I Need Answers

1. How many more “I dislike Beyoncé” pieces does the Internet need and isn’t it hard not to laugh at the mentally-challenged writers behind them?

2. Why do men like Ray J insist on behaving like they piss with a pinky finger versus a python?

3. Can someone inform Ms. Drama of VH1′s The Gossip Game that we already had a Tiffany Pollard and one was enough? Ditto for Married To Medicine’s Mariah, and her spirit animal, Tamar Braxton mid-tantrum?

4. How hard did Martin Luther King Jr. have to hold Harriet Tubman back from leaving the gates of heaven to go upside LL Cool J’s head?

5. Isn’t Chris Brown singing “I’m not dangerous” kinda like R. Kelly boasting about his love of older women?

6. What is it with Miguel talking about Frank Ocean as if dude stole his ruby red slippers?

7. Who gave Eve the impression that pop tunes was the way to go for achieving a rap comeback in 2013?

8. Isn’t Young Jeezy’s “R.I.P.” the best example of “old nigga rap” in a while?

9. How old is too old to bop down to the OMG Girlz?

10. So I’m guessing another major reshuffle is due for Love and Hip Hop: New Jersey New York?

11. Will someone explain to that cross-dressing, mommy-issue suffering, sexually repressed, judgmental, bullshit ass Tyler Perry that HIV is not nor should it be sold to the masses as punishment?

12. Doesn’t it feel like R&B female singers – minus the ones singing about cocoa butter anyway – are due for an awesome year?

13. Has Keyshia Cole been going through Nicki Minaj’s Goodwill box for tour costume ideas?

14. Can someone give me the email address to Ciara’s speech coach? I have some hate mail to send. Live from the land of Valley Girls.

15. Between Derek J slamming natural hair and A$AP Rocky offending Black women over their preferred shade of lipstick, how about fashion queens far and wide start thinking a wee bit more before they speak?

16. Did Lauryn Hill figure out a tax back plan with Uncle Sam or is she still due to become the host for Def Prison Poetry for the next three to five years?

17. Should I expect American Idol contestant Candice Glover to become like Fantasia, minus the baby mama anthems, illiteracy, and married boyfriends?

18. Why does it seem like I have more frequent birthdays (ahem, it’s today) than new episodes of Scandal?

19. Isn’t T.I. and Tiny: A Family Hustle more like trap Beverly Hillbillies than it is a nouveau Cosby Show?

20. Brother, can you spare a new Beyoncé single?

I Need Answers

1. Between the media coverage about her lip syncing and now her cursing, do you think Beyoncé is somewhere wondering, “Where in the fuck have these clueless bitches been and are they that bored?”

2. Did Justin Timberlake put a box of Just For Me in his head?

3. How did two hair stylists end up hosting a show that is to Fashion Police what Mr. Cola is to Coca Cola?

4. Why is Eric Benet doing songs with 2 Chainz?

5. Do we need trailers for free shit, though?

6. Can we end lyric videos while we’re at it?

7. Were each of the following too busy to participate in the “Pour It Up” remix: Nicki Minaj, Azealia Banks, Brianna Perry, Nyemiah Supreme, Iggy Azalea, Missy Elliott & Sharaya J?

8. Was the treatment of this video basically let Robin Thicke and Pharrell stand around as T.I. dances like he’s ready to say at any second, “I’m coming home, Elizabeth?”

9. What time is Lil’ Wayne’s intervention?

10. Isn’t Jay-Z doing a remarkable job of attaching himself to the hottest folks out to maintain his own cultural relevancy?

11. What’s good on that new album, Janelle Monáe?

12. Is Jada Pinkett Smith using these faux deep Facebook postings to secure a book deal or something?

13. Yo, want to do me a favor and tell your folks on that social media wisdom kick to shut the fuck up?

14. With word that she’s worked with Pharrell, Mike Will Made It, plus Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, will we finally get an all around great album from Kelly Rowland?

15. Why are people still doing those Harlem Fake videos?

16. How can I get La Toya Jackson’s giggle to be my text message alert?

17. Will someone explain to Keyshia Cole that she is way too Ralph Tresvant to tweet like Yung Rupunxel?

18. Does anyone else worry that if they keep watching the new season of Braxton Family Values they’re going to end up having a heart attack due to the sisters’ saltiness over Tamar Braxton’s success?

19. See what you’ve started, Mary Mary?

20. Girl, what?

I Need Answers

1. Will pop culture ever fill its Valtrex prescription to relieve some of the symptoms stemming from this family?

2. How can anyone with Colin Kaepernick as a teammate not understand the source, beauty, and upside of homosexuality?

3. Is Draya Michelle a t-shirt maker or madame?

4. How can one keep calm with so many of these stupid graphics ruining my social media feeds?

5. Can everyone please stop describing their average ass behavior as signs of bipolar disorder?

6. Can we get another gorgeous multi-talented woman of this hue back on the covers of these kind of magazines please (plus varying other shades, naturally)?

7. Are we sure Lionel Richie isn’t Ludacris’ daddy?

8. When is Miguel going to get that mug splattered across a box of perm?

9. Can Rihanna and Chris Brown please stop talking about their codependency?

10. Times may be hard, but couldn’t T-Boz have tapped one of those graphic geniuses who used to populate CyberTLC to do her a solid and give her a real single cover?

11. R. Kelly might not be shit, but those classics still go, don’t they?

12. Will the mainstream press ever stop instantly referring to any famous Black man who makes music as a rapper?

13. Did it ever occur to some of these media folks that perhaps Hillary Clinton is annoyed by all the constant chatter about a presidential race years away?

14. As hilarious as this is, isn’t it still annoying how much this was blew out of proportion by a bunch of lazy, pressed “journalists?”

15. Drake has a new single dropping this month: Ready to get into your feelings?

16. Who knew Robin Thicke was going to end up the best part of The Real Husbands of Hollywood?

17. Should anyone be surprised at how much the NRA has in common with trap rappers?

18. Before Manti Te’o's “girlfriend” goes away, can someone inform him that you don’t “recover” from homosexuality, you can only try to force suppression?

19. Why do y’all do Michelle Williams so dirty?: http://poormichelle.com/

20. Guess who just found out one his essays became required reading for a course at Harvard?

I Need Answers

1. Now that Kelly Rowland has released a new single, it’ll only be a short while now before Beyoncé drops her new song, yes?

2. Do you think VH1 has already offered Shawty Lo another chance at reality television?

3. Did Mandeecees’ mama really name him Mandeecees?

4. I don’t care if she remixes it to “Obama On Fire,” can someone inform Alicia Keys that she must stop trying to make “Girl On Fire” a thing?

Lol. No more singles! Album not selling good enough.RT @amerikanskitzo: Okkkkkay @keyshiacole im waiting for some … tmi.me/HCCEI

— Keyshia Cole Gibson (@KeyshiaCole) January 21, 2013

5. Can y’all go buy Keyshia Cole’s latest album so she can release “Hey Sexy?”

6. See why apologies and paying people on time matters?

7. Does André 3000 realize how hurtful he is with his constant reminders that OutKast isn’t coming back?

8. When is someone going to tell Chris Brown to stop walking around looking like he’s on that Heisenberg?

9. Who is responsible for booking Lupe “Obama Is A Terrorist, Plus I Don’t Vote” Fiasco for an Inaugural Ball?

10. Why am I not surprised Keri Hilson said the following: “Don’t get too wrapped up in baby world that you forget about Keri Hilson because we make great music together so let’s do it?”

11. How has Erica Mena managed to go through life without wearing a straight jacket and catching a weekly fade?

12. At least Robert Kardashian knows, right?

13. Do some of the people upset about Kanye West knocking up his longtime fetish realize that he was never going to produce anything for their uterus — real or imagined?

14. Am I supposed to not see through this habit of screencapping people who ‘like’ your photos as just another way for people to virtually masturbate?

16. Considering that even with declining ratings it’s still the top show of its format (as opposed to where she is musically), isn’t it a bit odd for Jennifer Hudson to be suggesting to American Idol that they bow out now?

17. Can people stop with these cut and paste posthumous Aaliyah releases?

18. So I am to believe that Manti Teʻo never thought to Facetime his virtual girlfriend at least once so he knew it was real?

19. You understand why Nicki Minaj cursed out Mariah Carey now, don’t you?

20. Can you guess what was Chuck Schumer’s favorite moment from Inauguration?

I Need Answers

1. If I launch a Kickstarter for a Mike Will beat, will you contribute?

2. How many 40-year-old rappers do you think are mad as hell they aren’t Juicy J right now?

3. No really, can we get André 3000 to jump on  a track with Big Boi?

4. Can you imagine the shade fest going on in the afterlife amongst all the famous dead people over these piss-ass biopic castings?

5. If you’re going to appropriate Black culture, must you strip all the evidence away?

6. As hot as Unapologetic is, isn’t it disappointing that it’s best performances will come courtesy of high school parties and gay clubs versus its creator?

7. Can someone inform Chris Brown that he increasingly giving fried egg in the pan to illustrate your brain on drugs realness?

8. Obviously, news of a Beyoncé HBO documentary is exciting, but who else fears she’s about to show is the same footage she’s been sharing since 1998?

9. Who hurt you, Nicki?

10. So this is supposed to be Solange’s channel ORANGE?

11. Can Drake’s OVO label sign l JoJo and save her from the record company blocking her potential for greater success?

12. Is this not the all-time best performance of “All I Want For Christmas?”

13. Anyone else tired of reading musings about Willow Smith’s fade?

14. Has anyone noticed how little people are talking about Alicia Keys’ new album?

15. I know that ass anywhere, but Harpo, whose hue is that on Trina?

16. Can someone hand Rob Kardashian his spine and help him reattach both that and his dick so he can stop showing his ass on Twitter?

17. Doesn’t Marsha Ambrosius’ new single sound like “Climax” if it were sang inside of a haunted house?

The rockstars used to be the pastors and teachers in our community. Who are the rockstars now? #BETDontSleep

— TJ Holmes (@tjholmes) November 29, 2012

18. When trying to go deep falls in the kiddie pool?

19. Was Frank Ocean a publicist in his former life?

20. What are the chances of someone in the mainstream press openly questioning the dating habits of 22-year-old Taylor Swift, who at this rate, has been linked to three separate men at the age of 18 although each before they turned legal?

Bonus: Is hell still hot?

I Need Answers

1. Who would’ve thought that Baloo would make it this far and become the country Nell Carter?

2. Why do I get the feeling that Miguel is going to spend much of his career trying to convince us that pussy is his?

3. Isn’t it interesting how gay Black male vernacular is everywhere yet the behind it all, not so much?

4. Don’t y’all know it’s time to cut this out?

5. Under all her wealth, wisdom, and hair she swears isn’t a weave, is Oprah hiding a few feathers?

RELATED: I Need Answers, October 2012

6. Why would anyone spend $250 for an album full of songs sang by Rihanna?

7. Should Brandy have given reality TV another go?

8. What’s cornier: Drake’s screen name or his coat made of Chewbacca?

9. Evelyn Lozada is dead set on being hated, huh?

10. As it relates to trying to maintain nominal levels of fame, is Neffe now the little engine that shouldn’t?

11. If your claim to fame was something that happened in 1993, isn’t it time to abdicate your “I Can Be A Bitch Just Because…” crown?

12. Why is Diamond acting like she’s too good for Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta again?

13. Will someone please explain to Debra Lee that just because a given show isn’t showing anything but ass cheeks that it doesn’t automatically deserve applause?

14. Can select BET critics stop pretending that Uncut was on all day, everyday at one point and that the network hasn’t at least tried to diversify is content in the last several years?

15. Instead of publicly bitching about how “angry” Black women appear to them, can the men of D.L. Hughley’s ilk at least bother to figure out why that is versus being a stereotype pusher?

P.S. Who hurt you, D.L.?

16. Will Donald Trump ever shut his stupid ass the hell up?

17. Despite whatever these hack-happy political pundits are saying to fill up space and collect a check, haven’t we seen enough clues to conclude that Mitt Romney is about to catch the electoral fade?

18. Should Zoe Saldana go ahead and call Flex Alexander now to get a preview of her future?

MORE: Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone? Not Even Half the Problem

19. What happened, Mya?

20. Which circle of hell should this sum’bitch go to?

MORE?: I Need Answers, November 2011

I Need Answers

1. Have you seen anything more frightening?

2. May I have a do over on the previous question?

3. Even if it’s Justin Bieber, why would anyone willfully choose to watch a person vomit?

4. If one can’t spell “being the baddest bitch alive,” can that person truly ever become the “baddest bitch alive?”

5. As admirable as Jay-Z’s transition from drug dealer to rapper to rapper who regularly frolics with the wealthy granddaddies of the people who helped make him rich, why do so many feel every other emcee has to live up to that standard?

6. Aren’t the youth of Chicago are an interesting bunch?

7. How many years is Mariah Carey going to make us wait for her album of jazz standards?

8. When Christina Aguilera says of her weight gain “I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl.” is she aware that Ecuadorians are as equally able to run laps like the rest of us?

9. With Tiny securing a late night talk show on VH1 and NeNe Leakes taking meetings for one during daytime, how many speech pathologists are on the verge of slashing their wrists?

10. Is Rasheeda gonna let Jackie Christie shit on “Marry Me” like this?

11. A deal is a deal so long as it’s seasoned?

12. Chris Brown, Usher, and Trey Songz let Miguel and Frank Ocean steal their buzz, ha? Those dudes don’t even pop lock and thug posture, ha? And don’t they have less of a marketing budget, ha?

13. Who might Lauryn Hill hate more these days: Uncle Sam or Wyclef Jean?

14. We’ll take it?

15. As selfish as it sounds, weren’t you, too, just a wee bit too happy to find out that Beyoncé wasn’t pregnant again because you’re so pressed for a new album and tour?

16. What have you done for the ratchets lately?

17. Can someone put in a good word for David Gregory with the producers of So You Think You Can Dance so he can go host that show and NBC can save Meet The Press?

18. How can Anderson Cooper berate Teresa Guidice as a petty bully and continue to declare his love of NeNe Leakes?

19a. So if your man doesn’t care to ask you about your snacks, you shouldn’t give him your cookie?

19b. What the entire fuck, yo?

20. Do you know how displeased Ann Romney is going to be with America after November 6?

I Need Answers

1. Why would I want Iyanla Vanzant to fix my life when Oprah had to fix hers twice?

2. As understandable as it is for Drake to want to wear clothes that show off his new, fitter body, can Drake give Samantha Jones the top to her pajamas set back and try again?

3. Which one of the gods’ genitals do I have to gnaw on to get this trend of rappers jumping on every single R&B single to stop already?

4. If we can’t agree on what Chris Brown’s latest tattoo is, can we shoot for an accord that most of Chris Brown’s tattoos look terrible?

5. Years ago, DMX used to stop random people on the street and ask them to join him in group prayer. After watching this clip, isn’t it time for him to go back to that?

6. So when are Toni and Tamar Braxton releasing “Dingaling of Gold” to iTunes?

7. Can someone tell Cee-Lo to cut this shit out already?

8. Don’t we need Dawn Richard’s solo career to become a bigger deal already?

9. Fuck wrong with Chuck Norris, yo?

10. So basically Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the over sharers the gossip world wanted Beyoncé and Jay-Z to be, right?

11. Admit it, you already miss Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, don’t you?

12. Is Ginuwine being cut a check for this?

13. Who knew Britney Spears was a shade samurai? (LOVE YOU, BRITNEY!)

14. Has 2 Chainz reinvigorated your over 35 daddy, uncle, cousin’s dreams of a rap career?

15. Does Amerie look at Jheno Aiko and wonder, “Can we, can we go, can we go back to where love is?”

16. Rick Santorum recently said about being a [social] conservative:

“We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

East Coast, where you at? Can he get a hand clap? West coast, where you at? Can he get a hand clap?

“Making love and images of your kids start popping up in your mind cause you love being in there so much…..”

17. Explain to me why Tyrese is about to be a two-time New York Times bestselling author again?

18. Even if I agree, why does it matter if most Americans think President Obama would give Mitt Romney the fade?

19. Isn’t it wonderful to see NFL players advocate my right to marry Matt Kemp?

20. While I enjoy Big Sean, who else hears him say “B-I-G” on a record and think:

?

I Need Answers

1. Drake has Aaliyah’s face tattooed on his back and now he’s added her birthday on him. On a scale from Belieber to Yolanda Saldivar what’s his stan number?

2. As excited as I am about Beyoncé planning to release a documentary, does anyone else want Rihanna to stop playing and offer her generation’s answer to Madonna’s Truth or Dare already?

3. When Mariah Carey sings “get ‘em, get ‘em” on her single, is she talking about her missing verses on the song? (Love you always, Mariah.)

4. Do the people claiming Frank Ocean’s fanfare is rooted in him saying he was in love with a dude realize that the Frank Ocean fan train started boarding more than a year ago?

5. Thank you so much Oprah Winfrey for the series order, but universe, what took you so long to give La Toya Jackson a reality show?

6. Does Snoop Dogg actually expect us to start calling him Snoop Lion?

7. Remember when Ludacris had much better songs than this?

8. Will someone tell Nicki Minaj that Azealia Banks is not another Keyz The Problem?

9. Shouldn’t JoJo and her handlers allow her to fulfill her destiny as the grandniece of Teena Marie?

10. Is there really any point in bringing back the other version of Love & Hip Hop?

11. Why even bother continuing to pretend that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian aren’t absolutely perfect for each other?

12. If Kyle and Kendal Jenner can co-author a sci-fi teen novel, what’s stopping Bruce Jenner from starting a new career as a coke rapper?

13. Who else was left speechless at Lil’ Wayne’s announcement that he was taking a break from rapping to focus on skating?

14. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to beat Mariah Carey in Words with Friends?

15. If Jennifer Lopez can crawl out of the abyss that became of her music career and make hits again, what’s stopping Janet Jackson?

16. How much longer is Trade Trey Songz going to keep up this Thug & B bit?

17. Considering that no one can play a character better than him right now, is Rick Ross the Meryl Streep of rap? (No shade and stuff.)

18. Do people actually care about Ryan Locke’s interview skills given…everything else?

19. Can your cousins get the hell out of Gabby Douglas’ head?

20. Who wants a lesson on stereotypes from the star of Buppies and Love That Girl?

I Need Answers

1. So does the failure of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter mean Malcolm X: Goblin Grabber is on hold?

2. Isn’t it great that Keyshia Cole is back to “fuck that nigga” R&B?

3. What ever happened to Vivian Green?

4. 1000+ temp records were broken last week and I’m to still believe that global warming remains a figment of liberal imagination?

5. Has Kelly Rowland finally realized that her ticket to success is freaky R&B and Destiny Fulfilled-era love songs?

6. Who convinced Tamar Braxton that it was good idea to look like the lead guitar player of The Muppet Show’s house band, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem?

7. Will you pray for you’re the child stars of today so YouTube won’t be their tomorrow?

8. Can anyone else out there say they have performed “Watch ‘n Learn” with more enthusiasm on the elliptical than Rihanna did on that stage?

9. Can you go get at rehab again, dog?

10. Under Chris Brown’s own logic, if Drake is a pussy for throwing bottles, what is he for dissing Aubrey about his eyebrows…and you know, that ofter stuff?

11. This video was touted as “A Love Story for the New Age.” What exactly is new about it?*

* Money and interracial couples are not appropriate answers given neither are especially new for 2012.

12. If you really think about it, thus far we’ve had a pretty good year in music, no?

13. Now that Katie Holmes has completed the terms of her contract, what will she do next?

14. Does this gorgeous creation of God realize that he now works for BET, the network that gives us situational comedies featuring 40-year-old women fighting in the club and irresponsible inferences such as abortion causes infertility?

15. Is anyone else hoping that Lauryn Hill doesn’t end up jail if for no other reason than her pretentiousness would make her the worst “political prisoner” ever?

16. Isn’t Azealia Banks basically, “What if Foxy Brown took her meds?”

17. “Ooh, I’m so different” behaving or not, hasn’t Miguel realized many of the best R&B cuts of 2012 thus far?

18. So is Elle Varner like commercial Cree Summer?

19. Didn’t HBO’s Girls turn out pretty damn good?

20. How close is T.I. sharing a coconut tree with 50 Cent and Nelly on the Island of Kinda Irrelevant Now Rappers?