20

Yesterday, one of my all-time favorite albums, janet., turned 20. Despite only being barely nine at the time of its release, this still makes me feel very old. I don’t appreciate that, but what can you do? In any event, I wrote about the album’s 20th anniversary, what it means to be, and more importantly, how I believe it represents a missing part in the world of pop — especially from our current Black girl pop acts.

If you haven’t seen it already, you can click here to read the piece in full over at EBONY.com.

Although I’ve once again turned into a deadbeat dad towards this here blog, I have been writing. A whole lot. Plus apartment hunting in New York, which if you don’t know, is one of the most complicated experiences ever. Oh, how I wish I were rich. Life would be so much easier.

Anyway, more work by me in recent weeks.

I’ve been writing recaps (sort of) of my favorite show, Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta for Complex.com. I’ve also done a few other lists for them, including one about my other favorite soap opera, Scandal. You can click here to thumb through some of what I’ve been doing.

There’s also my EBONY.com column, The Weekly Read. Recent targets include some former Caribbean pop star who swears Jesus endorsed her mayoral bid and Ms. Lauryn Hill. PepsiCo got it, too, and I did manage to sneak something in on Mister Cee. And political sprinkles as always elsewhere.

Yeah, click around for the cause.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go cue up this YouTube clip and do the butterfly. Well, and daydream about Omar Lopez.

Hey, Ms. Hill

Dear Ms. Lauryn Hill:

Did you really say to a judge about your refusal to file tax returns that, “I was put into a system I didn’t know the nature of. … I’m a child of former slaves. I got into an economic paradigm and had that imposed on me.”

And: “I sold 50 million units …now I’m up here paying a tax debt. If that’s not likened to slavery, I don’t know what is.”

With a Gucci bag in tow at that! Lauryn, you are about as much a slave as I am a Xena, Warrior Princess. Frankly, if everyone had to pay taxes on the copy of The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill when they bought it, you may just need to get over yourself and pay taxes on all of the fortune you’ve earned as a result.

Now, as you spend the next three months in prison, and after that, three more on house arrest, I imagine you’ll have all the time in the world to put a lot of things into perspective. I say this with love (if you don’t know, WE LOVE YOU) particularly when it comes to your new music you are contractually obligated to deliver in due time: Please don’t come back singing to us as if you were sent to Guantanamo Bay.

As a matter of fact, before you even get back to music, take some time to truly reflect on the last decade of your life and where some of your actions have brought you. No, you didn’t choose to enter America’s “economic paradigm,” and yes, it was “imposed” on you—as it is on all of us. We all have to deal with life as it is versus the way we want it to be.

Read the rest at EBONY.com.

Who Needs Guidance?

Since I have a penis, I’ve decided that it’s time I start giving unsolicited advice to people in need of guidance and are willing to take it from anyone audacious enough to give it with authority. Speaking of dicks, I’m pretty sure I could film myself walking around holding mine while screaming “I’m playing! I’m playing! I’m playing” and some people will swear on their blood types that I’m not. Ah well. I can’t help the fool, only try to help and if they refuse to listen, point and laugh and move along.

In any event, if you don’t my play cousin, Satire, this new column will make for a great introduction. If you’re already familiar, well, click above and play along, why don’t you? Enjoy, and oh yeah, send questions. C’mon nah, please.

Jackée Clicked It So You Should, Too

The wonderful Jackée was the inspiration behind a recent gallery I wrote for Complex.com, “The Top Former Sitcom Stars on Twitter.” If the above tweet should easily answer why that is. Oh, I just love her.

Even more now that she actually read the gallery and liked it. Now I just need to figure out how I can get her to agree to be my play auntie. While I brainstorm on how to make that come to be, you can read the list here. Some more of my writing can be found below. Read and share, please.

TMI: 20 Celebrities Who’ve Shared Too Much On Social Media (via Complex.com)

The Weekend Made Them Do It: Kanye’s Got Beef With MTV And Anyone Else Who Wants It (via The Shadow League)

The Weekly Read: Dear Terrence Howard… (via EBONY.com)

Do NOT Let The ‘Good Times’ Roll (via EBONY.com)

Oh, But Wait, Keri…

Hey Keri:

Whenever I think about your Twitter mentions, I hear the voice of Marion Gilbert (as played by the divine Diahann Carroll) shouting “DIE! JUST DIE!” at Dwayne Wayne after he interrupted Whitley’s wedding to Byron Douglas to declare his lingering love for her. That’s pretty much a request a sizable group of your online detractors asks of you every other tweet. Suffice to say, I can see why you’ve reached your breaking point (See what I did there? You’re welcome.) and started openly complaining about strangers demanding that you fall into a tar pit.

Those folks are dead wrong for such cruelty, but before we get to them, let us reflect on how your pettiness helped cause this problem.

You already know about the “Turnin’ Me On” remix where you not so subliminally dissed Ciara and Beyoncé, though you claim you didn’t mean it nor was it your idea. Well, whose idea was it to throw in your little digs and insinuations elsewhere? Say, your VIBE cover story where you talked about walking around the Morehouse/Spelman Homecoming without an entourage and security. What was your point in saying “I mean, can you imagine Beyoncé doing this?” as if you didn’t already develop a reputation for hating the ground she twerked on?

By the way, to answer your question, no we can’t once you take her level of fame into account. If Tito Jackson can understand this about Michael, you should grasp that about Beyoncé.

Moving on, what about the time you refused to hold up an issue of Juicy magazine because Beyoncé and Jay-Z were on it? I believe you looked at them and went: “Yeah who’s that? No, I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

But let you tell it, it’s the fault of bloggers and the gullible fools who read them for believing everything they half-read and see online. God bless you and all that, but this is more like your big mouth than anything resembling the myth of Big Foot.

There are other examples of you two-stepping in some mess.

Read more the rest of the latest edition of “The Weekly Read” at EBONY.com.

Sex, Sexuality and Segregation

After being tapped by NASCAR to help plug race car driving to Black audiences, a few NFL owners reached out to 50 Cent to help lead a special project on potential signees Manti Te’o and Nick Kasa. That is, unofficially. The more candid 50 explains, “Yeah, they wanted to know if they were an innie or an outtie. It’s not politically correct or technically legal to ask, but you can’t blame them. This is a business, so you should know whether you’re about to sign gay Jackie Robinson, or Jackée Robinson I should say.”

The rapper turned boxing promoter and perpetual attention hoarder added, “There’s no better way to find out that a man is sexually attracted to women than by presenting a woman in her most purest form: p-poppin’ to Uncle Luke.”

Although it was widely reported that the Notre Dame linebacker’s sexual orientation was questioned at the NFL Combine, Te’o told the New York Post  that wasn’t the case. “No, No,” Te’o rebuffed. “Anything they asked me I answered and answered honestly.”

“That fool [is] lying,” 50 rebuffed. “Of course they asked him. Who goes to a Catholic school and invents a girlfriend alone with all that available sin in close proximity?”

Nick Kasa was more forthright. “Yes, they asked me if I was a Frank Ocean or a Miguel, which I’ve since been told was a trick question.”

Read the rest at The Shadow League.

Plus:

Bill Cosby Says Today’s Republicans Are On Par with Yesterday’s Segregationists (via NewsOne)

Sex-Ed In Kindergarten? (via EBONY.com)

‘Ye’s In Need…

Dear Kanye,

AHHHHH!!!!! RAHH!!!! YAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Apparently, screaming like you’re Lion-O en route for battle with Mumm-Rana is your new thing so I figured it’s best if I greet you accordingly.

You know, Yeezy, many of your fans might be deluding themselves into thinking that your recent onstage volume-high diatribes are instances of you bucking the system, being a free spirit, artistic or some kind of nonsense like that. God bless the believer, but nah, don’t let them enable you.

First off, on you bashing Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z’s “Suit and Tie”: It’s typically considered in poor taste for a peer to publicly bash another. Besides, we all know if Hov hopped on stage and talked about what a huge disappointment Cruel Summer was you would’ve recorded at least six songs bemoaning how much he hurt you: “Lamborghini mercy, I thought my big brother loved me.”

Also, I find quite peculiar how you, man who consistently gets mushy with materialism, suddenly wanted to bash the very sort of mindset that helped make you a millionaire several times over.

Then again, I’m operating under the assumption that you’re in your right frame of mind when offering this commentary, which leads me to this proclamation you made in Paris: “I am Michael Angelo [sic]. I am Basquiat. I am Walt Disney. I am Steve Jobs. Of this music s**t? Please!?”

When I was 13, I walked around telling people – including my own mama – to call me Batman. Why? It felt right to me. I imagine in response my mom kicked up the number of rosaries she said daily out of concern for my well-being.

It may sound fun in your head, but please stop this, especially if you’re going to follow it all up with assaulting a microphone. You are 35.

Shake, Shake, Shake It Off

So I was planning to lead with something else to reference the piece I wrote about the gentrification of the Harlem Shake, but after watching Stephen Colbert jig on beat I obviously had to switch. Look, I still don’t like this fake ass Harlem Shake, but salute to Stephen. In any event, you can check out “Racepalm: That’s Not The Harlem Shake, White People” by clicking here.

Meanwhile, riddle me this: What happens when your popularity goes the way of a Fat Albert F.U.B.U. tee? Click this link to find out why.

More recent links to my work below. Go on, read, please and shit. Thank you.

The Weekly Read: Marco Rubio (via EBONY.com)

The Weekly Read: Dear Michelle Williams Haters… (via EBONY.com)

The World According To Frank Ocean’s Tweets (via Complex.com)

25 Tweets You Are Certain To See About Black History Month (via Complex.com)

And I don’t care if the holiday is done, you can still laugh…shit:

How To Spend Valentine’s Day With Your Social Media Soul Mate (via Complex.com)

15 Ways The Internet Will Help You Survive A Lonely Valentine’s Day (via Complex.com)

Ray Lewis, The Lord, Rhythm & Beef

As Chris Brown awaits word on whether or not Frank Ocean will formally file charges related to their reported fight in and outside of a Los Angeles area studio, this week’s fictional roundtable looks at their Rhythm & Beef, and what if any consequences should the channel ORANGE creator and his “channel RAGE” counterpart face.

Ray Lewis: Before we get into this, can we start off with a prayer?

Colin Kaepernick: Oh, boy.

Bobby Brown: Tom Brady wouldn’t have wanted to lead with a benediction.

Ray Lewis: Yes, yet as the man upstairs will tell you: “I never will take you through hell without bringing you to triumph.”

Bobby Brown: Are you saying that it’s going to be hell having a conversation or what? I’m confused. And before you ask, I’m completely sober this afternoon.

Ray Lewis: What I’m saying is that it’s the God in me, which is why I’m sitting up here now and not your losing-ass quarterback. Now can I get an amen?

Lil’ Wayne: Young Moolah, baby!

Colin Kaepernick: Same difference?

Drake: Speaking of the Lord, I wish he’d answer my prayers and music would find Chris’ replacement already.

Bobby Brown: Ladies and gentleman, MC Spin The Bottle is in the house!

Drake: Watch it. Don’t you want me to sample “Rock Wit’Cha” so you can buy yourself a new ride and relevance?

Bobby Brown: You’re two sarcastic comments away from me misplacing your two front teeth.

LL Cool J: Yo, don’t let that stomach fool you. Bobby’s still got the swing. Now for Canada’s safety, can we get back to Chris Brown being a b!tch?

Bobby Brown: How do we know that Frank Ocean didn’t start the fight, though?

Justin Timberlake: He’s a lover, not a fighter; as opposed to Christopher who is…

LL Cool J: A biter, antagonist, and…

Ray Lewis: …a damn heathen! That Meteor Man villain looking fool compared himself to Jesus the Christ. Not my Jesus! A pop and lock is no match for what my Jesus did for me and my Ravens.

Colin Kaepernick: Well, what he did for you until this Sunday,anyway.

Ray Lewis: Stand back, Satan.

Read the latest Celebrity Roundtable at The Shadow League.

Breezy Reading

Christopher Maurice Brown, why must I always read about you being involved in a fight?

I see that you’ve invoked the passion of the Christ in defense of yourself, but Negro, you’re going to mess around and have God smite thee with all Thy might. And so we’re clear, Jesus, as legend has it, died for our sins so that we could be forgiven and go find out whether or not heaven has a ghetto. He wasn’t crucified for beating up R&B singers, male, female or otherwise.

Okay, enough with the small talk, let’s get to the matter at hand.

Admittedly, there are some discrepancies regarding who started this apparent fight between you and Frank Ocean. Some say you swung first, others claim it was Frank who let his New Orleans out of the cage. I don’t really care who initiated the brawl on this week’s edition of The Real Husbands and Parolees of R&B. I’m more concerned about the lingering pattern here with you.

As much as you hate being reminded of your transgressions, there’s your horrific beating of Rihanna in 2009. Your deadly assault of a Good Morning America window in 2011 inspired by questioning about the aforementioned incident of violence. There’s also that reported scuffle between you and Drake last year, although in your defense, it was apparently Aubrey who channeled Ms. B’Havin’s “Bottle Action.”

Then there are your antics on the Twitter, which is true root of your beef with Frank Ocean. I know parking in LA is a hassle and I’ve been tempted to go oops, upside someone’s head over a stolen spot once or twice, but we both know the issue between you two is bigger than that.

In addition to your social media tiff with Frank, you’ve had Twitter fights with the following: rapper/producer Tyler The Creator, WWE performer CM Punk, country singer Miranda Lambert, walking sob story Raz-B, internet troll Jenny Johnson.

You did not start most of these volatile exchanges, but they each highlight your inability to ignore the nonsense, instead opting to highlight your rage issues. Speaking of, while I’m aware it’s currently trendy to dismiss any constructive criticism as “negativity,” maybe, just maybe it’s time you start listening.

You can read the rest of the latest “The Weekly Read” at EBONY.com.

Plus:

Nicki’s Rockin’ ‘Idol’…Who Knew? (via EBONY.com)

T.I. On Gun Control: ‘If Illegals Have Them, Legals Must Have Them’ (via NewsOne)