I Need Answers

1. So who’s going to teach me how to do the South Dallas Swag?

2. Should Robert Townsend be afraid now that the Golden Lords have found a new leader?

3. Why wasn’t anyone told Foxy Brown that colored contacts on colored folk ain’t the move for 2011?

4. If we’re going to call on Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Usher and 50 Cent to donate the money they made from Qaddafi to charity, are we going to return the favor over the people our government killed for cheap gas?

5. Why won’t Lil’ Kim just refill her prescription and go back to school?

6. How long before Charlie Sheen’s white privilege is taken away & he’s reminded of his real last name?

7. Can someone explain the “Born This Way” video to me? Slowly.

8a.  After reading Louis Farrakhan’s comments that Rihanna’s performances are “filthy” and that her fans along with gays are both gays “swine,” does anyone else hope that the next time the minister gets his hair fried, dyed, & laid to the side, the beautician sneaks some pork grease in there?

8b. How can he call Rihanna “filthy” but then pose with Karrine Steffans with a big ass grin on his face?

9. Why don’t your cousins still know that Moscato isn’t supposed to be consumed with spicy Cajun wings?

10. So Matthew Morrison is serious about this solo career thing?

11. While I have no qualms over being mad at ‘the man,’ but can anyone actually name a black film and/or performance that deserved an Academy Award nomination this year?

12. Wouldn’t you rather watch Madea Finally Gets Dementia instead?

13. As great as Adele’s voice is, does anyone else listen to her and think, “Damn, I miss Amy Winehouse?”

14. Shouldn’t the black comedies on TV actually make you laugh?

15. Is Twitter not the best thing to ever happen to Rihanna’s public profile?

16. Can OWN be on air longer than an hour before Oprah Winfrey’s critics dismiss it as a failure?

17. Speaking of failures, why would Ciara purposely start beef with a much more popular singer for press?

18. What’s taking so long for your copy of Black Friday to arrive?

19. Wherever Raz-B is sitting quietly, don’t you hope he stays his ass right there?

20. Is it #beyseason yet?

I Need Answers

1. Who else could give two shits about what Chilli wants?

2. Who will win the fight between NeNe Leakes and Star Jones on Celebrity Apprentice? Michelle Obama?

3. What’s the point of Natalie Nunn bashing Amber Rose for not having a college degree when her claim to ‘fame’ stems from her appearance on one of the dumbest shows on television?

4. Can we get someone from the Image Awards nominating committee to explain what Justin Timberlake’s role in The Social Network has to do with the advancement of colored people?

5. Isn’t Lady GaGa basically, “What if Madonna used focus groups?”

6. How long before Carol Moseley Braun makes “Run Up Get Done Up” her official campaign song?

7. Which circle of hell do you think the people who recorded Whitney Houston singing at Bobby Brown’s mama’s funeral will go to?

8. Even if he’s practically a walking watermelon seed, does anyone else think that Flavor Flav’s fried chicken is probably good as hell?

9. How much longer is Keri Hilson going to perform “Pretty Girl Rock?”

10. Why is Uncle Usher dancing so much like Sherman Hemsley lately?

11. As much as I loved Rihanna’s “S&M” video, isn’t it amazing how much shit Perez Hilton talks – especially about black artists – and still gets rewarded?

12. Why were y’all ever down for relationship advice from Mr. Hightower anyway?

13. Yeah, we all adore Betty White but can we keep Joan Rivers forever, too?

14. Don’t you wish some of your cousins let go of this messianic view of President Obama?

15. Why do I get the feeling the posters will be the best thing about Madea’s Big Happy Family?

16. Why doesn’t Vybez Cartel understand that there’s no point in bleaching your skin if it results in you looking like you starred in The Nightmare Before Christmas?

17. Cute as she may be, isn’t Kim Kardashian appearing at the SAG Awards kind of like Al Sharpton doing the benediction at the next Klan rally?

18. If Egypt didn’t have oil, wouldn’t the current national conversation about the country still be stuck on whether or not Angelina Jolie is going to do Cleopatra?

19. At this point if Britney Spears doesn’t decide to really dance again, should we just accept her new life as the long lost twin of the second version of Becky Conner?

20. Has Lauryn Hill made it to the stage yet?

I Need Answers

1. Could someone explain to Foxy Minaj Brown that a female rapper – an aging one at that – using the word faggot is about as smart as giving the president of PETA a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse on her birthday?

2. Is anyone else hoping that we’ll get a side-by-side shot of Lil’ Kim and LaToya Jackson sometime in the near future?

3. Even though it was an obvious fake press release, who else read the story about Omarion being bisexual and shrugged, “And water is still wet?”

Bonus: Does asking that question totally nix my chances of having sex with him?

4.  Can someone go ahead and rent Girl, Interrupted for Raz-B so we can get the rehabilitation process started already?

5. Now that her debut album is certified platinum, what do you Nicki Minaj naysayers have to say for yourselves now?

6. If you don’t know much about Lil’ Boosie should you be allowed to use the word “ratchet?”

7. Must Jennifer Hudson always scream at us?

8. How much more will it take to get Team Breezy to stage a Twittervention for Chris Brown?

9. When Lauryn Hill tells the crowd that it’s okay to wait three days to see her perform, do you think God is somewhere thinking, “Bitch, get out of my seat?”

10. She’s a cute girl, but who else thinks it would do Royce Reed some good if she went playing in her sister Lisa Turtle’s closet?

11. How can people not love Camille Grammer?

12. At this point wouldn’t it be great if Chilli just started an account on blackpeoplemeet.com and called it a day (thanks, Mimi)?

13. Since NeNe Leakes is now an entertainment journalist and Snooki is an author, how much longer will it be before Frankie becomes an op-ed columnist for the New York Times?

14. He seems nice and all, but doesn’t it often seem like Andy Cohen only met black people four months ago?

15. When will black women realize that the likes of Steve Harvey, Hill Harper & Tyrese are only there to profit off their desires, not solve their actual problems?

16. Why don’t we hear about the damaging effects of last year’s oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico anymore?

17. As nicely done as Marsha Ambrosius’ “Far Away” video was, does anyone else worry that the image of two black men kissing means it will never make it on air?

18. Can we please tell Kim Zolciak’s assistant, Sweetie, that’s we’s free nah and that she can change her name to Mo’nique or something?

19. Is Britney Spears ready to really bring it again or will she need a Four Loko for “inspiration?”

20. How much longer do you think Keri Hilson is gonna remind us that she’s pretty?

I Need Answers

1. Is anyone else wondering if a North and South Korean are somewhere now in a joint chat session on Skype going, “Man, this Lil’ Kim/Nicki Minaj beef needs to cool down before something serious happens?”

2. If Katy Perry can score an Album of the Year nomination at the Grammys, can I be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the hell of it?

3. Will Raz-B stop testifying on World Star Hip Hop and go try his luck with a real jury?

4. Now that I have Miguel can I stop trying to force myself to like Bruno Mars?

5. Will Rihanna ever realize that just because she keeps saying anyone who criticizers her is unhappy with themselves that doesn’t make it true?

6. Can someone confirm to me that Lori Petty is indeed still alive so I can let go of my theory that Eminem stole her face and body?

7. Wouldn’t it be nice if those who can’t stand Nicki Minaj shut the fuck up about it already and move on with their lives?

8. Will someone please alert the California music scene that Texas artists created their “new dances” two-three years ago and that it’s okay to come up with their own ideas?

9. Although he’s on track for “redemption” with the ample amount of praise for his new album (deservingly so), will Kanye West find some new and interesting ways to mess up all over again?

10. Has anyone set up a virtual prayer circle to ask God to make sure that illiterate illegal alien Kat Stacks gets sent back to Slutonia yet?

11. Did the Kardashians actually think no one was going to criticize them for their Rush card remix?

12. Doesn’t this posthumous Michael Jackson album seem like a bad idea?

13. Try as he might to make us forget, R. Kelly still sticks out like a urine stain on a pearly white toilet, right?

14. Am I the only one who still can’t confirm if Jason Derulo is a real person?

15. Don’t you miss the days when Katrina Kardashian was simply just da baddest bitch?

16. So Diddy = Pam, Dawn = Keisha, Kaleena = Kima?

17. Why are Mortal Kombat fighters in battle friendlier to each other than Trey Songz is to most interviewers?

18. What’s up with the latest tracks from both Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown sounding like they were recorded on a refurbished BlackBerry?

19. Ever get that feeling that an usher holding a moneybag is standing behind you after you finish reading Monica’s Twitter timeline?

20. In the issue of fairness, can both Raheem DeVaughn and Keri Hilson fall through a trap door?

I Need Answers

1. How many tubes of bleaching cream do you think Lil’ Kim went through after hearing “Roman’s Revenge?”

2. Is Oprah going to interview every damn body related to Michael Jackson before her talk show ends?

3. As cute as she is and as funny as it sounds, tell me people don’t really think Willow Smith is shutting Rihanna down?

4. Considering his awful record in office, why in the fuck does former President Bush claim Kanye West calling him a racist to be the worst moment of his presidency?

5. How do we feel about former President Clinton commenting on Lil’ Wayne’s prison release?

6. Why did Jennifer Hudson have to go and ruin a perfectly good Tamia song?

7. Don’t you wish Usher would rehire Tameka Raymond as his stylist?

8. Even if Pepa sucked the blood out of Justin Bieber, wouldn’t she still be too old for this outfit?

9. How can we properly punish whoever is responsible for letting MC Hammer get in front of a camera again?

10. Why won’t these masochists seek help for their mystery disorder instead of making the rest of us suffer with their Republican votes?

11. Is there anyone who can fake a singing expression better than Jennifer Lopez?

12. If 50 Cent has such an issue with gay men, why is he posing like one?

13. Whose ghost do you have to sleep with to get it to haunt T-Pain for that awful cover of Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T.?”

14. So basically Taylor Swift’s music career can best be described as a burn book set to banal country-leaning pop tunes?

15. Why does Phaedra Parks thinks she’s so much better than everyone else because she buys her catfish at the white grocery store?

16. Has someone finally explained to Christina Aguilera that songs dedicated to her woohoo isn’t the key to success?

17. Doesn’t that new CBS show The Talk come across as The View’s annoying little sister who raids her closet trying to dress like her?

18. Who else finds Boris Kodjoe as stiff as Eddie Long on a boys’ retreat on Undercovers?

19. Will we ever get to see Mathew Knowles’ version of Joh’Vonnie Jackson?

20. Will someone give Raz-B a hug, a therapy sign up sheet and a prescription to Zoloft already?

I Need Answers

1. How many more men do you think will step forward to accuse Bishop Eddie Long of hitting the daddy stroke?

2. Will someone please tell Ciara that she’s sexy so she can stop trying so hard to convince us of such in her videos?

3. Can Raz-B shut the hell up with this bullshit and sign up with Job Corps?

4. Isn’t it time for some of these R&B artists to stop referring to themselves as such until they make actual R&B music?

5. Who else can’t wait for this dance trend in music to end?

6. In the search of Joy Bryant, one wonders: Has Zoe Saldana stole her willowy black girl steeze? (Thanks, Lauren!)

7. As sad as it is to think about it, it’s not really that surprising to find Christine O’Donnell could be become a U.S. Senator, is it?

8. Does anyone else on Earth have larger delusions of grandeur than Karrine Steffans?

9. Aren’t you happy The Real Housewives of Atlanta is back on the air?

10. What took CNN so long to fire Rick Sanchez?

11. Instead of “No Wedding, No Womb” can we make it, “No Sanity, No Internet Access?”

12. Who is responsible for the nonsense that is Real and Chance: Legend Hunters?

13. Can you believe Nelly has a hit in 2010?

14. Will Khloe Kardashian and Fantasia ever stop speaking in that baby voice?

15. Why don’t any of Nicki Minaj’s solo singles include actual rapping?

16. Why does Keri Hilson make it so easy?

17. Why is Trey Songz acting like such a jackass in his most recent interviews?

18. Is Waka Flocka Flame like the Scarecrow of rap, only he could give a less fuck if he ever stumbled his ass over to the Wizard to ask for a favor?

19. No really, why is Antoine Dodson still around?

20. Forgive me, this area isn’t my forte but is Kat Stacks’ vagina supposed to look like London bridges falling down?

I Need Answers

1. Does anyone else now have a greater appreciation for Britney Spears’ performance at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards?

2. Why is The Game aggressively humping on this girl like he’s hopped up on Viagra and True Blood?

3. Would anyone be surprised if he turned out to be a repressed bottom?

4. Can someone let the music artists of today know that not everyone needs a mixtape?

5. Isn’t so nice to see LeToya getting along with both Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams?

6. How can people continue to deny Nicki Minaj?

7. Didn’t NeNe tell people to close their legs to married men?

8. As much as I’d love for that pathetic, sad whore, Kat Stacks to go away, wouldn’t another person just like her pop up 20 minutes after she vanished?

9. Speaking of that celebrity cum catcher, if Kat Stacks could actually form a coherent sentence she would be a New York Times best-selling author now, huh?

10. Was this song particularly created for Dallas, New Orleans, and Detroit because I can’t think of anyone else this geeked about Coogi?

11. Is Katy Perry to Lady GaGa what Ashanti once was to Beyonce?

12. Are ya’ll up on K. Michelle yet?

13.  Doesn’t Bobby Valentine look ready to go pride weekend cruising in Atlanta?

14. Can you believe that this is really the last season of The Oprah Winfrey Show?

15. Instead of putting out bullshit campaign ads that no one with a clue actually takes seriously, shouldn’t BP use that money for their paltry clean up efforts?

16. But why does that Justin Bieber with Kanye & Raekwon kind of knock, though?

17. Who’s going to convince T.I. or Chris Brown to hire a speech coach before each does their next movie?

18. How much longer will President Obama keep up this ‘too cool’ temperament act up before he realizes it often does more harm than good?

19. Can Betty White stay with us forever?

20. How often do you go on a celebrity blog and say to yourself, “Who in the fuck are these people?!”

I Need Answers

1. Isn’t Lady GaGa pop music’s answer to Black Israelites? You know, willing to do and say anything to get you to stop and listen to her?

2. Who else hates being referred to by their Twitter name in public?

3. How much longer do we have before they commit Foxy Brown’s crazy ass?

4. What qualifies Wyclef Jean to be president of a country?

5. Anyone else reserving giddiness over this Lauryn Hill “comeback” out of fear she’ll return to Saturn by mid-October?

6. Do any of you even remember Christina Aguilera’s album anymore?

7. No, really why do people like “Pretty Boy Swag?”

8. When is Beyoncé coming back to me already?

9.Does anyone give a damn about the marital statuses of Chelsea Clinton and Bristol Palin?

10. Why is Nelly still even trying to release music?

11. Unless Justin Bieber is sharing the gut-wrenching tale of how Ellen DeGeneres’ secret semen led to his creation, what can you really learn from his pending memoir?

12. Aren’t Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens the Bobby and Whitney of reality TV?

13. Will I ever get Nicki Minaj to sign my clavicle?

14. How about someone hurry and introduce Britney Spears to a quick weave?

15. With news that a 20-year-old man dumb ass killed his 17-month old son for “acting like a girl,” when will it seep into folks’ skulls that black hypermasculinity is dangerous?

16. Don’t we already have several shows that fit the description of The Real Babymamas of Atlanta? Do we need another?

17. I’m never going to stop saying, “I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover,” am I?

18. So people really don’t care about the white dress rule at weddings anymore, huh?

19. Did Usher basically just remake “OMG” and “Lil’ Freak” with his two new singles?

20. In the spirit of Nicki Minaj, I’m speaking in a fake accent at least three times a week. Any suggestions?

I Need Answers

1.  Lil’ Kim’s birthday just passed. Have you paid homage?

2. Doesn’t Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend, Scott, look like an 80s villain from Revenge of the Nerds?

3. What the hell is a Dez and why should I care if Mario is (sadly) using it for attention?

4. Has anyone else been disappointed with the final season of The Boondocks?

5. How long before Mel Gibson announces that he’s going to rehab to seek treatment for being a racist and misogynistic jackass?

6. At this rate, would anyone be surprised if McDonalds came up with a new dance to promote a Big Mac?

7. So no one wants to tell Ciara that she needs to give Jazze Phae a call?

8. Is it me or are the strangest things in life always found in a public restroom?

9. Shouldn’t “Make Up Bag” be the national anthem for dontdatehimgirl.com?

10. Is this the new one-stop shop (shout out to New Orleans)?

11. Can we send both the Tea Party and the “new” Black Panthers to some island far, far away from every facet of the media?

12. One day people are going to realize quasi-fame doesn’t necessarily pave the way to a check, right?

13. Does Jesus have to hop on Jay’s next album to convince folks that he’s not apart of some devil worshipping secret task force?

14. Speaking of the Illuminati, given the state of Rihanna’s American tour, is Satan mad at her?

15.  Although the vultures are still swarming around the headquarters of the four major record labels, album wise has 2010 been an OK year in music?

16. Are ya’ll serious with “Pretty Boy Swag?”

17. Even though it’s clearly blown up in her face, why were people so willing to make fun of Mary J. Blige for wanting to go to school?

18. Would people realize that not everything is a sign of the Apocalypse?

19. Are any of the words that come out of Roscoe Dash’s mouth English?

20. Have you supported the wonderful writer and super sweet, Aliya S. King by purchasing her debut novel, Platinum, yet?

I Need Answers

1. Is Keys supposed to be hip-hop’s answer to Yolanda Saldivar?

2. How does one insult another for being a slut and then pose with Lil’ Kim while rocking the Sonny Bono?

3. Is it me or is Ciara really coming back with the heat?

4. Why can’t Britney Spears of all people get a good sew in?

5. How long before Chris Hansen rolls up on the people jocking Lil’ Romeo?

6. Wouldn’t it be best for Whitney Houston to sit down until she can get a sizable fracture of her vocal talent back?

7. Isn’t it way too easy to figure out when a reality show sidekick is doing the most on-air for a spin-off?

8. Where is the video for Monica’s second single?

9. Can your 60-year-old granny throw her legs back like that?

10. Can Queen Latifah take a break from romantic comedies and give us a good action film?

11. Who else has never watched Twilight?

12. Why won’t Chris Brown let Chris Brown be great?

13. Will Miley Cyrus sit her little hot ass down until she’s at least 18?

14. Is there anything lamer than adding a check to your Twitter name to fake verified status?

15. Shouldn’t the first play date between Mashonda and Alicia Keys’ kids be recorded?

16. Has it ever seen odd to you that people who live cities with rats the size of LeBron James have the nerve to utter the phrase, “Dirty South?”

17. Can someone give homegirl something to do?

18. Why do people keep killing celebrities on Twitter?

19. When will folks stop acting like Drake is giving hip-hop estrogen shots?

Disclaimer: The last question is not safe for work.

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