What’s In A Name?

Basically: This was supposed to run somewhere and I believe it’s not now. But dammit, someone’s going to read this. So here it goes:

We’re brought up to believe that our parents want us to go further in life than they ever did.

Yet when a parent names their child something that might incite strokes for the tongues of anyone who dares attempt to pronounce their faux-French names should we still believe that to be true?

I’m beginning to think parents have declared some sort of secret war on their offspring. It’s as if new mommies and daddies want to screw over their kids and cause human resources to instantly get a whiff of Lawry’s and Louisiana Hot Sauce the second one of their poorly named children submits a resume.

Of course, some of these children still manage to land jobs. Just the other day I came across a bank teller named Classic. Perhaps he was conceived at the State Fair Classic and his parents want that special memory to live on.

Wherever the source of his name stems from Classic has it a lot better than Jacorolynstans Onassis. Yes, that’s an actual name. I saw it in the program for my cousin’s high school graduation. I waited anxiously to see the announcer shed light on how you actually say her name out loud without taking a lunch break in between. Jacorolynstans didn’t show up, though, so to this day that mystery remains unsolved.

It gets worse than that…far, far worse.

Anytime I post about any distinctive name on Twitter and I’m instantly amassed with replies from followers who can top me.

“I got [a] cousin named “Unique Petal Lloyd.”

“[I] saw a chick working at Target named L’Oreal.”

“I graduated high school with a Starburshia. Apparently, my friend knows a Shadynasty (SHA-DYNASTY).”

“I went to school with a dude named Success. He wasn’t very successful.”

In L’Oreal’s defense, she may be Creole.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Name Game: Miller Edition

I think Master P’s kids deserve their very own entry as it’s a litter of them with names out of this world.

I’m at the point now where I can properly pronounce most of the ‘unique’ names of children even if I don’t know what the hell their name actually means. Such is the Case for Percy’s daughter, Cymphonique.

In addition to little Cymphonique – who on the site posted a video about wanting to be an “inspiring actress, dancer, and singer” (she’s 12, ya’ll — I give her a pass) – there are her brothers and sisters.

Like Lil’ King, the 8-year-old rap sensation who boasts lines like, “This young man, I’m #1/That means I come second to none/With a nick, nack, patty wack, send them haters home/My name is King and I’m coming for the thrown,” from his single, “Wiggy Wiggy.”

Not to be outdone, there’s another rapping brother named Vercy. He’s not to be confused with another Miller boy named Hercy. Or Veno, who sings.

Per Siyclone, I’ve learned the kids P. has with his wife include, Percy III (Lil’ Romeo), Vercy, and Hercey. The girls include Itali, Tytyana, and Intylyana.

The others are from another mother. They’re all promoted as triple threats, however.

Did ya’ll get all that?

Last week the homie texted me that he met a girl named LaTiffany. I’m sure most of us will agree when compared to Cymphonique and Intylyana, LaTiffany’s name might as well be Julie.

Edit: Per an anonymous commenter: “Lil’ King isn’t Cymphonique and Vernen’s (Veno) brother…thats their cousin…Lil’ King is Silkk’s son not Percy’s.”

I read one thing, two people tell me something different, and now something else. I’m confused about who’s child support check goes to whom, but I do know all those names are still ‘unique.’

Thanks for leaving this, though!

The Name Game

This post continues to be the standard bearer, but the more I hear about these creatively crazy names from family and friends, the more I think I need to start making this a regular feature. I got a text yesterday about a child named Sjondarian Bland.

What is a Sjondarian Bland?

My browser’s spell-check wanted to call him Sanitarian or Secondarily.

The name could be based on generic wine. Perhaps it’s inspired by an STD, or maybe it falls under the standard faux-French fuck up of a name so many Black people like to give their children.

Why do people continue to do this to their kids? The minute a name like that is spotted on a birth certificate is the minute you leave the room and call CPS. Better yet, call CPS in front of the mother. Make them understand how wrong they are.

If your aim is to ruin your child for life for ruining your figure, you can actually still do worse than Sjondarian. Let’s play a game of screw a child. No R. Kelly.

LeBlaknmil
Gonna’reeah
Wii’pop Champane
Jaiizee
Betada-Yontada Say
Birfcontral
Nuvo
Randim
Biore
Twitta

That’s all I got right now. I should probably make a run to Popeyes for inspiration. I’m playing: I really just want some chicken strips and a biscuit with grape jelly and/or honey. But I bet if I go on Tuesday when it’s the two piece special for .89 cents, I’ll get some good names.

I know you want to play along, so come on. And if have have some names, please pass them along to me.

By the way, noot to be stereotypical, but Sjondarian is currently in custody. I’m just saying…

Why Did Their Mamas Do That To Them?

Yesterday I attended my cousin’s high school graduation. Out of the twelve kids who walked across the stage, eleven of them had some of the most “creative” names I’ve come across in a very long time. These negroes (and one hispanic) might as well spray their resumes w/ hot sauce and Lawry’s seasoned salt and just scare the human resources people away. Here’s a look at some of the names:

Frozina (sounds like something Minute Maid sells)
LaPorschia Na’Quita
LaRocha Jenna
Tyronza LaShon
Shantia
LaToydra Valienta
Zeandreia A’Nuel
Aunanesha Chanta
Shaheedah
Jeretta Rashae
Clavelita
Desnick
Sharnequa Danae
LaNecia Veronique
Cristal
K’Ora
Treykia Quinchelle
Kokesia Kiqwane
Sheneka
Conchetta
Macario
Cre’shone
Marquiesha Ja’Nae
Keiva
Lu’Shundra
Shamarion
Rechristal
CaNotstria Anvon
Jacorolynstans Onassis

I’m particularly mad at the last name. I sat there and waited for them to announce her name just so I could learn how in the hell you pronounce it. She (I’m assuming, but you never know anymore) didn’t show. If anyone can loan me $500 to figure out which vowel I need to buy to pronounce her name, it’d be greatly appreciated.

No wonder the sign language people sat down the entire graduation. After those names, they probably just said, “Fuck it.”