Credit for this Sinbad-like sight of Chris Brown goes to Billboard.
There are two things I haven’t done in an extremely long time: blow the dust off this blog long enough to write an original post and willfully listen to a Chris Brown album in full. Despite having already written three essays today, I randomly decided to do a track-by-track review of Breezy’s new album X. All hail caffeine for whom all blessings flow. Well, besides The Lord and my lord and gyrator, Beyoncé. I will try to be less of a deadbeat dad to this site, but like many trifling dads, I make no promises.
Wait. This song sounds way better than I remember. Is it the headphones? Being in a more centered state and shit? Unclear, but I now like this. Wait, no I don’t. I hate the beat switch. The production value on this is not it. This would have been better with a live band. This young man needs to learn to appreciate the value of musicians. Where is Quincy Jones ghost when you need it? Oh, he’s still alive. My bad, but you get it.
2. “Add Me In”
The kid is limber, but who knew he is flexible enough to ride Michael Jackson’s dick all the way in heaven? Or well, maybe purgatory ’cause let’s no pretend there weren’t ghosts surrounding the King of Pop. Pun intended. That aside, I like this song.
3. “Loyal” featuring Lil’ Wayne & Tyga
Girl, fuck this song. Now and forever.
4. “New Flame” featuring Usher & Rick Ross
Who produced this? A crafty, but too self-assured eight-year-old who just discovered Garage Band? Chris Brown loves messing up potential with poor production value.
5. “Songs On 12 Play” featuring Trey Songz
This sounds like the audible equivalent of giving R. Kelly a hand job. Chris Brown is younger and occasionally prone to tune it up, so perhaps Pissy appreciates the gesture. It’s somewhat clever – flipping classic R. Kelly song titles into a homage-paying song all its on. However, didn’t The-Dream already do this with his entire catalog — including one song in particular?
6. “101 (Interlude)”
Janet Jackson did it better. Hell, Keri Hilson did it better, too.
7. “Drown In It” featuring R. Kelly
Pissy sure is an arrogant motherfucker. We already know how he likes to get down with respect to waterworks in sex, but this pedophile refuses to exercise even the faintest bit of guilt or self-awareness.
8. “Came To Do” featuring Akon
This song must’ve been recorded in 2005 because that’s the only way I can conceive why anyone would still be collaborating with Akon? Out of respect for my mama, who loved “Locked Up,” I won’t say anything else. Just kidding. This song blows harder than Apol
And did he sample himself? Have more ambition with that blond hair, Christopher.
Although I’ve already seen his nudes, I will reiterate that Chris Brown has some pretty big balls releasing a song called “Stereotype” given everything we’ve come to learn about Chris Brown. Unfortunately, that irony is the most interesting thing about this song. Maybe if I’m drunk at a bar (likely a gay one, the straight ones will still be playing “Loyal”) I might sing the hook to be cordial to my friends obsess with his ass, but I hope not.
10. “Time In Love”
Immediately thought no. Three minutes and 30 seconds later: still no. I’m kidding. I didn’t finish this shit.
11. “Lady In A Glass (Interlude)”
“Lady in the glass dress, I can see right through you.” I’m not doing this. Next.
12. “Autumn Leaves” featuring Kendrick Lamar
I’m a fan of reflective bop, so sold. Shout out to Kendrick Lamar for telling this angry, damaged sum’bitch “you’re reaping what you sow.”
13. “Do Better” featuring Brandy
I’m so sick of hearing Chris Brown insult “bitches.” He hates women and it’s grating to hear a man known for abusing women continue his war cries against them in song. In any event, this is a good song if you’re into that ultra moody subgenre of R&B. Brandy sounds nice albeit unbelievable singing “You niggas is basic.” Okay, Moesha. These two have great chemistry.
14. “See You Around”
This, like Beyoncé “Best I Never Had,” has production take takes cues from the music that plays in the background of your DVD cleaner. I never want to hear this again. And I won’t.
15. “Don’t Gone Be Too Long”
I wish someone would explain to Christopher that the Cash Money method of album making is passé. He could’ve let this on the cutting room floor, or at least sold it to some indiscernible pop star dying to score a mini-hit the world will forget about by the end of this sentence.
16. “Body Shots”
Talented as he is as a performer, to some degree a songwriter, and if you’re in a giving mood, singer, Chris Brown is not much of an artiste. He’s to forward-leaning music as Express is to pushing fashion into new frontier.
“I’m about to do some shots, in your pussy, baby.”
Chris Brown sings about sex like a boy still itching to touch his first boob, or in certain circles, accidentally on purpose run jock first into the kind of boy he likes from behind in gym. This sucks. So much. Jesus.
17. “Drunk Texting” featuring Jhené Aiko
If there’s any R&B artist right now who can properly articulate the perils of drunk texting, it would be Jhené Aiko. As soon as the song started, I went, “Oh, bitch.” Then my body proceeded to bop on its on. Hashtag birdgang. Jhené songs great and equally great singing alongside Chris Brown’s vocals. If he released this right now, it would play nonstop on radio for several months. Actually, that would be awesome for Jhené. Quit playing, Breezy: release this as a single. I can already see myself drunk texting some boy and then turning this song on after. I’ll stripper kick and then reminisce over you. I already see it.
18. “Lost In Ya Love”
Took about 30 seconds for me to put one arm in the ear. Took 30 more for me to silently whisper in my head, “Hey, daddy.” God, let’s forget this ever happened. That is, until I put this on repeat. It’s not remarkable, but it’s subtle, bop-inducing, and sang well. You know, quality R&B. Do that more often, Chris. You’re quite good at it.
19. “Love More” featuring Nicki Minaj.
Like many songs featuring Nicki Minaj, Nicki Minaj is the only reason to give this song a listen. Team Minaj, ya bitch.
20. “Don’t Think They Know” featuring Aaliyah
This is still way better than the Aaliyah vocal-lifting Drake did on “Enough Said.”
21. “Fine China”
I’ll never forgive you people for not making this a bigger hit than it should have been. Never.