Girl, Fall Through A Well

If you watch VH1′s Love & Hip Hop Rap & Relations, you saw Kimbella’s ass greet her old friend, the ground, once again following a track snatching themed brawl with one of her fellow reality personalities on the show. In Kim Vanderhee’s defense, she did precede that fall with a moving tribute to the fighting style (if you can call it that) of Evelyn Lozada. Her adversary this time was Erica Mena, another model who boasted of taking part in New York Fashion Week, hair care campaigns, and you know, other gigs that don’t involve ass cheeks and titty tantalizing. What’s that covering Kimbella’s light? Erica’s shade, of course.

While I’m not exactly Kimbella’s biggest fan given the way she opted to symbolically slap the taste out of Emily’s mouth with her sexual past (that includes Em’s baby daddy), this incident wasn’t her fault. She was being polite to that over eager beaver who came there with the sole intention of picking a fight with her as the cameras rolled. Then Emily had the nerve to call the laws after. To quote the great Pimp C, “You ain’t no pimp, you a fairy.”

If all of that weren’t bad enough, now this model turned aspiring singer is babbling to TMZ about how her appearance on The Real Housewives of Hip Hop has derailed her career. She told the site, ”My whole image in my career is now affected by this. I wanted them to pull this clip because I don’t want to show this side of me.”

This is the same person who shook her breasts in the face of another woman during a business meeting. The same person who picked a fight and proceeded to threaten the woman on camera. See a pattern here? I bet the producers of this show did when the first interviewed her in casting. I imagine Erica was proud of her stunt up until she looked at her mentions on Twitter and realized more people prefer her showing her ass in a thong over showing it via a fight with Juelz Santana’s lady. Oh well. Her bad.

You would think she’d know how to act by now. According to my own mentions on Twitter, Erica used to work as an “employee” of Dash on Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami. And my friend Google filled me in on some of her modeling work:

Word to the wise, Erica: Telling Kimbella you’re on a higher level than her because you got to lay on your back for King while Kimbella tooted it up for Black Men is like someone munching on dark meat from Church’s Chicken telling me I’m not worth shit for ordering wings and shrimp fried rice from the hood carryout a few blocks up.

If your aim was to transition into singing you should’ve went on this show acting like the person Olivia refuses to be. You either let the producers gas you up or you should really retrace your K-12 education and figure out where your critical thinking went wrong. Whatever the issue is, it is your own. This show’s ratchet levels were just fine without you. If you want to go, please. In fact, your segment could’ve gone to Somaya Reece, who I noticed is complaining about much of her footage being left on the cutting room floor. I can’t blame her. I would want to have my story of crawling out of the attic chronicled, too. Wepa! Or you know, whatever “gon’ girl” means in Spanish.

Help Me Understand

Can someone break down the reason Bow Wow is still rapping in very small words? For the life of me, I can’t figure it out. I haven’t heard anyone sing along to any of his music in several years — including people who aren’t tall enough to ride the mightiest roller coasters. Last time I checked, Shad was able to at least book film roles and was even up for the lead in some sitcom Ice Cube was doing. So, yeah, I don’t get it. It’s been a long time since anyone bounced with him, bounced with him. Been almost as long as anyone has poorly sang about no one being like him. The seven people who did enjoy his collaborative works with Omarion have either grown up or are somewhere trapped inside of a closet looking for their choir robe.

That leaves…uh, I don’t know. Who’s left?  I don’t want to criticize Mr. Baby’s business acumen, but I’m curious as to what makes Bow Wow at the age of 125 in child star years a worthy signee? Who’s trying to hear Bow Wow spit hot fire  in this decade? Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad rapper or anything. That is, if he’s even writing his own lines — which is still an acceptable question to pose. Whatever the case, God could be ghostwriting for Bow Wow and I’m almost certain that no one would still donate a damn.

Yes, I see all 90 of his tattoos (which I imagine  hurts his chances at becoming a full-fledged actor)  and the fact that he spends a large share of the kiddie tour he’s earned over the years on strippers. The pound puppy is a big dog now. Unfortunately, it’s a dog that needs to put one area of his life to sleep. Besides, I don’t believe in child stars of his hook trying to be on that hood shit. Lindsay Lohan’s exhibited more instances of thug life than Shad Moss has (watch out, Kreayshawn).

So c’mon nah, y’all, break it down for me. Why is Bow Wow still rapping and who among you are interested in this? I need answers. Right this minute.

This Guy

Those of you who have deprived yourselves from indulging in the mental stimulation that is Keeping Up with the Kardashians likely don’t know much about Kris Humphries. Lucky, lucky you. For those of us who can’t seem to pry ourselves away from that show along with all its spinoffs (minus Khloé & Lamar, which was too boring for me to endure) we’re aware of the fact that Kris is as annoying as he is aloof. After this interview with Good Morning America, those fun facts about Kim’s soon to be ex-husband are now officially inescapable to all.

I’m assuming anyone with working senses under the age of 60 is aware that Kimberly Kardashian is currently the poster child of fame for fame’s sake, and thus, if you enter her circle you’re presumably down for the cause. Yet here Kris is giving what’s probably the most awkward interview I’ve seen in a long time. Did he learn nothing from his mother-in-law of 45 minutes? I can’t believe this goof thought a morning news anchor gave two shits about his mommy’s cookies (I will link to the recipe out of the kindess of my heart). Or his charity, for that matter.

Yes, charity is wonderful and I’m assuming when producers reached out to him they said that he could incorporate talking points about his organization into the interview so long as he gave them what they needed: Conversation about who really counts. Perhaps a nondisclosure agreement keeps him from divulging anything of note (gon’ head, Kris Jenner, always thinking), though if that’s the case, why didn’t he stay his extra large ass at home? You know, the one in Minnesota that he nagged Kim about loving so much on the show.

I know everyone is annoyed with Kim now and wants her to be the bad person, but can you blame her for ditching this marriage before it was too late? I mean, I’m not sure what she ever saw in him to be honest. How do you go from Reggie Bush to this? Not even just in terms of looks (though that’s very, very important ’round these parts), but overall media savviness. Kim, I hope you make wiser choices when selecting your next three husbands. Never again, girl. I am serious. Never again.

Fall Through A Trap Door Already

I get it: Disqualified spelling bee contestant or not, Tyrese means well. Couple that with his celebrity and it’s clear why people clamor to him and his newfound career as an irregular version of a life coach. Personally, I’d rather buy a chastity belt from Karrine Steffans or take grammar lessons from Evelyn Lozada before accepting any sort of guidance from Tyrese Gibson. Yes, I’m aware that puts me in the minority. Such a reality is the reason why I’m forever grateful for ibuprofen.

What will always trip me out most his success, though, is the idea that women are the ones actually fueling the ego of this sexist man. I’m pretty sure Tyrese doesn’t think he’s a sexist, but that’s a pretty common theme among many people harboring select prejudices. Like when he sat on Wendy Williams’ couch and perpetuated that silly double standard about cheating between men and women. Still, so many women repeat his stale lines that in my opinion sounded much better when read after consuming an order of sesame chicken. Again, I’m aware that I’m in the minority but dammit, y’all have emboldened him to say even stupider shit.

This time it’s all about the big, bad independent woman. Despite the term being a part of pop culture for a little more than a decade Tyrese feels compelled to explain the term to the gender that coined it. And surprise, surprise his definition seems to vilify women who dare boast of being self-sufficient and finding fulfillment on their own terms.

Try not to let Tyrese’s usage of the ‘Pop-Pop’ voice fool you: He said a whole bunch of nothing. Jesus could’ve had his hand over my eyes and I don’t doubt for a millisecond that I would manage to see through Tyrese’s bullshit all the same. In fact, I’ve belched better sentiments. While it’s cute to make little quips about women buying their little poodles to curtail their assumed loneliness, one quickly recalls that he’s a divorcee who almost a year ago was live-tweeting himself being holed up in his car outside of his ex-wife’s house hoping the po-po didn’t hull his ass to the jailhouse, or worse, shoot his ass. But you know, ladies, you’re the problem.

Oh yes, so am I.

“I know it’s a lot of men out here that are playing on both sides of the fence, it’s confusing, and it’s a lot of homosexuality going on out here. I get it, it’s a lot of frustration that women have. [But] there’s a lot of man’s man still left; We’re out here, we’re waiting, we’re wanting, we desire you just like you desire us. Just don’t give up on us…’Stay.’ That’s my ‘Open Invitation’. Give [us] a shot at your heart.”

Kudos to you, Black Ty, on you tying your pseudo motivational speaker bit with the job you’re actually skilled in (to other people anyway), but motherfuck you all the same. For pulling the angry black woman bit and for further perpetuating both the down low myth and the effeminate gay male stereotype. Guys like Tyrese always trip me out when they go there given the fact that you can always manage to connect that stereotype to the accuser’s own behavior. Say, Tyrese’s knack for constantly whining on Twitter as if he’s still bedwetting age.

On this clip, one commenter on YouTube wrote, “Empty barrels make the most noise.” If that isn’t the best sentiment about all of these celebrities jocking Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, your grandma with the good wig I don’t know what is. May they all fall into a trap door — starting with this sexist and homophobic sum’bitch.

Please Stop

It seems that a few of you out there are impressed with this. Perhaps I remember 1996 a little bit too well, but I don’t find this verse all that worthwhile. I suppose it is better than anything Lil’ Kim has realized recently, but that’s like saying the diarrhea you got from the taco truck is a lot more enjoyable than the constant vomiting that resulted from you eating bad seafood. If anything, I think this clip is additional proof that Lil’ Kim ought to take advantage of the free trial offer at Ancestry.com so she can find out if her ghostwriter is kin to Baby.

I wonder if the artists from the ’90s that Kim came up with laugh at her expense when together. Or maybe they do some impromptu group prayer to the Devil or whoever runs “the Illuminati.” No, I don’t really believe in the Illuminati, but I’d now more inclined to believe that some dark, mystical force could take over the world via a Rihanna or Lady Gaga record before Lil’ Kim one ups Nicki Minaj on wax.

Not only does verse not supersede the one Nicki offered on “Y U Mad,” but she sounds confused. Like, are we still on that Lil’ Kim clone thing? Uh, Glenda The Good Witch, the Harajuku Girls, and Lady Gaga’s self-importance each have far more reasons to watch war on Nicki Minaj over accusations of cloning than you do — no matter what your eager zealots tell you, Kimberly. Oh, and Mark Zuckerberg “can get it, ooh he can get it?”

Really? This is what you’re into now? You must really miss Scott Storch’s peak net worth. And you probably rue the day you decided to sell a mixtape on PayPal, too, huh?

I hate to belabor the point, though this needs to be understood: Lil’ Kim lost. Nicki Minaj is pulling the kind of numbers Kim and Foxy pulled more than a decade ago when people actually bought albums. Lil’ Kim can get blog hits and be the talk of Twitter for a couple of hours, but that’s not the same as a hit single on the radio. Not like having an album out that people can actually buy. Definitely nothing close to what Kim used to do. That’s fine because she’s made her mark. However, if you’re going to act like you’re still at the top, do something. Something that doesn’t suck and attach itself to Nicki like a nipple ring.

Again:

Help Me: Lil’ Kim

And for you enabling Eminem lyrics personified:

If You Really Loved Lil’ Kim You Would Find Her A Chair

I just wanted to show that I’ve tried to help in my own special way. But, she’s not getting it. I’ve since realized that’s been a running theme for her for years now. The other day I was randomly looking at old Remy Ma interviews and stumbled along one Remy did about her beef with Kim (which Remy won lyrically, by the way).

The best part begins 1:53 in:

Notice Remy is essentially making the same points Nicki argued a year ago. Nicki is picking at Kim a bit, but Kim should respond with a record that doesn’t make you turn on “Queen Bitch” to remember the good times. The diss game isn’t her cup of tea anymore. If you don’t believe me turn on the “Big Momma Thang” remix where she went in on ‘Pac and Faith or “Came Back For You” where she verbally stomped Eve out. She doesn’t seem to have that sort of bite anymore. Stop reminding us of this, Kimberly. Go cut some record that might get me do so a twirk in salute instead. That would do more for the dried up river that is her rap career than releasing 19 additional half-ass diss records ever will. It’s great to respect your elders, but stop lying to their asses, stans.

You Sent It Now Call Your Local CPS Office

I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t considered launching a new career as a deep fried idiot with asinine yet undeniably ass shaking spurring songs. Seriously, where do you think the name “Young Sinick” comes from? But as increasingly cynical as the radio makes me even I know that you can’t just throw out some bullshit and expect to pop off (at least not without a catchier hook). Or better yet, before you download your illegal copy of Garage Band to start your music career you should have a plan. In some people’s cases, that plan should involve a babysitter and nursery.

Then again, this girl seems more interested in shaming the other safe sex failure who impregnated her versus becoming the next, “Remember her? No? Oh. Damn.” That’s more concerning because it makes the video a glorified PSA for condoms and tragic irony instead of just so stupid song to make fun of. God Bless her and all that, but why is she looking into the camera as if she’s either trying to seduce the viewer with her come hither eyes and heavy belly or let King Triton know that it won’t be long before she controls the ocean? I suppose I’m behaving like a masochist if I ask why doesn’t she know that Uncle Sam handles taxes, not rejected Maury guests?

Naturally, after her remix she goes into a tangent about fucking with her ex’s phone, putting a knife to his throat, and threatening to key his car. She said that as if she was delivering the keynote address to a flock of geese. Imagine if her baby daddy cared enough to forward this to her future probation officer. I find her body roll for twins especially unfortunate given that check is probably going to look like the sum of the cheaper side of the Taco Bell menu. In other words, there will be two babies wondering what in the hell their trife parents got them into. But you know, good luck to her and shit.

As for that other song at the end: I was hoping it wasn’t real. Of course it is.

See. I wonder if it’s on iTunes. No, I don’t want you to check for me. Let’s just keep that a mystery while I revel in the genius of songs like, “Damn, Bitch My Feet Hurt” and inventions such as the morning after pill.

The Religious Right Is Wrong About Masturbation

I thought I was well versed with the Christian Right’s stance on gays. We’re degenerate perverts with cooties so massive that God sends the clap back to society at large by way of devastating earthquakes, horrific hurricanes, and vengeful monsters like NeNe Leakes.

What up doe, Pat Robertson?

Also, we’re highly contagious so please stay away from us, breeders. Like if you tolerate us, you’re prone to some gay assaulting your private areas with lust in their eyes and lubricant in their back pockets the moment you least expect it. Should you watch anything in media that’s gay friendly you run the risk of literally turning into a big gay flag. Oh, and Jesus will spit in the holy water used to baptize your child if you’re in favor of gay marriage and letting them adopt children no one else wants.

I’ve heard this sort of bullshit conveyed in varying ways over the years so I just knew I had all of the basics down. However, it has come to my attention that the zealots on the far, far right have gone and upped the ante on their lunacy levels. Apparently, a straight man teeters on turning team same sex depending on how he masturbates. This new information comes courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscolll.

Read the rest of this entry »

Check Your Facts, Not Beyoncé

Last week I read an article on The Root entitled “Beyoncé’s Incredible, Miraculous Pregnancy,” in which the writer basically assailed my lord and gyrator under the false allegation that she was shoving her pregnancy down everyone’s throat and that she needed to quit acting as if she’s the only person in history to be with child.

Part of the piece included jabs like this:

I’m happy for you, Bey, but the joy growing inside your womb is not the blueprint, and it is not biblical. It isn’t the Visitation; nor is it the dawn of a new epoch in the human calendar. It’s a baby.

Not to mention a subheading called “A Mom-To-Be Who Knows Her Place.”

Now you know I had to write a response to that. In my latest essay for The Root, “It’s Not Beyoncé, It’s You” I hit back at all of the author’s off base accusations and remind her and others that it’s none of our places to tell a woman to tame her excitement about becoming a mother. You can click here to check it out.

Feel free to hit like, tweet, and email the piece around. You an also hit your sexy and slow stanky legs, too. And remember: Watch you what you say about the Queen. The hive ain’t having it.

Baby, Get A Grip

I wanted to call this post “Conspiracy Cunts,” but I figured that might not be the best thing to have on my Twitter feed and Google index. I blame the Puritans. That’s still pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous story about Beyoncé faking her pregnancy all the same.

I noticed on the very night Beyoncé casually announced being with child that the headmistress of online sensationalism quickly barked that it was all a farce. That was to be expected if you’ve ever read the blog. Unfortunately, I gave other people the benefit of the doubt. I never learn, damn closet idealism.

There are people who actually believe Beyoncé is fronting about her growing fetus. And not just fronting: She’s cut her fancy pillow up into the shape of a prosthetic belly, which folds in front of foreign journalists. This video is tagged as “Best Proof Ever Beyonce is faking her pregnancy!! But Why? What u think?”

I think an insanely sad number of people are fucking morons.

I’m only getting started, too.

Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks For Nothing

Popeye The Sailor Man’s illegitimate seed wants the gays of rap to be free. You know, so they can stop giving women AIDS and shit. The Game’s shared these feelings during an interview with Vlad TV. When asked about homos in hip-hop, the rapper said Beyoncé should’ve named her song, “Run The World (Gays),” ’cause you know, we’re everywhere. Isn’t he clever, y’all? If your answer is yes, do me a solid and look to the right and click on that X. Gon’ now. Get.

Anyway, like most people who say they’re not homophobic but say plenty of homophobic things, The Game added that he doesn’t judge gay people. No, he only fears those in the closet are killing other men and women via disease — a theory long debunked yet continues to be uttered from the mouths of the uninformed. I suppose this is what happens when people get their information on sexually transmitted diseases from poorly adapted films like Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls instead of CDC studies. Cough, cough, Janet.

Oh, The Game had some other breaking news to share, too: We live in a free country, thus can do and say whatever we please.

Like Exhibit B:

“It’s a lot of man fans out there in hip hop. I see how you n-ggas be lookin’ at n-ggas when I be around. They be looking at n-ggas crazy. You might see a rapper looking at another rapper like he got a problem but he really looking at him like he a man fan.”

Man fan, eh. I guess that’s better than the numerous times I’ve heard him say “faggot” on wax as if the word is his personal teeth whitener. It’s always the people who help incite the desire for discretion among select gay men chastising them for keeping secrets. Nothing screams gay pride like AIDS associations and Gossip Girl inspired discussions about the same sex sect. Who run the world indeed.

When I saw this video I instantly thought to pass it off as another example of a rapper saying stupid things. That’s still true, though in recent weeks I’ve encountered two separate instances where much smarter people essentially made the same dumb mistakes. I don’t think The Game or the aforementioned mean any harm, but folks know when a person doesn’t accept them. They also know when they’re being vilified. That ultimately is where the harm comes in. No one is going to open up to a anyone who clearly has a problem with something very personal to them. I can’t say that I blame them even if the secrecy bothers my core.

It’s nice in theory to hear a rapper like The Game say, “be gay, be proud,” but him wrapping the statement up in a big stereotypical blanket probably helps gay acceptance in hip hop about as equally as it further hinders it. Here’s to hoping some day soon someone a bit more eloquent can look out for the homos a little more thoughtfully.

In the meantime, I’ll add “man fan” to my lexicon. No way am I going to let that phrase continue to be used disparagingly.