When I initially heard about Freaknik: The Musical, my level of excitement rivaled my appetite for a toe nail and tuna sandwich.
So many questions lingered in my head. Why would anyone give T-Pain a cartoon? Why would you theme a cartoon on Freaknik? At 24 how would T-Pain remember Freaknik anyway?
I don’t know why I went against my better judgment and watched this. It literally took only two minutes of viewing to ask the most important question of them all: Why hasn’t anyone handed Jay-Z a glock so he could really kill auto-tune?
I only interpret Soulja Boy’s music in two extremes. Sometimes I’ll say listening to Soulja Boy is like being slapped in the head with a watermelon. And then there are times where I’ll think to myself, “Well, who doesn’t love watermelon margaritas?”
He may talk like a Hooked on Phonics failure, but if the beat goes and the alcohol flows chances are I might be indulge him in his web of foolery. I’d be lying if I denied supermanning you heauxs the very second after I found the instructional video a few years back. In fact, if I could actually remember how the dance went I’d still probably be down to do it if there’s a Flip Cam in my presence.
And then there’s “She Gotta Donk,” which I won’t dance to in public but will appreciate all those around me that choose to.
But this - this shit right here – has left some seeds in my teeth.
The main reason is the obvious: Soulja Boy raps about as good as corn chip flavored feet taste.
Granted, he’s always been the male equivalent of Trina but he’s always been clever enough to guise that with a catchy beat. The beat for this song is not bad at all, but it unfortunately doesn’t do a good enough job of distracting us from Soulja Boy and his awful lyrical content.
Let’s start with:
This right here is my swag/The girls are on me…damn/Everybody pay attention/This right here is my pretty boy swag
And then there are gems like:
I’m pretty boy swagging in the club feeling sexy…no homo.
A guy dancing around a bunch of self-professed “pretty boys” suddenly feels compelled to declare his heterosexuality after saying he feels sexy in the club? Isn’t that kind of like telling folks about your pretty boy swag? If one is OK why not the other?
Heavens to murgatroyd. I’m trying to make sense of Soulja Boy lyrics. Nevermind. To that line I say:
I demand that everyone reading this makes that same face this instant. Don’t let your judgmental co-worker sway you from doing so either.
As for the video itself, I would get on it looks like a high school project, but it’s a recession so I completely understand.
I will point out one last thing, though: This video reminds me of why I sometimes shift my lids to the side when I think about some Atlanta rappers.
In Atlanta you can have ridiculously creative acts like Outkast and Goodie Mob who combine sounds and imagery uniquely their own or you can have people like Soulja Boy who is obviously ripping off another region’s sound.
When D4L and Dem Franchize Boys took off I was instantly annoyed (but I still danced, I’m not crazy) because I knew they were ripping a Dallas sound that had been around years prior and got all the credit for it.
And Yung Joc’s debut album sounded like it was recorded down the street from Frenchy’s Chicken. Houston natives will catch that reference.
In sum, Soulja Boy needs to give Silkk The Shocker his flow back and let Dallas handle the sound if he’s unable to. This dude could’ve at least given me a new stupid dance to love for five minutes. Damn, homie, are you getting lazier on us?
Or to put things more eloquently, allow me to quote YouTube user, xXSeasameSkreetXx:
Dhis sonq is sooo MuahFxckin’ Wack. Well de’ beat is tiqht as fuhh doe. Somebodii needs ta make remix wihd it forrea.
I was sent “Patron & Brugal” over the weekend. My mouth instantly craved for Ciroc and Simply Lemonade after reading the title. But to be fair to the artist, William Haze, it might not be all his fault.
The only thing I know about Brugal is that a friend – who at the time I wanted to be more than a friend – had a Dominican boyfriend who left a bottle over that I’m assuming they shared. And before you ask no I wasn’t offered any. I’ll let you rate that on your personal shadeometer on your own time. But, basically I’m already left with a bad taste in my mouth without actually ever trying this brand of rum.
Wait, who am I kidding. Satan could piss Hennessy on me and I’ll be damned if I let that ruin that brown for me. I suppose the same can be said about any potentially good alcoholic beverage. Still, given that I’ve already had a bad introduction to Brugal I need a reason to give it another chance.
This song ain’t it, pimpin’.
I wish I could blame not knowing what in the hell William Haze is saying, but that’s not it. Half the time I never know what Gucci is talking about but I jig, get it big anyhow.
But the beat for this song is irritating as hell. It sounds like something they’ll play to death on LA radio. If you didn’t know already, most LA radio stations stick to Top 40 which means pop-heavy “rap” tracks like this nonsense will be played to death. Boom boom boom my ass.
Of all people to call Haze tapped MIMs? Anything with him on it tends to sober me up at the club. Do you all remember how much they played “This Is Why I’m Hot?” I wished frostbite on many a DJ. I don’t want to knock Fred Flintstone head’s hustle, so I’ll just say I hope he was compensated quite nicely for this track.
I’m going to guess that with the inclusion of MIMS on the track Haze intended to bring black and brown together under the love of various forms of Latino liquor. The “Ebony and Ivory” of club music, if you will. Unfortunately, this is the type of song that could start a race war.
Tensions are already high in certain regions of the country. Wack songs won’t do anything but further aggression. Maybe they should’ve called Pitbull and Plies for a track called “Dick and Doritos.” I’m sure that would’ve been better than this.
Maybe I’m going to have to find a Dominican to put me on game, but as of now the combination of a strong rum and tequila sounds like a battle royale in the belly. And this song, well, it seems like it’s only prepping you for the hangover sponsored headache that’s to come.
As much as I hate this song, I can already tell it will be blasted to death out in Cali and other parts of the country with similar demographics. Shame on everyone in advance.
I never get why people insist on repeating every year that the Grammy Awards are boring. That information is about as new as the second letter of the alphabet. Having said that, for a show known for putting people with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder into a mental coma I’d say this year’s Grammys wasn’t all that bad.
Interesting enough to get me to break down the three or 15 hour broadcast? Not even, but I can break it down in ten.
And we’re off:
1. Beyonce is everything, deal with it.
Truthfully, I would have never guessed “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” would net a songwriting award let alone the biggest one of the night. But it did, which just goes to show you how effective both a video and a catchy hook can be. And that Beyonce is respected.
As far as Beyonce’s performance goes, she sounded great and I appreciate her hiring Blackwater troops to back her up for the performance. Better them in LA than Iraq. I’m a bit surprised she worked in the Alanis Morrisette cover from her tour into the act, but she can do whatever she wants. She obviously wants to sing angrier songs sometimes. Why didn’t ya’ll let “Ring The Alarm” be great?
I get a lot of flak from the more sanity-deficient members of B-Unit for not drinking her bath water all the time, but I’m elated the girl scored Best Pop Vocal Category (quite the cue for a black girl) and made Grammy history last night with her six wins.
I know Beyonce still seems to bring out the insecure high school girl in many people, but if the thought of Beyonce winning so much pisses you off to that great extent, grab an ice tray and hit yourself with it.
…now cool off, cool off.
2. Pink and her husband are jackasses.
Here’s Mr. Pink on how to properly convey that you’re jealous and bitter:
The demanding stunt did not impede her singing, she said, adding, “No one ever has another excuse to lip-sync.”
With her tour over, Pink said, “I’m going to go home and cook and get fat.”
Hubby Carey Hart, meanwhile was quick to chime in with a few words of support via Twitter. “Though Pink wasn’t the big winner tonight, she stole the f*ckin’ show! 150 dancers don’t compare to her alone on the stage. Ask the crowd.”
He later added: “Pink, you were amazing, and EVERYONE knows it. No gimmicks [sic], just talent. I love you baby.”
I prefer Pink when she was singing Linda Perry’s life story, but she obviously still knows how to churn out a hit. That said, while I appreciate her trying to be different than her peers I hate the condescending attitude she has towards them.
For her and her husband’s information, giving yourself a bath in a leotard before you swing around an arena like an extra from Cirque du Soleil is just as gimmicky as hiring a bunch of background people for your performance.
Not to mention her incessant need to remind us that she’s completely antithetical to the cookie cutter pop stars of the world makes her seem just as contrived as the people she constantly lashes out at.
From Britney Spears calling her out for sending her flowers one day and thrashing her the very next years back to the way she made it seem as though Kanye West skinned her damned puppy with his bare hands in front of her – Pink can be really bitchy at times.
She sounded good last night and her performance was fine, but just so we’re clear Beyonce sings circles around Pink. Homecoming is over, Pink. You lost. Accept it and move on.
3. It was good to see Rihanna on stage accepting an award.
Last year was Rihanna’s year and it’s sad it was taken away from her. Fortunately, while this year wasn’t as big for her as last year it was good to see her back a year later in good spirits.
See how nice I sound? And I bet you were expecting me to throw an eclipse her way.
4. Michael Jackson Can Outsing You Dead
The tribute was nice and Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson sounded lovely, but that performance reminded me of just how good a vocalist Michael was. I was never a huge fan of “Earth Song,” but he sounds amazing on it. Bless Usher’s heart for trying to hit those high notes.
When he got down to the ground as if he was doing something in my mind I imagined that was simply Michael kicking him.
I still felt it, though.
5. Leave Disabled People Alone
I am still confused by Jamie Foxx’s performance last night, but I do know talking about people with disabilities is not the business. It’s actually a good way to get a stamp and wrist band for the VIP section of Club Eighth Circle. That’s the hottest spot in Downtown Hell for those who aren’t up on game.
6. I Appreciate Country Music Artists
They provide great bathroom breaks.
7. The Grammys still don’t respect hip-hop.
No offense to Stephen Colbert, whom I love, but best comedy album can be presented on-air (which is very rare), but best rap album can’t?
As for Drake/Eminem/Lil’ Wayne’s performance, it could best be described with three words: Beep, beep, beep.
Damn, FCC. Why so serious?
8. Ciara is relentless.
I see this girl will not rest until everyone calls her a fashion icon and sex symbol. Can someone hurry up and tell a white lie so she can go back to doing what made her popular?
9. Lady GaGa was wronged.
Not robbed because she did kick off the show with her long lost aunt and did win two hours, but I didn’t like the fact that GaGa didn’t accept an award on television. She was a main draw to the show so I think it made sense for them to make sure she’d get a chance to win something while the show was airing. They’ve done it countless times in recent years so why not do it for her?
Sidenote:
I loved her showing up to the show as Judy Jetson. Look and learn, Ciara.
10. Taylor Swift wants your award…and will get it.
How in the hell did she win Album of the Year? Better yet, how sad is it that they kick off the presentation of the award noting that ten years prior Carlos Santana won the same award ten years prior before handing it to Taylor Swift?
That girl is nice (although I’m over the whole “I’m so shocked I’m still winning every damn award” thing), but I’m just surprised that she’s managed to become as much a critical success as a commercial one.
Before you even say it again, I don’t think Kanye has much to do with it. Yes, he got a large percentage of black people to learn her name and the sympathy of people with every other hue, but she was already slaying the competition in sales so that can’t be it.
You all are so fixated on Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Rihanna kicking it with the demon down under that you might have missed out on the real conspiracy.
Forgive me if I’m guilty, but is it wrong to automatically rule out a song called ” Hey Daddy (Daddy’s Home)” when it’s common knowledge that the daddy in question is currently changing the diapers of two little kids?
I only remember who Kiely Williams is for two reasons. One, she’s a Cheetah Girl and at one time my oldest niece was obsessed with them. To the point where I watched their movies over and over again. And then again and again and again. But, I didn’t complain — at least she didn’t want to watch Maury.
The other reason is that a friend of mine once sent me a video and mp3 of “Neva Get Enuf” to prove Kiely’s other group, 3LW, had a lick of talent and some decent songs. For the record, the song was cool but it reminded me of why I always looked to her and every group that she belonged to as “kiddie.”
Which is why this song has thrown me off.
“Last nite I was drunk, I don’t remember much, but what I do constantly picture is just how gone I was [paraphrasing -- she's mumbling]. But he was tall and was buying, so I gave him a trying and said he was built like a stallion…and that man wasn’t lying.
Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off. Even though I’m not sure of his name he can get it again if he wanted cause the sex was spectacular.”
And if you listen to the track you’ll note she then she proceeds to moan like Brittany the Chippette during an extasy inspired orgy with Alvin.
You can’t go from Disney to free clinic in this short amount of time. It needs to be gradual. Why? Because there’s no way in hell I’d let me niece listen to this and overtly sexual subject matter alone won’t garner an adult’s attention.
Everything these days is oversexualized. To the point now where X-rated songs can seem more desperate than shocking among listeners. It’s not fair for me to tell Kiely to stay singing to tweens, but it’s not wrong to suggest she brainstorm over the best way to describe activity between her legs.
It’s certainly not the introduction included on the YouTube page for this video:
Kiely Williams Ex Cheetah Girl has now become a Cheetah Woman.She holds nothing back as she now breaking into her own person and showing the world how versatile she can be.This pop,techno song is definitely going to be a club-banger.
I feel for those who automatically assume talking about sex makes you a grownup and easily more interesting. I pity those who still believe selling sex automatically breds success. My friend and great writer, Clover Hope, eloquently expressed a sentiment I constantly share (and hope people finally get) in her most recent piece for the Village Voice:
We know that most of America prefers their pop stars provocative. (Pazz & Jop voters, too, though they define “pop star” differently: Their alpha female was Neko Case, who imagined herself as both a tornado and a man-eater, and threatened to “punch you in your face.”) It’s the reason Madonna and Janet and now Lady Gaga found success as sex goddesses constantly offending the status quo. But the constant in those cases is great songs—sexuality is secondary, though it’s made to seem prime.
Based on what I’ve seen Kiely’s a good dancer and would probably make for a good performer (she entertained my niece and her friends for several years anyway). Her voice, while not breathtaking, is no worse than the other crows out there pretending to be songbirds.
But if she thinks selling sex alone will give breathe life into her post-Cheetah Girl career, she’ll be waiting longer than Naturi’s replacement for the next 3LW album.
I’ve been meaning to blog about Monica’s reality show for some time now.
I watch it week after week more so out of loyalty than for entertainment value. As my friend, La, put it, it’s like watching grass grow (and she’s a fan, too). Not all the time, though, especially not when she’s in the studio.
But that’s neither here or there. I don’t want to spend too much time talking about what went wrong (or didn’t) with the show. Or how her album may or may not do. I think one big confusion about a previous entry (and that may be my own fault) was that I placed the emphasis solely on sales.
No, not even. What I meant was if an artist with nominal talent at best (re: their asses can’t sing) is given a big budget to go work with all of the top producers and still can’t manage to get a big hit and churn a profit (numerous times) then why do they still have a record deal?
That money could be better spent elsewhere – namely on someone who can actually sing. Likewise, the time invested in cultivating these people whose singing voices can best be described with the word “ribbit” could serve greater use over helping someone else. Yeah, like Monica.
Granted, the blame cannot fall completely on the label, but when I hear a song like “Everything to Me” all I can do is get a little Lawry’s that I don’t hear songs like this on the radio anymore.
I’m not one for writing big odes to nostalgia, but dammit, why can’t half these clowns on the radio actually sing anymore? Why can’t they make me feel anything remotely real like they used to?
I know the song is a familiar sample, and for some that means Mo’ loses a few points, but hey, just listen to her. Doesn’t she make you feel something?
I refuse to sound like a simp on my own site, but the song makes me think about someone. Doesn’t matter who, it’s just the point – I can immediately get a feeling about the song and make it relatable. It brings out every good feeling I’ve ever had. I can always relate whatever emotion I’m feeling to a given song (or 12) and Monica’s voice on this song brings out the best of them (say aww and I’ll curse you smooth out).
I love music so much, but one reason why I popped, locked, and dropped the idea of being a music writer many many years ago was that you can see the change in contemporary music and how it was starting to become as pleasing to the ears as a can of dog food is to a human stomach.
Let me stop now before I pull out my cane and start talking about the “good ole days.”
I’ll simply say it’s nice to hear an R&B song from a mainstream artist that isn’t marred with some unrelated 16 bars from a given momentarily hot rapper.
Better yet, it’s better to hear an actual R&B song period. I’ve long grown tired of the trend of the genre-hopping pseudo R&B singer. I get it: You like trying new things. Go back to trying what works.
If you’ve yet to hear the song in full, check it out below:
She could stand to add another minute, but I still adore.
If I haven’t mentioned it before, I can’t stand Plies.
As I wrote previously, he talks like his tongue suffered a stroke. If that weren’t bad enough, he’s got the nerve to be a fraudulent goon – as if he bragging about being a real one weren’t bad enough.
But, to his credit he’s not completely annoying. He encourages people to go to school, has a scholarship fund and the like. It’s too bad his music encourages education about as well as a pointy rock being used as a pillow promotes comfort.
Speaking of his music, I hate much of it. I can’t get over that trillest slave flow of his. I’ll admit he has some catchy songs (like two) – namely “Medicine” featuring Keri Hilson.
Her hook makes me like the song – awful metaphor and all. Unfortunately, this video is like an encouragement to abandon health care reform and reminds me that I need to put up a Craigslist ad for Plies’ massa so he can put his ass back to work and stop irking my last nerve.
Here’s the video and 10 reasons why it sucks.
Enjoy (me…not him):
1. This Negro (no Harry Reid) is still talking like slavery ended three weeks ago knowing damn well he could be Akeelah’s spelling bee coach.
2. If you’re going to go with the gimmick of being a hospital and playing doctor, why wouldn’t you throw on some scrubs? C’mon nah, Plies, we know you used to be a nurse’s assistant. Obviously you still have some scrubs lying around.
3. What the hell does Keri Hilson have on and why is she wearing it in a hospital hallway?
4. Keri Hilson’s dancing. Keri is a cute girl with some catchy songs, but she proves you can’t write rhythm. No wonder she throws shade at Beyonce: It’s her fault the labels force every contemporary R&B singer who can’t really “sang” to pop, lock, and drop it.
5. Wait, rewind. Did Keri just say something about a pap smear? Is that supposed to be sexy? That’s the equivalent of Adam Lambert offering to perform a prostate exam. Not sexy. Stop it.
6. The actress in the bed with Plies is awful. If I wrote the treatment rest assured her non-acting ass would’ve been playing “Dr. Kevorkian” with Plies.
7. Did they really insert an “in stores now” caption in the video? Have we sunk that low, recording industry?
8. What’s good with the girl who looks like she just got out of bed? I’m talking about the girl in the scene with the Asian girl who looks lost. I can tell which one’s fake sexy face is worse. Neither could even get a free piece of dark meat from a horny teen at Church’s with those come hither looks.
9. Actually on half a second look (I couldn’t bear watch this bullshit twice), all of the acting is bad in this video. Couldn’t these folks at least have tried to watch a few minutes of Grey’s Anatomy before going on set?
And some of you all complained about Nicki Minaj (for the record, I stopped and joined the Nicki nation).
Meet, Hazel-E, some LA-based rapper I only discovered yesterday after randomly clicking on her video link.
Let that be a lesson to you: Curiosity can lead to some downright stupid decision making.
At first I couldn’t tell if this video was for real or some sort of parody. Given popular music has become a sub-genre of comedy in itself over the years you now have to give artists the benefit of the doubt.
Consider that stupid choice number two.
I found Hazel-E’s My Space page and she doesn’t come across as the chocolate + estrogen answer to Weird Al. With songs called “Pop My Butt” and “Bitch U Can’t Get These Shoes” I’m assuming she’s serious with this gimmick.
And as far as said gimmick goes, based on her posted Q&A it can be best summed as Nicki Minaj’s annoying cousin from out of town. The Skipper to Nicki’s Barbie, if you will.
I actually don’t mind Dorrough. Much of that has to do with his song “Ice Cream Paint Job” was pretty much the only song by a southern rapper I could expect to hear in a Cali club. A lot of that had to do with the song playing with themes people in California appreciate, but hey I take what I can get out here. With respect to my Texas brethren this video is some bullshit.
What happened to hot hip-hop flipped Christmas songs like “Player’s Ball” and “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto?”
Did we really need another reminder of how bad things have gotten?
It hasn’t really felt like Christmas for me out in LA (when it’s warm and sunny, how can you feel it really?) and this video only makes me look forward to St. Patrick’s Day (which I don’t celebrate). But since Dallas’ own wants to invoke the Christmas spirit in our hearts and ringtones, I’ll play along.
Since he’s talking about his wants for Christmas, here are a few of mine:
I want…
People to come up with new shit to talk about. Tell me you aspire for more than just a yellow bone chick with a face like Mya.
Video girls who can actually dance. People still do train for that (even if it’s watching The Players Club or YouTube), right?
A new word besides bitch to describe women. Perhaps something innovative like “female,” “woman,” “girl,” “lady,” person without a penis.
For that dude with the candy cane to sit down. And stay there, if you could be so kind, sir.
Cheap uninspiring videos to go away.
Less references to someone’s baby mama. Propose or pick up birth control and condoms.
For people who know damn well they can’t make a decent holiday track to stick to what they do best.
That’s all I got because quite frankly, this video isn’t worth anything else.
Santa’s going to leave a warrant on this dude’s Christmas tree for this bullshit.
Writer. Music head. Political junkie. Pop culture whore. Funny black boy. Looking to have a voice in the world -- with a few good sponsors.
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