No Matter Which Shade Of Black, The Movie Sounds Wack

The story seemed so ludicrous that I easily dismissed it, especially given the earliest reports didn’t specify the exact role actress Zoe Saldana would be playing in the long-delayed Nina Simone biopic. But alas, it seems that Saldana will in fact be portraying the life of singer, songwriter, pianist and activist and not the singer’s daughter. A back and forth has predictably albeit understandably ensued upon the confirmation.

Some have quickly scrutinized the choice of casting largely on the merits of aesthetics. It’s somewhat cringeworthy to hear it explained in the context of “Zoe doesn’t look Black enough,” yet beyond such a provocative statement is a legitimate critique that a fair-skinned, ultra thin, Black actress portraying a woman who was everything but is a bit of a slap in the face to Simone’s legacy – which this movie purportedly seeks to honor.

At the same time, one could make the case that if the people behind the movie initially wanted Mary J. Blige in the role (who reportedly left due to the project’s troubles with financing) perhaps what’s most important to the project’s handlers is a name versus a look.

After all, we do live in a world where Ne-Yo can say he turned down the chance to play Dr. Martin Luther King on the big screen because he didn’t want to gain any extra pounds following the formation of a new physique to coincide with a new album.

That reality allows for another and maybe more credible argument to make against the project.

As much as I adore Mary J. Blige and don’t doubt her claims that she was working hard to deliver a credible performance, didn’t she essentially start the long running joke about this movie among skeptics? All Saldana’s casting does is offer doubters another way to deliver a punch line. And rightfully so, actually, because while Saldana is a decent actress, even if she looked like Nina’s long lost twin she’d still be an odd choice to play the high priestess of soul.

Nina Simone is someone who once argued “Slavery has never been abolished from America’s way of thinking.”

Meanwhile, Zoe infamously told EBONY magazine last year, “We have a Black president right now. So why the f— would I sit down and talk about how hard it is for Black women in Hollywood when there’s a Black president in my country?”

To get someone with Zoe Saldana’s mentality to portray the likes of Nina Simone on screen is akin to asking Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta’s Joseline Hernandez to play Assata Shakur – and even then I might give the edge to Joseline.

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Few Things

I believe that’s been my expression for a few days now. I think it’s what adults call the worries of working. Believe me, it’s overrated. As I get over that and myself, allow me to run ya’ll a couple of updates.

One, if you’re interested, I’m doing a radio interview for a Blog Talk Radio program called The Gay Agenda.

A reader was nice enough to reach out to me and after much delay (mainly my fault), I’m going to do the interview. Will be talking entertainment, blogging, politics and – gulp – me.

If you’re interested in listening in or sending questions, you can find information for all of that here.

I’m not really sure I have a gay agenda outside of the desire to be treated as if I don’t have a toe growing out of my ear and spreading Beyonce’s love so we’ll see how this conversation goes.

The write up for me sounds super duper nice. Almost too nice. I was referred to as an LGBT activist. One week I’m deemed a comedian, the next an activist. Maybe this is the path I’ll ultimately take but until then, I’m consider myself a writer in need of a book deal (but I need to shut up and get my proposal together, coming…I swear), and a spiffy brownstone in Brooklyn. Oh, and silly things like health insurance (with a job that won’t cause me to need it for rehab).

But yes, I’ll be on the program tonight between 8-9 pm EST. If you’re on West Coast time, it’s two days ago.

People are learning I’m alive. What a reason to jig, get it big.

OK, with that said next topic.

I wrote a piece for Aol News about the “ebonics” translator. I think the title is silly, but I find the criticism even sillier. It seems the DEA is being practical versus political. If you’d like to read why I feel that way, click here.

Last and certainly not least, I hope you have rocked the boat, worked the middle and changed positions in honor of the late Aaliyah.

Yes, some people are fans come lately, no, she wasn’t an opera singer but why do people feel the need to say this every single year?

She was talented, beautiful, and most of all, seemed genuine. And she kept her business to herself — a lot art in entertainment if there ever were one.

Her last album was so well put together and it’s unfortunate we didn’t get to hear more from her.

God rest her soul.

Alright, so that’s everything. Updates to come tomorrow. If not, feel free to curse me out.

OK, you can go twirk now:

It’s A Big Blog Now

Monday marked the fifth anniversary of The Cynical Ones. Surprise, surprise that I’m celebrating the moment days after the fact. Actually, I had no original plans to honor the moment but then I thought about it — it’s been five years. That’s certainly a number worth celebrating, huh?

It is so here I am.

My very first entry was a post about my very first date with a guy. Only at the time I didn’t specify gender because I was still too embarrassed to publicly state something I knew about myself even back in daycare. Ask me about during nap time. Or not. Bottom line, that entry was pitiful. I only keep it up to remind me to never write anything that awful again.

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Girl, Get Up

Not to sound insensitive, but of all people who are afforded a pass for pulling a Donnie McClurkin minus the penis Rihanna is the last person I would pay it forward to.

When Beyonce slips and fall it’s because she’s typically twirking every last calorie of her two-piece dinner off her body.

When Lady GaGa falls to the floor it’s spurred by her exhaustion levels — which developed because the constant perfectionist is giving her all on stage.

I can even understand why Michelle Williams can fall. As a late bloomer on the team skinny side of life let me warn you about what a strong wind might do to us. Besides, I still don’t doubt that Sasha Fierce pushed her out of the way for stepping into her light.

That said, I get why they might take a tumble but not Rihanna.

Although I did write that post about Rih-Rih improving as a performer, it’s not like she’s started doing acrobats during her performance.

She still walks from left to right only every seventh step she puts a twist and dip into it. That’s commendable for her, but c’mon nah, that’s no reason to fall.

I didn’t laugh when she fell for fear that the Illuminati would get me got over a giggle, but I will say this: Girl, get up.

You weren’t walking in stilettos nor were you doing anything your choreographer spent hours teaching you to do. You were walking to remind the other people in the arena to wake their tired asses up.

Kidding, kidding…kinda.

I will give the girl one thing, though: Despite initially looking ready to fly into space on the fall, she made up for it by dropping to the ground and humping it. That’s totally something I would expect her to do.

Bravo on that, Rihanna.

Guest Blog: Tyler’s Conundrum

Crunk & Disorderly has been very good to me. Fresh, mistress of fuckery and all things ratchet, constantly gives me a shout and opportunities to get people to know that I’m alive. Justin, who also writes for the site, routinely shows love for my work and helps bring attention to my site. So I’m trying to pay it forward.

I asked Justin, who has also started blogging on his own site, The Wandering Prince, to contribute a guest blog and he’s decided to chime on everyone’s favorite target and/or inspiration, Tyler Perry.

Now before you read, let the record show that I’d probably stuff Madea’s bra if the check was right.

That said, ya’ll be really really nice to Justin and check out his entry below:

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It’s Barbie, Bitch

No, I can’t let it go. Not until after this post anyway. It really irritates me when people act like there’s only one form of hip-h0p. UGK has its place as does Outkast as does Kanye West or someone like Tyga and his damn “Coconut Juice.”

Nevertheless, I just wanted to point out that Keys came hard at Nicki Minaj yet in this video she sounds like she’s been blasting Beam Me Up Scotty.

The word swagger has become the herpes of vernacular so I’m reluctant to use it, but in this instance I can’t think of anything else to say but: She’s swagger jacking Nicki.

How appropriate considering she just dissed the hell out of her.

OK, that’s all I wanted to point out. Talk amongst yourselves.

Too Soon

A 13-year-old girl lost her life yesterday because a man with the temperament of a rabies-inflicted dog lost his cool over his own stupid mistake.

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Resolutions For You, Me, & Them

Whenever I hear people point out that one doesn’t have to wait until New Year’s to begin their resolutions I stop to look out at the sky and wait for these folks to also remind me that the shit is still blue.

As obvious as it is to point out that anyone can attempt a new lease on life on any given day of the week, it’s just as obvious to realize that symbolism means something to many. You look to the start of the New Year with a clean slate and thus, set your goals around it.

To that end, I’d like to share some New Year’s Resolutions for myself and those who need it the most.

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Mama, I Need A Career Planner

I know I can’t be the only one who looked at this trailer and took it as a cry for help.

I get the sense that some of you feel as though I’ve been harsh on Ciara in recent months. The anonymous reader who called me an embittered homosexual for my last post, “Help Me: Ciara,” tipped me off. Next thing you know someone’s going to say Jesus doesn’t like me anymore and that Mohammad will be waiting for me outside the club next weekend to whoop my punk ass.

Instead of someone asking why I go so hard on Ciara shouldn’t folks start asking why she makes it so easy?

Take this trailer for Mama, I Want To Sing for example. Now I’m certain in Ciara’s mind she thought her first starring role in a feature film would place her alongside the other singers who really have no business acting. I seriously don’t want to put a damper on her triple threat ambitions, but who is advising her on her prospective film career? Taimak?

I get the fact that the original play the film is based on is highly popular, but somewhere along the way during shooting it had to have dawned on Ciara that something wasn’t right. I don’t even think Bookman from Good Times would do this movie. You can tell there’s a lot wrong with this film based on the trailer.

Like the younger version of the main character having a better voice than that of the adult. How is the movie going to start off with the little girl blowing her grown self out of the water? Where do they do that at? If the character’s vocal abilities were going to peak before puberty perhaps the movie should be renamed Mama, I Want To Go To College.

Oddly enough, I don’t fault Lynn Whitfield and Patti Labelle for signing up for this film. I write a blog called The Recession Diaries, so I stay up on economic news — even Lady Marmalade isn’t turning as many tricks as she used to. I’m not mad, Patti. I’m not mad at all. Things haven’t been right for your acting career since Out All Nite was canceled anyway. I personally still find it to be a great injustice.

Yet while Patti and Lynn get the OK for anything that pays Ciara, on the other hand, should’ve known better. The same can be said for Billy Zane. How does one go from starring alongside Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Hollywood blockbusters to co-starring in straight-to-DVD films with Juanita Bynum and Ciara?

God be an answer to that riddle.

As it turns out the premiere of this film was supposed to be last night. Guess what? It got abruptly canceled due to technical difficulties…whatever that means. You know, if it were me I’d go ahead and put on my nicest pair of sweats, head over to the spiffiest Walmart I could find and snap a picture of myself holding the DVD near the clearance bin. Then after that I’d go home, hack my imdb page and delete any listing with my name attaching me to the project.

Ciara, please go find someone who’s going to go to bat for you. Otherwise you’ll be lucky if you can star in Bring It On 45. Or better yet go work on a follow-up album that will shut people like me up. This ain’t it.

No.

I’m not one to tell a person to give up on their dreams, but do ya’ll know anyone out there hiring? I have a friend in my head who might need to look into a new career path.

When I first heard this song I thought it was great. Upon additional listens I thought it was alright, but wasn’t going to make that much noise. After this video, I’m wondering why Def Jam just didn’t give this video’s budget to me. If they’re going to waste money on some random effort why not send me the cash? At least I’m going to be successful.

I really don’t like taking shots at Amerie. She’s pretty, intelligent, and seems genuinely dedicated to improving as an artist. Yet…she doesn’t’ seem to get it. The video itself is nice. As always, Amerie is visually stunning and the video itself is put together well, but this isn’t what people want from Amerie.

I’m going to keep saying it until artists start listening to me: Know your lane.

Amerie – like so many other singers before her – have fallen into the unfortunate belief that everyone has to be a superstar.

Her debut album continues to be one of the best R&B albums of the decade. She should’ve stuck with the sound that worked for and been content with the niche she carved. It’s why artists like Maxwell can take 19-year-old breaks and come back and still sell without topping the Billboard Hot 100 and why you forget about artists like Ashanti three weeks after their first unsuccessful single.

Can someone pass this message to her and other decent tone yet vocally inconsistent rhythm-challenged singers:

There’s only one spot right now for a girl who fits that category so repeat after me: Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Now go find someone else to be. Try yourself, because looking like Lady GaGa’s late cousin isn’t it.

But gon’ head, Amerie, keep doing what you doing even though you should know it won’t do nothing for you. Said with love, of course.