I Hate Drake and That Damn Room

I long for the days when the only person I knew named Marvin was a little green sexually ambiguous (re: gay) alien forever wondering where the kaboom was. Oh and you know, the singer, too, who I know realize is the source of the room (re: old studio). Yeah, may his ghost haunt Drake for this whining that irks the hell out of me.

I was never one of those people who took issue with Drake’s emo rap. Anyone who has heard this man gush over Lil’ Wayne can tell he’s obviously a sensitive soul. Unfortunately, this song could drive Ralph Tresvant into a violent rage. Seriously, guy, who is she? What did she do? More importantly, can you give me her number so I can call her and help smooth this out for you.

I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right for you so you can make it right for my ears.

I say that because I’m tired of these kind of songs. Like, dude, is this why Rihanna dropped you after she topped you? This maudlin ass record makes the tracks from 808s and Heartbreaks seem like they have the energy of the I’m Bout It soundtrack by comparison.

Oddly enough, I do like JoJo’s cover of this song but much of that has to do with my yearning for her to do an R&B album. Everyone else’s cover garners the same response I give Drake’s song: Ick. Yawn. Cringe. Stop.

And yeah, boom, splat, ka-pow, too.

This video has only intensified that sentiment. I literally started frowning less than 30 seconds into this. Herman Munster Jr. seems like an exceptionally nice man. So nice that I don’t believe his abuse of the word bitch. C’mon, guy, stop trying to play that role. We all know you say three Hail Mary’s for each time you say “bitches” on wax as soon as you leave the booth. You ain’t got to lie to kick nor do you have to insert the word that often in a song that I thought was supposed to be all sentimental and shit.

I gather that’s supposed to help roughen up the song, but all it does is make him look like an even bigger sourpuss. I would think that all but makes him appear as sexy as condom chewed up by a chihuahua to many.

Also, how much longer are we to expect Drake to agonize over his fear of fame? I don’t understand why he hasn’t gotten over that yet. Please tell me that this won’t be going on for the rest of his career. If he doesn’t want it he can gladly Fed Ex it on over to me. That way I can book sessions with Trey Songz easier.

Even worse, I realize that this song is going to encourage a bunch of drunk dials in the middle of the night where people pour out their hearts to a bunch of people who don’t give a shit. Yes, that’s particularly healthy.

Look, if someone calls you in the middle night in some pseudo whiney face on some “please, baby, baby, please” shtick, do me a favor and hang up on their asses. When they call back tell them, “I heard Drake in the background. You ain’t slick!”

And then hang up again. I’ll let you decide if you want to answer the sober call.

Where Da Melph At?

The things people send me.

Anyone from Louisiana or in my case, Houston, has heard bounce music. I especially love bounce musi from the early to mid 1990s. You know, the really ignorant stuff I should be embarrassed to sing-a-long to but get over it less than a minute later. Among those song is “Punk Under Pressure” by Katey Red. Now, when I heard this song years ago I had no idea that Ms. Katey Red was born with a penis. You know, given most bounce artists didn’t have a video budget or at least the kind of pull to get their videos on any major music channel. I had no idea what she looked like so I had no clue. I don’t particularly care about Katey Red’s genitals one way or another so long as she keeps me entertained.

And trust me, this video entertains the hell out of me. When I finally did start going to go gay clubs – particularly the ones in Houston during breaks from Howard – I heard the latest from Ms. Red and her homegirl boy, Big Freedia. As danceable as it is, I’m not the wobbling kind. I usually just stand there and appreciate observe. No offense to wobblers who read. Some of the people I love most can bounce that ass like a tectonic plate in heat. In fact, one has told me stories about him dancing on stage with Katey Red’s full encouragement as she looked on nearby. That story will be told elsewhere, though.

I gather because these folks are shooting for crossover success (well, as much as a transgendered woman with a regional sound can), we see girls wobbling in the video versus the typical dudes (whom I’ve often seen do it much better with my own eyes, but I digress). Oh well. They shall overcome…at some gay club on a street in New Orleans I’d likely be afraid to be at (the black gay spots tend to be in the worst areas, which I usually get over but New Orleans is a different animal).

In the meantime, I’m just gonna laugh my ass off at this entire video.

I see in the comments section on YouTube some people are rambling on that Dr. King didn’t die so dancers FAT, NAE, REEDY, KEEDY, TRELL, and KEE bend over and bust it open. Yeah, I’ve seen college educated people with professional careers do the same dance moves. I understand that the abundance of this sort of imagery versus a more balanced look at us is a serious problem, but uh, I like bounce music so whatever. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I am not about to get all heavy about a song called “Where Da Melph At?” by a transgendered rapper from New Orleans named Katey Red. Laugh or not. Toot it up or don’t. But, do peep Katey dressed like she’s showing off her Easter clothes collection. Also make note of the fan. She’s just her wig blowing in the wind, baybee.

Oh for those of you who aren’t familiar with bounce or “sissy bounce” as Katey and Big Freedia call it (and I abhor), feel free to check out the New York Times magazine’s wonderfully informative piece by clicking here.

She and Them

I first heard about Odd Future several months go. I don’t remember how the group was described to me. I can only recall not caring enough to do any real digging afterwards. This despite seeing Tyler The Creator’s tweets in my timeline (which actually made me less incline to explore these dudes musically), falling into the Frank Ocean fan club, and coming across repeated articles about just how daring, bold, creative, or vile (depending on who you asked) OFWGKTA was. Yes, I’m only realizing the group’s full name is Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All and OFWGTKA is the acronym many people use when referencing them. Forgive me, I only bothered to listen to an actual Odd Future song about a month ago.

The song – which shall remain nameless because I couldn’t name it even if you offered to pay me commission  - basically sounded like a bunch of teenagers who recently discovered profanity and epithets and wanted to join in the fun ’cause it’s all the rage. Overzealously, of course. Pretty much like the clip posted above. Naturally, that’s something super cute for the music critics to speak on.

Case in point (Via Esquire.com):

But really, what the fk is the big deal about Odd Future?

They make their own beats: no samples. They are young and prodigal. They are anarchists — smart, and catchy ones. Their lyrics are dark and demented, and legitimately controversial.

I’ve long steered away from the music writing (professionally) so while I do love music and try to keep up, I don’t necessarily strive to do so if I don’t have to. In Odd Future’s case, I feel relieved because after finally breaking down and giving ‘em a listen I heard a bunch of noise. As in: “KILL PEOPLE! BURN SHIT! FUCK SCHOOL!”

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Rihanna’s Right

Rihanna finally shoots a video that doesn’t make you think it ought to end with “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline!” and she’s getting grief over it. I used to sometimes get annoyed when she would harp on being a rock star and employ it as a defense tactic for whatever criticism is leveled her way. Not that is isn’t true, but sometimes I think artists hide behind that veil in order to avoid taking any responsibility for what they release into the world. After having read some of the flack Rihanna has netted as a result of the “Man Down” video, I have a better understanding of why she’s so adamant about using the rock star defense.

It largely goes unsaid, but many take issue with Rihanna for not being the picture perfect celebrity domestic violence victim. While she didn’t exactly give that many people cause for concern, folks didn’t like that she didn’t throw Chris Brown under the bus. Nor did she cry on Oprah’s couch, lend her image to some “This could be you!” themed campaign ad, or any of the other things that you expect when a star faces deeply disturbing circumstances. She moved on on her own terms.

I believe that had she become a more vocal advocate about domestic violence it surely would have helped people in similar situations. Yet, not doing any of that was all within her right. The same applies to what she does in her art. She could’ve tied a pretty bow around the subject matter of the video, but she wanted a narrative that she believed was more realistic. Why should we fault her for it? Bad things happen to people and sometimes they allow anger to dictate their actions. In cases of rape, this should not be surprising to anyone. As great a cliché as it is to say, if you don’t want your child watching the video then behave accordingly. Or do your job and answer whatever questions that come from your child as a result of Rihanna doing hers.

Plus, in hindsight Rihanna not tackling rape in such a typical way might arguably help people who need to see things in a more nuanced fashion. The same for her going on with her life and career following her break up with Chris Brown. That’s one thing I have to give Rihanna credit for: She is interesting. There are times when I think her constant sexual innuendoes are repetitive, boring, and a cover for what some feel she may lack but we have to admit she has her moments when she proves she is necessary. You know, beyond the fact that she makes really great pop music and is a vision everywhere she goes.

Case in point, her interview in Rolling Stone. After you got past her rants about the joys of being spanked and tied up, she did offer a rather astute statement about the root of her sexual interests. She said, ”I do think I’m a bit of a masochist. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I noticed until recently. I think it’s common for people who witness abuse in their household. They can never smell how beautiful a rose is unless they get pricked by a thorn.”

As someone who grew up constantly witnessing abuse, I read that comment and had to step back and think about what varying degree her words applied to me and people who faced similar circumstances. Rihanna might not do much in the way of ponying up any real answers to the topics and questions in which she raises (nor does she have to), but she does bring about dialogue. Considering she is very much a rock star, that’s really all we should be asking of her.

She Runs The World, You Ruin Your Brain Cells

Let’s get all of the formalities out of the way first. Yes, I’ve seen Beyoncé’s new video. Of course, I am in love with it. Naturally, I think it’s the best video released so far this year. Actually, I do think it’s probably Beyoncé’s best video to date. Sure, she is putting your favorite to shame. No, I don’t care that you don’t like it. Uh, I’ll pass on arguing back and forth about it. Eh, if you think I have an obsession I think my genitals need a barber.

There, have we covered all of the basics? Seriously, if you like it, I love you, if you don’t, I still love you for caring enough to say so here (although, you should probably email this post to someone who does — they’ll like it more, no?). Anyway, I actually wanted to focus on the morons who are saying Beyoncé’s new video is yet another sign that she is a part of the Illuminati.

Yes, sights of Mufusa, those hating ass hyenas that took Simba’s daddy out, along with some wandering eye all has a village idiot near you thinking that if MTV still did Making The Video, the lost footage would show the devil teaching Beyoncé how to properly flip her hair while doing a sexy stanky legg.

I don’t understand you conspiracy theory loving dimwits are forever looking for the devil in a music video. Why aren’t you in Washington throwing holy water on your trifling ass congressperson and the lobbyist to which he or she serves? Don’t bother giving me an answer the requires a field trip to your acid-abusing friend’s YouTube channel. Just shut up.

Anyway, again, I love the video and since the world is apparently ending tomorrow I better get on the good foot and learn the Tofo Tofo two-step.

You Have Nothing…At All

When I heard that Keri Hilson covered a Whitney Houston song not named “Whatchulookinat,” I assumed it was a Beyoncé stan cracking jokes to pass the time until the video for “Run The World (Girls)” premiered. Then I found out the story was real. My initial reaction was obvious: I’d rather hear Lil’ Boosie cover “Like A Virgin” than catch Keri Hilson covering Nippy’s “I Have Nothing.”

Man, where is Ursula The Sea Witch and a Deal or No Deal host when you need one?

I will say, though, the girl has confidence. Maybe some assumed she had none after the way she flung her vagina around the dungeon room in that God awful video for “The Way You Love Me,” but oh no, folks, it’s there. Why else would she dare to sing a Whitney Houston ballad?

Curiosity got the best me of way, so after listening to her rendition of the song while I give her credit for daring to dream, I hope the nightmare she gave her throat brings her back to reality. I’m not one of those people who think Keri Hilson can’t sing. I think she has a decent voice, only one for pop songs like “Beautiful Mistake” and “Happy Juice.” Or you know, one of those Timbaland tracks. But this here, this shit here, yeah, that ain’t it.

Someone has been whispering in this girl’s ear. I need her ear to buy a flyswatter.

There’s confidence and there’s delusion. Don’t ever confuse the two or you’ll end up sounding like you’re paying homage to the WB frog versus Whitney Houston’s songwriter. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad but it’s not that good either. Worse, it’s further perpetuating this new trend that is artists from the 00s ruining songs from the 1990s and late 80s that we love. This means you Omarion, Sammie, and a couple of other people whose names escape me for good reason. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Or, stick to something like this:

If it helps, Keri, dedicate this part to me:

“Messing with my reputation, ain’t even got no education! Trying to mess with my concentration, ain’t even got a clue w/ what I’m facing!”

I can totally see Keri killing the dance breakdown at the end.

P.S. Keri looked awesome. Gon’….and use that fit and cut for another song selection.

Say What, Lady?

Less than five minutes into Lady Gaga Presents the Monster Ball Tour: At Madison Square Garden I was able to admit something I had been shying from saying aloud for quite some time: Lady GaGa is kind of corny.

As much as I’ve enjoyed her music, it’s hard to continue denying that she sometimes gives off a whiff of Frito-Lay. Especially given the  campy way in which she opened her concert special. Her faux Truth or Dare scene came in the form of GaGa suddenly bursting into tears.

When trying to explain the sudden tear flow, GaGa said, ”I just wanna be a queen for them.”

Ah yes. GaGa is still singing that song about being some downtrodden loser in high school who has gone on to secure pop stardom and is now using it to inspire all of the other outcasts out there that they, too, are somebody special.

It’s a cute message albeit somewhat tainted given what’s come out about her in the last year or so.

For those of you who watch Glee, Lady GaGa is basically Quinn pretending to be Rachel.

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Not Today, Neffe

I wish more people would realize that it’s okay to work at a bank. That way they could save themselves from embarrassing situations like Neffe’s “You Ain’t Did Nothing.” Bless Neffe’s well-meaning heart and abundantly fertile body, but this isn’t the move. Hell, it’s paraplegic.

Maybe times have gotten harder for her now that The Way It Is is officially long gone and the fact that not even Jesus holding a winning lottery ticket covered in bacon could get Frankie and Neffe back on BET. I understand the struggle, but there’s got to be another way.  A way that provides health care to Neffe’s [insert large number here] kids, which a rap career doesn’t typically provide.

In her defense (cherish this sentence, I don’t dare defend her for this in any other one) I can see why Neffe would think a career as a “rapstress”  is not as far fetched as common sense and a bill collector might suggest.

Just yesterday while browsing the Web for stories to write for work, I listened to Ice-T’s interview with Shade 45 in which he explained the current rap landscape and the difficulties (or lack thereof) of breaking in. On how he’d go about pursing a rap career now versus 20 years ago, Coco’s lover for life said, “It would be easy to me today because it doesn’t really require any backbone or anything that comes from anywhere. It’s just if you can sing along with the beat, it’s cool.”

Racksonracksonracks.

That reality is surely not lost on Neffe, only someone should have pulled her to the side and let her know that Bow Wow has a greater chance of becoming pregnant by Antoine Dodson than she does at having a successful rap career.

I don’t say that to be mean (well, cruel) because I kind of like Neffe. She means well. But, I wish she’d take her well meaning ways to a career counselor or a prayer book.

The same goes for her background singer. I don’t know whose cousin that is, but she makes Keyshia Cole sound like Mariah Carey. Actually, I bet Mariah belted better notes mid-push yesterday than this poor soul does on this song. It’s as if she took the key, put it in a choke hold and decided to bitch slap it into oblivion.

Neffe, you ain’t did nothing but give your sister a reason to laugh with this Ripley’s Believe It Or Not style of rapping. Not too hard of a laugh, though. I’m sure you heard Keyshia’s last album. Y’all all could use a bit of musical direction right now.

Thank you, Jia.

Beyoncé To The Rescue

Fear not, fat children of America. The queen has come to save you.

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Hand Clap For Kelendria

Can you stop what you’re doing and give Kelly Rowland a slow hand clap for her new video?

Seriously, this is by far the best solo video Kelly has ever shot. When I first heard “Motivation” I wasn’t really enthused by the track. I actually wondered if Eeyore suddenly got into producing music. About a week ago, though, I gave the song another listen and became hooked.

After watching the video, I have to give Kelly even more praise. She did good. Finally. Kelly has been like that friend (in my head) you just know could do some amazing things if she finally got it right. This is is a nice start. Granted, that start should’ve probably happened in 2002 but let’s just stick to the here and now.

There are so many good things to highlight. Like, the video doesn’t like it wasn’t funded with hopes, dreams, and coupons.

And we finally get to see Kelly dancing again. For a while there I thought she forgot she had any rhythm. Plus, she looks great throughout the video. Her hair looks fresh off the plane and/or boat, her body looks really nice, and her skin is glowing.

Don’t get any false hopes now. This is game peeping game. Nothing more, nothing less.

I feel like this is the video Keri Hilson should’ve made with “The Way You Love Me.”

See, Kelly’s orgy is classy. Well, as classy as I assume an simulated orgy can get.

In Kelly’s video you get the sense that they’re using condoms. By contract, in Keri’s crotch-rocking clip it looked like the theme of the treatment was a bunch of horny people high off hormones and Four Loko’s got a bit carried away and only had one Lifestyle condom to pass around.

See what I mean? Less is more sometimes. Okay, let me leave Keri alone. I don’t want her thinking I hate her ’cause she’s so damn beautiful.

Basically, I think a lot of artists try way too hard when it comes to selling their sexuality. Kelly’s video isn’t overdone. It has the tasteful amount of smut for people who sometimes find themselves bodyrolling at the gym but would never p-pop. You know, because that’s how we motivate ourselves.

Go you, Kelly. Go you.

Now all of you have to do is make sure you perform this song live with some oomph and some good prerecorded live vocals. Just in case. No offense.