Throwbacks, Remakes & Perverts

Alright, ya’ll, haven’t reviewed a video in a while and since plenty have tried in recent days hours, I went ahead and lent my commentary to a couple.

As someone who monetarily supported Jazmine Sullivan with her debut album and is still hoping that she gets the acclaim she deserves, I have to say I don’t know what her people were thinking by selecting this as her first single.

It’s not that it’s a big song. It’s cool, but that just it – it’s cool. It doesn’t really excite me, doesn’t really pique my interest. It’s simply, you know, aight.

The same can be said about the video. An 80s theme, shout outs to Nuvo, how 2009. Girl, we on Conjure (although I’ve never had it, but still) and Ciroc now — step ya cookies up!

This is kind of like her first video, only a better version of it.

Overall, though, the video is cute and I like the cameos from 80s rappers. Thank God Lil’ Kim was still on the playground likely chasing somebody else’s man then. We don’t need her mad at anyone else.

I like the homage to House Party and I do appreciate her showing us a little personality. Still, it didn’t really alter my opinion of the song. Jazmine has offered what’s essentially a dope mixtape track when she’s in need of an undeniable hit.

Maybe this song will ultimately do well because it’s aided by a number of familiar samples, but as someone who salivated over songs like “Lions, Tigers, & Bears” and “Bust Your Windows,” I have to say I’m kind of disappointed.

But, hey, I’m still probably going to buy the album.

For the seven of you who’ve watched Trey Songz: My Moment, you know that Trey thinks he has what it takes to be a big time actor.

To his credit, minus those ugly cries he gave us, he did alright in his video for “Yo Side of The Bed.”

This shit right here, though, is a little too much. I had to pause about a minute in to see if I could mentally count how many different expressions he gave in 60 seconds. I lost count around 97.

OK, let’s just skip to the part that matters: His shirt being off.

If this world were mine (shout out to Luther), I’d be able to make my fortune reading off the words on Trey Songz’ chest – you know, proofreading and shit. I can assure you I’d make the overtime worth his wild it so if anyone hears about such a position opening, I’ll pass my resume and whatever underwear is required.

That said, thank you, Tremaine, for giving your fans the money shot. It’s enough to make me forget that your acting coach is an R. Kelly fan and that you basically remade Usher’s video for “Confessions.”

Oh yeah, I love the song. It’s nice to hear him sing about something besides sex – although my sexually laden review basically confirms why his subject matter shifted to such.

P.S. Negro, hire a black woman next time.

First off, let me note that the other day I was on EW.com and tried really hard to listen to the single but halfway had to stop.

Not because it was bad, rather I instantly thought of piss. As in stained toilet seats, urinary tract deficiency, and that episode of Sex & the City where Carrie was dating that golden shower-loving politician.

It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been referring to R. Kelly as “Pissy” for the last six years or so, but you get me, right?

In my defense, I could’ve thought of worse – like those stupid blond braids he had for that even dumber song, “Hair Braider.” If Roger Troutman weren’t already dead that bullshit certainly would’ve killed him.

I will give it to this man in dying need of therapy and cranberry juice – he can “write” a good song (the functional illiterates don’t use pens, hence the quotation marks).

Most have forgotten that given the terrible offerings he’s been sending to radio in recent years, but back in his prime Pissy could deliver a decent song. This four-minute tribute to the 1960s is a nice example of such.

I’m not in love with the song, but I can see why some people will be.

Look, he creeps me out now, however, this video doesn’t have him making references to magic flutes that lure children to his den and it doesn’t look like he’s pretending to be an artist who is pretending to be him.

For the state of his career, these are all good signs.

I’m still calling him Pissy, though.

Alright so I’ve dropped my two pennies, I’d be much oblige if you left yours.

A Piece of Work

I was two-years-old when Joan Rivers premiered her late night talk show. Needless to say, I knew nothing about her in my earlier years. My first knowledge of Joan Rivers was probably her stint covering the red carpet for E! — long after she was heralded as a comedic “semi-legend” who paved the way for female comics the way Phyllis Diller and Moms Mabley did for her.

I knew Joan Rivers was funny, but I was introduced to her at the point in her life where she had already become a bit of caricature. Her face, which has been surgically altered numerous times, has nearly become such a pervasive punchline that it often overshadows any joke that comes out of her mouth.

She looks like an overbotoxed Muppet. Or Lil’ Kim’s grandmother. Whichever you feel is a worse description, go with it. Regardless, it’s distracting. It makes it easy to hear her brand of humor and quickly lash back out at her.

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Give A Bitch A Chance

I can understand why some may have been initially put off by the book, Bitch Is The New Black, based on the introduction via the Washington Post profile of its author, Helena Andrews.

I remember the morning that article was published and various women collectively hissed and rolled their eyes at the idea of a book being released about the plight of the single black woman.

Though, I don’t believe the article was that damning, I do understand why some felt a certain way.

Over the last year (at least) there’s been an increasing amount of attention towards figuring out what’s “wrong” with black women and “why” they’re single. And “experts” – like a comedian twice divorced, an actor with an Ivy League degree, a novelist – have all released works and done press telling black women what to do.

Act like a man. Date a white man. Or, whatever the others have told ya’ll to do.

It must be maddening to hear this trite narrative repeatedly.

No wonder why some saw a headline that included the phrase “lonely black women” and sharply dismissed Bitch Is The New Black with, “Bitch please!”

Those that did, though, are certainly missing out.

For those fortunate enough to have actually read the book, you realize quickly into the first few chapters that the Post profile offered a limited view of a multi-faceted memoir.

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Norwood’s In Love

I’m not entirely quite sure what Norwood Young does. I first learned of his existence from Fresh and then after I moved to LA I spotted him at events every so often. Or even around Larchmont playing spades at the sushi place. True story.

More recently, I moved to a neighborhood where he has a home a few minutes away.

You can’t help but spot the house:

See him styling?

So no I don’t know what he does, how he’s able to own a home in such a fancy neighborhood or why I can find videos of him with Loretta Devine and Natalie Cole at his house.

Based on my short time in Los Angeles, I’ve learned not to ask those sort of questions. You’ll never get a straight answer anyway. But, I will say I’ve heard mumblings that he used to sing for a group my mama can’t remember (which explains the T-Lame inspired tune) and that he wants a reality show (naturally).

And that despite his tragic plastic surgery, he’s trying to correct it. Apparently, he was the subject of molestation and other forms of abuse. That means, I’m trying to tip on the tightrope and not insult him or his music video too harshly. You know, because I’d rather not bunk with Chris Stokes in hell.

But, c’mon nah, look at this video. I have to say something.

Such as, where did the man buy that disco dashiki? Was it custom made or did he find that in a thrift shop three days after Studio 54 closed?

The same goes for that Obama jersey. When did dude become a running back for the Houston Texans? Is that a tidbit I missed while watching the preshow to the preshow for LeBron James’ special, The Decision.

He’s obviously a stylish man, so stylish that his date looks under dressed by comparison. A real gentleman would offer her his earrings when such a dilemma presents himself. Keep that in mind sassy but straight (insert a la-la-la-la-la here) men.

Oh and the choreography, God bless him. No really. I almost got up from my chair in excitement. I’ll be doing that the next time I visit the Santa Monica pier — if such a day ever comes.

That said, given my luck, “Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. I fell in love with your first.” will be in my head all day. That means you win, Norwood. You win.

Watch your back, Lionel Richie. Someone is gunning for you.

Girl, Pull Your Panties Up

I really want to support this girl. I swear, I do. I felt she got a raw deal the first time she made her way on the scene. As I’ve mentioned likely countless times now, she’s attractive and talented — just mismanaged. But dammit, at this point I can’t keep blaming other people.  Perhaps it’s her.

First, I’m not entirely sure why she and her label keep throwing out these random videos. I get that in theory these videos create a buzz and helps keep her name out there. But really, folks, how many people are out there singing any of these songs? She leaks more than a BP constructed pipeline in a poor defenseless ocean. It’s hard to keep up with her material especially when none of it grabs your attention for too long.

That fun fact is likely why she results to videos like these. I guess a visual does go a long way, but really, Teairra? World Star Hip-Hop? That’s not an insult to the site. I go on it each day. It’s like an inside look at car washes on MLK across the country. Yet, when I think World Star Hip-Hop I think ass and assholes.

Is that the kind of outlet you want to plug R&B music on? Every chance you get?!

I imagine the heterosexual men who watch these videos drool with enthusiasm. Unfortunately, these same horny gents would likely tell Teairra and her camp that the pulse she sent to their penises wouldn’t lead to them pulling out their wallets to support her music.

In fact, this is the reaction I imagine most would give to such a question:

If Teairra has some sort of calendar in the works, then bravo, girl, you’re setting yourself up for a nice little paycheck publishing checks probably won’t provide. However, if her aim is to finally breakthrough as a successful R&B artist, this ain’t it. Not even a fraction of it. At all.

For months now Teairra Mari has been thrusting her sexuality at us via pictorials and FlipCam sponsored shoots such as these. Has that done anything for her? Have any R&B singers started shaking in their stilettos (and not in the good way)?

Start making your cricket noises now.

Teairra, c’mon nah. We heard you the first time about not having “no daddy around when you was growing up.” Are you going to keep reminding us? That’s a joke. Don’t shoot me, Detroit.

Here’s what Teairra should do.

1. Pull her panties up.

2. Stop making videos until she has a hot enough song that warrants one.

3. Find some new, young, hungry producers out there who can give her a sound that will help her find her spot in music.

Otherwise, she ought to go ahead and quit. That way she can go ask Tyler Perry if she can play the next sassy teenager Madea bitch slaps on stage and in theaters.

Since I happen to think Teairra is a sweetheart who simply needs a little nudge in a helpful direction, someone copy and paste this to her. I don’t want her banning me on Twitter for constructive criticism branded as “hating.”

Then again, there are worse things. Like eating soap on camera.

Me, Me, Me On BET

Another year, another review. I’ve broken down my thoughts on the 2010 BET Awards in 20. Say it with me in a Puff Puff Diddy voice: “Let’s go!”

1. You fools need to stop complaining.

I feel like people often like to regurgitate an opinion time after time because it’s just the thing to do — criticism about the BET Awards/BET is a good example of such. This is such a simple concept to grasp I’m annoyed that I even have to repeat it again.

But, I will: If you don’t like BET, feel like watching the show or any program on the network makes you embarrassed of your race, don’t watch the awards.

You can call it the EBT awards but don’t acting like you can’t spell GED with your basic TV viewing logic.

2. Kanye West was kind of forgettable.

I love “Power” and am happy about a new Kanye album on the horizon; however, ‘Ye standing on top of the set of Happy Feet for four minutes didn’t really do anything for me. He’ll make it right next time. He usually does.

3. Queen Latifah is like Neil Patrick Harris.

When I said this on Twitter people thought I was playing Queen La, but I wasn’t. Didn’t that opener seem very People’s Choice Awards or something one of the two other non-threatening ***’s usually do?

That wasn’t a diss, merely an observation. I love Queen Latifah and overall thought she was fine. Although maybe we shouldn’t do a homage to every black classic every single year. It’s starting to remind me of movie night.

Then again, I would have been ecstatic to see the cast of Living Single reunite.

Oh as for: “Diddy, a man who stays in the company of beautiful women. Much like myself.”

Well alright. Now maybe people will leave her alone (they won’t, but it’s a nice thought all the same).

4. Keyshia Cole’s old weave is back.

This makes me excited about her new album. People can debate how she sounded all they want, I’m just happy last night was Keyshia’s first public appearance post “I don’t fuck with the kinfolk no more” statement.

5. Monica and Deniece Williams love Beetlejuice.

So much that each decided to pay tribute to the costume designer for the film last night. Or as Mama Sinick said in email, “Tell Batman i know who took his hat, Monica wore it as a blouse.”

That is mature shade, folks.

I’m trying to show respect to my elders, but if I were a bit older I’d say Deniece Williams needed a shot of helium last night before taking the stage.

As for Monica, she sounded great as always although it would’ve been great if she started off with her new single, “Love All Over Me.” You know, so people won’t think she’s still on her first single several months after its initial release. Silly indeed.

6. Prince didn’t care for Trey Songz’ cover of “Purple Rain.”

Speaking of mature shade, shout out to Prince’s eyes for sitting sideways once Tremaine decided to randomly burst into his own rendition of “Purple Rain” during his performance of “Yo Side of The Bed.”

As grateful as I am to God, Trey’s trainer, protein shake, stylist, and his mother’s genetic make up for giving the world this gift, sometimes Trey’s voice draws too much inspiration from tremors. Don’t get me wrong, I like his voice. But sometimes, his voice seems to wobble, wobble, and shake it, shake it a little too much.

He just sounds afraid sometimes is all. Like I am now that his stans might put out a hit on me.

7. Drake needs to talk to Laurie Ann Gibson.

I like the guy but he’s boring as a performer. He doesn’t need to pop lock on stage or anything, but goodness, maybe some boom kack would do his stage act some good. If not for Jeezy his set would’ve been sleep inducing.

8. El Debarge is happy.

The last hit El Debarge had resulted in his being locked up so it’s nice to see the man some of ya’ll jokesters call my uncle managing to sing on key, stay on beat, and put on one of the better performances of the night. If you’re wondering, yes, I’m going to pretend that separate performance of his new material didn’t happen. Man, you know Donna nor any of us want to hear that.

P.S. It’s a problem when a man who’s been battling drugs off and on for several years can still manage to maintain a sizable portion of his vocal ability yet singers ten minutes past puberty can barely perform without sounding like a commercial for Halls half-way.

9. Usher blew it.

Lately, Usher has been sounding quite good while performing “There Goes My Baby.” Last night was not one of those times. He should’ve went ahead and performed “OMG.” It’s OK, Usher, massive radio airplay and Will.I.Am’s spell have already made the bulk of us get into the song.

10. People don’t like to be left out.

RT @myfabolouslife: My blackberry & iPhone must b fucked up cuz I definitely didn’t get the we doin the “all I do is win remix”  email or phone call. #Niceeee

11. Chris Brown did well.

I feel like I face certain death if I dare to speak ill of this kid again. Look, I don’t hate this dude. He did well last night. Naturally, it’s easy to be cynical when you see someone cry during a song called “Man In The Mirror” given his last year. However, it’s just as easy to see why he would be genuinely overcome with emotion while performing a song called “Man In The Mirror.”

It’s all about perspective and in this instance, I’d rather go with the positive.

Some people think Chris’ tears made the Michael Jackson tribute more about him than Michael Jackson. I can get that perspective, though I doubt Michael Jackson will haunt Chris Brown in his dreams in retaliation. It’s show business and no one understands that more than Michael Jackson.

Chris did a good job and his performance last night proved that he still fills a much needed void for male entertainers.

OK?

12. We don’t need a Britney Spears of rap.

I was disappointed to see Nicki Minaj show up like Wilma Flintstone and give me vintage Britney Spears on stage during her multiple performances throughout the show. Thankfully, she clarified on Twitter that the audience could her hear, but we couldn’t on TV. As she put it, “Shout out to the sound guy.” Apparently it will be fixed on the re-air, but eh, it’s too late.

Either the sound guy is a Lil’ Kim stan or perhaps she was the one Stephen Hill was referring to on Twitter — that is, younger people who don’t show up for rehearsals.

Whatever the case, Nicki still performed multiple times and for any performer that is impressive. Plus, I like the indirect rebuttal she gave Kim and being positive and bringing women together.

Yes, girl, she meant you. No one likes the hating ass auntie, Kimmy.

13. Beyonce can win anything.

While I like the “Video Phone” remix who remembers that video being played for more than two weeks? I don’t, but hey, the Queen won. Let it be known that a good twirk and a Super Soaker can still trounce all so long as a big name is attached to it.

14. Rick Ross gives fat kids hope.

If only I had that much bravado when I looked like a Girl Scout shortbread cookie colored version of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Then again, it’s probably best I didn’t.

I kind of wish he had performed “MC Hammer” with “MC Hammer,” though.

15. Poor Dawn.

When Diddy Puff changed the name of the group to “Diddy-Dirty Money” I knew those two girls behind him were going to get even less shine. He might as well call the group Diddy and the Diddetts. Dawn’s a good performer, a good singer, and her look has improved so I hope that she eventually gets to show people that in a better situation. Oh, and the other one, Kaleena (I just learned her name), had on some cute shoes. Didn’t want to Diddy her in my post.

16. Prince tribute.

I remember seeing Alicia Keys crawl up her piano seductively on the “Ladies First” tour. It was about as believable as a story of a sex tape featuring me and Mrs. Butterworth. It’s even less believable with her pregnant. I imagine that I along with her OBG/YN were both huddled in an impromptu pray circle once Alicia started climbing that piano.

Other than that, I’d have to say her rendition of “Adore” was great. I had my doubts because while I love her cover of “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore,” “Adore” is a totally different song in a much higher range. But Alicia did well (much better than her blase medley earlier that evening) and Patti Labelle was everything as usual.

Janelle Monet is such a treat to watch and I really hope her popularity continues to grow. She is so fun and so lively. Oh and the other girl was OK, too. I don’t remember her name though I expect a music snob to scorn me in the comments section about it later. Thank you in advance.

17. Sometimes award shows can survive without Beyonce.

The first half was almost sleep inducing if not for Twitter, but the rest of the show made up for it. The show was as good as one can be without Beyonce — but let’s not make it a habit, please.

18. Keri Hilson lies.

I didn’t see Lauryn Hill last night, did you? Keri looked cute. The Pebbles Flintstone to Nicki’s Wilma, if you will. Still, don’t mention Lauryn Hill’s name unless you know for sure that she will be in attendance. It riles people up too much.

19. Taraji Henson really likes to drink.

Did ya’ll see her drunk ass on the post show? I love my fellow Bison, but c’mon nah. I’d say more but I fear some smart ass might one day write something similar about me.

20. John Legend is better than you.

And don’t you ever forget it, “haters.”

Last night John legend’s hairline was a major focal point of discussion. Well, Mr. Legend took to Twitter to let you know that he didn’t miss it. And that he’s better than you.

As he tweeted:

“Btw, my hairline has been the same since I was a kid. Can’t believe some people are obsessing about it now. I’ve been famous for 6 yrs now. And to the haters, I’m still smarter, more talented, more successful and better looking than u. So fall back. Sorry y’all. Couldn’t believe my hairline was a trending topic. Get a life!”

Well, he sure let some of ya’ll have it, huh. Dude’s got more cat in him than Heathcliff.

As someone w/ a unique hairline since birth I think JL could’ve handled that better. Like: “You wish your barber could be this creative.”

Or: “Haha, ya’ll. Humanitarian activities before haircuts.”

Next time just brush it off, John.

Alright. That’s about it. Until the next show.

Being Thankful

Since Thank Me Later leaked, my timeline has been flooded with discussions of Drake. I’ve noticed that the more outspoken commentators tend to skew older and their commentary reads as rather harsh. I won’t bother recanting all of their diatribes about Aubrey the man and Drake the emcee, but let’s just say this .gif is the best summation of their criticism I can think of:

They really, really don’t like the guy.

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Too Much of Something Is Bad Enough

There’s nothing worse than the person who shows up to the party mere moments before it’s over still demanding your undivided attention as they proceed to partake in activities you’ve already seen done what seems like a million times over. That in a nutshell describes Christina Aguilera’s recording process.

Artists have been recording music described as “futuristic” for well over a decade now. In recent years, “the future” has been the narrative of contemporary pop music. So much that when the future finally does arrive don’t be surprised if many dismiss it as sounding so five years ago.

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Cover Girls

With respect to the legendary status of Liza Minnelli, I can smell the Bengay seeping from this track.

On one hand, I like it because it further illustrates just how huge “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” truly is. At this point, I don’t see how anyone can deny the impact the song and video have made on pop culture. Everyone from Bethenny Frankel to your too hot to trot granny still references this song as if it came out a week ago. I would’ve never guessed a fate for a song I initially dismissed as a generic version of “Get Me Bodied” before ultimately falling in love with it like everyone else. So while your favorite singer is somewhere trying to figure out how to work kegel exercises, mud, and the perfect squat into a video treatment, Beyonce’s still coasting on a two-year old video.

Yes, my stan game is still proper when need be.

Now that we’ve gotten the niceness out of the way, let’s be mean to old people, shall we?

Well, not completely mean. I don’t want the older white gay mafia to nix my screenwriting and book publishing ambitions. I’ll just say if you are old enough to remember cassette tapes being the original iPod then chances are this is your shit. Now if you don’t remember what a cassette tape is, chances are this rendition of Beyonce’s classic (give it up, that’s how it will be remembered) just made you appreciate the sweet sounds of Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em.

I’m somewhere in the middle. This song is bad, but is it bad in a way my ears need a first aid kit bad? Or is bad in I want to blast this in the middle of the hood and watch people look at me crazy bad? I’ll let you know the next time I ride down to Crenshaw. Should I not make it back to this blog, I’m sure Cameka Camry and I’s bodies can be found near a Chinese carryout.

You know, if Aretha Franklin can brilliantly cover “Touch My Body” I suppose Liza can do this. Now we just need to get Patti Labelle to sing Tela’s “Sho’Nuff” and my life will be nearly complete.

Nevertheless as late as Liza is and as awful as some may feel this cover is, Liza still comes across as the fun older lady who still wants to show she can jig, get it big. Give her a yasss, a couple of singles, and send up a prayer that she will dare to perform this somewhere with a video crew surrounding her.

And know that it could be far worse.

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I Don’t Want To Hear You Rap, Chris

Wait, I’m confused. Wasn’t Chris Brown complaining a few weeks ago about not wanting to become an underground mixtape artist? If that’s the case, why is his answer to that claim releasing yet another mixtape? This is the equivalent of saying I don’t want to eat swine anymore, but let me order a three-way of Petunia and Porky Pig plus Babe on my plate.

This video has all the standard requirements of a rap video. A house they don’t own, clothes likely donated, free advertisements to companies, red cups in addition to a bunch of women and men just happy to grin in front of someone’s camera. The song itself references bitches, hoes, pussy, money and all of that other bullshit that’s more sleep inducing to me than wine flavored Ambien.

A glowing reminder of the mediocrity we should all try to escape in our lives.

Seriously, public school system, I hate you for making this generation as insightful as the cement one of my neighbors’ dogs just used the restroom on.

Also, the song is called “G-Shit” yet I hear nothing but references to women’s designer shoes, women’s designer clothes, and nail styles only women and Ms. Kim along with the girls at Tiny’s nail shop should know about. Yeah, that’s some real G-Shit, you two. Ya’ll go hard like Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers.

Mind you, most of my friends are women yet I didn’t know anything about red bottoms until Jay-Z mentioned it in “I Know.” I never get how some heterosexual males like to talk about faggots, punks, and vagina envy yet possess more backhand knowledge about female clothes and accessories than people with actual vaginas, but I digress.

While the beat of this song is cool and the hook is somewhat catchy, this benefits Tyga more than Chris Brown. Tyga wasn’t gaining attention outside of southern California for that song “Coconut Juice,” so he needs something to join Nicki Minaj and Drake in the upper echelon of the Young Money roster.

But for Chris, again, didn’t he say he didn’t want to be an underground mixtape artist? A nicely shot but still very much cheap video isn’t going to solve those problems, Young Brown.

Nor are your attempts at rapping.

Who told him that was OK? I don’t understand why singers who barely get a pass in that area attempt to spit hot fire. It doesn’t help like he’s smiling as if he just won the biggest prize at Chuck E Cheese throughout the entire video. I guess the positive would be that my brother in big teeth has a nice smile?

I wonder if Rihanna is somewhere in the studio Def Jam locked her in until she produces 45 more versions of “Rude Boy” laughing her ass off. If she’s not, it’s only because no one has sent it to her yet.

Needless to say, his hubris continues to do him in. If he wants even a fraction of the mainstream success he was only starting to get before Grammy 2009 weekend, he really needs to reevaluate the type of music he’s doing and the image he’s trying to sell. I like to think he can still come back, but the longer he sticks around doing the same thing the smaller his chances get.

Did he not read my Help Me? Can someone please forward it to him? I think I gave some pretty solid obvious. But if he doesn’t have time to read, perhaps he ought to check out what Kid Fury has to say:

You need to listen to someone new. On some real shit, baby.

P.S. I liked this video when it was called “I Get Around” 100 years ago.