Who Gon Check That Clinton, Boo?

This morning certified goon and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appeared on Capitol Hill to testify before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about the September 11, 2012 attacks on the American diplomatic mission at Benghazi. If there’s any basic cable channel that’s comparable to the political theater on display, I’d say the hearing was reminiscent of Bravo on a Sunday night when The Real Housewives of Atlanta was airing. There were side eyes, rolling eyes, yelling, and a few tears from Hillary that illustrated both her remorse and thug passion over the loss of lives in that terrorist attack. However, I get the feeling that at a few points, Hillary wanted to go full VH1 and jump over the table in which she sat — going straight upside the heads of the sucker ass Senators who tried to read her with a book full of blank pages. I don’t blame her: Jerk men are the absolute worst.

For some reason, a few Republicans assumed that Hillary Clinton traveled to Hollywood and learned how to fake a fainting to avoid speaking to them. That’s a testament to their stupidity and delusions of grandeur as it was quite clear from the start of the question and correcting period that Hillary was far more informed than any of the people trying to play her for a fool. Case in point, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.), who attempted to “mansplain” matters to Hillary only to be verbally smacked like the haughty sum’bitch that he is.

Other noteworthy jackasses include the orneriest man in Washington, John “Get The Fuck Off My Lawn, You Bitch” McCain, and Rand Paul, otherwise known as “What a dipshit?” As McCain blabbed out his talking points angrily, Hillary sat there and looked as bored as she could be. Likewise, she smirked as Rand Paul recited the monologue he worked on for several weeks, presumably thinking to herself, “Dear, God. This motherfucker is dumb as the ground I fell on.”

The thankfully not dumb Democratic Senator Dick Durbin amused me by essentially saying in political terms: “Who in the hell are they to try you and Barry, Hill, when only a few years ago were they force-feeding the world fables to start the Iraqi War? Conserve these nuts, conservatives.”

Okay, he didn’t really think that last sentence, but someone on that panel had to have had (likely Barbara Boxer).

All of it reminded me of why I don’t think I can enter political office. Well, not until I reach the “Al Franken” stage of my life anyway. The older I get, the less inclined I am to entertain morons who have no idea of what they’re talking about. I mean, unless they’re signing a check I need to cover a student loan.

Hillary is a trooper, though, and while I maintain that only masochists want to entertain thoughts of the 2016 presidential race this early, I couldn’t help but think to myself while trying to watch the hearing: “Damn, her scream off with Chris Christie is going to be everything.”

Oh yeah: I wrote about Bill O’Reilly opining that President Obama “hates” Republicans because he sees them as the “purveyors of white privilege” over at NewsOne. Click here if interested.

On Colin Powell Trying To Make Sense To The Dense

Former Secretary of State and retired four-star general in the United States Army Colin Powell, own his own accord, used his appearance on this past Sunday’s edition of “Meet the Press” to send a message to his political party: End your “dark vein of intolerance” or ultimately face the same fate as Karl Kani jeans in 2013.

Powell offered numerous examples of the racially charged language employed by members of his party, including the use of terms like “lazy” to describe President Barack Obama’s performance in the first presidential debate of 2012 and that “shuck and jive” quip former Alaskan governor and perpetual village idiot Sarah Palin made via Twitter. Not only did he offer specifics, the 75-year-old statesman who at one point had the chance of becoming the nation’s first Black president in 1996, provided a history lesson on why these terms are offensive.

There have been others equally guilty, say ex-Mississippi governor Haley Barbour who in the past spoke highly of White separatist groups, which prompted Powell to declare to “Meet the Press” host David Gregory, “Why do senior Republican leaders tolerate this kind of discussion within the party?”

For a party that loves to refute accusations of happily harboring racist fringes so long as it suits their political interests with “SEE! SEE! We got this Black, and this Black, and that Latino, and oh, that Black with lady parts!” you’d think they would see their most-accomplished member of color plead with them to elevate themselves and learn a lesson.

Unfortunately, thus far, all we’ve gotten from conservatives is the same old crusty two-step.

Read the rest of the essay at NewsOne.

The Exit Is To Your Left, Thurston

Mitt Romney might not have written a concession speech, but I was asked over the weekend to write pieces in advance of either outcome. Unlike some people, I do whatever a given gig compels me to do. Fortunately, my “What if Mitt Romney won?” essay won’t ever see the light of day because he caught the electoral fade I long anticipated him to do.

That means you get the other one, so here goes:

Thank you, America, for not pissing off the dark and discernible with your penchant for poor decision making.

I’m sure it’s been super fun for the pundits earning their keep by pretending that Mitt Romney might’ve successfully taken his ineptness all the way to the White House, but this glorified reality show has concluded. Romney hasn’t enjoyed a significant lead in any national or swing state poll for any time of note, but we’ve been subjected to countless spin that the race was unpredictable. A close election never negated the reality that the electorate continuously tilted Obama’s way, though, so pundits, it’s time to kiss Nate Silver’s ring.

The former Massachusetts governor’s quest for the White House is officially over, and thank goodness, because the idea of a President Romney always seemed unfathomable.

After all, there’s a reason it took so long for Romney to become the Republican presidential nominee: he’s a terrible politician. This is the same person, who despite having the money, machine, and six straight years of actively pursuing the presidency still almost lost the nomination to the likes of conspiracy spewing crackpot Donald Trump, the goofiest pizza man alive Herman Cain, crazy eyes and even crazier policies Michele Bachmann, Jurassic racist and sometime inaccurate historianNewt Gingrich, and missionary sex should be mandated legally lunatic Rick Santorum.

Romney’s netting the Republican presidential nominee owes more credit to means than skill or appeal.

And when Romney got the nomination, he picked Paul Ryan, the guy Republicans like to portray as a great intellect if for no other reason than he can articulate their plutocratic policies in public without rubbing his hands together and doing an evil chuckle as if he moved forward with his plan to bring Gotham City to its knees.

You can read the rest at NewsOne.

You can also check out my piece, “Good Riddance, Mitt,” over at EBONY.com.

Donald Trump Reminds Me of Herpes

I was assigned to write about a messy political stunt queen named Donald Trump and his latest asinine announcement. Although I’d much rather he’d do us the solid of falling into an abyss somewhere versus compelling people to pay him any mind, the rent must be paid.

Alas:

No one should be this desperate to plug their reality show on NBC.

Yes, he’s White, male, and wealthy, which means he doesn’t have to prove much to get undeserved attention, but at one point do we collectively say, “Trump, is an empty-headed nuisance who should be relegated to crazy man yelling crap on the corner while collecting spare change status?”

Donald Trump is to the media what genital herpes is to the human body.

And while we would all wish that he would just go away permanently — never to pop up on another news station again — unfortunately, Trump behaves like some sort of mutated strain that manages to keep popping up.

Enter today.

I may not be literally scratching in the “love below” area, yet I am scratching the head up top wondering just how much longer the media at large is going to put up with this dude’s attention-whoring antics?  It’s apparent that he’s on that “Effie White” side of life when it comes to his pursuit of publicity. So be it, but can’t we be more stingy when it comes to giving in?

You can read the rest here.

You’re No Good, Off Brand Mr. Schue

Mitt Romney hailed him as an “intellectual leader,” but the more you listen to Paul Ryan the easier it is to see he navigates intellectualism about as well as a deep-sea diver swims through a wad of spit.

Case in point, the “intellectual leader” of the Republican Party telling FOX News anchors that if he bothered to explain the math behind his controversial tax plan “everyone would start changing the channel.” Worse, the vice presidential nominee recently dipped out of an interview with a local reporter in Flint, Michigan after he dared to ask him follow up questions. Perish the thought that a man of Paul’s purported intellect be challenged to use it.

In Paul Ryan’s discussion with ABC12 reporter Terry Camp, the Wisconsin congressman claimed that violent crime in major cities might go down if those languishing in poverty are taught “good discipline” and “good character.”

When asked if this country has a gun problem, Ryan said in response that the matter is a “crime problem” and alleged: “The best thing to help prevent violent crime in the inner cities is to bring opportunity in the inner cities. Is to help teach people good discipline, good character. That is civil society. That is what charities and civic groups and churches do to help one another make sure that they can realize the value in one another.”

Because there are no churches in inner city neighborhoods, right?

Read the rest here.

I Like To Help

Some continue to fight it, but the majority has ruled that President Barack Obama performed about as well in his first debate with Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney as Rick Ross would in a race against Ryan Lochte at a Hilton pool. However, the online panic attacks - i.e., openly questioning whether Obama gave up the entire presidential race in 90 minutes – have been a bit premature to say the least.

As we await the start of the second installment of this brand of political theater, here are five tips the president could use for Tuesday night’s debate.

1. Look like you want to be there this time.

Jon Stewart had a point when he mentioned that Obama’s overall disposition suggested that he would rather be anywhere but at the podium with Mitt Romney‘s newly orange glow in his periphery vision. And for all the critiques about Romney lying the entire time, Stewart noted, “Obama lost even though Romney was lying his ass off the entire night.”

No matter how sentimental you feel about our commander-in-chief, this isn’t a good thing, y’all. It didn’t help that he appeared painfully bored by it all to boot.

Tip: Mr. President, look at Romney when he’s lying to your face; try not to look as if you could fall asleep standing up at a moment’s notice. Don’t let us know how great a waste of time these overproduced, talking-point heavy political expeditions are.

While I agree with you, I’m not the one trying to be president a second time around. If you’re going to hit me up every hour on the hour for my spare change to support your campaign, Mr. President, you’ve got to play along with the rest of us.

Read more here.

I see the line about me giving five dollars to the campaign and wanting a return on my investment. No matter. I’m letting you know now what my creative spirit really said.

Play Your Part

Hell hath no fury like a shady liberal scorned. Judging by this cover, you would think President Obama slouched over the podium the entire time, stumbled over his words, and bored the living hell out of the American public — prompting Mitt Romney to give him a good talking to. It’s so unfair because only one part of that is true. I was assigned to cover the first presidential debate elsewhere, and while I chose to forgo the this person won, that person lost roundabout way of writing about it, I didn’t pretend to be wowed by Obama’s performance. I also opted not to judge that reality as one particulary race altering.

I don’t put too much stock into any forum that calls on someone presumably qualified for any political leadership to explain the role of government in a two minute span. I watch debates for what they are: theater (hence, this post the day before of the debate). They’re kind of like award shows so judging from that prism it’s okay to say that Mitt Romney p-popped like Queen Creole Beyoncé while President Obama gave the nation one of those lazy Rihanna performances where her body imitates an adult relearning how to walk.

I didn’t have a conniption about it the way some of the panelists on MSNBC did the other night. Full disclosure: I enjoyed watching Ed Schultz and Chris Matthews go ape shit. I imagine it’s part of their job description. Lucky.

Similarly, I didn’t set myself to DEFCON1 in defense of the president either. Yes, I think debates are largely superficial and don’t mean much in swaying whatever seven people are keeping reporters busy by pretending they can’t figure out who to vote for. However, as superficial as they are, you’ve got to play your part. I didn’t expect the president to walk across the stage, backhand Mittens’ and say, “Quick lying to the nation, bitch!” Still, it would’ve been nice to see him take that bitch to college, give that bitch some knowledge.

Maybe my expectations are a bit too fancy (huh), but regardless of it being more thematic than anything, the biggest takeaway from the debate should’t have been Big Bird might have to go down to the welfare in a debate about the economy. Even I aim higher in spite of dismissal of its larger ramifications.

And as I type this, I just got an email from the Obama campaign entitled “#SaveBigBird.” Save Big Bird? I love Big Bird, but mellow yellow only needs his network to run a commercial to solve he and Snuffy’s worries about the survivability of their joint savings account. We’re the ones who will have to stop eating fried bird in order to have our bodies in tip-top sellable shape to cover rent and student loans.  To hell with Big B; he’ll be okay.

But oh well. It’s over now. We’ll have all these sensational covers and accompanying articles for another 10 days or so until the next debate. Then the narrative will shift to Obama, the noted not so great debater, rising to the occasion, yadda plus a dash of blah, followed by a build to the third throw down.

I’ll probably get ask to contribute to the noise once more, hoping if nothing else, I gave some well-written and competent commentary for a check. More than likely, I’ll poke fun at most of it while envying Jon Stewart and Wyatt Cenac.

After which, everyone will be exactly where we were on the Tuesday before the first debate. It’s like “Let’s Go Through The Motions,” only without Mr. Dalvin’s not fantastic rap. Everybody get your role, on, but aye, you Barry, don’t let Thurston Howell The Asshole get away with that same monologue like that again. Be a team player.

Missing Michelle’s Point

Michelle Obama offered what may ultimately be considered the finest speech ever delivered by a First Lady last nite at the Democratic National Convention. Unfortunately, an alarming number of people appeared to miss much of what made it all so special because they were so engulfed in one of those “me, me, me” moments that blinded them from what was actually being said in favor of the recurring storyline playing in their heads. I joked about it yesterday on the Twitter, but heavens to Murgatroyd heterosexual Negroes of America, not everything is about you, your dating life, and your search for a Barack or Michelle to match your Michelle or Barack.

Speaking of that fantasy, if you watched Michelle’s speech yesterday and immediately though to revisit the same argument always brought up in some Black romantic comedy, you are nothing like Barack Hussein Obama or Michelle “Do you see these arms? Do you see this hair flowing? Get into this ensemble, dear!” Obama.

Not a single thing. Let’s make that clear. Like, the only thing you have in common with them is you, too, use soap and water to clean your body. Obviously, not the same brand, though.

I don’t have anything against breeders. My mother is a breeder, most of my friends are breeders, and the overall majority of you fine readers are breeders. However, there is something so strange to me about straight Black folks who never miss an opportunity to talk about why they’re single, what men and women do and don’t do, blah, blah, blah. This must be why the Washington Post and the New York Times along with Tyrese won’t leave y’all alone.

Read the rest of this entry »

Me On Mitt, Take 92

If Mitt Romney ends this race as one of the most despised presidential contenders in recent memory, we should all be so lucky.

As ideally as it might be to favor a civil, meaningful debate about the future of the nation and who’s best to steer it versus the nastiness we’ve been muddied in for two years now, one can’t help but take at least slight glee in someone who consistently goes out of his way to be contemptuous be given a dose of his own medicine.

The former Massachusetts governor is entitled, power-hungry, and remarkably wishy-washy about who he is and what he believes. In fact, to say Mitt Romney is spineless is like saying the cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is only a little bit uninhibited. Worse is that no matter what instance of legitimate form of criticism you level his way, Mitt Romney and the pacifiers he hired to run his campaign carry on as if nothing ever happened.

Actually, no, Mitt Romney doesn’t simply carry on – he turns the other cheek and proceeds to spit his troubles onto the opposition.

Therein lies Mitt’s latest campaign strategy: “I know you are, but what am I?”

More here.

Bigots and Blouses

Some have made the mistake of assuming that any criticism about the criticism being leveled at Chick-fil-a makes you an apologist for them and their purported bigotry. That doesn’t surprise me, but it doesn’t give me any less urge to toss a Church’s chicken biscuit (they’re harder) at their heads all the same. In a piece for Ebony.com, I revisited a past post about Chick-fil-a in light of their company’s head slamming same sex marriage and its supporters.

I’m not telling people what to do with their money.

In fact, I note that I hadn’t even been back there since hearing more of Dan Cathy’s commentary and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to no longer want to support those people. However, I argue that when it comes to cities blocking them for their political views it becomes concerning. And overall, I wonder whether or not assailing them with a bunch of name calling really does much in the way of changing minds.

People allow the Dan Cathy’s of the world to argue about the “biblical literal definition of marriage” and “biblical tradition of family.” Thing is, this shit doesn’t exist and instead of someone shutting him down from a theologian standpoint, what we end up getting is a bunch of back and forth that goes no where.

The substantive gives way to spectacle and it irks me.

Where is someone to tell Dan Cathy, “Motherfucker, have you even read the Bible?” I take this personally because it’s been a personal problem for throughout my life. Some of the comments I’ve got in response to the piece seem to miss that point I tried to make. Sometimes saying it plain isn’t enough for people.

To that end, read the piece here. Yes, go read it even if I just blabbed here. There’s more. Uh huh.

Oh yeah, I wrote something on your cousins on the right complaining about Michelle Obama and expensive clothes and hypocrisy. That one can be read here.