Nicki Mirage

It’s time to play another round of “Guess if it’s satire.” Admittedly the last time I tried this I failed. That’s what I get for no longer giving people the benefit of the doubt. Nevertheless the latest contestant in “Is you or is you ain’t a fool?” is Nicki Mirage:

Yeah, she’s serious. Game over. Next topic.

A few weeks back I was having a conversation with a friend and as I tried to stress to her, teenagers, gay men, and now straight women of the more hood variety have all fell in love with Nicki Minaj and thus, it’s only a matter of time before the mainstream crowd jumps on and seals her fate as the first female rapper to matter in nearly a decade.

She countered with claims babies don’t buy albums and that Nicki likely won’t even push gold. But last weekend said friend was in Dallas and noticed a trend. I got a text from that said, “You were right all of these women down here look like Nicki Minaj.”

I don’t lie, folks.

As for this Mirage girl, I think I may let you all handle the clowning. I have yet to file my taxes and something tells me taking digs at people who may or may not be sense-deficient can’t be good for my karma.

Wait, who am I kidding? I can’t help myself.

I won’t talk about the girl for falling for Nicki’s shtick – that’s the point for Nicki and this girl is young, so it’s likely just a phase – but I will note that certain things happen when you only read the title of the Hamburger Helper box to your children.

Some people, such as sexyDIVArichbitch, are for crueler than me and let Ms. Mirage have it on YouTube:

u cant be bad when ya whole room is decorated from Target and ya weave is Grammy which cost $10 a pack(I do hair) bitch dont strive to be a Barbie( a fake plastic white girl) just be a bad bitch…u need more time sweetie

I’d like to point out that there’s nothing wrong with Target. And what does Grammy mean? Obviously not the little statute people want to throw at Taylor Swift anymore.

Anyhow, I along with that bitch who shits on Target might not have the full story. Maybe this person could be an aspiring actress and is using this video as an audition reel with the hopes that she’ll net that starring role in Mama, I Wanna Twirk Something.

Whatever it is, it’s between this girl’s God and her pharmacist so let’s focus on what matters: Me being right.

I can’t guarantee the girl’s sales, but I have a hard time believing Nicki is about to tank. As for those mainstream fans coming along, take note:

That is Michelle Trachtenberg Harriet The Spy/Buffy’s little sister and Dawson, no more creeks and paddles in the car proving they know of Nicki’s existence. I think I love Michelle The Spy now. I would post a video of someone who tapped me doing Nicki’s part on “Lil’ Freak” while I was slightly under the influence of a beverage we’re not going to discuss, but I’m no idiot.

In the meantime, let the record show there’s a good way to play along with Nicki and a much scarier way. Please choose wisely.

The Five Dumbest Reasons To Defend John Mayer

Only a week or so ago was I trying to explain to a friend why I wasn’t all that fond of John Mayer. Musically, he’s a good guitarist and a so-so vocalist. In short: He sings like he’s gargling. Mayer’s artistry aside, he always comes across as a jackass in interviews. The sort of guy who likes to be incendiary because he feels it makes him look “cool.” That’s always a telling sign of someone who didn’t grow up with many friends or attention. Once folks like Mayer get it they do and say whatever to keep it. It’s often hard to separate John Mayer the artist from John Mayer the verbal toilet because the later is so hell bent on drawing attention.

That brings me to his now already infamous Playboy interview, where Mayer gives me another reason to contemplate embracing the term “douche bag.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Who Would Jesus Beat?

Certain sects of the Christian population have become so desperate that they’re willing to sell out their core values for the sake of boosting their numbers.

It’s evident by a slew of new churches selling the message “Jesus wasn’t no punk bitch” as a means of getting more men to join their congregations.

The New York Times recently published a report on the Jesus meets Fight Club marketing plan:

Recruitment efforts at the churches, which are predominantly white, involve fight night television viewing parties and lecture series that use ultimate fighting to explain how Christ fought for what he believed in. Other ministers go further, hosting or participating in live events.

The goal, these pastors say, is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of Jesus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing. “Compassion and love — we agree with all that stuff, too,” said Brandon Beals, 37, the lead pastor at Canyon Creek Church outside of Seattle. “But what led me to find Christ was that Jesus was a fighter.”

Old Testament and certain instances of Jesus cracking the whip out against those that disrespected his pops aside, isn’t the focal point of Jesus’ message about compassion, love, and charity? Are those not the themes he fought for in the most non-violent of ways?

I guess not:

Read the rest of this entry »

Child Abuse Is Not A Ticket to 106 & Park

If you were accused of breaking both arms of your one-year-old daughter along with one of her legs, three of her ribs and her collarbone would what you do? If you’re stumped don’t fret, I have a few suggestions:

1. Kill yourself.

2. Kill yourself slowly and painfully.

3. Wait for the gas chamber to do the deed.

Whatever option you choose be certain it results in you no longer gracing the Earth as a walking, talking example of human trash.

That is, if you’re guilty. Should you be found completely innocent I suggest you reevaluate the relationships you forge with people and look into some serious couples counseling.

But if you’re actually evil and twisted enough to brutally beat a defenseless baby, please run into a speeding Hummer barefoot on a hot summer’s day.

At the very least, don’t do some stupid shit like the following:

Now I’ve driven by Johnnie Cochran’s law building a few times so I think that qualifies me to offer a smidgen of legal advice.

I don’t know Kesan Moore. I never watched From Gs To Gents so I can’t say anything about his character or the one reality producers helped him play on TV. All I know is that he’s been accused of beating his own child. That in of itself suggests something’s not right with him. He’s either cruel or careless — two qualities that should result in automatic spaying.

Whatever lead to his daughter’s injuries will be up to the po-po, judge, and potential jury to decide, but here’s one thing that I hope can be agreed upon now: It’s stupid as hell to create a video based on serious legal allegations involving your child.

Or so I thought.

Making matters worse is that judging from the commentators of this video he’ll be further convinced he should do more stunts like this.

I saw some fool say we don’t know what happened, let God judge them. Bitch shut up before a thunderbolt cracks your damn skull in the next storm.

As far as Kesan and this track: Uh, the media doesn’t care about you. I bet every news anchor that read your name in reference to this story hadn’t a clue as to who you were before they saw their script.You’re not even on Tila Tequila’s level. Why would there be a media conspiracy against you?

The only people gunning for you are the police and if you’re proven guilty then I’ll be tempted to send those dudes some donuts after conviction.

Is he really filming him turning himself in to the police while giving a radio interview? Like he literally took the time to plan a music video out in response to allegations he almost killed his own child. This is the type of subject matter that requires wardrobe? Is this real life, ya’ll?

What would possess a person to see this as an opportunity to spit hot fire? Fool, call your lawyer, not a producer.

If he turns out to be innocent, fine. But no parent ought to be using this as a means of generating buzz for their would be rap career.

Please oh please let a microwave heat up and destroy his sperm like a Hot Pocket.

Get It Out Of Your System Already

In an old white man made a politically incorrect statement on national TV news, Chris Matthews has managed to steer some of the attention away from President Obama with his on-air revelation that for an hour he forgot what box the President would check off on his census forms as he delivered the State of the Union address.

For those of you unfamiliar with the name Chris Matthews here’s a sample offering of the gold he dishes out weekdays on Hardball which airs at 5:00 PM EST on MSNBC (cut the check, MSNBC…a plug is a plug):

Those of us familiar with the show aren’t the least bit surprised that Chris managed to mouth this off with a straight face. These sorts of comments are very typical of him. Chris seems to have an affinity for speaking without being bogged down by the tedious task of thinking first. His heart may have been in the right place, but his tongue obviously opted to go in another direction.

I can imagine how many of you reacted to this clip:

1. First, you take a second to try and make sure your ears aren’t deceiving you and ask yourself, “What did that muthafucka just say?” Then you put that cup down to raise your middle finger.

Read the rest of this entry »

They’re Making It Hard For Me

I had it all planned out. I was going to write a blog about snobbery. How wrong it is, how even I sometimes slip up and engage in behavior unbecoming of someone who wants everyone on the planet to love me and throw their money behind my work, and why we all need to take a little step back and give people the benefit of the doubt. Or at the very least, try to be more understanding.

And then I read three stories this morning that have me revisiting my argument. Not that it’s changed, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just tempted to start a “Damn You Dumb Asses” t-shirt line.

The first story details how Tisha Campbell’s sister has named her new born baby Nina Minaji Campbell.

Read the rest of this entry »

The LA Gang Tour

Now that it’s been an official year since I’ve moved my jig to LA I can say that the city is uh, you know, like, I don’t know, eh, cool? Yeah, let’s go with cool. Once I’m making enough money to be able to twirk on the rooftop of The London to UGK on my own dime then I’ll try one of the L-words to describe my feelings on the city.

However, one thing I don’t like about California is that it’s as a desperate as the groupie section of VIP at a given club during All-Star Weekend. I’m surprised the state motto hasn’t been changed to, “I’ll suck yo dick…if you can help balance the budget.”

Seriously, I know they say you can’t knock the hustle but I surely can knock some of the ways the state and its citizens try to make some much needed cash. No worries, I’m not about to rant the two tickets I wrongly got and will be contesting (the meter was broke and I didn’t run the light, you liars).

No, instead I’m going to highlight something my sister brought to my attention yesterday.

Say there, Angelenos (thank God for Google and Wikipedia – I didn’t know what to call ya’ll), is there really a tour bus for the gang scene out here?

Indeed there is and for $65 you can tour South Central, visit with Bloods and Crips, and treat yourself to a real LA-gang life experience.

My initial reaction to the idea of paying to take a field trip to the hood was:

Then I wondered just who the hell would pay for this?

Silly me, why even ask when you know: The melanin-challenged and their color-limited friends with thick accents of various European origins.

Read the rest of this entry »

Pastors and Pistols

While Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine investigate non-existent clues to prove Jay-Z has signed Satan to Roc Nation, there’s a preacher out in the world telling his congregation how to load a gun. If you’re asking yourself what would Jesus do, go with whatever answer that’s closest to not talking about hallow point bullets during service.

This folks is Pastor Tony Smith, no doubt yet another name in the growing list of false idols who will soon meet God’s fists.

I would love to elaborate on more of what the not so good reverend had to say about the importance of knowing how to load a gun during church, but I can’t really make out what he’s saying.

If my screen had a scratch and sniff option for this video I don’t doubt for a second it wouldn’t smell like fatback, scrapple, and 70 years ago.

Read the rest of this entry »

Back That Azz Up

Do you want a bigger booty the caption of this video clip asks? Are you tired of your life being described as, “Boys don’t make passes at girls with flat asses?” If so, the makers of Dime Curve Buttocks enhancement have the “solution” for you.

And by solution, I mean something that just may turn your ass cheeks green and lopsided.

I saw a link for this clip in my comments section. Apparently my spam blocker has its limits. No matter, because this is just the type of foolery to start your day off right (or greet you in the afternoon – I am West Coast based now, ya’ll).

Be sure to watch the clip because I want somebody’s off brand medical expertise to enlighten me.

According to this fauxmercial, you buy their magic pill and – bam – soon you’ll be able to use the phrase “chew this ass” and not be met with obnoxious laughter.

How does that work?

Is their cornbread in that mixture?

Better yet after you stop using this “medicine” what happens to your two fuller frames? Does your ass just deflate the day at your strip club try out?

Wouldn’t that be tragic?

As you can see my questions grow almost as fast as your ass is supposed to if you use this product.

I can’t say that I completely fault anyone for wanting to boost the booty. These days it’s so necessary. Still, I have a hard time believing a magic pill is the answer.

Or essentially buying your cakes a push-up bra. I keep seeing this commercial and I’m more dumbfounded each time. I suppose this is much safer than using a turkey baster full of Crisco like the trannies and project chicks, but c’mon nah.

Ya’ll are making me nervous. Who should I blame for this? Nicki Minaj? Amber Rose? Omarion? I can’t say that I’m a breast man unless it’s on a heated wheat bun with shredded lettuce, mustard, and maybe cheese (I’m lactose intolerant, I have my limits) so I get the power of the b-o-o-t-y, but like I said this all seems “interesting.”

If any reader here has bought or plans to purchase this please share your story. I promise I’m not using you the crash test dummy of ass answers. I’m just curious is all.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hit the Stairmaster and think of some ways to make money off folks.

Beyonce Promotes Popeye’s, Not Satan

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I imagine I could save more brain cells freebasing than I could watching some sophomoric nonsense like this. And yet, once I saw someone post this video I couldn’t help but look at it. I don’t know, maybe I’m seriously that much of a masochist. Or, maybe I simply want to understand why so many people have this undying need for a boogyman.

When I watched this video, I took at it as some sort of dark comedy. Beyonce using the treatment for “Video Phone” to serve Satan? Surely this is some brilliant piece of satire. It isn’t. This guy and his bad James Earl Jones impersonation are dead serious in trying to convince the masses that the occult is hiding in Beyonce’s twirks.

And like good little sheep who were never blessed with the gift from God called critical thinking skills, they eat this right up.

Mind numbing examples:

Read the rest of this entry »