Fall Through A Trap Door Already

I get it: Disqualified spelling bee contestant or not, Tyrese means well. Couple that with his celebrity and it’s clear why people clamor to him and his newfound career as an irregular version of a life coach. Personally, I’d rather buy a chastity belt from Karrine Steffans or take grammar lessons from Evelyn Lozada before accepting any sort of guidance from Tyrese Gibson. Yes, I’m aware that puts me in the minority. Such a reality is the reason why I’m forever grateful for ibuprofen.

What will always trip me out most his success, though, is the idea that women are the ones actually fueling the ego of this sexist man. I’m pretty sure Tyrese doesn’t think he’s a sexist, but that’s a pretty common theme among many people harboring select prejudices. Like when he sat on Wendy Williams’ couch and perpetuated that silly double standard about cheating between men and women. Still, so many women repeat his stale lines that in my opinion sounded much better when read after consuming an order of sesame chicken. Again, I’m aware that I’m in the minority but dammit, y’all have emboldened him to say even stupider shit.

This time it’s all about the big, bad independent woman. Despite the term being a part of pop culture for a little more than a decade Tyrese feels compelled to explain the term to the gender that coined it. And surprise, surprise his definition seems to vilify women who dare boast of being self-sufficient and finding fulfillment on their own terms.

Try not to let Tyrese’s usage of the ‘Pop-Pop’ voice fool you: He said a whole bunch of nothing. Jesus could’ve had his hand over my eyes and I don’t doubt for a millisecond that I would manage to see through Tyrese’s bullshit all the same. In fact, I’ve belched better sentiments. While it’s cute to make little quips about women buying their little poodles to curtail their assumed loneliness, one quickly recalls that he’s a divorcee who almost a year ago was live-tweeting himself being holed up in his car outside of his ex-wife’s house hoping the po-po didn’t hull his ass to the jailhouse, or worse, shoot his ass. But you know, ladies, you’re the problem.

Oh yes, so am I.

“I know it’s a lot of men out here that are playing on both sides of the fence, it’s confusing, and it’s a lot of homosexuality going on out here. I get it, it’s a lot of frustration that women have. [But] there’s a lot of man’s man still left; We’re out here, we’re waiting, we’re wanting, we desire you just like you desire us. Just don’t give up on us…’Stay.’ That’s my ‘Open Invitation’. Give [us] a shot at your heart.”

Kudos to you, Black Ty, on you tying your pseudo motivational speaker bit with the job you’re actually skilled in (to other people anyway), but motherfuck you all the same. For pulling the angry black woman bit and for further perpetuating both the down low myth and the effeminate gay male stereotype. Guys like Tyrese always trip me out when they go there given the fact that you can always manage to connect that stereotype to the accuser’s own behavior. Say, Tyrese’s knack for constantly whining on Twitter as if he’s still bedwetting age.

On this clip, one commenter on YouTube wrote, “Empty barrels make the most noise.” If that isn’t the best sentiment about all of these celebrities jocking Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, your grandma with the good wig I don’t know what is. May they all fall into a trap door — starting with this sexist and homophobic sum’bitch.

Please Stop

It seems that a few of you out there are impressed with this. Perhaps I remember 1996 a little bit too well, but I don’t find this verse all that worthwhile. I suppose it is better than anything Lil’ Kim has realized recently, but that’s like saying the diarrhea you got from the taco truck is a lot more enjoyable than the constant vomiting that resulted from you eating bad seafood. If anything, I think this clip is additional proof that Lil’ Kim ought to take advantage of the free trial offer at Ancestry.com so she can find out if her ghostwriter is kin to Baby.

I wonder if the artists from the ’90s that Kim came up with laugh at her expense when together. Or maybe they do some impromptu group prayer to the Devil or whoever runs “the Illuminati.” No, I don’t really believe in the Illuminati, but I’d now more inclined to believe that some dark, mystical force could take over the world via a Rihanna or Lady Gaga record before Lil’ Kim one ups Nicki Minaj on wax.

Not only does verse not supersede the one Nicki offered on “Y U Mad,” but she sounds confused. Like, are we still on that Lil’ Kim clone thing? Uh, Glenda The Good Witch, the Harajuku Girls, and Lady Gaga’s self-importance each have far more reasons to watch war on Nicki Minaj over accusations of cloning than you do — no matter what your eager zealots tell you, Kimberly. Oh, and Mark Zuckerberg “can get it, ooh he can get it?”

Really? This is what you’re into now? You must really miss Scott Storch’s peak net worth. And you probably rue the day you decided to sell a mixtape on PayPal, too, huh?

I hate to belabor the point, though this needs to be understood: Lil’ Kim lost. Nicki Minaj is pulling the kind of numbers Kim and Foxy pulled more than a decade ago when people actually bought albums. Lil’ Kim can get blog hits and be the talk of Twitter for a couple of hours, but that’s not the same as a hit single on the radio. Not like having an album out that people can actually buy. Definitely nothing close to what Kim used to do. That’s fine because she’s made her mark. However, if you’re going to act like you’re still at the top, do something. Something that doesn’t suck and attach itself to Nicki like a nipple ring.

Again:

Help Me: Lil’ Kim

And for you enabling Eminem lyrics personified:

If You Really Loved Lil’ Kim You Would Find Her A Chair

I just wanted to show that I’ve tried to help in my own special way. But, she’s not getting it. I’ve since realized that’s been a running theme for her for years now. The other day I was randomly looking at old Remy Ma interviews and stumbled along one Remy did about her beef with Kim (which Remy won lyrically, by the way).

The best part begins 1:53 in:

Notice Remy is essentially making the same points Nicki argued a year ago. Nicki is picking at Kim a bit, but Kim should respond with a record that doesn’t make you turn on “Queen Bitch” to remember the good times. The diss game isn’t her cup of tea anymore. If you don’t believe me turn on the “Big Momma Thang” remix where she went in on ‘Pac and Faith or “Came Back For You” where she verbally stomped Eve out. She doesn’t seem to have that sort of bite anymore. Stop reminding us of this, Kimberly. Go cut some record that might get me do so a twirk in salute instead. That would do more for the dried up river that is her rap career than releasing 19 additional half-ass diss records ever will. It’s great to respect your elders, but stop lying to their asses, stans.

You Sent It Now Call Your Local CPS Office

I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t considered launching a new career as a deep fried idiot with asinine yet undeniably ass shaking spurring songs. Seriously, where do you think the name “Young Sinick” comes from? But as increasingly cynical as the radio makes me even I know that you can’t just throw out some bullshit and expect to pop off (at least not without a catchier hook). Or better yet, before you download your illegal copy of Garage Band to start your music career you should have a plan. In some people’s cases, that plan should involve a babysitter and nursery.

Then again, this girl seems more interested in shaming the other safe sex failure who impregnated her versus becoming the next, “Remember her? No? Oh. Damn.” That’s more concerning because it makes the video a glorified PSA for condoms and tragic irony instead of just so stupid song to make fun of. God Bless her and all that, but why is she looking into the camera as if she’s either trying to seduce the viewer with her come hither eyes and heavy belly or let King Triton know that it won’t be long before she controls the ocean? I suppose I’m behaving like a masochist if I ask why doesn’t she know that Uncle Sam handles taxes, not rejected Maury guests?

Naturally, after her remix she goes into a tangent about fucking with her ex’s phone, putting a knife to his throat, and threatening to key his car. She said that as if she was delivering the keynote address to a flock of geese. Imagine if her baby daddy cared enough to forward this to her future probation officer. I find her body roll for twins especially unfortunate given that check is probably going to look like the sum of the cheaper side of the Taco Bell menu. In other words, there will be two babies wondering what in the hell their trife parents got them into. But you know, good luck to her and shit.

As for that other song at the end: I was hoping it wasn’t real. Of course it is.

See. I wonder if it’s on iTunes. No, I don’t want you to check for me. Let’s just keep that a mystery while I revel in the genius of songs like, “Damn, Bitch My Feet Hurt” and inventions such as the morning after pill.

The Religious Right Is Wrong About Masturbation

I thought I was well versed with the Christian Right’s stance on gays. We’re degenerate perverts with cooties so massive that God sends the clap back to society at large by way of devastating earthquakes, horrific hurricanes, and vengeful monsters like NeNe Leakes.

What up doe, Pat Robertson?

Also, we’re highly contagious so please stay away from us, breeders. Like if you tolerate us, you’re prone to some gay assaulting your private areas with lust in their eyes and lubricant in their back pockets the moment you least expect it. Should you watch anything in media that’s gay friendly you run the risk of literally turning into a big gay flag. Oh, and Jesus will spit in the holy water used to baptize your child if you’re in favor of gay marriage and letting them adopt children no one else wants.

I’ve heard this sort of bullshit conveyed in varying ways over the years so I just knew I had all of the basics down. However, it has come to my attention that the zealots on the far, far right have gone and upped the ante on their lunacy levels. Apparently, a straight man teeters on turning team same sex depending on how he masturbates. This new information comes courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscolll.

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Check Your Facts, Not Beyoncé

Last week I read an article on The Root entitled “Beyoncé’s Incredible, Miraculous Pregnancy,” in which the writer basically assailed my lord and gyrator under the false allegation that she was shoving her pregnancy down everyone’s throat and that she needed to quit acting as if she’s the only person in history to be with child.

Part of the piece included jabs like this:

I’m happy for you, Bey, but the joy growing inside your womb is not the blueprint, and it is not biblical. It isn’t the Visitation; nor is it the dawn of a new epoch in the human calendar. It’s a baby.

Not to mention a subheading called “A Mom-To-Be Who Knows Her Place.”

Now you know I had to write a response to that. In my latest essay for The Root, “It’s Not Beyoncé, It’s You” I hit back at all of the author’s off base accusations and remind her and others that it’s none of our places to tell a woman to tame her excitement about becoming a mother. You can click here to check it out.

Feel free to hit like, tweet, and email the piece around. You an also hit your sexy and slow stanky legs, too. And remember: Watch you what you say about the Queen. The hive ain’t having it.

Baby, Get A Grip

I wanted to call this post “Conspiracy Cunts,” but I figured that might not be the best thing to have on my Twitter feed and Google index. I blame the Puritans. That’s still pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous story about Beyoncé faking her pregnancy all the same.

I noticed on the very night Beyoncé casually announced being with child that the headmistress of online sensationalism quickly barked that it was all a farce. That was to be expected if you’ve ever read the blog. Unfortunately, I gave other people the benefit of the doubt. I never learn, damn closet idealism.

There are people who actually believe Beyoncé is fronting about her growing fetus. And not just fronting: She’s cut her fancy pillow up into the shape of a prosthetic belly, which folds in front of foreign journalists. This video is tagged as “Best Proof Ever Beyonce is faking her pregnancy!! But Why? What u think?”

I think an insanely sad number of people are fucking morons.

I’m only getting started, too.

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Thanks For Nothing

Popeye The Sailor Man’s illegitimate seed wants the gays of rap to be free. You know, so they can stop giving women AIDS and shit. The Game’s shared these feelings during an interview with Vlad TV. When asked about homos in hip-hop, the rapper said Beyoncé should’ve named her song, “Run The World (Gays),” ’cause you know, we’re everywhere. Isn’t he clever, y’all? If your answer is yes, do me a solid and look to the right and click on that X. Gon’ now. Get.

Anyway, like most people who say they’re not homophobic but say plenty of homophobic things, The Game added that he doesn’t judge gay people. No, he only fears those in the closet are killing other men and women via disease — a theory long debunked yet continues to be uttered from the mouths of the uninformed. I suppose this is what happens when people get their information on sexually transmitted diseases from poorly adapted films like Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls instead of CDC studies. Cough, cough, Janet.

Oh, The Game had some other breaking news to share, too: We live in a free country, thus can do and say whatever we please.

Like Exhibit B:

“It’s a lot of man fans out there in hip hop. I see how you n-ggas be lookin’ at n-ggas when I be around. They be looking at n-ggas crazy. You might see a rapper looking at another rapper like he got a problem but he really looking at him like he a man fan.”

Man fan, eh. I guess that’s better than the numerous times I’ve heard him say “faggot” on wax as if the word is his personal teeth whitener. It’s always the people who help incite the desire for discretion among select gay men chastising them for keeping secrets. Nothing screams gay pride like AIDS associations and Gossip Girl inspired discussions about the same sex sect. Who run the world indeed.

When I saw this video I instantly thought to pass it off as another example of a rapper saying stupid things. That’s still true, though in recent weeks I’ve encountered two separate instances where much smarter people essentially made the same dumb mistakes. I don’t think The Game or the aforementioned mean any harm, but folks know when a person doesn’t accept them. They also know when they’re being vilified. That ultimately is where the harm comes in. No one is going to open up to a anyone who clearly has a problem with something very personal to them. I can’t say that I blame them even if the secrecy bothers my core.

It’s nice in theory to hear a rapper like The Game say, “be gay, be proud,” but him wrapping the statement up in a big stereotypical blanket probably helps gay acceptance in hip hop about as equally as it further hinders it. Here’s to hoping some day soon someone a bit more eloquent can look out for the homos a little more thoughtfully.

In the meantime, I’ll add “man fan” to my lexicon. No way am I going to let that phrase continue to be used disparagingly.

Butt Out of Bert & Ernie’s Business

I’ve always assumed that Bert and Ernie were fucking. I never had a strong reaction to it one way or the other, though. It was sort of like one of those unchallenged truths in which you know something to be true, but you don’t put any real thought into it. The sky is blue, Louisiana hot sauce rules over all, and Bert and Ernie were boyfriends.

I see a lot of people thought the same, which is why they pushed the producers of Sesame Street to marry them off now that it’s legal in the state of New York. I understand that equality must be had for all, but give me a break. What does it matter if two puppets of the same imaginary species get hitched? Would that show kids that being gay is normal? Sure, it could help, but the same can be said of merely telling your children that.

Like any people in a relationship that they’re comfortable with, the last thing they need is a bunch of nosy people telling them to change their dynamic for their own selfish reasons. So: Get off their nonexistent dicks, folks. Bert and Ernie enjoy their current life as is.

Oh, and apparently, they’re not gay at all.

Sesame Street’s Facebook goon broke it down:

Bert and Ernie are best friends.  They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves.

Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

Do I believe this? Hell no. I mean, maybe men can live together, have story time and occasionally cuddle and it be totally platonic. However, they sure do have the closeness many people long for. Still, people need to mind their business and more importantly, know when and where to push their agendas.

Besides, any gay person knows that some people will never come out. Especially not fictitious characters in the form of cartoons and puppets. For example, my home boy Snagglepuss, who I recently referred to on Twitter as my one and only favorite queen.

Now obviously, Snagglepuss is a little effeminate, seemingly not into kitties, and gay even! Yet, he lets you make whatever projections about his lisp that you want to because he’s too busy trying to live his life. He’s not worried if anyone can tell he can toot it and boot it better than most.

The same can be said about Pepé Le Pew probably being bisexual, Dale from the Rescue Rangers being trade, or Fred Flintstone’s boss being a secret bear. I’m not about outing people unless they’re in positions of hurting gay people — i.e. Republicans, influential preachers, and other stupid high profile figures. Otherwise, one needs to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. And in the case of two puppets getting symbolically married, it screams a big waste of time.

Oh, and by the way Sesame Street protesters, you should’ve contacted Big Bird. Much easier sell on gay marriage. Duh.

Lying On Lesbians

I would’ve jumped on this sooner, but I was trying to see if I could collect a check for checking him first. My efforts proved to be in vain. I can’t say that I’m surprised  considering it’s not 2002 and I don’t write for Word Up! magazine. I’d still like to touch on this albeit briefly. I know many lesbians and more importantly, I get how annoying it is for them to have to deal with men constantly trying to tell them that their love of vagina isn’t genuine. You know, because they’ve yet to formally greet their magical genetic changing penis.

Speaking of those, Omarion is a dick for this tweet. I saw a few people in my timeline try to defend his ignorance as him merely “voicing his opinion.” I encourage those suffering from Captain Obvious disorder to do humanity a favor and go find their very own S.S. Minnow and tropical storm. Of course the tweet in question is an instance of Omarion expressing his opinions. That doesn’t negate the fallacy of the opinion or the narcissistic-rooted logic behind it. If you need a treasure map drawn for you to figure out why some would take offense to what he said, God bless you and the ability to think analytically that was evidently stolen from you.

Then again, I imagine certain thinking caps would be tightened had the little musing of O’s had something to do with them personally. Whatever, even if it were “just his opinion” that pretty much paves the way for others to share theirs in response. To that end, I need someone to let this little munchkin know that he surely doesn’t do it for everyone.

I mean, he does for me…or at least one magical area of him does anyway. I may have mentioned it once, twice, way too many times on the site. I know, I know. However, I also understand that isn’t exactly the kind of attribute that would send a lesbian reeling. Neither would his ability to penetrate her. See, breeders, not every girl is into that. Why? Because she’s a damn lesbian.

Sexuality is indeed not black and white for all, but some ex-boy bander turned – uh, fashionista – needs to calm down on claims that he literally has the magic stick. One, ’cause again, what he’s saying is absolutely simple. Two, gay people have a lot to do with whatever nominal level of relevance he still has. Sure, it’s mainly gay dudes but some of that fanfare trickles over to their sympathetic lesbian friends. You would think an artist – especially one a fledgling one – would understand that he needn’t alienate any particular group.

But I suppose when the person is he quoting Jehovah one minute and his overinflated ego the next he is bound to forget the fact that even if his ass is his greatest attest he needn’t give airs that his ass literally does the tweeting for him. Then he had the nerve to ask people to respect his disrespectful opinion. I respect an individual’s freedom to blurt out the asinine, but I don’t have to be nice to you about it if you’re being offensive.

I don’t know if his publicist ran away from home or left him behind when his last record deal retreated, but Omarion did get one thing correct: He most certainly is an example — of why some thoughts need to be placed in a private journal versus a public forum.

I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but even nice people mess up sometimes. So, please, O, offer lesbians the only kind of solid you can give to satisfy them and shut your fashionably late ass up. Oh and God Bless You and stuff.

Man, Let Me Curse

As an temporary Boy Scout, a would be karate champion, a sometime basketball player, and a failed baseball player I’m well versed in the myriad of ways people try to teach their children how to grow up to be men and women. As the spawn of a man who suffers from patriarchy as much as he does addiction, I am also privy to the fact that if you push a person too much one way or the other he or she will ultimately reject much of the values you try to instill in them. Much of that has to do with the fact that once you see these roles in their most extreme form you realize what a crock of shit they are.

The end result is me absolutely hating to hear people go on about what a real man and woman is and how they behave. I’m a man because I was born one. Some men are what most consider to be masculine, others effeminate, a few are confusing as all hell. I don’t mind the variety so long as people are doing what’s true to them. That to me is a greater problem than anything else.

That said, while I clearly don’t care for any of these rigid rules for how we should all behave, I do know that more times than not, people generally have good intentions when they talk about how a lady or a gentleman ought to act. ‘Tis why when I read that Boris Kodjoe was ranting about “How to be a man” I didn’t immediately wince.

Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I still did.

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