Eric Kane

I imagine Drake spent much of today fighting off tears as he performed the “Are You That Somebody” choreography in his living room as a tribute to the late Aaliyah on her birthday. Aubrey has made his affinity for Aaliyah creepily clear with his constant shout outs, random open letters to the dead that seemed more appropriate for a séance versus a blog post, and now shots like these featuring the face of the singer on his surprisingly nice back. While I know it’s Drake’s body and he and Lil’ Wayne are free to do with it as they please (kidding, y’all), it’s still weird — even for reasons outside the obvious.

Okay, so you decided to put that somebody on your body. Fine, whatever, super stan. But, why is Mr. Owl from the Tootsie Roll pop commercials on the other side of your back, though? I’m assuming one of The Fabulous Freebirds atop Aaliyah is a joint homage to the NWA and the original motion picture soundtrack for Dr. Dolittle. Then again, I’m trying to make sense of someone who acts like he used to pass notes with Aaliyah in class. Silly, silly me. Let’s just focus on the positive: Drake’s got great arms, too. Makes me wanna go do a push up. Any minute now, folks.

Alright, enough of that. Explain those tattoos to me post haste. I need answers.

P.S. Don’t worry about the “Eric Kane” title. That was for Drakey. If he saw it, I’m sure he’d dig it.

Check Your Facts, Not Beyoncé

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Last week I read an article on The Root entitled “Beyoncé’s Incredible, Miraculous Pregnancy,” in which the writer basically assailed my lord and gyrator under the false allegation that she was shoving her pregnancy down everyone’s throat and that she needed to quit acting as if she’s the only person in history to be with child.

Part of the piece included jabs like this:

I’m happy for you, Bey, but the joy growing inside your womb is not the blueprint, and it is not biblical. It isn’t the Visitation; nor is it the dawn of a new epoch in the human calendar. It’s a baby.

Not to mention a subheading called “A Mom-To-Be Who Knows Her Place.”

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Now you know I had to write a response to that. In my latest essay for The Root, “It’s Not Beyoncé, It’s You” I hit back at all of the author’s off base accusations and remind her and others that it’s none of our places to tell a woman to tame her excitement about becoming a mother. You can click here to check it out.

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Feel free to hit like, tweet, and email the piece around. You an also hit your sexy and slow stanky legs, too. And remember: Watch you what you say about the Queen. The hive ain’t having it.

Baby, Get A Grip

I wanted to call this post “Conspiracy Cunts,” but I figured that might not be the best thing to have on my Twitter feed and Google index. I blame the Puritans. That’s still pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous story about Beyoncé faking her pregnancy all the same.

I noticed on the very night Beyoncé casually announced being with child that the headmistress of online sensationalism quickly barked that it was all a farce. That was to be expected if you’ve ever read the blog. Unfortunately, I gave other people the benefit of the doubt. I never learn, damn closet idealism.

There are people who actually believe Beyoncé is fronting about her growing fetus. And not just fronting: She’s cut her fancy pillow up into the shape of a prosthetic belly, which folds in front of foreign journalists. This video is tagged as “Best Proof Ever Beyonce is faking her pregnancy!! But Why? What u think?”

I think an insanely sad number of people are fucking morons.

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I’m only getting started, too.

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Beyoncé To The Rescue

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Fear not, fat children of America. The queen has come to save you.

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She Runs The World, You Run Your Mouth

There’s always going to be silly criticism about Beyoncé, but sometimes I wish I could borrow her fan to blow some of your asses away.

I have longed accepted that not everyone will like Beyoncé.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I think people like that suffer from some sort of personality disorder. Be that as it may I respect people’s right to deny greatness and available medication from their virtual pharmacist, iTunes.

What I don’t cut for her is the notion of coming for the Queen’s throat over an unfinished demo.

Such is the case for Beyoncé’s new single, “Girls (Who Run The World).”

The version that was leaked yesterday is not the finished product. Not surprisingly, that fun fact hasn’t stopped people from writing soliloquies about how it’s time to lock Beyoncé out of the studio based on what they’ve heard.

I don’t really care if some folks don’t like it ‘cause everyone else will.

What does irritate me a bit, though, is one aspect of the criticism largely centered on the idea that her single and its lyrics aren’t “deep enough.”

If you’re looking for the meaning of life from Beyoncé I need for you to go and let your forehead kiss the sidewalk.

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Leave Beyoncé’s Uterus Be

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Yesterday, a vicious and terrible lie spread across the Internet that my queen and yours, Beyoncé, had an unauthorized visitor in her uterus. Quickly, many assumed that Beyoncé was finally knocked up with Jay-Z’s seed and would be sending Gerber a request to make a baby food version of red beans and rice. Some then quickly moved to start conceiving baby names for the couple while others began to cry silent tears over a botched new album and world tour in 2011.

Meanwhile, the sad souls of pop culture (those who suffer from Beyoncé denial disorder) started conjuring false hope for their respective favorites. You know, because they’re too clueless to realize that even if the Queen were breeding a princess or prince she wouldn’t simply get a doctor-approved p-pop ready for the promotional trail.

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As if, folks. As freaking if.

When I read Us Weekly’s “report,” it immediately sounded sketchy to me. One, any real Beyoncé fan knows that she has been rumored to be pregnant every six months for the last ten years. In fact, if I played a drinking game themed around the number of times Bey has been rumored to be knocked up, I’d likely be dead within the first 15 minutes of playing.

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Why do people keep trying to give this girl morning sickness?

Us Weekly’s source said: “B was shocked. She loves kids, but she wasn’t ready to be a mother just yet. She really wanted to get her album done and tour the world again.”

It’s highly unlikely to see someone as calculated as she suddenly have an “unplanned pregnancy.” So, ye ain’t fooling me.

The same goes to this other “insider” who added that Beyoncé was in her first trimester and realized that “this is a gift from God and she’s so happy.”

We may all differ on religious beliefs but I’d like to think we share a faith in a God who wouldn’t be cruel enough to leave us with just Keri Hilson and Ciara (look, she gave them a chance to shine and they failed miserably — those are the breaks). Yes, Willow’s whipping her hair back and forth, but she’s still a few years away from being tall enough to actually snatch anybody’s wig.

And while I am pretty certain I’ll enjoy Rihanna’s new album, you know that girl dances like she was choreographed by Ambien.

Beyoncé is needed.

Thankfully, Mama Tina shut this shit down before people really got carried away from themselves.

Hopefully, you learned a few things from yesterday.

Like: Traditional media outlets can be just as bad and factually flawed as the very bloggers they often like to criticize.

And: Your favorites still need prayer because the Queen won’t be jiggin’ for two.

Also: Don’t believe anything about a highly private person unless they confirm it. If it took Beyoncé 19 years to tell you she let Jay-Z have a piece of her drumstick, what makes you think she’s carrying his loosie that quickly?

Now, one day there will come a point when she decides to go off and have some super talented and incredibly blessed kids. That, of course will be quite lovely and stuff so long as it occurs after I get a new album and see her in concert.

Selfish? Yeah, but whatever. Who told you I was perfect?

Besides, based on the numerous interviews where she’s spoken on the matter, I’m inclined to think she’ll have some kids when she’s good and ready. Until she decides she wants to grant someone the green light to flow from her birth canal, leave her alone.

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Thanks.

Baltimore, Get Your Girl

Harpo, who this woman?

Judging from the way she pronounced “YouTube” it was easy to peg her as a resident of (Baltimore) Baldamo, Murrland. Or as she and other choice locals like to call it, Bodymore, Murderland. With a nickname like that it’s no wonder the town also branded as Charm City is such a tourist haven.

Let me quit clowning before I get a bunch of hollow points left in my comment section. Some of my favorite people on Earth are from Baltimore. This girl, however, isn’t one of them.

To be fair, she’s not a bad rapper at all. She has some issues with breath control but given the size of her stomach I can understand why. That’s either a baby in her belly or a 20 piece nugget at McDonalds.

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Love This Now

I’m trying to type this without sounding like I’m filled with tang, but dammit, why don’t some of you like this video? What’s wrong with you? What is there not to like about this video?

It’s weird? It’s Lady GaGa. Stop it. It’s too long. It’s a mini-movie, enjoy the production value you attention deficit disorder suffering doof. OK, that was a little mean, but well…ten minutes isn’t going to kill you.

I also stumbled along up this opinion via MTV News:

However, Jess Wachtel had a more cynical view of the nearly ten-minute long video. “Looks like Beyoncé and her put together a video to sell some records,” he said.

Oh my God. A pop star is trying to sell records. The world is changing so drastically. I don’t feel like I belong anymore.

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Nicki Mirage

It’s time to play another round of “Guess if it’s satire.” Admittedly the last time I tried this I failed. That’s what I get for no longer giving people the benefit of the doubt. Nevertheless the latest contestant in “Is you or is you ain’t a fool?” is Nicki Mirage:

Yeah, she’s serious. Game over. Next topic.

A few weeks back I was having a conversation with a friend and as I tried to stress to her, teenagers, gay men, and now straight women of the more hood variety have all fell in love with Nicki Minaj and thus, it’s only a matter of time before the mainstream crowd jumps on and seals her fate as the first female rapper to matter in nearly a decade.

She countered with claims babies don’t buy albums and that Nicki likely won’t even push gold. But last weekend said friend was in Dallas and noticed a trend. I got a text from that said, “You were right all of these women down here look like Nicki Minaj.” And these days you can’t go to the corner store, turn on television without hearing her coming through the radio, TV or computer speakers. She is everywhere! Not to mention on magazine covers galore.

She countered with claims babies don’t buy albums and that Nicki likely won’t even push gold. But last weekend said friend was in Dallas and noticed a trend. I got a text from that said, “You were right all of these women down here look like Nicki Minaj.”

I don’t lie, folks.

As for this Mirage girl, I think I may let you all handle the clowning. I have yet to file my taxes and something tells me taking digs at people who may or may not be sense-deficient can’t be good for my karma.

Wait, who am I kidding? I can’t help myself.

I won’t talk about the girl for falling for Nicki’s shtick – that’s the point for Nicki and this girl is young, so it’s likely just a phase – but I will note that certain things happen when you only read the title of the Hamburger Helper box to your children.

Some people, such as sexyDIVArichbitch, are for crueler than me and let Ms. Mirage have it on YouTube:

u cant be bad when ya whole room is decorated from Target and ya weave is Grammy which cost $10 a pack(I do hair) bitch dont strive to be a Barbie( a fake plastic white girl) just be a bad bitch…u need more time sweetie

I’d like to point out that there’s nothing wrong with Target. And what does Grammy mean? Obviously not the little statute people want to throw at Taylor Swift anymore.

Anyhow, I along with that bitch who shits on Target might not have the full story. Maybe this person could be an aspiring actress and is using this video as an audition reel with the hopes that she’ll net that starring role in Mama, I Wanna Twirk Something.

Whatever it is, it’s between this girl’s God and her pharmacist so let’s focus on what matters: Me being right.

I can’t guarantee the girl’s sales, but I have a hard time believing Nicki is about to tank. As for those mainstream fans coming along, take note:

That is Michelle Trachtenberg Harriet The Spy/Buffy’s little sister and Dawson, no more creeks and paddles in the car proving they know of Nicki’s existence. I think I love Michelle The Spy now. I would post a video of someone who tapped me doing Nicki’s part on “Lil’ Freak” while I was slightly under the influence of a beverage we’re not going to discuss, but I’m no idiot.

In the meantime, let the record show there’s a good way to play along with Nicki and a much scarier way. Please choose wisely.

Breaking Down Barbie

Pursed lip people unite?

Upon further listens of her mixtape and viewings of her performances online, I think I like Nicki Minaj.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get, “Young money, red flag, no more auditions. ASK LIL’ WAYNE WHO THE FIVE STAR BITCH IS!” out of my head.

Sorry for the caps, but I wanted you to know that I just sang it in my head as I typed it.

There’s something about her that’s somewhat annoying yet as previously mentioned, very much intriguing.

Not to mention while back at home I noticed that Nicki’s appeal is expanding.

While at a club they played the remix to “5 Star Chick” and people (OK, me and the person behind me) were annoyed that they didn’t play Nicki’s part.

And then while at Target one day I spotted some teenager blasting Nicki’s mixtape from her headphones. Like it or not, ya’ll, her time is coming. Female rappers haven’t been viable for much of the decade. This girl is about to flip that around in the next.

So given that I never want to behind on what’s going on in pop culture and all I took it upon myself to figure out what’s been one of my biggest hurdles in getting her: Understanding those words that come out of her mouth.

Calling it the “Nictionary,” her fan page breaks it down for the people who paid attention in English class.

Official Secret Society Barbie Statement :

I’m a GIRL \ and I’m RICH \ its BARBIE \ YOU little BITCH!!!!!

My first instinct was to immediately hit the red X and run back to my copy of Hardcore.

But folks, I refuse to be old at 25. I just can’t. Nicki is about to turn 25, which means I should still be able to get it…or at least, fake it when my nieces are old enough to quote this girl back to me (and I tell them to go read a book or something).

One reason I stopped following Nicki on Twitter is because once you start reading her timeline you get the idea of what a brain aneurysm must feel like it.

Now I have help and since I don’t like to suffer alone, I’m passing this off to you, too.

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