Spears on her psychiatric medication or Tyrese off his own disturbing level self-importance?

13. Is Herman Cain nothing more than a politically correct Uncle Ruckus?

14. How much longer is Kanye West going to throw shots at his ex-girlfriend?

15. At one point do you tell yourself, “I gotta stop eating this bullshit and get my life right?”

16. Did Lloyd really need to become the R&B community’s answer to Bam Bam Bigelow?

17. Do you ever wonder if Afeni Shakur wants to curse out all of Maybach Music Group for “Tupac Back?”

18. Who wants to be a dear and let Jennifer Hudson know that if she decided to never try dancing again many of us would be most grateful?

19. After looking at the tracklisting, doesn’t it seem like we heard half of Kelly Rowland’s Here I Am last year?

20. Isn’t it time we foreclose on the home that keeps renting out Marvin’s room?

I Need Answers

1. Why does every artist fan group feel as if it needs a nickname?

2. When will people realize that knowing more than seven words and having an Internet connection doesn’t make you a philosopher?

3. Can someone tell these press outlets that there really is no longer a point to continue lying to us that Britney Spears is “dancing more” and/or “performing harder than she ever has before?”

4. When will rappers stop creating hooks that sound like they want to make a cameo on Glee?

5. Can you believe more than one network turned down the brilliance that is Braxton Family Values?

6. Was Songs in A Minor so good that it required a 10^th anniversary special edition release?

7. 1. Wyd? 2. idk u? 3. pyt 4. swv. 5. I’ll ttyl. 6. k.

How fucking lazy does one have to be to type like this?

8. Though this sight make might the owner of Kim’s Beauty Supply soil his pants, do you think this image would give Smokey the Bear a stroke?

9. Regardless of the state of her uterus, did anyone actually expect Lauryn Hill to drop an album anytime soon?

10. Did Evelyn Lozada smash their men, too?

11. How much longer do I have to hear about Anthony Weiner’s Oscar Meyer?

12. Can someone let the writers and producers of Single Ladies know that we no longer say phrases like, “Kicked him to the curb?”

13. Even if I were the only person who watched it, can Centric please bring back Model City?

14. Isn’t Rihanna the perfect example of how a celebrity should use Twitter?

15. How many singles is Lloyd going to release before his album comes out?

16. And who might this African queen be?

17. When did we all get so caught up on the business end of music as if we actually make any money off these ringtone sales?

18. Do the gay men and women helping perpetuate the gay and female stereotypes about Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh really how sad that makes them look?

19. How can anyone be surprised that Kim Kardashian found an athlete to marry?

20. Why is the Ultimate Warrior shading Hulk Hogan like he snuck into his tights and didn’t keep his promise to call the next day?

I Need Answers

1. Is Fonzworth Bentley for real with his dreams of rap stardom?

2. With all of that extra hair on both his face and head, doesn’t Drake look like biracial Herman Munster?

3.  When Miguel’s lovely voice croons about how that pussy is his, is he referring to the pussy that used to chase down The Rescue Rangers?

4. Why don’t Britney Spears’ legs move anymore?

5. What in the 1995 font flavored hell is Lady GaGa’s album cover supposed to mean?

6. Shouldn’t the American news media and public have climaxed on its Disney-inspired princess fetish and move on from all the royal wedding coverage by now?

7. Is there no greater example of why some behind the scenes people need to stay there than Sean Garrett’s solo career?

8.  We can’t clean our rooms before we South Dallas Swag anymore?

9. To those of you lusting after Diggy Simmons and Justin Combs: Ya’ll do know Chris Hansen is just waiting for you to slip up, right?

10. Even if it ultimately proves itself to be a big hit, doesn’t it kind of suck for Christina Aguilera to need a judge a reality show for relevance?

11. How many more banal pseudo self-help celebrity self-help books can we expect by year’s end?

12. Has Kanye West given up on My Dark Twisted Fantasy?

13. Don’t you Beyoncé deniers filling up my comments section realize you’re going to end up with chicken grease on your face…again?

14. Why does Oprah want to hurt me?

15. Can someone alert Jennifer Hudson that we wouldn’t think she was shading Beyoncé and Rihanna in interviews if she would stop shading Beyoncé and Rihanna in interviews?

16. Will Popeye’s please get rid of Annie and her fake ass Louisiana accent already?

17. I’m not particularly bothered by this, are you?

18. Despite this being touted as a back and forth war of words, has Spike Lee actually said anything directly about Tyler Perry publicly since the first ‘round of comments back in December 2009?

19. So the seabiscuit on the scalp look is what’s hot in the streets now?

20. With gentleman like Soulja Boy around, how can anyone say romance is dead?

I Need Answers

1. Shouldn’t ass shots and butt pads come with an instruction manual so people know how to properly toot their newly purchased booties?

2. Since it’s obvious that Britney Spears refuses to perform at the level we’re used to, can we get Heather Morris to do all future performances on her behalf?

3. Aren’t you happy that Teedra Moses finally scored a major record deal?

4. Doesn’t La Toya Jackson often dress like she’s ready to step up on stage and ask the children of the world if they can feel it?

5. Is Elgin Charles supposed to be Steve Harvey after hormone shots?

6. Who told Ricky Martin that he had to change the wardrobe hanging in his closet after he hopped out of it?

7. So basically Somaya Reece is like, “What if Charo had a granddaughter in a gang?”

8. Anyone else hoping to be adopted by Kris Jenner?

9. Is there anything funnier on TV than Fashion Police?

10. Can someone explain to that Baloo from The Jungle Book looking somebody (commonly known as NeNe Leakes) that being loud and bitchy doesn’t work on every program?

11. Does anyone actually believe Popeye’s spokeswoman “Annie” and that fake accent of hers are from New Orleans?

12. After hearing Tamar Braxton speak does it become a little easier to see how her solo career never took off like it should have?

13.  Where has she been all my life?

14. Have you ever been happier for someone turning 21?

15. Will you all stop helping these celebrities think they can jock Dear Abbey and get away with it?

16. Are you ready for #beyseason?

17. Who would win a dance off between Wendy Williams and Artie from Glee?

18. How much longer do we have to bear with fashionista rap?

19. Has anyone else already blocked out the “S&M (Remix)?”

20. My birthday was on Tuesday. Y’all know it’s not too late to drop some pennies plus in the PayPal, right?