The Week In 10

As I’m sure many of you noticed, I didn’t blog much last week. It wasn’t my intention, but these things happen sometimes I guess. You forgive me, right?

Probably not so if you need to, feel free to take a moment to roll your eyes and think in your mind, “You ain’t shit.”

Feel better?

Alright, let’s move on. Anywho, this is the perfect time to bring back the recurring “The Week In 10.”

So yeah, let’s go here it is:

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1. Nicki Minaj performs on The Late Show with David Letterman.

It’s not that Nicki Minaj is a bad performer, it’s just she’s turning out not to be the performer I imagined her to be. Actually, the more I hear her solo singles I worry that she might not ultimately be the artist I thought she would be either.

On the songs she’s featured on, she embodies all of the charm, theatrics, and fun that made her the most buzzed about female rapper in over a decade. On her solo singles, she comes across as someone trying out to be a pop star. I gather her rationale is by doing so it will make it easier for her to net mainstream attention.

The irony of that is she was already getting that attention by just being herself.

Like really, when you have Harriet the Spy mimicking your raps in the car with Dawson, no creek, you don’t have to do the most. And by the most, I mean acting like Fergie and Gwen Stefani.

I like “Check It Out,” but I don’t get why she’s pushing this song so hard. It’s not doing that well and it sounds nothing like what made her popular.

I’m all for growth, but this direction seems rooted in cynicism.

Nicki, if you want to learn how to dance, okay.

If you want to make even more odd faces, cool. I’ll step my cookies up and practice that along with my fake accents.

Hell, even though I don’t like it all that much, if you want to sing a little (“Right Through Me”), go ahead.

However, the biggest buzz she’s gotten in months was for her feature on “Monster.”

Take the hint, girl.

She’s making the same mistakes Drake made with his single choices. People wanted “Best I Ever Had” and he gave…not that.

C’mon, Nicki. Don’t fuck around and give Kimberly false hope.

2. Drake’s logic fail.

Speaking of Drake, Captain Caveman really tried it in this interview. I wish I could fuck every girl in the world is a metaphor? From the man who likely would’ve impregnated half the hemisphere had he not been imprisoned?

A couple of things, Aubrey.

You didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question.

A. “A sort of fine line between fun and wit.”

You’re talking about Lil’ Wayne, who refers to himself as the “pussy monster.” That’s not witty and it’s only fun for him.

B. Why does your face always light up when talking about Mr. Carter? I swear, Drake acts like he was breast fed with that Wayne’s dick.

C. Just because women sing along doesn’t mean it’s not offensive to them. It’s called patriarchy. And irony.

D. “You can look at me. I am not the type of guy to demean women.” Yeah, it doesn’t matter how you look it’s what you say.

Remember the days when artists were actually trained on how to properly answer question so they didn’t sound like they chewed on bullshit?

When we reminisce over you…

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The Week In 10

Given last week’s updates or lack thereof (insert shade here), I’m thinking about bringing back “The Week In 10″ — a very short-lived feature on the blog where I sum up various events of the week in – aha – 10. That way, I can continue to train to become a stripper.

To that end, here we go ya’ll:

1. I’m super glad that G.I. T.I. has gotten out of jail and will likely go on to capture numerous monster hits at radio as if he never left, but I have to say I long for the days when his twang was a lot countrier and his talk a lot tougher.

I don’t mind the singsongy rapper in theory (see Drake review), but when did every emcee decide to become Ja Rule? I know each time Rule turns on the radio he has to belt out a, “Ain’t this ’bout a bitch?!”

These whiny, materialistic boo thang anthems irk the hell out of me.

As for Keri Hilson, she is the R&B female singer equivalent to a lil’ dick overcompensating man.

She tries so hard. Less is more. Bless her heart.

2.“Less is more” is certainly the logic applied in the planning of Nicki Minaj’s video for “Your Love.” After the massive flop of “Massive Attack” I can see why Bird would rather spend less of the money he allegedly takes from producers on its followup.

It’s a very fiscally responsible video, but when a song you did for the hell out of it two years ago becomes a radio fixture all its own, why bother with a heavy budget?

As for the video itself, uh, it’s OK. It illustrates why I believe Nicki Minaj isn’t as great a Lil’ Kim ripoff as some would make her out to be. To me, she often looks more like she ought to be breakdancing behind Gwen Stefani. That point reads as even more credible to me now that she’s taking cues from Jaden Smith.

Honestly, while Nicki looks absolutely beautiful (shout out to her make up team), “Your Love” reminds me of why I quit karate after getting my blue belt — the shit is boring unless you’re fighting.

Speaking of fighting, I’m sure Lil’ Kim gave a Rick Ross inspired “Hallejuah” after watching her die on screen. Don’t get too happy, girl — that death scene is Nicki’s way of paying homage to the state of your career.

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The Week In 10

It’s been a minute, but it’s time to bring The Week in 10 back.

Off we go:

1. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon announced plans to throw a big bash in celebration of their one year wedding anniversary. For those of you who thought Mariah would run Nick Cannon ragged and force him to file an annulment three weeks after revealing they wed, I bet you’re single (or your invitations didn’t show). So am I, but hey, I’m not hating. The two are also planning to buy a mansion worth $125 million. Must be nice.

2. Ciara decided to give Beyonce a dose of her own medicine by biting her look. Despite her channeling her inner Cici Fierce, all she did was give us another reason to laugh at her wack ass and remind of us why Beyonce is on top and why she needs Justin to score a cheap hit.

She also leaked a clip of her new video, which looks a lot like a fake ass version of “Kitty Kat.” Ciara proves yet again that she just doesn’t get it. She could offer a free coupon for a free trip inside of her with each copy of Fantasy Ride and the shit will still flop.

3. It turns out that two other members of the one hit wonder 90s group, Soul IV Real, were fraud ass frauds, too. Lost boys of B2K, and functioning illiterates of Pretty Ricky, meet your future if you don’t find a financial planner and Dr. Suess.

Via That Bitch.

4. Barack Obama really needs to get rid of his treasury secretary, then answer whether or not being the second largest recipient of campaign contributions from AIG has influenced any of his policies.

5. By banning all Palestinian cultural events that acknowledge Jerusalem’s historical links to Arab culture, Israel has discovered yet another way to point a gun at itself.

6. LeToya Luckett shows how to come across as funny and likable in an interview.

Keri Hilson’s dry, Mya-like way of interviewing, not so much.

7. Some suggests that a recently released excerpted quoted from Queen Latifah suggests that she’s publicly acknowledging her inner Cleo.

8. Bebe Winans is allegedly the Chris Brown of gospel.

9. R.I.P., Natasha Richardson.

10. Author and eternally pregnant Neffe overestimates her stature in the media. She also seems to forget that Keyshia bought her a house, and thus, does help take care of her.

By the way:

“God Blessed her w/ 8 children?”

You mean God and a petri dish. Why do people keep putting them not using birth control and condoms properly on God? God didn’t push you on your back and told you to spread ‘em. He’s got bigger fish to fry: Like preventing elected goons and the executives that bought them their position from oblierating the world’s economy and putting us all in bread lines.

But, of course, she get it from her mama:

This is why crackheads typically aren’t encouraged to drink. But, it should be pointed out that she dances better than her kids.

Until next Monday, ya’ll.

The Week In 10

AllHipHop.com: Who you got in the election? Who you going for?

The Game: Man, I’m goin’ for the n***a man. Obama. Man I don’t give a f**k what he talkin’ bout I ain’t heard Obama say nothin’. I just know that n***a black and he about to win this s**t. Hillary need to fall back man. I’m going for Obama man, that n***a could say I’m going to kill every n***a in the hood when I get in there – I’m going for Obama man. That’s it. Gotta see a Black man, man I’m biased man. I’m biased.

1. The Game continues to make me wish Bruto would knock some sense into his Popeye looking ass.

2. Apparently Mary was referring to her budget when she named this song “Stay Down.”

“Recording is an addiction,” he says. “I can’t stop.” Wayne works quickly — he writes nothing down, records rhymes as soon as they pop into his head, and completes up to five songs a day. He can also knock out a verse for someone else within a half-hour of hearing the beat. That has served him well financially: Wayne charges $100,000 for the average cameo — or $75,000 if he likes the beat or the song. “But nothing less!” Wayne says. “I wouldn’t do a song for my sister for less than $75,000.”

3. At least 100 rappers, singers, and those that pretend to be both have been overcharged something terrible by Lil’ Wayne. Too bad Dr. Suess isn’t getting his deserved cut.

While the performer’s rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession. That 1998 New Jersey case ended with a guilty plea, for which the singer was sentenced to three years probation. Another 1998 bust, this one in suburban Atlanta, has been seized upon by Akon and transformed into the big case that purportedly sent him to prison (thanks to his snitching cohorts) for three fight-filled years. In reality, Akon was arrested for possession of a single stolen BMW and held in the DeKalb County jail for several months before prosecutors dropped all charges against him.

So there was no conviction. There was no prison term between 1999 and 2002. And he was never “facing 75 years,” as the singer claimed in one videotaped interview.

4. Akon is a liar. I don’t know what’s sadder: The mindset that led him to believe that he had to pretend to be a convict to get success or the fact that it actually worked.

5. Foxy Brown is begging fans to show up at the jailhouse today to make her feel special about herself. Hopefully a bunch of Koreans show up and jump her for acting crazy at the nail salon.

How many people have you truly loved?

I’ve always wanted the best for everyone in my life. Except for one person: Bombita. She was in the fifth grade with me. She can die.

What?

She was mean. She used to step on my toes, anything to make me mad. I hope she’s a ghetto statistic. And if that keeps me out of Heaven, then so be it.

6. Erykah Badu continues to be my hero.

The “hippest trip in America” has pulled the plug on its annual award show. Reuters Life is reporting that the Soul Train Music Awards has been cancelled without explanation.

7. If it were 1995, the world would be enraged.

8. ABC News themes its Democratic Presidential after the tabloids.

But if you go two minutes in, you’ll see Barack is brushing the dirt off his shoulders.

9. Mariah’s MTV promos for E=MC2 are better than the actual album. (Don’t e-jump me, lambs.)

ONE DAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL BEACH, WATCHING THE OCEAN CRASH INTO WAVES AND THE SKY CHANGE FROM DAY TO NIGHT AND THE SUN SET AND THE MOON RISE SHOWED ME THIS MIRACLE WE CALLED LIFE IS BRAND NEW AGAIN FOR ME.

WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON THE FRAGILE AND DELICATE THINGS IN LIFE THAT WE FORGET THAT GRAVITY IS HOLDING US UP AT THIS VERY MOMENT, THAT OCEANS ARE ENDLESS, AND THERES AN ENTIRE LIFE UNDER THE SEAS THAT WE DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

10. Solange tries to go ‘deep’ with a shout out to Sebastian and Ariel. Manages to still come across as a home school don’t.

The Week In 10

1. Uncle Pissy does it again. Just when you think this crazy bastard can’t get even more absurd, he ups and finds the number to Sisqo’s old hairdresser. Now when I say people are wearing piss-colored hair that definition takes on a whole new meaning. His new single, “Hair Braider,” can be heard on his MySpace page. You would think with hair like that the song would be a diss record. And if you’re wondering, yes he’s singing with a vocoder. Just remember that ya’ll created that thugged out Cowardly Lion.

2. Someone unlocked the door on the time machine, prompting The New Kids on the Block to release a new song despite no public outcry for one. 1988 refuses to take them back.

3. Usher and Uncle Tameka premiered their new baby, confirming speculation that the adoption finally went through.

4. Someone sent me this video earlier in the week, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so I’m sticking it here. See Usher’s understudy time swagger jack Michael Jackson for the millionth time.

Earlier in the week, I saw some special where a person called Chris Brown the next Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson is a brilliant songwriter, producer, and dancer with impeccable taste in fake hair. Chris Brown sings like he’s nine, acts like he’s 12, and ought to be lending his backflipping talents to the U.S. gymnastic team in Beijing this summer. Don’t do Mike.

Oh yeah, he has a new song. Click here to listen.

5. Baltimore children confirm what I knew already: Kids born after 1990 are crazy as all hell. Between “No Child Left Behind,” recession, the popularity of Soulja Boy, and the continued glamorization of all things ign’t and violent, expect one of those little after school special don’ts to try and rob your ass in the coming years.

6. Diddy Puff lost his damn mind this week. On Cassie, the guy who used to have a knack for developing the next big thing said:

“There’s a huge [cry] out there for a younger Britney Spears, a younger Janet Jackson. Those two great artists have paved the way . . . I just don’t think she was ready. I think that we threw her into the spotlight without the artist development — that goes on with a lot of new artists. We pulled out, we took our time, we developed her for like, a year-and-a-half. People are just going to see her there and be like, ‘Wow, she’s really cocooned into a butterfly.”

Compared to Cassie, Britney and Janet are Mariah and Whitney. And last time I checked, Britney and Janet can dance. Cassie can’t even walk without putting me to sleep. Cassie either has the best head game in the world or she at least looks really pretty doing it. Interestingly enough, the only hit song she has is themed around fellatio.

7. For the first time since the advent of Photoshop, the world has been given an idea of what part of Mariah Carey might actually look like in person. In this picture her swole-right foot hasn’t been properly touched up to match her brand new left foot compliments of Adobe.

8. Lil’ Wayne has pushed back his album again. In the meantime, his album cover gives us an idea of what he looked like before he got a Styrofoam cup permanently attached to his hand.

9. Bill O’Reilly makes sense for once. Soon after the temperature drops in hell.

10. Teedra Moses is still alive. Read her new interview with AHH Alternatives here. Between her, the new Erykah Badu album, Keyshia Cole’s last album, and the dream that D’Angelo will eventually put down the eightball and pick up a keyboard, I have some relative hope for R&B.

Bonus: In other news, yesterday some cockeyed, Aunt Una from Altuna looking hoe asked me if I wanted to have a good time at the red light. She was dressed like she just left the set of SWV’s “I’m So Into You” video. The moral of the story is: Roll your windows up.

The Week in 10

1. Barbara Walters is a freak.

2. Fox News continues to show it’s a “fair and balanced” network by interviewing Pastor Manning — the mayonnaise sandwich eating, pseudo prophet who probably misses the good old 9-5 jobs slavery once provided.

3. Jay-Z releases another song, leaving me to wonder just how many more songs with references to hustling/drugs, being a God, and being rich over a Timbaland beat can his ass make?

Meanwhile, he has signed on to become the new face of Fendi. That’s gangsta.

3/28/08 – A MESSAGE FROM BEYONCE!

Yesterday, “Beautiful Nightmare,” a demo I’ve been working on for possible inclusion on my next album, leaked on some websites. I want to thank all my fans for the positive response to the song, but I want to tell you that this is just a work in progress. It is not my time to put out new music. If you really want to hear some really great music now, you have to support my girls Kelly, Michelle and my sister Solange. Kelly just re-released her album digitally in the US, so check out “Ms. Kelly: Diva Deluxe.” Michelle is about to put out the first single, “We Break The Dawn,” from her album and Solange’s single, “I Decided,” is already one of my favorites.

4. Beyonce has caused Kelly Rowland to flood her bedroom.

5. Wendy might not only be a swinger, but she may also be getting Ike’d by her husband. If these allegations are true, it’s time to start a prayer circle. Let’s just hope God isn’t a Whitney Houston fan.

6. Some publicist takes his job way too seriously as he brands Vivica A. Fox a “fashion icon.” I suppose she’s a fashion icon to chicks like:

…y’know, the type of chick that buys their hair, clothes, food, and gas all at the same place.

7. Mariah Carey decides to sing on key for a change. Too bad it was on the performance that didn’t air on MTV.

8. Dru Hill becomes “Sisqo with Dru Hill” in a joint bill with Jaheim. Who knew the “Thong Song” warranted Diana Ross status?

Sidenote: They have the nerve to charge $60.00 to see Jaheim, Dru Hill, and “Thong Song.”

9. Apparently, male nipples are offensive now, too according to the Orlando Sentinel.

10. Tyra Banks continues to show why the world has to make sure that Oprah never dies.

The Week in 10

I’m not sure if I’ll make this a regular thing or not, but despite not being able to write on every instance of ridiculousness in the world, there are some things that shouldn’t go unnoticed.

Now:

1. I noticed that grin Keyshia Cole had on her face when Frankie said she is Black and Italian on their reunion special. She needn’t harp on her possible Italian heritage, because at the end of the day, a breadstick from the Olive Garden has more Italian features than she does.

2. The Dream sounds like R. Kelly pretending to be Prince and looks a lot like a Teddy Graham – he ain’t that hot.

Tell me you don’t see the resemblance.

3. Nelly’s new single sucks more than Omarion on Bow Wow’s birthday.

4. The end of the world must be near: Someone on Fox News bought a clue about the network’s biases.

5. Hair and a triple shot of rhythm can only get you so far — this ain’t gon’ cut it.

6. Puffy should have let Shannon keep that other hair color. Now she looks like Kathy Griffin.

A 12 year-old boy was taken into custody Wednesday night for throwing a rock through the windshield of Soulja Boy’s bus. Why? The kid told arresting officers, “I hate Soulja Boy.”

7. Not every child is into short yellow bus hip-hop; there may be hope for us after all. Too bad he missed.

Master P and his son Romeo are filming a movie in their home state of Louisiana called The Pig People. Romeo will play one of five teenagers who venture into a haunted forest to film a documentary about the mythical half-human, half-pig Pig People.

8. I could make more money selling gonorrhea than they could pushing this DVD.

9. Kanye West sometimes dresses like hip hop’s court jester. He looks like he’s about to tell a few jokes for the King and pray he doesn’t get beheaded afterwards.

10. Reality television must end. I would say more about this trailer, but since this is related to Suge Knight, I’m afraid to. You should be, too.